I used to know a guy who wanted to be a youtuber, really just interested in chasing internet clout. He did gameplay, film reviews, prank videos, God awful AC/DC song covers (just talked over the song while it played in the background), and a whole lot of other stuff. His uploads were on average 20 minutes to an hour long, and each of those videos got on average 20 views. Suffice to say, after two years at it he was getting nowhere.

One of his most popular videos has about how he asked out a girl in his class. The twenty people who watched his videos? They were in his school. Only reason I know about it is from the word of mouth that was spread about how much of a loser he was. When it comes to women, or rather, seeing a woman as attractive, I am terrified.

This story cemented the fear in my mind years ago. If I asked a girl out, and she said no, a likely response, what the hell would happen then? What if she talks to people? Tells them I’m a creep. Everybody already thinks I’m weird, but to have a girl I like actively saying that? That’s too much.

So yeah, I won’t ask a girl I like out because that’s creepy. But isn’t it just as creepy to like someone in that way and say nothing? It just seems gross, the whole thing’s a mess, I feel like I’m no better than Mullet because I think about being in a relationship with someone.

My reasoning is a little dumb, if you try not to be attracted, then how do you get into a relationship?

So yeah, I just stopped. Pushed those thoughts to the recesses of my mind. It’s alright not to have a girlfriend anyway, right? I mean, I’m going to be a super hero. Having any loved ones would only put somebody in danger. Yeah. Yeah, I don’t need somebody else, am I seriously going to let some chemicals in my brain affect my actions? No way!

But then this year of school started, and I was one of the few people who chose art. I was paired up with her. I’ll call her, girl from my art class, because hopefully I will never have to refer to her again. I honestly didn’t think much of her at first. She was plain, didn’t talk much, and well, I thought she was kinda… unattractive.

I wasn’t attracted to her at all. But soon I became interested in her. She made incredible paintings; I will never be able to make anything like them in a hundred years of practice. It drew me in, the majesty of them, the forms of the cliffs, the grey clouds reflected in the waves beneath, being broken by streaks of yellow. It was dark, gloomy, but there was a promise of more through it all.

It made me ask, what lies beyond the horizon? If I took a boat and some oars and shoved off, would I be able to find it? Where the lights come from? Or would I sink, drown.

Then I looked at her. Suddenly she seemed a lot more attractive.

When that crossed my mind, I felt like I was going to break into a sweat. You made your rules Sam, now live with them. I left the room to collect myself, went to the bathroom. To you it must seem like I run to the toilet whenever I have a problem.

I do.

I thought about my situation, enough to turn my forehead into a raisin. Obviously, I can’t ask her out. What the fuck would I do if she said yes anyway, date her? Right, and she’d be glad to explain to all her friends that I spend most of my time reading comics on my computer. That sure sounds like a possible reality, but it sure ain’t this one.

Alright, let’s figure this out. We’re only in one class together, I can handle that. She doesn’t talk much anyway. Great, just don’t talk to her.

This thought mutated through a long lineage of cur born from the deep recesses of my mind. I really wanted to know more about her, so I began to think I could maybe possibly be friends with her. Sure, that could work. Took me a while but I eventually started talking to her a little. I will not tell you anything about her, but I hung off every word she said. Like a dumbass.

Eventually I began to wonder, could she maybe possibly like me? Maybe she thinks I’m cool, she just hasn’t said anything. But what if we could be boyfriend-girlfriend? Maybe, just maybe, that could happen.

You don’t realise it but I have done a lot of growth after getting superpowers. Say what you will about kids dressing up in skin-tight clothes to punch criminals, but it does build character.

I fought a eldritch pagan monster, drug dealers, and even a Pooka. I also rode in a car for an hour with people my age after school hours! A month or so back I probably couldn’t imagine it, but it was after school!

So please try to understand the circumstances of the final inbred in the genealogical abomination of my mind.

“Mullet what league am I in?” He turned to me bored, and a little hungover from whatever he was doing last night.

“What does that even mean? You know, every time you talk to me that thought comes to my mind in big bold letters.” He was a little grouchy, I didn’t mind.

“You know, like in movies they say, ‘she’s totally out of my league’?” He caught my meaning, and raised his hand to stop me, “I’ve only known Saoirse for like a day, but she is out of your league, man.”

My facial expression changed in a flash, “That’s not who I’m talking about!” I tried to whisper so that no one else in the corridor would hear him though I still had a tone of urgency, “It’s just that, I’ve cleaned up a lot in the past month, started working out, cleared my skin, hell, even my bags are gone!”

