“So Ben, how exactly did you convince Anna to go out? I’m extremely confused. Was her apology that amazing? Did you trick her somehow? Was there food involved?”

She rolled her eyes at Laney’s facetious questions. Oh how she knew this would be coming. For once, she was spending time with someone they deemed ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ and ‘gentlemanly’. Granted she did, in fact, deem him those things too, and she was equally if not more shocked by her own outlandishly normal-ish behavior.

“I figured we could both use a night out since we were both a bit tense from life’s … quandaries. Turns out I was right. Today was a total fluke. Although you may be right, Laney, I might’ve persuaded her a bit with promises of a greasy breakfast, abundant coffee and guns.”

Greg raised his eyebrows, nearly choking on the bite he was chewing, and Laney let out a booming laugh that was propelled by a bit too much wine.

“I mean really I just felt so bad that I yelled at Ben without reason and am just treating him to a disillusioned weekend of me actually acting like a person who goes out and does things spontaneously.”

“Now that sounds accurate.” She couldn’t help but shoot a look at Greg, who was always a little too eager with his jabbing humor.

“Well that’s great that you two have had some fun these past few days. God knows you both need it.”

Ben and herself nodded in agreement while looking at each other. She felt a blush coming on, and found the timing to be perfect to start clearing plates from the table.

“Let’s get this cleaned up and get a movie started, huh? Who knows when this spell of me liking people will suddenly snap!”

Laney shooed Greg and Ben off to the living room as we cleared the dishes, bringing them to the sink to split the duties of washing and drying. Laney tugged on her elbow as she started rinsing off plates.

“Do you like Ben, Anna? Do you?”

“Oh god Laney, come on—aren’t we past these middle school questions?”

“You are glowing, your uterus is practically the sun!”

“Jesus, Laney! Lay off the wine. He is nice. He is funny. I like him as a person. Do not push your luck with me.”

“Okay! Okay! I was just curious, jeez. But as a small side note you’d be stupid to pass up that body. Straight stupid.”

Her mouth dropped in awe as Laney exited the kitchen, a devious smirk spread on her face, and plopped next to Greg on the couch. Ben was sitting on the loveseat by himself, which left her either sitting next to him or on the armchair, alone. There was no doubt she wanted to sit next to Ben, but part of her wanted to spite Laney and her overzealous and annoying matchmaker attitude.

She dried her hands off on a towel and turned the lights off as she walked into the living room. Grabbing a blanket off of the back of the armchair, she sat down in it victoriously. Laney shot her a look, and Anna smiled over at Ben, who smiled back.

“Fire it up, Greg!”

It was Laney’s night to pick a movie, and as usual, she picked one of her all time favorites that Anna had seen too many times over their lengthy friendship. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Although she was not at all interested in the movie, she feigned interest in watching. Ben watched closely, claiming he had only seen parts of it and never in its entirety. They all made a good show of gasping and berating him for dishonoring such a classic film, complete with popcorn throwing and booing.

Laney and Greg were asleep within the first half hour, keeping their near perfect streak of never staying awake through a whole movie. Ben, on the other hand, had his eyes glued to the screen the entire time. His legs were casually crossed on the ottoman, looking quite comfortable in his jeans and black shirt, beer in hand.

She had been chewing her lip, fighting against the craving for the same closeness, the same warmth they’d shared earlier when they had hugged. As she confirmed that both Laney and Greg were sound asleep by waiting for their chorus of snoring, she took her chance to grab her blanket and carefully tiptoed over to sit by Ben.

As she briefly broke his line of sight to the TV, he looked up at her with a smile.

“Well hey there.” His words were hushed, a bit raspy.

“Don’t get cocky. You look warm and comfortable. And you do smell nice.”

He raised his hands in a gesture of innocence and replied, “I’ll take it.”

She curled up against his side so she could feel his every inhale and exhale, and he lazily rested his arm around the back of the couch. Her heartbeat was borderline painful as it slammed into her chest. She had never been this nervous, this anxious about someone else’s presence, someone else's touch.

