Chapter 2 — Suman

We kept walking for a few minutes without saying anything. A thousand things went through my mind. The monsters, my voice, the way I could understand his speaking. The words I didn’t realize I already knew… the word "Hell". A realization got into my head and I felt fear again. What if nothing isn’t real? What if he isn’t real? Am I going insane?

—It’s real. The beasts are real. It all happened—.

His voice caught me by surprise and I started to hyperventilate, trying to control my breathing to stay calm, to fight back the fear I knew was simmering within me. As I looked up at him I saw his face was weary, but his eyes were still sharp as they could be. They stared into my soul, studying me. Could he kill me? He could try to hurt me. I couldn’t give in to fear, so I forced my face into a smile and tried my best to keep my tears from flowing.

—How did you know what I was thinking?—.

—Everyone thinks the same—, he said.

—Hell… I’m not sure I understand—.

—There’s nothing to understand. Were there others?—.

—Others?—.

—Yes, like you and me—, I hesitated a little.

—No—.

—I see—, he said disappointed.

—We should keep moving, another fire rain is coming—.

With great speed, he skipped over the sharp ground.­ I kept falling behind, and he kept getting ahead. While watching him dominate the road, I looked to the skies. The sun was already setting, and the sky behind the road illuminated the darkening silhouette of the mountains. As my body and the understanding of my movements began to ascend, my speed matched his. We circled a big mountain, reaching around a deep canyon.

Light began to make its way above us as the sky brightened with intensity, indicating the next flair. We sped through a small pass, overtaking each other a few times. My heart was pounding until we finally reached what he knew so well: a small cave on the side of a crag. We reached the final remaining pass and rode to the cliff’s edge.

As he approached the cave, though, the light began to gather a lighter hue, and the shade at the edge changed to a mostly soft tone, resembling waves. One could see strokes of fire through the sky, as all the color was being swallowed up by the canyon walls.

He guided me down into the darkness. It wasn’t a full minute before the light of the flare would be engulfing the scene in a flood of fantastic colors. Every corner, every passage I walked over, and every landing I gazed upon was illuminated with the brightness that was quickly falling over the earth. We reached the end while he put himself behind a rock formation that created an extra defense against the fire.

A thousand explosions swept across the ground at once. The majority of them were leaving a track of dazzling rainbows that had been growing in intensity as they burst through the clouds. The roar of the flare began to intensify as well, even if we couldn’t see it, the incandescence could be palpated. I saw him covering his ears.

­—Don’t look at it, it may leave you blind!—.

I obeyed, covering my ears as well while every other sound was devoured by it. I could feel the tensile force over the earth giving its resolve to tear through it.

‹‹It was this what burnt me?›› ‹‹How could my body withstand such force?››

It went on for a minute before dying out on the horizon. It was the first time I avoided the blast since I was in this place. The cave was bigger than I’d imagined, with a small pool of lava and a sharp drop into the abyss. I sat down, I still feel some type of piercing pain, but it was nothing compared to every other second of my recent existence. Suman noticed my nervousness; he told me that it would be difficult to get out that early.

—I have no intention to go anywhere—, I said.

I was able to look around. It was narrow, so it wouldn’t be easy to find but broad enough to be comfortable. It kept a lot of air in despite the heat and had some places where the sun couldn’t reach. I supposed there was no better place to hide.

—You should rest—, he said.

I was surprised to see what he had. Besides his clothes, he also had different fabrics made with the same hair. A couple of vests and more of what he was wearing, plus what looked like blankets, carefully woven like nets hanging from some rocks.

—It’s not much, but it has helped me a lot—.

—Are you alone here?—.

—I was… for a long time. There will be enough time for questions later, you should sleep now—.

He stretched one of the blankets and used a rope to tie both ends to the stalagmite.

—This way your body won’t touch the ground—.

—Thank you—.

It was a somewhat strange feeling. A few minutes ago I was right behind giant monsters; sure of my demise, yet now I was safe from them and the perpetual fire.

—You saved my life—, I said wearily.