He thought about it for a while, and came to a conclusion, “Yeah, you’re nearly… average. Saoirse however is above average. So yeah, she’s out of your league.”

I breathed in, swallowed my embarrassment, “What about the girl in my art class?” He looked like he was about to say something, before he stopped himself, “Do you mean Dinah?”

“No, I mean [the girl in my art class].” This was hard enough without him bringing other people into this.

He actually wagged his finger like he thought I was on to something, “Yeah, that would work out great!” He actually seemed invested in our conversation for the first time ever.

I spluttered out, “Emmhb-really?!” He cringed a little, before putting his hand on my shoulder, “Listen, she doesn’t go out much, hasn’t had a boyfriend before, and you already know each other! Some people think that’s a bad thing, but with you it would be a good place to start.” I thought about how his knowledge on this girl was weird for half a second, before I remembered who I was talking to.

“But,” The question that was always on my mind, “what if she says no?”

That question stopped him in his tracks. “That probably would be a problem for you. You don’t have the experience to not take no for an answer like me…” That was hopefully not about sex. Holy shit, was he-

“OK, maybe, just buy her stuff? That’s a classic. Before you ask the question, you need to butter her up.” I posed another question to my unlikely guru, “What if I can’t buy her stuff?” He just rolled his eyes, “I don’t mean jewels and gems, stupid. Ladies like it when you get them stuff, they want, and then act like you had no clue that they wanted it. Make it seem like you’re made for each other.”

I thought about what he said for a moment, before whispering as quiet as I could to him, “Before I take any of your advice, I just… need to make sure what you meant when you said, you don’t ‘let them say no.'”

He gave me a laugh before saying out loud, “Please, my body is a temple. First time has got to be special. With a super model or a hooker. I’m not having sex till marriage.What i I meant was, I get the status of being with them. You know, I just spread some rumors we made out for a bit at a party.”

I just blinked and nodded, was he planning on marrying a hooker? I just always saw him as the type of guy who had infinite sex. But I guess he is just 18.

“But listen Sam, you and (the girl from my art class)? Totally behind you buddy, think it speaks to your humility that… you’re hitting your own level.” This was the worst conversation I was ever going to have with him, and I was glad it was over.

“Great. Thanks a ton, Mullet.” I gave him a smile and he was content.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get some headache medicine from a guy at the back of the school.” And with that he strode off.

Thank God that was over. Freaked me out a little, but he said some useful stuff about getting her something she would like. Problem was that I was saving up right now to try and pay off the American health care bill I racked up.

So instead of that, I gave her something I that was free.

I told her about a little place, inch beach, that would be great for her to paint. She had been looking to do somewhere other than Tralee, but she wanted to still do the ocean. All she said was that she’d think about it.

That was ok. I’ll just slowly build my way up. Might be a crawl, but that’s the speed the romantically handicapped have to move at.

…

“You’re better. Not stronger. Your injuries are gone, for one.” I was trying and succeeding, at dodging the grasps of a giant misshapen multi-limbed crab.

“I’m healthy alright! But I haven’t the foggiest idea where you’re getting the idea that I’m any better a fighter than last week’s Shamrock!” I jumped for a particularly bulbous eye on the crustacean and tore it out before moving on to its back.

“Whatever.” the sea witch was firm. “Don’t care. You’ll die eventually.” I grabbed at the creature’s chitin and began to peel it from its shell. It, like the others before it, burst into liquid and vapour.

A not-so-distant crowd cheered. I really would have preferred if me and Feoli’s show hadn’t become so popular. As soon as I reached the ground, I kicked off the sand with one foot and jabbed with the other.

My new restraints did just as good a job at slowing blood flow as the old ones, but if Feoli thought I was stronger when she was just watching, now she’d feel it too. I aimed the blow at the exposed area, her stomach. She nearly caught me, but I’m faster at moving than she is at reacting.

She nearly coughed up her fish food, as I failed to resist putting on a show for the crowd, “I think that’s enough for today, don’t you? I’m not getting tired, just a little bored is all. So maybe you should take your dumb blue ass back to the Mariana trench, or whatever freaky hole you came out of.” That got a few laughs from the crowd.

“You’re scum.” Her eyes were cold, uncaring, we had done this tons of times, maybe she was tired. I still doubt she’d serve her time in prison. Maybe I could get in touch with Bob, he might have a jail for super powered criminals? He has to have some place to keep that fox when he gets back home.

I shouted to Feoli’s back when she left, “Until tomorrow, ya crazy bitch!”

When she disappeared under the waves, my entourage swarmed me with congratulations and jokes. One guy stood out in the experience.