As they continued watching the movie, she was slowly able to calm her ridiculous heartbeat. That was until at some point, the arm that Ben had on the back of the couch had started to rub small circles on the front of her shoulder with his thumb. Her heartbeat shot off the charts in a matter of seconds. Ok, this was getting ridiculous. He was a man. Just a man.

The movie wound down to its final scene, her favorite seen. Paul tossing the ring in Holly’s lap, the desperate search for Cat, the kiss in the rain. It was all so romantically real, so wonderfully chaotic. Its imperfections made it tellingly honest. As the credits rolled, she turned her head slightly to look up at Ben. He looked back down at her, nodding in approval. She could tell he was tired, with bloodshot eyes and heavy lids, but he had made it to the end.

“You approve?”

“I do. It was a great movie. A lot of dialogue which is a nice change of pace from constant explosions.”

His sleepiness was starting to get the best of him. She couldn’t help but smile at how dopey he looked.

“What’s up, smiley?”

“You’re so tired. How are you going to get home?”

“Home? I am far too comfortable to possibly get up and go out into the cold. That’s madness.”

He mumbled every word, his eyes slowly working towards being closed. Her foolish heart rate rising yet again, she debated what she should do—Greg and Laney were still asleep. They had no proof that she and Ben had ever sat next to each other and, dare she say it, cuddled. She must have jinxed herself as she was thinking, because Greg started to move just as she was about to get up and flee the scene.

“Oh Laney, the movie is over. We gotta get going. Come on.”

Ben cracked open one of his eyes and looked down at her. He made a threatening face and mouthed ‘Don’t move’. With a firm punch into his leg, she sprang up and started to fold the blanket back over by the armchair. Ben reeled into an upright position and shook his head at her, a smile on his face.

“Wha? Oh, jeez, it is over. God what time is it? We’re supposed to go back to your place, Greg.” Laney looked frazzled as she slowly came back into the grasp of reality.

“Yeah, yeah, we still can. I’ve got my car here. We need to get to packing up some of my stuff tomorrow morning. I’m up, I’m up.”

Ben stood up and straightened his clothes out, following in line behind the groggy couple.

With a few more minutes of shuffling about and grabbing a few miscellaneous things, Greg and Laney finally said their goodbyes.

“You’ll be okay by yourself, Anna? I’ll be back tomorrow night, I think.”

“Yes, Laney. I’ll be fine. I have functioned alone before. Now get going you two, before you fall asleep standing.”

With that they were out the door, waving goodbye to both her and Ben. Shutting it behind them, she turned to face him, standing with his hands in his pockets. She hadn’t really thought this far ahead. There had yet to be a goodbye between them. Their meetings had blended into one another without a definite end. She grew more flustered as the silence grew louder. Ben managed to fill the space with his sleepy voice.

“This has been nice. I had a great weekend.”

Shaking her head with her arms crossed her chest, she replied softly, nearly a whisper.

“This is insane. This is not something I do.” She realized she was talking more to herself than to him. His reply was sleep coated but sincere.

“Like you said, I’m warm, cozy, and I smell nice.”

“I’m glad that you forgave me. And I’m glad that we got to try it again.”

“Me too. Now, I better get out of here before I end up passing out where I stand. It’s bad enough I’ll be dead on my feet tomorrow for work.”

She nodded and anxiously brushed her hair behind her ear with one hand as she opened the door for him with the other. Just as he started to walk past her and through the door, he paused. Reaching down for her hand, he brought it up to his lips, placing the lightest kiss on the back of her fingers. It looked like he was reaching for words, trying to put a sentence together. He settled for something simple.

“Goodnight, Anna.”

And then he walked down the hall, hands in his pockets. She listened as the door to the building opened and closed with a heavy thud. Stepping inside the apartment, she closed the door behind herself. The clinking of the locks being turned and chained seemed to echo throughout the apartment. She didn’t know what to do with herself. Her fingers still tingled from where Ben had placed his tender kiss.

She had never experienced something like this before. All of the men, and a few women, who she had liked or been interested in just wanted sex. Sex always came first. She found herself wondering what it would have been like if Ben had stayed instead of leaving. She never literally slept with anyone. She was always too restless. Sleep constantly eluded her and her unrelenting thoughts.

