After what felt like the longest sleep of my life, I finally woke up, only to find myself surrounded by absolute darkness. Not only I couldn't see anything, I also felt an intense pain in my lungs and bellybutton, enough pain that I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

I had to man up and get used to it though, because the pain didn't seem to go away even after what felt like hours of complete agony.

I tried to grit my teeth multiple times, it's my usual way of handling these situations, which is partly just so I can feel like Guts[1]. But for some strange reason… I couldn't. I didn't feel my teeth connecting, and my entire face felt weird. Actually, my entire body felt really strange. Even if I couldn't figure out exactly what was going on, something was surely amiss.

I then remembered what I was doing before falling asleep, it was my first competition and I fainted on stage. My memory was hazy, and it was difficult to think straight. But the image of my competitors looking down on me with terrified faces as I stared at the ceiling was forever burned in my mind.

That remembrance did very little to explain my current situation, however. It felt like dreaming, but time passed too slow for a dream, and the pain and discomfort were also very real.

As time passed, I thought of multiple hypotheses for my current predicament. First, I could be suffering from sleep paralysis. That would explain a lot, since I couldn't properly move my body, and all the strange feelings I had would also make sense.

Of course, there was also the possibility that I had been drugged. Drug hallucinations can explain almost anything, and, If I was kidnapped in order to have my organs stolen, the pain wouldn't be out of place.

Who would want my poor organs, though? Harvesting a bodybuilder's organs is like raiding a house in a favela[2]. Sure, you could find something useful, but there are tons of better, safer choices out there.

Although I could joke around, the thought made me tremble. I had heard tons of stories about kidnappings. And being the weird angry nerd that I am, I also fantasized about people attempting to kidnap me, where of course I would quickly notice and effortlessly beat them to death. Reality, it seemed, was a little bit different.

No, I can't think this is it just yet, there must be another explanation.

My theories did make sense, but it was still weird that I was able to think that clearly. I never experienced a tiny demon sitting in my chest, like the sleep paralysis greentexts on 4chan, but I had used drugs before, so I knew something was different.

Look, before I get judged too harshly, bodybuilders can't drink alcohol, it ruins all our hard work. And so, we end up needing to party with… alternative means. Not that I was much of a party guy myself, but life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, it's hard to stay sober during all of it.

All right, now that I've excused myself, let's continue.

Even having been through enough bad trips to know this was not your typical one, there was a very familiar feeling, one every druggie knows about.

The feeling of movement.

Specifically, I felt like I was being carried by something, while inside a box. I could also feel some sort of rough fabric against my skin, and underneath it was a hard surface in a very unusual pattern. It felt like tree roots.

WAIT, AM I INSIDE MY OWN COFFIN?

I started screaming with all my might. Somehow, that possibility had registered as very real in my head, and all the fear and anxiety I was feeling finally cracked my tough shell, spiling all the delicate contents inside. I was truly afraid, being carried to be buried alive triggered a primal despair in me.

My fear soon gave way to an even greater shock, however, because what came out of my mouth was not a grown man's shout. It was, and I don't say this figuratively: a baby's desperate crying.

What. The. Fuck.

***

Hours passed by, and I was able to calm myself down a little bit. All sorts of thoughts passed through my head as I tried not to go crazy. The first one, and the one who almost drove me mad, was the possibility that I died and went to hell.

I was never a deeply religious person, in fact most of my life I considered myself an agnostic, with my early teens being tainted with the worst kind of fedora atheism you could imagine. As I grew older, however, I started to get more religious, even if I never did make the jump out of agnosticism.

But right then, in that moment, I felt the fear of God in me.

I must calm myself; desperation won't help me.

At that point, the movements stopped, and it seemed like I was put on the ground. That allowed me to refocus and begin assessing my surroundings.

