Chapter 221 – The Reason Behind Sovereign Icarus' Death

Nathan Evenhart:

I got out of bed after what could barely be called sleep. Even in slumber, my mind found no peace. Beside me on the bed was a crumpled box of chocolates—the gift Chloe gave me before leaving.

I was still in the Evenhart mansion in Apsalon.

Chloe had left two days ago, right after we departed from the academy. She chose to leave without me, without even saying goodbye to our friends.

She and Kinue must already be on the underground transport heading toward the duchy.

I sighed.

I'm sorry, Chloe.

My cousin had been so upset that she refused to leave with my mother. She didn’t want to see anyone and agreed to leave only if Kinue went with her.

"Even Kinue was mad at me," I muttered.

Chloe and I argued, and she demanded an explanation. But all I could manage to say was that I didn’t want a relationship with her. I couldn’t muster the courage to tell her about the fear that haunts me—the fear of repeating what I’ve already endured once before.

"Being human again... is hard."

Having human feelings again is painful...

I could have easily justified myself by pointing out that she’s 15 and, in reality, I am over 500. But if I think like that, then I’ll never allow myself to have a relationship with anyone. In this world, Chloe and I are adults. Here, I’m no longer Icarus—I’m Nathan Evenhart, a 15-year-old adult.

Lately, I’ve been plagued by fears and memories of my past. Dreams of moments I desperately wanted to forget have returned to haunt me. Discovering that dark beings regarded as deities exist in this world has stirred a cascade of concerns. I feel as though I’m walking on thin ice, constantly waiting for it to crack and drag everything I cherish into the depths.

I can’t repeat my mistakes. I can’t have Chloe by my side, nor anyone else.

I need to uncover what the Illuminated are. I need to understand the prophecy Sisika gave me before she died. She spoke of a great conflict, of the moment when those beings would reveal themselves.

Sitting on the bed, I looked outside. I chuckled at the irony of the storm raging outside.

It’s always like this... I always lose the ones I love during a storm. I lost Helen... then Sisika... and now Chloe has left me.

I glanced around the room, noticing Cylla’s absence. She’s been avoiding me lately, spending her nights with my mother.

What do I do, Sisika? I wish I had someone who truly understood me to talk to...

"I hope you can forgive me, Chloe... but I can’t lose another fiancée," I murmured.

"It was my fault... I caused Helen’s death. I can’t cause yours. You and our family are what I treasure most in this world. That’s why I can’t risk losing you. You’ve given me something no power in the world could offer—a home."

Chloe cried, and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even comfort her, because I’m the one who caused her pain.

How can I protect those I love when I’m the one hurting them?

I stared at my hands, feeling the weight of guilt pressing down on me.

Maybe I’m using these dark beings as an excuse to avoid admitting the truth. The truth buried in my heart.

I sighed, looking back outside. A deep ache tightened in my chest, a knot forming in my throat. Fighting with Chloe... hurt. It hurt my soul.

Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to move on, Helen? I don’t want to replace you. You were my first love. I don’t want to erase you from my life. Your soul ceased to exist; you can’t even be called someone who died. Your very existence was erased by the blade of a god.

Do I deserve this? I don’t want to forget the person who taught me how to love in another life.

"Without my sun, there’s no reason to live…" I murmured the words she said to me that day.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

I wiped the tears streaming down my face.

I tried to end my life to join you, to disappear just as you did. But I couldn’t even do that.

I’m sorry, Helen… I’m sorry. I failed even at erasing myself from existence.

I’m not worthy of being called your sun.

***

I couldn’t eat anything that day. A few maids tried to bring me something, but I refused. I stayed in bed, trapped in my own internal struggles, immersed in the storm raging within me. Ever since I was reborn, I had tried to avoid thinking about my feelings for Helen, but now... the memories hit me like a tsunami, dredging up everything I had thrown into the depths of the sea.

‘Knock, knock.’ Someone knocked on the door, but I didn’t answer. I remained lying there. Night had fallen, and soon, sleep would drag me into yet another nightmare.

"Nathan…" a gentle voice called. I turned toward the door.

"Mother? Is something wrong?" I asked, watching her step in and close the door behind her.

She walked over to the bed and sat down beside me.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I’m fine…" I replied, unconvincingly.

She moved closer.

"What are you doing?" I asked as she leaned nearer.

"Shush, Nate," she said, pulling me into a firm embrace.

My mother held me tightly and kissed the top of my head.

"It’s okay, I’m here with you. You can cry, my son."