—I did no such thing, young man. You are no longer alive and neither do I… but please, let’s move this conversation to when your senses recover—.

When the adrenaline dropped, the pain felt merciless. The beast had left me badly hurt. Unlike with the fire, my wounds did not heal, I felt the bones scattered within me, as a deep burning spread through all the cuts made by the sharp rocks.

—You probably haven’t figured it out, but those wounds won’t heal—.

I looked at him without understanding.

—This is a very cruel place, you’ll see—.

After a pause, his words made sense. Still, it was a little strange to hear, to feel safe in a place like this. The scorched and charred remains of the world around me filled the place of another life. For a brief moment, my limbs flinched. I didn't feel fear, but more of surprised confusion, and bewilderment. In some form of disbelief, I placed my hand over my palm, which was gripping a lifeless look.

—Never?—, I said finally.

—I’m afraid not. You see, I’ve been here a long time, discovering things; either by deduction or by my own suffering. This place is designed to punish you, not to give you the slightest relief from eternal torture.

His words were firm, like a monologue he knew by heart. Looking closely at him I realized how peculiar his image was. He didn’t have a single hair on his body; not even eyebrows. Dark skin after years in the sun and not a drop of body fat. He was tall and thin, but muscular; of indecipherable age, and yet possessed great agility.

—I see you’ve been a victim of the fire. You will have understood the reason for your rebirth—.

—Rebirth?—.

—Yes, the reason you are coming back to life. It took me a while to figure it out but that’s not an advantage. The reason why these wounds remain open while the rain of fire puts you in the beginning—.

—I don’t understand—.

—It’s because this place only heals you when you’re about to die. That is why you still feel hungry and thirsty because you can still smell and feel the rough coal under your feet. Because this place is made to deprive you of satisfying all human desires, no matter how minimal.

—This place? Hell?—.

—I think so, and it makes all the sense in the world to punish an envious man like this. Make him want things he can never have—.

Envy. I felt I knew that word, almost suspiciously as I took in these dire words. That pain was impossible to bear, the heat and the toxic air only increased the pulsations of my scars.

—Why are you so sure? How do you know that you are not wrong?—.

—Because I also experienced it, I also regret my luck getting here. At some very distant moment, I hurt myself in such a way that I almost went crazy. I was unable to think of anything else, the pain prevented me from sleeping and dreaming, from walking or resting. Finally one day, I decided to surrender to the rain of fire to end it all. I lost my will to live and even felt joy in thinking that I would no longer exist. But after burning alive, I saw myself again at the beginning, the pain was gone but my existence would continue to haunt me forever.

—The rain of fire… then—, I shuddered.

—Yes, there is no other way out. It is your decision anyway. If you are sincere about your wishes, you will see that being reborn is not so bad—.

—I know, but really… I don’t want to die again, even if I heal—.

—If you’ve already lived it, it means you know that suffering. Were you burned by the rain before?—.

—Yes, hundreds of times; so many that I can’t remember—.

His expression turned stark and for the first time, I saw him surprised.

—Forgive me, I didn't know that—.

—I wasn’t myself at the time, but now… I’m terrified of having to—.

—I was lucky enough to appear at the bottom of this canyon, safe from the fire and the Gargantuas. Come to think of it, I have been very lucky even if it sounds crazy—, he said.

Burning again made me feel nauseous. With my senses fully developed, the heat should be felt in much more detail. A flair had barely flashed, in the meantime, I had to decide which pain was the best option.

I got up and walked toward the cave’s entrance. I stared at the swirling red skies for a long moment. It looked as though it was part of a primal battle. I stared, wide-eyed, at the blackness beyond the skies. It was an endless void. I couldn’t even begin to guess where I was or how big it extended.

I looked out into the abyss of the cliff, catching the wind with a deep hum. The light gave me a better view of my wounds, many open but with no blood gushing from them. There was no water to wash them with and no herbs to cover them with. On my legs and arms, on my back, and on my face. The decision was obvious.

—I guess you’ve already calculated the time between flares—, I said seriously.

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—Yes, even in which seasons it reaches its peak and perigee—.