Now, as she turned off the lights in the apartment and padded quietly to her room, she felt anxious, but content. She didn’t feel the need to stay up. Tiredness washed over her as she changed into a loose t-shirt and an old pair of ratty shorts.

There was not one part of her that was entirely sure what to make of Ben. This was uncharted territory. She kept waiting for him to make a move on her, to get the sex and then grow bored and move on quickly, giving her the emotional whiplash that she was all too familiar with.

As she laid down in her bed and looked up at the ceiling, slowly succumbing to the heaviness of her eyelids, she felt like she was in a different universe, an alternate reality. It took no time at all for her eyes to close, and she felt herself relax into whatever this was. It was comfortable, it felt safe, and it was something she had never experienced before. She had a lot of questions for herself, for Ben. But her mind quieted, and she let herself relax into her soft sheets and the comfort of her bed.

Sleep found her there, underneath the charm of a man she hardly knew, but who had made her feel like a version of herself she never knew existed. She held onto the memories of the past few days tightly, fearing they would slip away from her in the middle of the night. The goodness of it all made her heart swell, bringing her into sleep without so much as a single toss or a turn. An unfathomable version of herself.

----------------------------------------

Sunlight pierced her eyelids, and she gave her limbs a deep stretch, welcoming the morning with a bit of gratitude for once. She blinked a few times and listened. Nothing greeted her but the piercing quiet of the apartment. Bringing her hand up to her forehead, she felt slightly ashamed. Did she honestly think that this, whatever it was with Ben, was sustainable? That it would last? The distance between the night and the morning felt like thousands of miles. The surge of comforting assurance she felt last night as she fell asleep eluded her now.

She rubbed her face fiercely with her hands and flung the covers off herself with an annoyed grumble. Sliding her feet into her beat-up slippers and pulling on her fluffy gray robe, she shuffled into the kitchen to brew her miracle juice. It was as she was filling the coffee pot with water at the sink that her eyes snagged on Ben’s NYPD hat, sitting auspiciously on the coffee table in front of the couch.

A smile came to her face as she walked over to the couch and sat down. All she could do was shake her head side to side in disbelief. A sigh left her lips as she looked around the apartment. Was this a convenient plant, or a genuine accident? It gave her a reason to see him again. She would allow herself time to adjust, to see how she honestly felt without him around. Even sitting there in the silence of the apartment, she craved hearing Ben’s voice. Maybe a smart quip or a suggestion of something to do for the day. It felt good so far. Unpredictable but good.

Springing up and off the loveseat, she quickly made her way back into the kitchen to grab her first cup of coffee. Sweeping into the bathroom next, she looked herself in the eyes through the mirror. The dark bags were still apparent, but there was a smile on her lips that would not disappear. She suddenly felt motivated to get going and get to the studio to practice her routine. To work out all the kinks and tweak it towards perfection. It would be a space to allow her to focus on something other than the confusing and simultaneously exhilarating side effects of Ben.

She was excited about the possibility of seeing him again. There was no doubt in her mind that she was actually looking forward to seeing him, but she was so much better at keeping to herself. Over the past couple of months, she had mastered functioning alone and had really come to terms with the fact that when she did date, she was destined to date heartless, womanizing men. She didn’t believe in her capabilities of handling this kind of relationship. A functioning, positive one.

A wave of anxiety rolled through her body as she stepped into the hot shower. When she closed her eyes, she focused on envisioning her routine, her movement through space. She sighed when she managed to succeed, seeing herself move across the studio space with grace and intention. It didn’t take long before Ben appeared, in uniform, standing by the stage. This time, his eyes lingered on her much, much longer before he looked away with a painfully dashing crooked smile—full of mischievousness and charm.

----------------------------------------

As the cab door slammed shut behind her, she started to second guess herself. It was around six at night by the time the yellow taxi had pulled up to the block before the police station. At first, she thought she might want to try getting a hold of him before she came, in case he had already left or had plans, but her nerves got the best of her as usual. She had a loose plan in her mind of what she was going to do, what she was going to say. But plans rarely meant much to her actions when push came to shove.

