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Acceptance

I was doomed to never be alone. That was the fate destiny had prepared for me. Although as I look back at it, it was mostly my own doing. As I walked through the Void, the moment I crossed into a different Room, Shade appeared behind me and caught up to my speed. We were both walking along like two childhood friends going on a hike.

"You don't seem very happy to see me, Eddie. Is there something wrong? Do I perhaps remind you of your own guilt?"

"Kind of, but you are actually wrong this time. I am very happy to see you."

"Oh? Oh... Shit, you're not lying? Are you that afraid and desperate you actually need the company of your own inner darkness? Man, you are such a lonely, pathetic..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, would you just let me talk for a minute? Then you can go back to your nonsensical rambling."

"Oh? He strikes back? How fun. Okay, shoot. What is it that you wanted to say?"

"It's not really that much about saying, as it is about asking."

"Nope! I will not leave you alone during the confrontation. We're gonna have a hell of a blast! Like during the old times, when we faced Ifrit? Do you remember? Oh, how much fun we've had."

"It's the opposite actually."

"Huh? Okay, now you're scaring me. Who are you and what have you done to Eddie?"

"It's still me. But I figured that it's time to actually talk for a moment."

"Again? We've talked before."

"But not like this. As much as you might not believe it, I actually need you."

We've crossed into another Room. This one looked like the fever dream of a mad cubist sculptor. It was a massive field of marble with highly nonsensical statues scattered across the place. I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to represent if anything at all. Archer's words were firmly stuck in my head - to climb the widest pillar. There were a few of them all over the place, looking almost like they were supporting the sky itself with such height. But only one of them was distinctly wider than the rest.

"You need me? Dude, it's settled then. The Void has claimed your sanity. Oh, what a shame that was. He was so healthily crazy, and now he's just batshit nuts."

"I'm not crazy. Not yet."

"Then why would you need me? I am what you hate about yourself. I am literally the bad part of you. I am..."

"Do you think because of that I wouldn't need you?"

"Well..."

"Is that all you think you are? A bad part of me?"

"I don't think it. It is the objective truth. I was brought into this world by the hatred you feel towards yourself. I am quite literally your burden. So why the fuck do you think you need me?"

"Because we are one. You are Eddie as much as I am. I cannot go to the battle this... fragmented. I know you carry my hatred and that is the reason why you exist and hate me, but right now, I need... well, peace. We must, at the very least, create a ceasefire."

"Heh, I told you, I will not leave you alone. That is simply not what I want."

"I know, and that is not what I'm asking. I want you to go to the battle and fight alongside me."

"You mean... like we did when we fought Ifrit?"

"No. You possessed me back then. I would not like that. I... whoa... freaky," I got interrupted for a while as I stepped into the pillar and gravity suddenly changed around me. If I had food in my stomach, it would've surely been on its way out by that point.

"I don't want you to be in control. Instead, I wish we would fight side by side. Both of us. Clearly, you could fight against Flic, so why not the Resident? You'd have nothing to lose."

"So... we'd be allies?"

"Exactly. Allies. Because I wish to learn how to accept you. And I think this is the first step. You are the ugly part of me. I might not like it, but it is true. And frankly, there is nothing I can do about it right now. So I just wish to use this opportunity, when you have a physical form, to try and reason with you and ask you to please be my ally at least for this time. To help me turn that hatred into a weapon."

Shade was silent for a moment. It seemed that what I told him struck him more than I intended.

"What exactly do you think I am, Eddie? In all honesty?"

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"My inner demons. The side of me that I dislike."

"That's... not entirely accurate."

"What do you mean? You just said that it was the objective truth. What else would you be? You've been tormenting me all this time. I think your identity is something we've been through already."

"That's true, but you didn't quite... realize something important. Let me just ask you this: Do you remember when I first appeared?"

"In Everstar. When the Deaths and I went out to find Ifrit."

"Indeed. Do you know what you felt back then?"

"Hatred. I hated myself for being so weak. I still do. You're the hatred I feel towards myself due to all the guilt associated with the deaths I've caused."

"Yup, that bit is correct. But you hated yourself even before you came here, right? I mean... that's how you got here, no? You felt incompetent because you could never live up to the success of that single book. Your confidence went down, and you felt like nobody could care about someone as useless as you. Is that right?"

"Why are you bringing this up? Are you just trying to get under my skin again? Wouldn't surprise me, given that it's you."

"No. You still don't see it?"

"See what?"

"If I'm the hatred you feel about people dying because of you, then who's the hatred you felt before?"

I stopped so quickly that I nearly fell off the pillar. Fortunately, its gravity was still holding me strong. It was here once again. My hand started to grow and twist into crazy shapes. This was the final wall I'd have to cross. But what Shade said didn't exactly make me feel more at ease either.

