I slowly pretend to sip my hot tea as I watch the conversations around me over the rim of my teacup. Beni and Lutti are questioning Istere eagerly. Something like: ‘why didn’t you tell us?’

Istere replies surprisingly along the same lines that she told me ages ago. “I didn’t think I could trust you. Blix told me how you responded when my Brother first let you in on the plot to keep Prince Faladel’s existence in prison a secret. You were more interested in adventure than in the morals involved. Because of that, and because I never really got to know you, I decided it wasn’t worth the risk.”

“Why did you tell her that, Blix?” Ask Lutti

“Didn’t you even explain how Yaluda himself was acting at the time? He was doing it for revenge! Morals had nothing to do with it!” Beni claims.

“Technically, from what the Late Prince told me,” Blix replies stoutly “It was a case of both revenge and morals. Yes his friend was dead, but from the war, not from the actions of a specific person. So his revenge was causing a chance at peace. One good turn– saving the life of an elf –would hopefully lead to another once that elf returned home.”

“So, technically, he got his revenge on the war itself by creating voices for peace?” Briareth asks.

“Exactly.” Blix nods. “Of course, there could have been more motivations that he just didn’t share with me–”

“Nonsense!” Istere cuts in. “The two of you shared everything with each other. He told you far more than he ever told me.”

“Only because he wanted to protect you, Your Highness.” Blix says, putting a hand on her shoulder and smiling at her. “Much like I do.”

“Did you just admit to keeping things from His Highness?” Briareth asks, semi-jokingly. I accidentally swallow some tea in an attempt not to laugh and end up coughing and spewing it back into my cup.

“Sorry.” I mumble once I’m done with my coughing fit. “It went down the wrong tube.” As they return to their conversation, I zone out a bit again. Istere’s reply to the question of why not to involve Beni and Lutti was much the same as it had been when she was Yaluda. A few changes, like that Blix had given her the account of how they first reacted, but otherwise, the exact same. Was she still hiding something, or had she been telling the truth all along?

“How did you and Blix meet?” I ask Istere, interrupting a conversation that I didn’t hear and don’t really care about.

Istere looks startled, possibly because of my interruption, possibly because she wasn’t expecting me to talk at all. She drops her former conversation immediately to answer mine, but from everyone else’s sudden interest, they don’t really mind that much.

“It was different from what I told you.” She admits, cutting to the heart of the question. “I told you the story of how Yaluda and Blix met, the one Blix told me. The first time I met Blix was when Yaluda introduced me to his ‘new friend who’d broken his nose.’” She does the finger quote thing again, and my face twitches as my heart throbs. Either that was her own gesture to begin with, or she’s completely adopted it since her new life as her brother began. Not noticing my changed facial expression, Istere smiles wryly and continues. “I was skeptical about him to say the least. We only grew close after he helped me in the aftermath of my brother’s death.”

“So…” I begin hesitantly, and at her expecting look I realize I can’t back down. I need this answer, no matter how hard it hurts. No matter how many people are listening in right now. “How much was real?”

Istere appears to understand me, even though my question is very broad. “Everything I could say truthfully, I did. Sometimes I knew that if I told you the truth, you would figure it out. The stories of Yaluda’s past interactions with other people, well, I had to tell Yaluda’s story and not my own. But I swear to you, I told you about me as much as I could. My dreams, my goals, my plans, and most of my relationships. Not with Blix obviously, but my relationship with my mother– those were all me. Those were Istere.” We lock eyes. Vaguely in the background, I see Faladel shooing Briareth, Beni, and Lutti into a side room to give us some privacy.

“How do I know you aren’t lying again?” I ask, although I’m almost convinced already, I can’t be quite sure. It could just be my heart wanting to forgive and forget, convincing me to set myself up for another painful betrayal.

A look of shock passes over Istere’s face, followed by a rueful, sad smile. “Of course you should wonder. I didn’t think…” She trails off.