She’d decided to go see Ben after practicing her routine at the studio. As she sat on stage, sweating and out of breath among her colleagues, the decision just sort of happened. Yes she wanted to see Ben today. The hat gave her a flimsy excuse, transparent as a window, but an excuse nonetheless.

She second guessed herself only about a thousand times as she got ready at her apartment, but ultimately stuck to her initial impulse. She had to leave a note for Laney, in case she came back looking for her at the apartment. “Went to see Ben. Be back later. Stop squealing, you idiot.”

Snow had started falling earlier this afternoon, and big, fluffy chunks were still swirling from the darkening sky. She looked up at the streetlight to see a bright beam of magical white flakes. She smiled at how pretty it was, at how elegantly each flake danced around each other. Deep down, she loathed the pretty white stuff surrounding her. It crippled every part of her commute, and she hated being wet and snowy. But for the moment, she appreciated its simplistic beauty and tried to refocus on what she thought she was going to say to Ben.

Just as she was about to take the stairs up to the station, an officer stepped out of the passenger side door of a squad car parked in front of the building. It took her a second and a few more steps to verify that it was in fact Ben, but squinting through the thick falling snow and darkness, she knew it was him. Just fucking do it.

“Anna? Hey!”

“Well hi.”

With a wide grin, he started walking towards her, eyes squinting against the fat wet flakes falling rapidly around them. He must have been out on a patrol, because he was decked out in full uniform—big dopey hat and all. Her heart did a little flip flop as she took in the officialness of his appearance. Uniforms always had this weird effect on her, and at least she was forewarned that he was armed. Why was she thinking about him using his gun? Good God, did intimacy and affection really freak her out this much? Get a grip, for god’s sake. Get. A. Grip.

“What are you doing here? In a snowstorm, at that! Everything okay?”

She gestured towards the NYPD hat she was wearing on her head. With a bashful smirk, she peeled it off of her head, letting all the wonderful trapped heat escape into the cold blowing air.

“Everything is fine, and you look very ... official. I’m sorry, it’s just so distracting that I need to say something about it in order to move on.” She made a show of gesturing to him from head to foot with her hand before continuing on with her rushed words that felt hot on the tip of her tongue. “And don’t think I made a special trip to come see you. Seriously. Obviously you need this hat to function. It’s not a big deal.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

He approached her, stopping just a few short inches away, the snow blanketing and coating them in thick white fluff. He cocked his head to one side and hooked his thumbs on the front of his utility belt. They were so close together—he had stopped just before the curb of the sidewalk. It gave her a few inches on him, which made her feel even more anxious and less in control over what she was planning on saying.

She extended his hat out towards him, and he took it with a smile.

“I thought you might keep it as collateral.”

“I considered it. But that hat you have on now is ridiculous.”

“Don’t hate on the official NYPD uniform, now. Here, is this better?”

In one fluid motion he swapped out the hat he was wearing for the baseball cap he had left on her coffee table as a maybe unintentional way to bring her back to him without needing any real reason. She bit her lip and nodded in approval. He took a small step forward and looked up at her with a smile on his face. All she could do was smile back. All her carefully planned words were escaping her. The thought out wording of every sentence to explain her apprehension about all of this had slipped away into the frozen air without a trace.

“What’s up, smiley?”

She looked down at her chunky black boots to avoid his gaze and tried to deal with the fact that he’d asked her point blank what she was thinking. With a sigh and a shake of her head to get the wet snow out of her hair, she looked back down into Ben’s eyes and found some of the words that had been milling about in her mind all day.

“This is all very new to me. This isn’t my thing, not in the slightest. I don’t date gentlemen or genuinely nice guys. I date guys who take money out of my wallet and who tell me I should dress sluttier. I come with a lot of stuff.” She nearly tripped on the last word, knowing the implications it presented. With a swallow and another quick breath, she trudged ahead and managed to finish her silly little monologue.