First, my hearing. I could hear faint sounds that were something in between a cricket's chirp and a frog's croak. It was more like a cricket though, only in a lower pitch. I could also sometimes hear muffled movements near me, like that of small animals passing nearby, probably rabbits. That, coupled with the now uneven ground that my container was recently put on, told me I was likely in a forest.

Ok, Satan's got creativity at least.

Speaking of the container, I could now see it, which leads us to sight. Up until now I had been in complete darkness, I couldn't see absolutely anything, and I was mostly keeping my eyes closed because of it. But as I was lowered onto the ground, the lid of the basket shuffled a little, and a tiny amount of moonlight granted me vision.

That's right, a basket. Which leads me to the elephant in the room:

All the sounds I tried to make came out as "oohs" and "aahs," and I was incapable of speaking no matter how hard I tried. Also, when I managed to move my hands enough so that I could see them, there they were: baby hands.

Baby hands, not being able to move properly, entire body feeling weird, pain in my lungs and bellybutton. And to top it all off, a fucking basket. It seemed to me, as absurd as it was, that I had just been born. Not only born, but also immediately abandoned. If I had realized this sooner, I would have cried more, that way at least my new mother would feel guilty. It was the only revenge I could enact.

But a basket, huh? And in a forest, too. How cliché, could've used something a little more unique. She could also have covered me with a blanket, it's getting colder by the minute.

Still, being ditched by my girlfriend and all my friends, dying, and then instantly getting ditched again by my own mother to suffer alone in a cold dark forest.

You know, I think I prefer the whole "burning in eternal fire" thing. Can I choose my eternal damnation method, Lucy?

Well, as we used to say in Brazil: "I better laugh so that I don't cry". as long as I can keep my humor, I can keep my sanity; My sanity was hanging on a thread though, so I'd better turn into Bill Bur[3] soon if I wanted to keep it.

If I'm going to do a stand-up show I need an audience, maybe those weird crickets would come? If I remember correctly, crickets are artsy, they will support my performance.

As I was actively trying to get lost in thought, I started hearing multiple sets of small steps coming in my direction. Had I finally been found?

These steps don't sound human though…

The steps grew more cautious, and so did I. Whatever was out there started slowly getting closer, and I started hearing sniffing, too. My heart was beating fast, there was some kind of animal out there. With a little bit of luck, it would be just a guy walking his dog, and I would be saved from dying alone in the forest.

The dog started pushing against the basket with his nose. I was being shaken pretty hard, and as I was reminded that I wasn't a huge heavy bodybuilder anymore, the lid came loose.

What I saw was 3 giant wolves.

"Waaaaah! Waaaaaaah!"

To someone witnessing this scene, a baby was crying because he saw something he didn't understand. Maybe he was cold or hungry too, maybe he expected his mother to be there. Inside the baby's mind, however, there was a terrified grown man who just shat himself (or would have, if there was anything in his stomach). Mind you, I didn't have time to think they were regular sized wolves.

HOLY SHIT. AM I GOING TO BE EATEN ALIVE? Is this really hell then? Am I in a "gold experience requiem[4]" situation? Will I keep getting killed over and over again, and being giant wolf chow is first in order? I can't even properly scream or defend myself, I guess this is it, and it's going to hurt.

I braced myself for what was coming and closed my tiny eyes. But death didn't come. Instead of being mangled, one of the wolves lifted me up by my hair, using his mouth of course. I was so shocked at what was happening, that I didn't have time to think about why I already had hair.

Apparently, that was not my end yet. I was still terrified, but as the shock slowly went away, I managed to get a good look at my body and the forest, all thanks to my new wolf friends and the moonlight.

Wait, "friends" doesn't sound right. I still don't know what they want yet. They could be carrying me to eat me later for all I know. Maybe I'm too small for them to share, so I'll be puppy food, which means a slower death…

No, I needed to stay calm. Just like before, there was no need to get desperate, Let's think positively.

This isn't hell, I won't die, someone will find me. And then I'll be a genius child, using my past life's memories to get richer than Bill Gates.