“How do you know you can trust me?” She says after a few seconds of silence. “Well, I don’t think I can give you any proof. I’m sorry about that.” I feel a brief surge of pain and sadness, and extinguish it. Of course there’s no proof. As far as I’m aware, no sort of magic or sorcery can detect lies. What was I even looking for? “Honestly,” She continues, her thought trail apparently mimicking mine. “I don’t think there’s any real proof that I can give you to show you I’m not lying. Blix was right, this really is all about trust.”

“Who is Blix to you?” I ask, curious and slightly upset that she’d talk about this, about us, with him.

She sighs, and thinks for a moment before replying. “Blix is my compass. He keeps me pointed north, pointed towards solutions, whenever I get lost. Emotionally, mentally, a few times physically.” She chuckles at a memory I don’t share. “I suppose you could call him my counselor. I trust him to always hold my and my brother's best interests at heart. However, he never opens up to me. I think he thinks of me as a duty. Something he must protect because my brother left it to him. That’s our relationship.”

“How many people have ever opened up to you?” I ask, consumed by curiosity.

“One.” She says, “And then I betrayed his trust.” She looks at me, sadly, and I realize who she’s talking about. “I will always regret that, and I hope he’s willing to someday give me a second chance. I wouldn’t expect it of him. Honestly, I’m not sure I would be capable of such a thing myself. But if he ever wants to confide in me again, to trust me again, I would ingrain it on my soul to never betray that trust.”

I suck in a breath. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting an apology. I don’t know how to respond. I can’t respond. Not now. Not with my feelings swirling around like this.

“I have to go. Bathroom.” I stutter out, as I make an obviously hurried exit, my ears burning.

Ingrained on her soul. That’s a big step.

----------------------------------------

It takes me a while to find a bathroom where I can hide, and I spend only five minutes in there before Faladel comes and finds me. I’m fully clothed, just sitting on the pot, and trying to think things through. I keep getting stuck in loops though.

Can I trust Istere? If I trust her, I could get hurt again. If I don’t trust her, I lose a good friend. If I do trust her, and she doesn’t betray me, will I always wonder when the next betrayal is coming? But no betrayal could be as big as lying about your whole identity. Well, according to her, actually about very little of her identity, as little as possible in fact. But can I trust that that is true? Can I trust Istere?

Faladel’s soft call through the door– “Balderk?” his voice kind and worried, yanks me from my spiraling thoughts. “Balderk are you in there?”

“Yep!” I grind out. “I have bad poo, whatever it is will have to wait!”

I can practically feel Faladel’s hesitation through the door. I hope he’ll go away, but “I just wanted to tell you that Beni and Lutti have left now. You missed your chance to say goodbye. Istere’s going to be leaving soon as well, do you want me to pass on a message?”

I freeze. “Gone so soon?” I ask.

“Yes, another meeting with the King and his top officials. Because she was just alerted today about this meeting, they probably have a controversial item on the agenda that she’d normally come prepared to fight against. She’s guessing that this meeting will openly introduce the law to lower the conscription age.”

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“Ahh.” Is my only reply.

“Do you wish to say goodbye or no?” Faladel asks. I stay silent.

“Balderk, if you’re decent, may I come in?” He adds on after nearly a minute.

I’m not sure what causes me to say it, but “Fine.” I allow gruffly.

Faladel, slowly opens the door and enters. His long blond hair is messier than it was when I first met him, but not by much, and his golden eyes, a darker shade than Istere’s, look at me with sympathy.

“Are you okay?” He asks me, sitting on the cold tile in front of me and staring up at me, hands folded around his knees, and head cocked a few inches to the side.

“Probably not.” I admit, not looking at him.

“Hmmm… That’s okay. Probably even to be expected in these sorts of circumstances. You really liked Yaluda didn’t you?” His eyes widen, “Oh, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I don’t want to put any pressure on you.”

Oddly, his insistence that I don’t have to answer makes me want to open up more. It’s so much different to my reaction to Briareth’s prying, that I snort before I admit. “Probably. I think I liked him. Well, her.”