“You’re just too damn nice, and I really don’t want to hurt you or scare you away. You’re seriously putting a damper on my plan to be an ornery man-hater for the rest of my life. I have a cat already. I don’t even like cats."

“I think society will thank me for derailing that plan. And I think you’ll thank me, too.”

She cocked her head to one side and looked down at his still smiling face.

“Look. I’m just saying that you’ve been warned. This is uncharted territory for me. Zero experience. There will probably be a lot of awkward high-fiving and inappropriate butt touching.”

With a laugh, he looked down at his shoes and then back up at her. There was a softness in his eyes as he lifted up one of his hands in a high-fiving position.

“I, Ben Johnson, acknowledge the fact that I have been formally warned about random butt touching and awkward, unsolicited high fives.”

Instead of reaching up to plant a firm high five on his hand as her knee-jerk reaction, she carefully laid her hands on either side of his collar and lightly placed her lips onto his stubbled cheek. The smell of his breath was minty, and it mixed with the cold air to send an electric shiver down her spine.

Her heart responded in a series of painful thumps. A sudden rush of heat spread through her cheeks and seemed to shoot straight down into her chest. As she moved her head back to gauge his reaction, his eyes conveyed a bit of shock with excitement, and his hand was still in the air waiting for a high five.

“You still owe me a day of doing what I want to do.” She spoke in more of a whisper than before, laced with a bit of a rasp that gave away just how affected she was by her little kiss.

“The night is yours. I’m there.” His eager response had her biting the inside of her cheek to keep her stupid smile from being too big and too revealing of the happiness this moment was giving her.

“Now, based on my past, I think this is the part where you quickly grab my wallet and start running.”

Ben responded by stepping up onto the sidewalk, restoring the natural order of their heights. With his mid-high five hand, he reached up to spin his hat around so it was backwards. Her hands slid down from his collar to rest on the front of his kevlar vest. One hand over his badge, the other over his last name. He leaned in so that their lips brushed together when he spoke.

“This isn’t your past.”

Her heart hitched in her chest, the only sound in her ears their breathing and the swirling, heavy silence of the snow.

Lips brushing together, eyes nearly closed, she let out the words that pushed against her chest with every wild beat of her heart.

“I’m scared.”

“We all are.”

It was wet, snowy, frozen, and a little snotty, but it was their first kiss. It wasn’t booze laced, there was no throbbing music, there was no one yelling “just fuck her already”. It was minty and mostly teeth due to her incessant smiling. One of Ben’s hands reached behind her waist and pulled her into him further. His other ice-cold hand made its way to her burning hot cheek. She felt herself starting to give more until the whistles of other people caught her ear.

Ben pulled away, breathless, and looked at her for a moment before turning his head to the gaggle of cops that had just exited the station.

“Nice work, Johnson! Straight from work, right to pleasure.”

“Keep moving, fellas.” He turned back to look into her eyes as he yelled back to his cohorts.

She offered the officers a wave with one of her hands and couldn’t help but laugh. The officers waved back, some offering salutes, and strode off into the parking lot, some of them making more whistles as they departed. She turned her head back to Ben who was still smiling back at her.

“So, are you actually done working or … ?”

“I am, actually. Let me get changed and we can get out of here.”

“How about drinks? I think I need one after all of … this!” She made a motion with her hands in the limited space between them.

“You can pick the place since this is your neighborhood.”

“Done and done.”

He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, soft and lingering.

“Come on, let’s get inside. You’re freezing.”

They walked past more cops as they headed into the station, his arm around her shoulder.

“So Ben, who is this beautiful lady?”

“Boys, this is Anna.” He looked down at her as he spoke, a big stupid grin still spread across his face.

“Anna, nice to meet you. Welcome to the NYPD.”

“Well thanks, glad to be here.”

Ben led her into the station and back to his desk. An overwhelming wave of intimacy rolled over her, like she was meeting his family for the first time or looking through one of his childhood photo albums. He could’ve left her in the lobby, but instead he brought her to his desk. The feeling pulsing through her chest now was stronger than when they had kissed. It was disorienting.