It was a guy from my school. I didn’t have any classes with him, so it was virtually impossible for him to find out my identity. He was a lot taller than me, his broad frame made him look better at playing a super hero than me.

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“Hey Shamrock-man! Can I talk to you for a second?” I was hesitant, but what the heck, could be important.

“What’s up big guy? Need me to find some change you dropped under the sofa?” He laughed a little too hard for the joke, but maybe he was high off the adrenaline of seeing a giant fuck-off crab. “Wow, you’re a real spider-man type huh? Listen man, my friend is a big fan of marvel, so it would be really cool if you could take a picture with us?”

I mean, a social media presence is impossible, what with the ignorance effect or whatever the official name is, but I’m not going to say no, am I?

I gave him the thumbs up and he waved me over to another part of the crowd.

I don’t want to blame Clover for every stroke of bad luck, but this is a stroke of irony, isn’t it?

I told her to check the place out, didn’t even think about myself being there at the same time as her, but here we are.

Standing shoulder to shoulder while her Greek Adonis takes pictures. Was afraid I might start sweating, but I didn’t feel it coming. I felt completely calm. Still.

They laughed and giggled when they switched positions. Now shoulder to bicep, the girl from my art class said, “That crab thing was wild! I guess you’d need to have super strength to beat that, but what other powers do you have Shamrock-boy?” Adonis corrected her, “He’s Shamrock-man! And you’ve got super speed or whatever right? How else could you have moved that fast.” I opened my mouth again, but the girl butt in, “That was just his super strength. Heroes don’t skip leg day, huh?”

I forced a little laugh and put it to rest, “It’s just Shamrock, and my second power is… being super lucky, how else would I beat sea monsters every time?”

They both in sync said, “Oooh, that’s why you’re a four-leaf clover!” They then started jinxing each other. Something about that nearly broke my smile.

In the end, Adonis won and TGFMAC(The girl from my art class) had to go buy him something. I was about to cut out and go back to the crowd, who were now also looking for pictures with me, but before I could, I told him one last thing.

“You and your girlfriend be safe out there, don’t know when a giant crab’ll… ruin your day, right?” He smirked and said, “Thanks man, really, you were great. Real nice of you to do that for us.”

I shrugged and said “No problem.”

I was not in the mood to take pictures so I shouted to the crowd, “Ok, only five more groups then that’s me. Ass is killing me after that huge eel thing at the start.” That got them rushing over to make sure they got a picture. Like a swarm of flies to honey.

Lots of smiling later, I didn’t have the energy to go back to my gran's for cabbage and potato. So, I just sat there.

I sat on the beach in full costume just looking out to sea. It was sunset now, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I tried to think of anything else, but, well, it was a little like her paintings. Just a little brighter and a lot less cloudy.

Adonis, the guy from before, let me tell you what I know about him so you understand how I feel. He’s athletic, handsome, and just as popular as someone like Mullet, but he actually seemed like a solid guy.

Big thing I knew about him was that he was rich. That’s not because his parents are lawyers or whatever gets a good salary in this economy, he made his own small fortune in stocks or something. Not that crypto stuff, that’s what I thought at first, actual real tangible money-making stocks. I don’t know how he does it, maybe he’s lucky, maybe he’s skilled enough to know the tricks of the game.

Mullet said we were in the same league, if that’s true then how is she on such good terms with someone so popular, so skilled, so rich, that he’s at the top of the school.

How… does a weirdo with a hobby compare to someone like that? They don’t.

Maybe I am just like everyone else, but at my core I’m just not that appealing.

If I am like everybody else, then there is nothing that makes people want to hangout with me when they could hang out with anybody else. Put me in a line up with people who have an actual reason to smile wide, and you know who’s getting picked.

So I’ll just sit here. They can have fun. Hell, they can date, it has nothing to do with me. I’m not entitled to anything from her.

I see the irony, with my position and situation, but there are more fish in the sea.

Don’t think I’ll get a catch like her though.

After sitting there for a while, I decided it was time to go back.

But in the distance, I saw a giant blob looking thing, on the far end of the beach. Took my mind off it. I jumped over to investigate and I wasn’t too surprise at who I found over there.

“Can’t you do whatever this underwater? Though I would prefer that you do nothing at all. I guess you could fight pirates, anything is better than furthering a plot to wipe out millions of lives.” I scowled to her back, she only responded with a, “Not now.” before continuing what I can only assume was some form of training. I had guessed before that she had a limit to how much she could transform at a time, or some form of stamina for the ability.

“But seriously, why are you doing this here?” I sat myself down beside her.