Faladel notices my correction. “Since we only knew her as a ‘him’ back then, I think it’s safe to refer to that version of her as a ‘him’. You don’t have to correct your memories if you don’t want to.”

I nod, and we stay silent for a while, staring at each other.

Eventually Faladel sighs, and asks, “All these new revelations, with her not being the person you thought he was, do they change your feelings for her?”

I consider the matter, glancing up to the high ceiling above as if the tiles there will give me an answer. It takes me a while, but Faladel waits, not even shifting his position.

“No.” I eventually admit. “The parts she showed me, the things that I loved most about him, she claims they’re real. They’re really her. And I suppose–” I fidget my hands. “I can kinda see why she had to hide it. She didn’t come out and tell me, I didn’t get to ask, but I can guess. Telling anything would put her in danger. By the time we grew close, it was too late to say anything without turning it awkward. I just wish she had borne with that awkwardness to admit it to me.”

“You should tell her that.” Faladel says seriously.

“What?! I can’t!” I immediately exclaim.

“Why?” Faladel asks, calm despite my sudden panic

“Uhh…” I hesitate, trying to find the reason behind my gut reaction. “Embarrassment?”

“Awkwardness?” Faladel offers, and my eyes widen. I want to reject his implications of accidental hypocrisy outright. The two feelings aren’t similar, they aren’t the same. But… I can’t. They are actually very similar on a surface level. There’s more to it though– “It’s more than that.” I try to convey this feeling to Faladel. “It’s more than awkwardness, it’s–” I want to say weakness, but it doesn’t feel right.

“Vulnerability?” Faladel offers again, hitting it spot on.

“Yes.” I admit gruffly. “I don’t want to be vulnerable with her again, not so soon after…” I trail off, but Faladel understands.

“Of course.” He says, appearing to consider the matter deeply. “Do you think all vulnerability is bad Balderk? I notice you hesitate to share your feelings sometimes, is it because of this reluctance to be vulnerable?”

“Vulnerability isn’t all bad.” I protest, “I mean, I’m being vulnerable with you now aren’t I?”

“True.” Faladel says, smiling.

“But…” I hesitate. “Yes, I don’t like doing it often. I don’t like sharing my feelings, I don’t like appearing weak.”

“Oh?” That one word makes me want to explain it to him even more.

“I’ve always been the strong one in my family. The one everyone relies on. The man of the house. If I showed fear, or pain, my sisters would worry. They’d care for me, yes, but they’d be worried. I didn’t want to cause them worry. When I got stuck in the army, vulnerability was a weakness that could be punished. I know in my head it isn’t bad, but being strong has become a part of me. More than just a part. It’s most of my identity.” I admit.

“Do you think that’s a good thing?” Faladel asks.

“Considering where it came from?” I hesitate. “Probably not. I’d like to change that, but I don’t know how.”

We sit in silence for a few seconds, I begin to think the conversation is over, but then Faladel says. “Well, to change, you could always make a you that isn’t always strong.”

“What?” I ask, “I don’t understand.”

“Hmm…” Faladel hesitates. “Like what you’re doing with me right now. You said this vulnerability was okay right? So, go try to be vulnerable with someone else.”

“Someone like Istere?” I ask, seeing where this is heading.

“Not necessarily.” Faladel corrects. “It doesn’t have to be Istere, it can be anyone you feel a connection to. Well, except me, because you’ve already done me. It could be Blix, Lutti, Beni, or even Briareth if you want. He’s surprisingly nice to people who open up to him.”

“He seems like the type who’d just make fun of you.” I say, frowning.

“I’ve had numerous mental breakdowns around him now, and he’s never made fun of me during them. He sometimes makes fun of me afterwards, but it’s always good natured.” Faladel promises.

“I still don’t think I’d feel comfortable with him. With pretty much any of the people here actually.” I admit. “I only grew close to Yaluda.”

Faladel hmms again. “Well, perhaps it is too soon to ask this question, but do you think eventually, she’ll deserve another chance to meet your vulnerable side?”