What if I got reincarnated into the past? I could buy tons of bitcoin and conquer the world; I wouldn't even need to work for it, either.

As I calm myself down, I again notice the scenery around me. It was a very beautiful forest, the trees weren't too big, so the moon could shine through just enough to reveal a little color on the exotic flowers and plants.

I didn't manage to see other animals, only the occasional movement in the bushes nearby, but those weird crickets were still going at it. Maybe their strange sound was due to my underdeveloped ears.

In less than half an hour, we arrive at a gloomy cave. I get carefully put on the ground, which helps calm my thoughts of being eaten alive. I still had no idea where I was or why they picked me up, however.

It was dark inside, and it took a while for my eyes to be able to see anything. All I could sense at first was the breathing and the heat of the wolves inside, and a faint sound of water slowly dropping onto a pond, deeper into the cave. I realized that the pain in my lungs had ended, I was so shocked before that I didn't even notice it going away.

I flinch from the cold floor touching my naked butt, and unconsciously try to touch my head which was aching from being carried by the hair. And then, I finally notice what was laying before me in the dark cave, it was a huge wolf. Well, by then I had realized they were just regular sized wolves, but this one was a little bigger than the others. It was displaying its swollen udders, with 4 puppies drinking from it.

One of them caught my attention, it had a bigger head then the rest and almost no fur on the back. I couldn't see it very well in the darkness, but it was definitely strange. With a more careful look, however, it—no. He, seemed to be a little… humanoid?

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

Now that I paid more attention, I could make out little arms and legs, even in his hunched down posture and with his head buried in the wolf mother's tits. He had claws, or rather, nails, and there was some fur on him, especially around the arms, legs and neck. He also had a tail and what seemed like ears on the top of his head, mixed in with his ample grey hair.

Wait, am I looking at a real life furry? What the fuck is going on here. Am I not in the real world after all? That must be it… WAIT, if there are wolf boys here, then surely there must be cat girls as well, right? This settles it, I didn't die and went to hell, I died and went to heav- Hmpf!

My ecstasy was interrupted by my head being shoved straight into the wolf's udders, and the reality of the situation hit me.

I was just a baby. I couldn't move, I couldn't chew, I could do nothing. Nothing but the only two things a newborn does besides sleeping: crying and getting breastfed. Well, there is also a number three, but we don't have to turn the situation even grosser than it already is.

And gross it was, because if I wanted to survive, my only source of food and nutrients was right there, pressed against my face. I was about to become a roman legend, me and my furry friend at my side. The process, though, smelled awful. And probably tasted awful too.

I'm going to need all my courage for this one.

***

In my bodybuilding career I tried all sorts of awful things in order to hit my macros. I blended white fish and rice together into a shake, I tried buying gorilla chow from the zoo (it had lots of protein and was cheap, don't judge me), I even tried dried insects one time. Nothing, however, can compare to wolf milk. It tasted unnaturally weird, but what was worse was the… "Method" of consuming. I'll spare the details, but these past months weren't pleasant at all.

Not only I had to drink large amounts of disgusting milk as my only source of nutrition, I also had nothing else to do all day, being in a cave and all that. Thankfully, I was a lonely child in my previous life, so having my mind as a source of entertainment wasn't hard for me. Sometimes it got boring though.

When I was not lost in my imagination, I was either watching that wolf boy, or trying to learn how to move this new, squishy body. I'll talk about my wolf brother first. To put it simply, he was very ugly. I had a few chances to look directly at him in the morning, and the best comparison I could come up with to explain his appearance are those fucked up stray cats you sometimes find on the street, full of diseases and looking like zombies.

Ok, that was a bit harsh, but he is indeed very ugly

He looked a few months older than me, but he must have been through some harsh stuff already. His left eye had no eyelid, and his mouth had a nasty scar that exposed a little of his teeth, also on the left side. Now that I think about it, he also looked a little bit like Two-Face[5].