The moment she said those words, I couldn’t hold back any longer. Everything I had kept bottled up inside burst out all at once. The tears came flooding, unstoppable. All the worries, fears, doubts, and failures I carried rose to the surface. I tried to speak, to apologize to Helen, but the words came out in a jumble, and the more I tried, the more the tears fell.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that, just crying while my mother held me in her arms. I cried until, at some point, I fell asleep.

She didn’t complain, not even once. She stayed with me, rocking me gently and stroking my head. Even as I drifted off, I could still hear her humming a lullaby.

"My child…" she whispered. "You are so loved, and you don’t even realize it."

I was awake in her arms but stayed silent, cherishing the moment.

"I hate seeing you like this, Nate," she said, gently brushing the strands of hair from my eyes. She sighed, looking at me with such tenderness.

"Do you care about Chloe?" she asked. At that moment, I couldn’t lie.

"I do…"

She shook her head softly, as if scolding me, then chuckled.

"You’re as indecisive as your mother was," she said with a wry smile. "But I’m sure you have your reasons for not reciprocating Chloe’s feelings."

She gave me a gentle flick on the forehead.

"My son, don’t be like your mother. Don’t carry regrets that will consume you."

She caressed my cheeks lovingly.

I stayed quiet, just listening.

"I lost your father, my first love, to the war," she said.

Those words struck something deep within me.

I lost my first love in the war too.

"How did you get through it?" I asked.

"I didn’t," she replied. "Your mother lives with this deep pain every single day."

I haven’t gotten over it either.

She took a deep breath.

"But I need to honor the memory of the person I loved. It would be selfish of me to give up on my life just because I can’t cope with this pain."

Her words pierced my soul, like a thousand arrows striking my heart.

"Do you know who taught me that?" she asked.

"Who?"

She chuckled softly and touched the tip of my nose.

"You, Nathan. You were the one who taught me that."

She looked at me, her gaze distant as though recalling a memory buried deep within.

"When you were born… you gave me a purpose to live. Your cry brought me joy. I had already given up on my life that night, but you smiled at me when you realized I was okay. The midwives had kept you away from me all night to care for me properly, but you wouldn’t stop crying, not even during the storm outside. Your cries were louder than the thunder. But the moment they brought you close to me, you stopped crying. It was as if you were relieved to see me alive. That little smile dispelled the darkness that had consumed me. That tiny baby brought the light back into my world, like a sun to me."

I was silent, unable to find words to express what I felt.

She leaned closer and kissed my forehead.

"Nathan, don’t go through what your mother went through. I lost my love because I kept him away from me. But the person you love is still within your reach. Don’t let her slip away. Don’t let your fiancée leave."

Fiancée?

She sighed deeply.

"There was a time, when you were very young, that your aunt and I had to make a difficult decision. Back then, we were in the midst of a noble crisis, just a few years after the last war ended, and the duchy’s economy was in shambles. That’s what fueled the crisis. They saw our family’s weakness and tried to take advantage. We couldn’t let the future of our children be stolen, so we stole it ourselves. Your aunt and I signed a betrothal agreement. You and Chloe have been engaged since you were five years old."

She stopped for a moment, her gaze steady as she looked at me.

"She is your fiancée, Nathan. You can be angry at me for what I did, but that won’t change anything. Do you want to hurt your fiancée? Do you want to hurt the person who loves you?"

I didn’t know how to process what I had just learned, but one thing was clear: I didn’t want to hurt my fiancée. I didn’t want to lose her again.

"No… I don’t want my fiancée to leave," I said firmly.

She flicked my forehead lightly.

"Nathan Evenhart, you hurt that girl’s heart. In fact, you hurt three girls’ hearts."

"Three?" I asked, surprised. "I don’t understand."

"If you can’t bring yourself to love even one, how do you think the other two feel? By denying one’s love, you denied them all. You hurt Chloe, Kinue, and Cylla."

She looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

"How do you know Cylla likes me?"

"She’s been sleeping by your side since you were five. Of course, she likes you."

"I see…"

My mother chuckled softly.

"Besides… I’ve walked into your room a few times while you were sleeping, and she was hugging you and laughing."

That’s so like her…

"Kinue and Chloe are lucky Cylla isn’t human. If she were, I’m pretty sure she’d kidnap you and keep you all to herself," my mother said with a smirk.

She’s already done that once…

I sighed, gazing at the woman who had always been there for me. From the moment I arrived in this world, she was the one who stood by me during my darkest times, when I needed someone who truly understood me. She had always been there.

"Thank you, Mother. It feels like you always know the right thing to say," I said softly.

She pinched my nose gently.

"I have to know, Nathan. After all, I’m your mother. It’s my job to take care of you," she replied with a warm smile.