“Yes.” I say. “Well, I hope so. Someday. That day isn’t today though.”

“That’s perfectly fine, I wouldn’t expect it to be.” Faladel claims. “What do you think would help you get closer to that day?”

“I don’t know.” is my immediate reply, but Faladel’s silence makes me reconsider. “Well, I suppose knowing her better, having her be vulnerable with me, it might make me more comfortable. Especially because she said she was honest in as many of our conversations as she could be.”

“And you trust that?” Faladel asks, neutrally.

Surprisingly, “Yes, unless she was faking both Istere and most of Yaluda, which I can’t see any reason for, I can trust that she wanted to be honest with me.”

“Do you still want to get to know her? To have her be vulnerable with you, so that you, in turn, can be vulnerable with her?”

It might be my gut, it might be my stomach, it might be my heart, but I don’t think she wanted to hurt me. The terrified look on her face when she was revealed to be a she, the twist of pain as she realized what she’d done, what I felt– maybe I’m just going soft, and maybe that’s a good thing. All I know is that I want to get to know the prince. The true version of her, not the half-her she cooked up to pass as a boy.

“Balderk?” Faladel asks, probably worried by my silence.

“I have to go Faladel.” I say, standing up and walking to the door, purpose adding a spring to my step. “Thanks for helping me get my head on straight.”

Faladel smiles. “Glad I could finally be of some help.”

I glance back at him, wanting to go on my way, but something about that sentence striking me as wrong. It takes me only a few seconds to pull up the conversation. It may have been nearly a month ago, but it left an impact on me. He was feeling so useless when he was locked up. That ‘finally’, the fact that everyone around him has done something to help our cause and he’s only hindered it and slowed it down with his strict moral code…

“Are you okay, Faladel?” I ask, hesitating, the door half opened. Faladel stares at me from his position on the floor.

“Maybe not, but I will be.” He smiles at me. A smile so genuine it almost hurts. “I’ll be perfectly fine.” He insists, unfolding his legs and getting to his feet. “You go talk to Istere, tell her your thoughts and feelings. That’s the only way you’ll be able to begin to heal and form whatever relationship you plan on having. True friendship, true love, starts from vulnerability.”

“Okay.” I say, wondering if I should try to press him more, but knowing that I’m terrible at these sorts of things and Istere is about to leave. “Thank you.” I offer, right before I walk out the door. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

It’s the best I can do at this point. I think to myself as I hurry down the hallway.

I retrace my steps to our main dining room, the room that reminded me of Istere’s study. Apparently though, my way was the long way round, because Faladel beat me there. He’s standing at Istere’s side as I enter, reading a missive over her shoulder. She looks troubled, more than troubled in fact, outright worried.

“What’s going on?” I ask, worried as well, despite myself. Faladel and Istere both start to explain at the same, time, but then Faladel stops.

“You should explain, you’d understand this situation better than I.”

“Yes.” Istere says, and then starts again. “My mother, the current Queen, Friedalein Gewalt, has been kidnapped.”

“Wait, what? How?” Briareth asks, entering the dining room through the bedroom door. “How did anyone figure out she was important to you?”

“I don’t know. It was the church who did this, they sent this ransom note.” Istere holds up the note and glares coldly at it. “First our old hideout’s location, and now my identity? They have entirely too much information on our current operations. Someone’s been blabbing, but we don’t have time to root out a spy.”

“What do they want?” I ask, “They can’t reasonably kill the Queen can they? I mean, she’s the Queen!”

“Oh you’d be surprised at what they can get away with.” Blix says, raising his eyebrows. I remember the King’s attempted assassination of his kids, remeber that he never took the blame for any of that, and revise my position. “Okay, so they’re threatening to kill the Queen unless you…” I trail off meaningfully, waiting for Istere to fill in the blanks. She does of course.

“Unless I turn myself in, say that I was the drug smuggler all along and had concocted the papers to frame the High Priest, and reveal that I stole the prisoners and were using them to commit treason in a plot to kill my father.”