“I’ll be back in a couple minutes, don’t go anywhere now.”

“Depends, are there other hot cops here?”

He made a sarcastic face at her and then disappeared down a hallway. She took inventory of his desk while he was away getting changed. There were only a few photos: a family picture including Ben’s parents and two siblings, a picture of Ben and his mother when she was sick in the hospital, and a picture of Ben with the New York Giants cheerleaders. His grin was the biggest with his mother.

All the other desks had stacks of paperwork on them, no doubt waiting to be tackled on Monday morning. She kept forgetting it was Sunday. There were a few desk lights on, but everyone must have been out working. The streets of New York had to be way more exciting than mountains of monotonous paperwork. Even she had to agree with that logic. She never understood the appeal of desk work. Or a regular nine-to-five. Sure, she did it a few days a week, but every week for the rest of her life? She just couldn’t fathom it.

In the silence of the room, she took a deep breath and exhaled through her mouth. Her hands reached up to either side of her face. She needed to make sure she was still intact. That she hadn’t just flown at supersonic speed into some alternate universe. Closing her eyes tightly for just a second, she opened them to find herself still in the middle of a police station, waiting for Ben. She laughed to herself and leaned against Ben’s desk for support. Was this the corner she had been waiting to turn throughout her entire love life? Is this what Laney kept telling her about? Or was Ben a paid actor? She couldn’t be sure.

He reappeared then, freshly showered judging by his slightly damp hair and being back in his street clothes. She was still leaning against his desk, her arms holding her up with her butt resting against the top. Ben walked over to her, put his hands down around either side of her waist, and kissed the top of her head. She couldn’t help but start to laugh as he pulled away.

“Am I funny to you?”

“One kiss and you are unstoppable.”

“You are a very beautiful woman. I have kiss fever now.”

With a playful punch in his chest, he feigned injury and then offered her his hand. Another gesture that was utterly alien to her. Cash tips for the night before were the only thing put in her hand by previous assholes. More heat radiated from her cheeks. That was going to need to stop. Quickly. They walked through the station hand in hand, and were just about to step through the door into the cold night when the sergeant at the front desk got Ben’s attention.

“Hey, Johnson. Some guy was looking for you earlier”

“Oh yeah? Who was he?”

“Didn’t say. He was here not too long ago. Just wanted to know where you were. Told him we don’t disclose that information. He seemed a little off.”

“Huh. Well let me know if he comes back again. It might be someone trying to get info on an arrest or case. I’ve handed out my card more than a few times this week.”

“Will do, Johnson—be careful out there. Miss.”

She nodded back to the sergeant before they stepped outside into the still heavily falling snow. Ben was eager to tuck her under his arm and guide her across the street. She turned her head in an attempt to look up at him—all she could see was the stubble on his cheek and one of his bright green eyes.

“So some guy just came around looking for you? Seems a little odd.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing about being a cop. You meet a lot of people while you’re out there trying to keep the peace. Not all are good, and not all are bad.”

“But you’re obviously so painfully handsome, I mean you can’t just smile and wink at people and then poof! They’re not angry anymore?”

“Trust me. Rookie Ben tried. Let’s just say I got sick of the ass kickings fast.”

“Poor rookie Ben.”

They reached a door that led into a rather fancy looking restaurant. Part of her had secretly been hoping for another hole-in-the wall cop bar. A place with classic rock playing on a shitty, barely functioning jukebox and the smell of stale cigarette smoke. A place where cops went to exchange war stories and grab a beer after shifts.

The wild runnings of her imagination were further derailed when Ben held the door open and a huge stream of warm air greeted her wind-burned cheeks. The smell of garlic and herbs were strong as they approached the hostess, causing her stomach to let out a loud, churning gurgle. Food. At least there was the promise of delicious food at this almost unbearably crowded and intimate restaurant.

“Table for two?”

Another phrase that would not have sent a normal person's heart slamming into their ribs. But hers took off again, racing away at the thought of a man taking her to dinner. A guy had once told her that the only woman he would take out to dinner was whatever bitch he would end up marrying. At the time, she was hoping she would end up being that bitch.