I sat on a rock and took a deep breath. This was my home now, my reality and present. As soon as I opened my eyes, this had become my life. I wondered if I had another life before if there was a place where none of this exists and I was happy.

My mind started again, remembering the vague flashes that I couldn’t place. Images and ideas that existed in another dimension, and that, even though they were so distant, gave me a little hope that not everything was suffering.

I climbed up the side of the cave, the same place where we arrived. Suman saw me from afar with some pity, knowing what I was going to do. I hit the open ground in just a few minutes and lay down. I stared at the sky without moving for hours, going over and over again everything that had happened; trying to remember more details from my other life, but it was impossible.

The clouds began to shed rays, the sun did its routine again. In exactly the same order, the tint of the sky, the deafening noise, and the vibration of the earth. I was scared, but it consoled me that I was no longer alone. This will be the last time, I said to myself as the dawn rose over me again. This time it didn’t seem beautiful to me, but just a natural process; the way this place had of cleaning its impurities and renewing itself, with us like simple insects waiting to be eliminated.

When I saw the flare I remembered that Suman was right, the light blinded me and the noise saturated my eardrums. My wounds were overshadowed by the new pain. As I suspected, this time the fire spread along with my senses fully awake. For the first time, I was able to experience its power in all my faculties, so fortunately, I was unable to stay conscious.

Complete darkness. I was alone. Somewhere out there, it was only a dream… As if thinking too hard allowed me to pass through this reality, I continued to wander hopelessly in a different direction. Then suddenly I heard someone calling my name. With no sign of leaving me, I accepted the call, and it slowly came to me. It was finally here, just a small corner of a different world. I fell asleep. A soft, feminine voice in the distance:

—«I’m no innocent»—, echoed from all places.

In front of me, there was a beautiful face that looked like an angel. The surface of her skin was as pale as snow; her hair was wavy and long. The darkness around my soul was dispersing, as she was gently covering it with her gaze. Her violet eyes, like raindrops, were dancing in the air.

—«I’m saved»—.

That sound couldn’t be misheard. It wasn’t my voice, but a voice whose meaning I couldn’t imagine.

«Was it you?»—she said.

—«Yes»—.

The beautiful existence that surrounded me, she called my name but I vaguely heard anything. The reality didn’t match my senses. Everything around me was distorted. I didn’t see myself anymore, I saw the woman holding my hand and her chest. The way I felt her warmth and when she touched me; the way she slowly disappeared into the darkness. She was gone «Who is she?» I thought, but I didn’t have the words.

I was shocked by the fact that I no longer had a place in this world. Everything was gone if I even remember at all. I feel as if my life was fading and materializing at the same time as if no one cared to remember me. The emptiness that enveloped me is slowly swallowing my body. All becomes blurred and I am just a shadow.

Behind me, I hear the sound of chanting, over and over again. My breathing sounds as if it was coming out of a mouth that I cannot control. It seems like my entire body is seizing and couldn’t feel my own movements. I suddenly see a fresh, blue light, expanding very fast. The next thing I know, I am falling from the sky, which quickly enters my vision. I hold myself in order to feel the reaction. I appear to be in a dimly lit place with no walls. What I think to be a man is standing in front of me with no discernable face. He does not look human. As I reach out for him, he brushes me away with a finger.

This becomes a nauseating experience as I am suddenly confronted with all that is inhuman about me and I feel this is some sort of testing. I fight it, I feel quite sick. I try to punch him away, but he raises his arms and blocks my punches. A light flashes before I realize that I am seeing his face. I feel like a frightened animal. This entity with evil in its eyes that can recognize me and the harsh light that brings his face close to mine.

That horror is starting to overtake me when he stares at me like he is hypnotized. Slowly, his mouth opens, but words don’t come out. This terrible sensation is something that cannot be controlled or escaped, like a plague creeping across the skin. “Love!” His voice is choked and broken. I can see the hate in his eyes. “Love!” I can feel my mind cropping out in the back of my head. A voice whispers, making me shake, as my vision begins to fade. “You are mine.” I woke up screaming.