Poor guy, unlike me, he probably had no memories of a previous life, so if he´s left alone he´ll be nothing more than a weird wolf-human thing, incapable of anything but growling. I remember seeing stories of human children raised by animals before, and they never had a nice ending. That is why I decided to take care of him, but first I had to relearn it all myself, the priority being walking. It´s like they used to say back then: "start with baby steps"

It was not easy, babies don't normally start crawling until at least 5 months old, but I still practiced every day. At first, I really couldn't do anything and had to be carried to sleep and "eat", but after three months I was already slowly moving about. My brother started imitating me too, and being a little older, he made short work of it. Speaking of him, I've decided on a name for the poor thing. He didn't do much and only followed me around, but he had a nasty habit of scratching his ass all the time, so I named him Toba[6]

All my effort was not just because I was bored all day, I had one clear goal in mind: food. Wolf milk was like acid for me, only it was corroding my sanity, not my body. Tasting anything else was top priority for now, and I would work hard for it.

The first thing me and Toba managed to eat was weird fruit, it wasn't like anything I had seen or heard of before, but it was delicious. We managed to crawl far enough out of the cave to get it off the ground, and it was completely worth it. After months of my current diet, that thing tasted like pure honey. Eating it reminded me of the feeling I used to have when I ate a cheat meal far into a prep. If you deprive your taste buds for long enough, your senses go into overload when you finally eat something delicious.

Still, a weird fruit, a wolf boy, and strange animals and insects. I´m not on earth, am I?

Wherever this was, the wolves seemed to be a little smarter than usual as well. After they saw us eating our new catch, every morning we would wake up with all types of fruit and berries at our feet.

Well, I say morning but we usually woke up in the middle of the night, since wolves are nocturnal, I had to adapt to that as well. It wasn't that bad, but I did miss the sunlight.

Life got a little better after that, and it made me… Grateful? Huh, was I roided out of my mind for so long that the feeling of gratefulness became alien to me? Looking back now, I didn't really get angry after coming here, even having been through some terrible stuff. My sense of humor seems to be better, too.

Guess it really was just "roid rage"[7] then. Don't get me wrong, I was a grumpy kid ever since I was born. At least according to my mother, saying I was short fused was an understatement. And my fuse didn't grow with me one bit, people sometimes said I didn't even have one.

But even the most naturally stressed-out people have limited fuel to burn. However, when someone like me starts stacking a lot of steroids into a prep for a long time, anger and paranoia runs 24/7. Your guard never drops down and behaving in a normal manner is a constant effort.

There is a bright side to it, though, and I'm experiencing it now. Since you must constantly try to stay calm and think things through, when you stop taking so much gear and it starts leaving your system, some people get much calmer and nicer than they were before, at least for a while anyway. I call it the buddha effect.

Also, since I literally switched my whole body, there was no transition period, so the feeling is much stronger than it would normally be. That must also be the reason why I haven't felt sad all this time, and why I even felt happy sometimes, even grateful...

But if this is a different world, will it have steroids? Don't get me wrong I like feeling calm and happy, but I want to get back to my muscular body ASAP. These scrawny arms and legs are only acceptable because I'm still a baby.

I was getting ahead of myself. There was still lots of things I needed to do before even thinking about gear. First, like I said before, was food. Not only it was needed to keep me from going insane, it was also indispensable if I wanted to grow this body into a mountain of muscle. Wolf milk alone just wasn't going to cut it, I managed to get a source of carbs with the fruit, now I needed meat.

With that in mind, I wanted to try gaining a little more dexterity with my hands and strengthen my muscles a little so I could move better, and eventually start walking. For that I made a little routine, which Toba naturally imitated. It was nice having him around.