"Oh come on, move your ass!" he said, covered my eyes, and pushed me along to the other side. I felt the disorienting twist of the transportation. Doing this more often would definitely drive me crazy even without me seeing the entirety of the Void.

"Damn... look," Shade called out to me and got his hand off my face. The room around us was pitch black. And just a few meters in front of us were the doors. They were metal as if they were hiding an old garage on the other side. Through them, I could see something. An unmistakable vast desert with the sun just about to set. It was almost beautiful.

"We're here," I pushed back the urge to cry. I never thought I'd be so happy that my creation was still in one piece. "I need to know your answer Shade. Now. Are you with me, or against me?"

"I need to know yours first. Do you want to fight with me? Or would you rather fight as your whole self?"

"We don't have time for this!"

"This is important! Eddie, I need to know this. And not because of me! I AM YOU! This isn't me asking if you're going to accept yourself. This is YOU asking YOURSELF if you're finally ready for it."

"I... I guess. I don't know. How am I supposed to know?! There is no simple solution to this! If you're just one of my demons then... then how am I supposed to ever come to terms with everything?!" I shouted back at him. Even when he wasn't insulting me, his presence was emotionally draining.

"Close your eyes."

"Why?" I snapped at him.

"Just do it. Please. It won't take long."

"Fine." I did as he asked, expecting discomfort or some sudden possession.

"You have a wife back at home. Someone who decided to love you despite all of your flaws. Do you remember what she told you once? When you went stargazing after that dinner fiasco?"

"No, I don't."

"Liar. Try again. We are the same, Eddie. I know the answer, so you must too. You're just afraid."

"She... she said that I have a wonderful but messy mind."

"Exactly. Despite the messy part, she saw what was wonderful inside you. She saw what all of your friends saw. What your readers and fans saw. And exactly the same thing as I still see even now."

"You... what?!" This caught me off guard. I expected many things, but for Shade to actually try encouraging me? That was unheard of. I knew him... I knew myself far too much to notice that something fishy was going on. I opened my eyes and instantly backed away. In front of me was a slightly shorter mirror copy of myself, just like Shade was, only this one was coloured blue with a faint glow around them.

"Who the fuck are you?!"

"I don't know," the apparition responded. "Why won't you give me a name?"

"I..." There was not a single syllable that wanted to leave my mouth. I was so confused by what was happening that part of me started to wish I had stayed in the Void.

"I'm... well, what your wife left within you. I am those feelings you feel when you think about her. How she believed in you and supported you. I am the love you feel for her."

"But... Where is Shade? And you... how did you get here?"

"The same way as Shade did. Your power is remarkable. You can bring forth physical forms of your own consciousness. Well... almost physical."

"But why you?"

"Well, we thought that I would probably be the best one to show you the whole truth."

"We? The whole truth? What the fuck is going on here?!"

"You said you wanted to accept yourself. To accept Shade. Is that still the truth?"

"Of course, yeah. I want to take at least this step. I know that this solves nothing, but every time we spoke before, I either gave in to his rambling, or I fought back. But maybe that really is wrong. Maybe by simply accepting him, one day... one day I might be able to forgive myself. To change what has been bothering me so much. To be better. To be happy with who I am."

"But it's not just about Shade."

"Right, I figured. Is that why you're here? You want to show me that I need to accept you as well."

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

"To tell you that you must accept all of us." He gestured somewhere over my shoulder. Despite the threat of being erased by a Resident, I felt much more afraid when turning around. My anxious mind came up with all sorts of things that I could find there. But this... This was really something I never thought I'd have to experience.

There stood a crowd. An entire crowd of people. They all looked slightly different, almost like ghosts. Not transparent, but colourful and glowing. Their clothes were also different from one another. Some of them didn't even wear any and were instead like smooth mannequins from a clothing store, except that these had faces, and all of those faces were me. It was a crowd of me.

"What is this?" I asked, unable to grasp or describe my feelings. It felt crazier than seeing the rooms of the Void.

"I told you. It's not just about accepting your guilt and hatred. You are a human. Humans are complex. I'd understand if you wouldn't want to confront them, but I just wanted to show you what exactly you are. Not only Eddie and Shade. You are all of this. Self-hatred, low self-esteem, anxiety, imposter syndrome, but also kindness, loved by others, admired by many, a great creative mind, and so much more. Why accept only Shade? They deserve to be accepted too."

I stood there, looking them all in the eyes. For the first time, unlike with Shade, I felt something other than anger when seeing these colourful clones. I felt pity. Sympathy. For the first time, I understood what Shade truly meant when he said that we are one. It wasn't just his origin and looks. It was this feeling. This indescribable feeling of looking into a mirror and finally seeing yourself.