She didn’t respond so I just pushed further. “Does it only work above water? That would be a pretty bad power for an ocean dweller.”

She replied sharply, “Not an ocean dweller. Not for much longer.”

I just sighed, was I ever going to get something humane out of her?

“You know, not too far from here there’s a country that was once ruled by a great and powerful Master. He drew a bright future in the imaginations of millions of people who had been beaten in a past war, the loss was still fresh in their minds, made them hungry for supremacy. And so, for a while they held the world in their fist.”

She still didn’t face me. I had hoped a little bit of a ye olde speak would get through to her, “I know of the country you speak. It is the chief enemy of your people, England.” I laughed and said, “Do you think so? What gives you that impression?”

She was at least giving speeches now, “As I recall, England was a minor state, often bullied by greater powers such as Spain and Italy. I’m unclear on the specifics, but eventually they gained the upper hand. They broke away from Italy’s holy hegemony and instated their own God king. They had a stroke of luck and defeated a vast armada of Spanish ships. And so, they grew mightier than any nation on earth. They did quite a good job at keeping you scum under their heel. I don’t know how you broke out from under it.”

I answered, “We didn’t. In the end they let us go because we wanted to be free.” She glanced a look at me, but before she could say anything I continued my thought, “Have you heard of Nazi Germany? That’s who I was actually talking about.”

She looked away from me, putting her focus back on her practice, “No.”

“Germany were defeated in The Great War. Scholars said it was a war so large, so destructive, that it would frighten humanity into never waging a war again. They were wrong. The mighty Master began to take what his people wanted, what he needed to wage a new war. Nobody else wanted to go back to war, so for a time, Countries like France, and England simply let them conquer territories of weaker nations, nations that had been just as broken by the Great War as Germany. So, they grew in ambition, the mighty ruler, unsatisfied with purely political power over his country, he wanted complete control over them. He learned that for a person to submit themselves, they need to run from something, a monster, an enemy, all so they might feel safer from a greater evil. He chose to once again draw a picture in their imaginations he told them their suffering was all due to a great enemy race. They take money from the people, hoarding it for themselves, and it was actually their fault that they lost the war. The mighty ruler would take care of them, the people and their enemies. And so, for no reason, he slaughtered his peoples own. Children and the old, any that were found, were not sparred. He could have put them to work, food and ammunition is short in times of war, but he killed them like dogs.”

She looked at me, “I understand your comparison. But you are not the imagined enemy. You are my England. In the past you succeeded. You slaughtered us. I will make it right. I will pass judgement.”

I looked her in those cold eyes, and I corrected her, “I never said I wasn’t your England. But ask yourself, your mighty master and their men, what would they do to motivate your people, to keep them on edge, fighting. Would they not just as easily turn neighbour against neighbour? Friend to foe? You’ve been living up here, away for quite some time. When you return, how do you know that the country you’ll return to will still be known for bratwurst and yodelling. Is your faith in your people so absolute? When you left them, can you say they didn’t suffer prejudice amongst each other on petty differences?”

She closed her eyes and looked away from me. The bubble burst. The water came crashing down, and soon re-joined the ocean.

She shifted her seating, twisting herself to look at me directly.

“Is this place better? You haven’t seen my world. My home. How can you judge it based on the history of some far-off nation? I… am a poor example. I am an executioner. This is my duty. To beat you. To beat you, so that we may thrive.”

I just shook my head, “This country doesn’t need executioners. Haven’t you seen the people who live here, the diversity of them, do they carry knifes on them? Granted, this is just a village. But this country is a place were different races and creeds can live together. That is the sort of place the surface, for the most part, has become.”

She glared into my eyes now, “Are you sure you can trust your people? Do you believe that they will resist the temptations of fleeting pleasures in order to stay loyal to strangers? If they were born in under the thrall of a terrible master, wouldn’t they kill their neighbours? Trade them for higher standing?”

I didn’t hesitate to answer, “They wouldn’t. It’s naïve, but I believe that the majority of people won’t be so easily tricked, the only reason I think that is because we’ve had the lives of others to learn from. History of evil. The past births a better future.”

“You are a fool. Though that was never in question.” She looked me up and down. “What sort of ruler are you, to wear such clobber.”

I was a little surprised by her, “Uh, I’m not the ruler of anything. I just punch people I don’t like, and try to help people who need it.”