After two months of crawling around the cave, doing half push-ups and drawing on the ground with a stick, I could move my body a lot better. Honestly, I was shocked by the results. I could already use my hands for a lot of things, and if they weren't so small, they would already function normally. Not just my hands though, my entire body improved massively in both coordination and strength. I didn't feel as limited anymore.

So, this world's babies can already do this much, huh? I need to give credit to my routine as well, but no amount of training would yield this kind of results back on earth.

Toba could probably walk if he tried, but he didn't have a reference, so he started to move like the wolves. I had no clue how old he was by this point, but if I had to guess, he was almost a year old. He did look a little bigger than he should though, we both seemed to be developing faster than normal.

I could awkwardly walk, but it was still inefficient because of the shape of my body, so I just changed my morning routine from crawling to walking and crawled when I needed to get somewhere.

I was ready to start my master plan, my goal: rabbit meat.

I had spotted rabbits in this forest a couple times, and they didn't seem to be afraid of me. So, if I ventured far enough that the wolves wouldn't scare them, I could probably catch one. Not with my weak hands alone, but with humanity's greatest strength.

The power of friendship!

Of course not, I'm talking about tools.

There was no way I could get Toba to understand an order yet, I had to teach by example. That is why this first part of the plan was all dependent on me. I needed a strong and flexible stick, Toba's hair, and soft rocks. Those were the ingredients required for my secret harpoon! Which was just a children's bow with a string attached to the arrow.

My plan was to get close enough to the bunny that I wouldn't have to aim at all and use all the tiny force of the bow at point blank to somehow pierce through the bunny. Then I just had to hold the string until he died so he wouldn't leave. It was crude, but it was the best I could come up with considering I was still in a 5 months old body.

It took another month, but I managed to do it after countless failed attempts. In my old life I always gave up after failing once or twice, but I salivated everyday thinking about that rabbit meat and failure wasn't going to stop me.

There were two key factors for my success. First, the rabbits weren't scared of me. There was no chance of me ever catching one if it was trying to flee, even with it standing still right by my side it was not going to be easy. Second, this new body. I was by no means an expert in biology but I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to have such a strong grip by this age.

I also seemed to have way more stamina than I should, I could practice crawling or walking for hours without getting tired, and my body wasn't as soft as one would expect, I felt like I was already developing some muscle. My height was also increasing faster than normal, but I only realized that looking at Toba, who already looked like a 2-year-old despite being only a few months older than me.

If I'm already this strong, I wonder how much I'll be able to bench if I survive until adulthood.

I failed a lot of times trying to make my bow, the hardest part was finding the perfect stick. I needed one that was small, flexible and strong. And those are characteristics normally at odds with each other, but after breaking a ton of them and venturing a little further into the forest, I found a light green one that did the job. A little bigger than I imagined, but I was afraid of it not working if I made it any smaller. The stick for the arrow wasn't so hard to find.

Toba didn't mind me picking his hair too much, it seems he respected me. It was the easiest part of the puzzle by far, I just weaved together a bunch of his hair and it was strong enough for both the bow and the arrow. I didn't pull it out, though, I'm not that insensitive. I used the last piece of the puzzle to cut it: my arrowhead.

Honestly, I'm proud of this arrowhead, I used the ancient Azteca technique, only instead of obsidian I made it with the softest looking rock I could find by the river. That river has been serving as both my bathroom and my source of water for a while now, I cherished it greatly.

Where did I learn this ancient and previously useless forgotten technique? YouTube of course.

All that was left was to test it, I spent a week trying it out to see if it had enough force, I ended up breaking a lot of arrows, but it wasn't so hard to make new ones. That also resulted in stronger arrows by the end, so it was worth it.

My product testing also had the purpose of training, I needed to be able to reliable shoot it, even if the plan was to stay at point blank. The whole process was very confusing to Toba, who had been trying to imitate me so far, at some point he looked like he fried his brain out and just gave up trying to understand it. Even the wolves were a little curious, hopefully they'll also be impressed by the results.