—What’s happening? What…—, I exhaled.

—Relax, it was a dream and you will see the truth soon. A long dream, but it’s a dream nonetheless—.

I felt tears down my face. ‘The truth?’ I just replied and then I saw Suman's eyes sparkle and his knees buckle. He walked towards me, I tried to stop him, but he grabbed my shoulders. I panicked and tried to twist away from him.

—I will take care of you!—.

He looked straight into my eyes. I couldn’t do anything because I was completely powerless, but before he could continue his expression changed.

—Forgive me, I haven’t spoken with another person in a long time.

—Suman. That was your name, right?—, I deviated from his ramblings.

—Yes, Suman al—Rashid—, he calmed down and walked away.

—Do you remember your name now?—, he asked.

—No. How much time did I sleep?—.

—About twenty hours. I slept a lot less than you did because I had such good dreams. Not even the fire rain woke you up—.

He had finished another vest. I realized I had boots now.

—Why did you help me?—.

He came close again but quietly.

—I have been afraid to speak to you in this manner because I am not convinced that you are rational. Your face is human, but your features are demonically conjured. You were speaking with Shaytan. I am curious about what the demon thought of that conversation and if still wages of any concern—.

Those words were expressed so confidently that they are now held hostage in memory.

—Shaytan?—.

—Shaytan has been quick to stir. He refuses to let go of the charm, but the demon has softened its grip. He is not laughing at you yet, and you aren’t the only one. You will never have any safety from him—.

—I don’t understand—.

—The Devil, Shaytan, he stares. He wants you to look into his eyes. He doesn’t understand why he’s not in your mind. He suspects it may be jealousy, but he also thinks it may be anger. It’s his voice, it has a strange inflection, but it isn’t genuine. It’s the imitation of a human voice—.

—It didn’t speak to me; he just looked at me—.

—For him, it’s the same. It makes you feel insignificant, just an object in his hand. It terrifies you and breaks your heart. He makes you feel the devil in you and accept it. But you also feel grateful for it. That’s what Shaytan wants you to feel. He wants to break down your walls; He wants to push your limits, he wants you to love him—.

I tried to remember what that voice said, but it was that woman who spoke. Her face or its face, I couldn’t remember what she said.

—There was a woman…—, Suman’s face twisted at the memory.

—Yes, women; I sometimes forget them—.

—It…it was another body, I think, but it was a voice. There was only one voice—.

Suman didn’t look surprised. This was definitely the face of someone who didn’t want to remember a past.

—One’s physical body can become dust or be left behind, but one’s spirit stays with one, can’t it? Memories are sometimes the worse punishment—.

—I have no memories. I fell into her thoughts. She couldn’t hear me, but I could hear her. I can’t remember what…—.

—I’m worried about you—, he started to say.

—Why?

—I do not feel reassured that you are truly speaking from faith, or that you are speaking from the heart. The gentleness of your voice is a counterpoint to the fury that lives in you—.

—But I saw it, she spoke my name—.

—No, I’m sorry. It was my voice, not hers. You can’t remember it. I’m sorry for making you forget. You are not like others; you are used to cruelty, which is made so by your nature. Your fear of Allah is gone. You were so foolish and reckless that you acted like an adult. You acted in opposition to your inclination and your will, as though you were subject to another one. Instead of living in peace, you have created much strife in your life. You are living with it in the form of hatred and envy—.

—I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you are saying… I don’t know who I am—.

—No, please forgive me for the condescending tone of my words, but I see that your battle is a clear one—.

I was still dumbfounded, so I did not say anything for a moment.

—I’m sorry but you will remember eventually—, he said at last.

«Why was it so hard to remember? Was it because it was a new me?» There was no answer.

This wasn’t who I was at all. This was a glimpse into a world I have never seen before. I wondered for a moment if I would ever experience something else. My mind cleared, and I realized the only thing that could possibly be driving me to these visions was myself. I didn’t see those nightmares as anything other than a step toward understanding how and why I got here. I had to know. Whatever that light was in the dark, I got to know it. I have a thousand questions, a million questions, yet I don’t know how to begin them.

