Chapter 223 – The Weight of Accepting Feelings

Nathan Evenhart:

I woke up that morning with a lingering heaviness in my heart, though the conversation I’d had with my mother had eased some of the guilt consuming me. I didn’t want to replace Helen. I blamed myself for having the chance to experience with someone else what I had longed to share with her—something we both desired but could never achieve.

I lifted my gaze to the sky, feeling the gentle breeze against my face.

"You will always be my first love, and I’ll never forget you. I know your soul was erased from existence, but if, by some miracle, you’re still out there somewhere... I hope you can forgive me." I whispered to the wind, as though my words might somehow reach her in some distant place. "I wish I could say this to you in person, but I know that wherever you are, I’m not worthy of being in the same place."

I looked down at my hands and summoned a small bubble of water. Watching its fragile form, I let it trickle through my fingers, falling softly onto a sunflower at my feet.

"Let these drops represent the tears I can’t bring myself to shed for you. I’m sorry, Helen... but if I allow even one tear to fall now, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop."

I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the emptiness within me but also the resolve to keep moving forward. In this world, there were people I needed to see—people I owed apologies to. I needed to atone for not recognizing the depth of the love surrounding me, for failing to appreciate how much I was cared for.

"Chloe, Kinue, Cylla..." I murmured to myself as their names drifted through my thoughts. Each of them, in their own way, had placed their affection in my hands, and I, blinded by the scars of my past, had failed to see it.

"I’ll make things right. I promise."

***

I sat at the academy’s entrance, head lowered, letting the storm of thoughts consume my mind. The confusion of emotions grew heavier with each passing moment, making even the simple act of breathing feel burdensome. I needed to apologize. To all three of them.

My mother had left the day before with Cylla, Martha, and the maids. I had refused to go with them. I needed solitude—a moment to sort through my thoughts and offer my apologies to Helen, at least in spirit. Over the past few days, I had barely seen Cylla. She was upset; that much was clear. She had always been more perceptive than I liked to admit. Perhaps, after witnessing my argument with Chloe, she understood something I was still trying to deny: I could never return the love she had for me.

Cylla knew more about my past than anyone else. She understood the shadow of Helen that lingered over me and never brought it up, respecting the depth of the pain it caused me. She had always known that, despite everything, I wasn’t ready to move on. Maybe that’s why she had been so uncomfortable seeing Chloe on the verge of confessing. Watching that moment likely saddened her, even though she had understood the truth from the beginning.

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The truth was, I still wasn’t ready to let go of Helen. And, if I were honest with myself, I might never be.

But I also knew that, in this world, there were people who saw me as their sun. People who depended on me in ways I could no longer ignore. Cylla, Chloe, Kinue... each of them had connected to me in ways I couldn’t fully reciprocate. Yet, that didn’t mean I should shut myself off from them entirely. I needed to apologize to each of them. It was a debt I owed, and at that moment, I felt the weight of those unspoken words. Apologies were the least I could give them.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to love again, but I want to try—step by step—with them by my side.

I took a deep breath. Being human again wasn’t easy.

“You look like garbage,” a familiar voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

Looking up, I saw my teacher and mentor in magic, Adrihna. The High Elf who had taught me to harness my special eyes and master mana as a summoner. She had become more than just a teacher—I saw her as a close friend.

“Am I really that bad?” I asked, standing up slowly.

“I don’t know. It might not even be bad enough for breaking the sweet heart of my adorable fox girl,” she replied, catching me off guard.

“I... I’m on my way to fix it.”

Adrihna stepped closer and, in a swift motion, pulled me into a tight hug before flicking me on the head.

“You better. Or I’ll have to tug your ears like your mother does,” she said, letting me go. I knew I was in the wrong, so I accepted her little scolding.

“Nathan, this is for you,” she said, pulling a small box from her storage bracelet and handing it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, eyeing it suspiciously.

“A box of chocolates. I was going to give it to you that day, but after that argument... well, we didn’t cross paths. It’s some human tradition in this city for women to give chocolates to friends or something. I still don’t entirely get the custom.”

I looked at her and ended up laughing.

“I think that tradition’s meant for younger girls, not... 200-year-old grandmas.”

Naturally, Adrihna flicked my head again.

“I might be almost 200, but I’m still young and beautiful! Did you know I got three marriage proposals from noblemen in the city just this week?”

“Poor guys...” I muttered as I began walking alongside her.

“Look who’s talking,” she said, stopping to glare at me. “The guy who hurt the hearts of two girls who love him. Are you sure you didn’t inherit the flaw of our race—being incapable of feeling love?”

“All right, all right... I’ll stop teasing you about your age. Waving the white flag here—don’t hit me again.”

She adjusted her monocle, laughing. “We’re agreed then. No need to rub salt in each other’s wounds.”

Adrihna let out a soft laugh that made me curious.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“You humans are far too complicated with your emotions. If you like someone, why not just be with them? If it’s come to the point where a High Elf has to give you relationship advice, things are really a mess, Nathan,” she said, giving me a light pat on the shoulder.

We stopped in front of a carriage—one that, interestingly, had no horses.

“You’re actually giving me a ride to the Royal Capital?” I asked.

“Of course. One of my main duties is solving all your problems. Someday, I’ll explain exactly why. I’ll drop you off at the Underground Transport Port, and from there, I’ll head to the Elven Kingdom.”

I stepped into the carriage and sat beside her.

“Why are you going to the Elven Kingdom? I thought you’d take a break and enjoy your vacation.”

Adrihna snapped her fingers, and the carriage began moving—most likely pulled by her summoned golem horses.

“I’m heading to the Elven Kingdom for a meeting with the elders and the king. I’ll be working through my time off, all thanks to a certain boy who’s guilty of being half-human and high half-elf. Know this boy?” she teased, flicking my forehead with a smirk.