With my tool perfected, it was finally time for hunting. I couldn't make careless mistakes, because if I managed to hurt one and not catch it, I would lose my harmless baby privileges. It was a little like fishing (which reminds me, maybe I should try that next), it involved a lot of waiting. Even if they weren't afraid, there wasn't much reason to approach me.

So, inspired by my new fishing project, I gathered some berries I sometimes saw them eat, and each day I would lay them in front of me. It took a while, but eventually one of them came and started eating, not a care in the world. I loaded my bow with all the strength I could, and as a cold sweat ran down my forehead, I put it right up against him, almost touching him, and loosened the arrow.

It pierced but broke inside of him, as expected since I'm no fletcher, even after all that practice. In a hurry I quickly wrapped up the string attached to the arrow as the bunny tried to flee, and it came loose. I became desperate and tried chasing after it, I had a feeling I wouldn't have another chance like this, I couldn't let him get away.

Luckily for me, he didn't have much strength left. The arrowhead didn't secure the stick, but it stuck deep enough to cause some damage and hinder his movement, it wasn't coming out of him easily. After a lot of chasing around, I managed to grab him by the arrow that was still stuck, he had almost no strength left, and neither did I. After he tired, I finished the job, exhausted.

I brought back the rabbit to the cave, this time walking, and in that moment, there was nothing else on my mind. I felt proud and happy, and I wanted to impress my… family? Yeah, family.

My plans didn't stop there, though. What I really wanted was to expand my daily allowance. I wanted the wolves to bring me meat along with the fruit. So, I brought the rabbit with me and started eating it in front of everyone, raw. Honestly, it wasn't so bad. It wasn't good by any means, but it was better than "that" (which was still going on, by the way, but hopefully it would stop now), the blood was tasty, and it helped me ignore the weird texture. The heart was also surprisingly easy to eat.

Wait, should a 6 month old baby eat raw meat? And now that I think about it, my teeth are already strong, they're few but they do the job, I don't think I would manage to chew otherwise. I guess I should just be thankful that in this world humans are built different, and pray that I don't wake up with an upset stomach.

While I ate, Toba eyed me curiously the whole time, probably trying to figure out how I did it. After proudly basking in the gaze of my wolf elders and my wolf brother, I fell asleep. My mouth and hands were completely covered in blood, but there was a wide smile on my face.

I was woken up a lot earlier than usual, and there was no dead rabbit on my lap for me to grill. The wolves were all nearby after waking me up and they eyed me like they expected something. It took me a while to figure out, but they wanted me to go on the hunt with them.

I guess there's just no such thing as free lunch, huh? I should've known, but my Brazilian roots always strived for the laziest approach.

I still had no idea what I was supposed to do, but if they wanted me to go, I would. I climbed on top of one of the smaller wolves in the pack, and hugged him tightly, gripping his fur. It was the only way I would be able to keep myself from falling.

We set off, and I managed to get a glimpse of Toba, who was left alone in the cave while he slept. Poor guy, maybe I should take him on my next rabbit hunt (although he would probably scare them away).

The hunt lasted an hour or so, and as expected, I didn't do anything but try keeping my balance, it was like riding one of those mechanical bulls. It was fun feeling the wind on my hair and back though, and it was also good exercise. I had a lot of fun in the end, seeing the wolves hunt was also pretty brutal.

My routine was getting a little more interesting now, it seems my months of sleeping and daydreaming all the time are over. It was worth rushing things, even if I didn't always think it through all the way, it worked out in the end. I'm thankful for this herculean baby body, I would have died of boredom otherwise.

??? Stats

15 half-pushups

10 bow draws

Toba Stats

30 half-pushups

[1] Reference to Berserk

[2] Brazilian slums

[3] Famous stand-up comedian

[4] Reference to Jojo's Bizarre Adventure part 5

[5] Reference from Batman

[6] Brazilian slang for ass or asshole

[7] Slang for the increased aggression some steroids cause