There was a sort of shift in her eyes, “You told me you were as strong as every being on this island combined. If that were true, surely, by now you could have gained tracks of land far beyond the eastern shores. If you’ve lied to me, fool-“

I cut her off before she got any ideas, “I am- I am the strongest. Like I said, I just want to help people. The best way for me to do that is by being on my own, I don’t have any clue how to lead, so I’m not going to touch that can of snakes. People should do whatever they’re good at, I’m good at punching, and there are people good at… keeping society running. To be honest, I don’t have faith in them. Without a doubt there are people who don’t share my sentiments, who let power and wealth pull them in by the nose.”

She stood up and walked past me, “I shouldn’t be fighting you. You are a complacent pawn to foul masters. You admit they’re corrupted, yet what do you do? You are aimless. All I know is that you come to this beach every day to fight before spectators, like a prized animal put on show.”

I stood up and walked after her, “You do the same.”

She was done talking to me, “No. You have the power to change your country for the better. I don’t.”

She just continued walking down the beach- we walked down the beach. I wanted to keep an eye on her. I’d never thought she would stay above water longer than needed, I wanted to know what she was doing.

“Do you intend to follow me forever? Have you become my shark sucker?”

I frowned and said, “I’m not sucking anything. I’m just concerned by the thought of a murderer walking the streets free.”

We were quiet for some time. She pushed out, “I want to see where your faith comes from.”

“It doesn’t come from experience, I can tell you that much.” She looked back at me. “Good doesn’t exist. It’s a human concept. Good is simply something that exists in the absence of evil. I think that given the choice to fight for something that exists, versus an intangible concept, people will seek the intangible, even when they themselves are… evil, in nature, and practice. They want more than the material.”

She looked out to the sea. “It is a country of fools…”

“Yeah, I guess.” I scratched my head for a while as to what to do next.

I think I did alright at making conversation with a wannabe Genocidal maniac.

But I was pretty stumped at where to go from here.

Her head whipped around, she went for a knife, as I tapped her on the shoulder.

“Uh, do you want to get something to eat? Might be nice to try something other than fish food. Maybe you’ll learn something about us if you do.”

That got the most expression out of her face I’ve ever seen.

Her jaw closed back up, “You are more than a fool if you think I’ll take food from an enemy. Surely you don’t believe me to be as naïve as you.”

I just shrugged and said, “If I wanted you dead, I’d just punch you. I could do it in one. But I’m not a murderer and I am not…”

I was going to say I wasn’t a liar, but that’s what a super hero is, right? I’d told her plenty of lies to try and keep her talking.

“-I’m not exactly going anywhere, so we might as well go down to dingle and get some KFC.”

She stared for a while. “Fine. We will get ‘KFC’.”

From there on, it was me explaining the concept of fast food, what a chicken was, and in turn she explained a little about her people. I found out some Fomorians lay eggs like fish, and males fertilise them, or even do that thing sea horses do. Apparently, she does it like a human, though I didn’t ask many questions about her biology.

Apparently, her country, The Fomorian Federation, is only one country that’s under water. She said there was no Atlantis, which I wasn’t too bummed about. The other countries are comprised of sects of the Federation that broke off, due to fighting for independence from the crown or banishment.

The Federation is ruled by some sort of God King, though he’s not around much anymore, got sealed, killed or ascended, something like that.

I was still on the baby making bit, it sounded pretty gross the way she described it.

Eventually she dipped out. When I got home it was pretty late, and my gran was angry that I missed dinner. Great, now I had to eat that stuff microwaved. Pretty big reality shift, going from God kings to microwaved kale.

Today got me thinking though, I really can’t have a girlfriend, can I?

Obviously, there’s the human reasons I’ve already gone over, and there was the old bit about putting loved ones in danger.

But thinking about how some of her people are physically incompatible…

What I realised was, I can’t do it.

I don’t know that I can hold back under that pressure, the adrenaline.

It just sort of hit me. To keep people safe, I can’t risk doing it. Ever.

Guess that makes me a perma-virgin.

.

.

.

“Yo, Sam, I have got to talk to you man. Listen, you fricking blew it. Totally blew it. You know Adonis? Richest guy in school? He just started dating the girl in your art class. You missed your shot by like, a day. I don’t want to sound mean here bro, but she was your best shot. Honestly man, I was rooting for you, seriously, I’m mates with Adonis, but somethin’ a little shameful about him taking the only girl on your level man. Like I said I respect you for shooting straight or whatever, but he’s shooting down, you know? I mean from a skyscraper or something, that’s a little lame.”

I just looked back and smiled, “That’s good for them. They’d be good a good couple, right?”

He just shook his head and frowned,

“Sam. You’re limp dicked. You need to grow a back bone.”

“I know. But I’ve got other stuff to focus on right now anyway.”

Got a call. I’m gonna pay off my debt soon.