I remembered what Suman said, the times when his words ring true even when they could not be known by me. His words caused a sensation of blankness in my heart and the very notion that these voices in my head could have something to do with my past. It was as if the answers that were whispered to me were attached to some key in the souls of the ones whispering them, and my answer would bring him back.

I came back with that determination, no matter how futile my attempts were, I would find the memories of my old self one by one, and reconstruct them entirely. Even if that meant exposing my sins for him to see, it was all I could hold onto.

—I see you are ready to learn the truth—, he immediately guessed.

—Yes, what are your memories, Suman?—.

He began to describe his past life in excruciating detail. He told me a series of stories of his life back in the material realm; as he called it. He talked about his dreams and nightmares, about his childhood, about his friends and family. Every detail, every embarrassing or scary story about his past life had suddenly given way to a bewildering wholeness that he now felt free to share.

He was born in a town named Sidon, in the year 1.225. He was the fifth of seven children. His father was a rich merchant and his mother was from a family of teachers. He became a scholar and mathematician, translating the ‘Golden Section’, one of Plato’s four stages of the world into his mother tongue. I, of course, had no idea what all that meant, but I was immersed in his words. He read hundreds of books and was regarded as an expert in his field.

He lived a relatively simple life but had been starved of all human contact. He never married nor had any children. This lack of physical love probably did a great deal to deplete his mind and spirit, but it was that love, of all things that caused his demise.

—I killed my own brother—, he said with no disgust.

I froze for a moment and wondered if he had made a mistake. Then I looked at him and couldn’t help myself.

—Why?—.

The only woman he had ever loved had chosen his brother over him. He then described step by step how he had poisoned him in a moment of madness. It was only after the fact he realized what he had done, that something snapped in him.

—Is the firstborn son who is destined to inherit the fortune of the family, so she chose the most logical alternative—.

He became obsessed with surviving until his own family was able to deduct his guilt only a few months after since he also had a decent knowledge of chemistry. He ended up dishonored, jailed, and finally executed by hanging.

—In my twisted calculations, I assumed she will see me as the next rational step. But on that day, her first feeling toward me was hate. After all this time I came to realize she actually loved him. I can remember all their faces, just before my neck was snapped… I could also remember her tears of sadness and desolation. This is how people like me have been made, and is all we can be. We had to disappear—.

This cruel twist was the first and only thing that made me snap. Everything was about finding the answers, yet his final sin gave me the inexplicable urge of a bigger question. It felt almost unfair, but there had to be one place of my subconscious that craved that question the clearest.

—Did you love her?—.

He didn’t look at me and just turned to stare outwards.

—No. I loved the idea of being loved, that she would give me so much more life than the lifeless knowledge I gathered through my life. I see you remember that word—, he added calmly.

Yes, I’ve just said it, Shaytan used it too. It was one of the first I remember, but I didn’t really know what it meant till that moment.

—Now, she and my brother are in Jannah, and I’m here. I tried to attain something that was never meant for me and paid a higher price than I ever imagined—.

All that time I wanted to say something, but his thoughts were so honest I was caught between them. I felt compelled to thank him, but it seemed as if I had caused him great pain. My inner anger and my sorrow weren’t there as he said, yet every word about his final days resonated quietly within me. I could see his judgment from before was not his own projection upon myself.

A man that knew me already before I could speak. I heard in him what his soul had left incomplete, but mine somehow was no different from it. At this silence, something struck in every corner that shook me in a strong shiver. I had been there. Those images were mine. Not the knowledge or his Gods, but the last moment of his tragic life, they were mine. My inner demon had broken as I understood what had led me there, and even before then I knew the answer; I finally knew the answer to one of my own questions.

—What’s your last memory from that life?—.

He smiled for the first time since he started narrating to me and I saw myself in him as much as if it was my remembering. I was fearing it and, at the same time, I needed it.

—It was her, looking upon my swinging body as my life faded away… —. My heart paralyzed..., —Cursing my name and just my name until the last word I ever heard was...—.

—Zenta—, I whispered while a single tear fell from my face.