“That would be fantastic.”

She followed behind Ben, her hand loosely in his, as they weaved through the crowded bar area. Couples, friends and coworkers were chatting away and laughing, enjoying drinks that warmed their bellies on this snowy winter night. The hostess led them to a table by the fogged front windows. A little drafty, but nothing a glass of wine couldn’t fix. And hopefully it would help check her nerves, too.

As Ben thanked the hostess, he pulled out the high stool and waited for her to sit down. Another gesture she had never known before. It had to stop somewhere, his gentlemanliness. Dating had always been like stepping around on a floor covered in shattered glass. She just kept waiting for the intentional trip that most guys gave her, and the resulting fall that would lead to a bloodied, incredibly hurt version of herself. She took her seat with a smile, rubbing her hands together to try and get some warmth back into her fingers.

“You know, now that we’ve kissed, you don’t have to keep up the gentleman charade.”

“The gentleman part comes naturally. Package deal.”

“Well color me impressed.”

Ben offered her a quick wink and then raised his hand to grab the attention of one of the many flustered waitresses.

“I’ll take the beer on special, and … ?”

“Glass of red wine. Oh and breadsticks please. The cheese-filled kind if you have them.” The waitress gave a polite nod and headed off to fetch our drinks. Ben leaned forward onto the table slightly, arms crossed in front of himself with a grin spread across his cold flushed cheeks.

“I’m glad I kissed you when I did.”

“Oh come on, a little garlic never hurt anyone.”

“Just my libido.”

They shared a smile and she rested her cheek on one of her palms, her elbow on the table. Ben remained leaning on his folded arms, eyeing her with a bright and steady gaze. Too many questions were bouncing around in her mind. Part of her was deeply interested in learning more about Ben. Another part wanted to test this seemingly too put together man. Then there was the urge to stand up and ask where exactly the pranksters with the hidden cameras were.

“So how many girlfriends have you had?”

He raised one of his eyebrows but didn’t hesitate with his answer.

“Girlfriends? None since I’ve been a cop. Young Ben was a lot better at holding a steady relationship than present Ben. A lot of women find out you’re a cop and that turns them into weird she-beasts.”

“None? Seriously? Your balls must have turned blue and fallen off a long time ago.”

With a laugh and a shake of his head he took a swig off of the beer that had just been brought to the table by the waitress. Anna gave her wine a quick sniff before taking a sip. Bitter to surprisingly sweet. Wonderfully appropriate.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t meeting women. Just nothing serious. The occasional one night stand here and there, some lasting longer than just a night.”

“Wow. I did not have you pegged as the type.” She took another sip of wine, weighing this freshly revealed information. Focusing on the remaining wine in her glass, she felt a surge of apprehension swell in her gut. He was being honest. If he really wanted to fool her into bed with him, he wouldn’t come forward as a sleaze-bag. Right? Unless he was just that confident. The thought of that was beyond appalling.

“I’ve seen a lot of stuff as a cop. A lot of things that I thought I would be able to handle back when I was still in the academy. I was wrong. Once you see your first domestic violence dispute, your first sexual assault scene, your first child abuse case, your first homicide, you start to question your ability to protect people. At least that was the case for me. Relationships seemed pointless. I could barely handle seeing people who were victims. The emotional stuff really got to me. Here I am seven years in and I’m just starting to try and really believe in myself again. My off-duty self.”

Sharp guilt panged at her as he spoke. She always assumed the worst. For all the judgment she passed on others, she never once put herself in anyone else’s shoes. She was always too busy defending her own beat up, worn out, falling apart shoes. Of course Ben had experienced a lot of heinous crimes. She managed to swallow back her assumptions and hesitantly reached across the table to lightly place her still-cold hand on top of Ben’s.

He looked up from his beer and gave her a small smile. She traced small, delicate circles on the back of his hand with her thumb. A knee-jerk reaction. It was a way she had comforted Laney thousands of times. This was the first time she had ever used it to comfort a man. The honesty in Ben made her want to reach out, to try and tap into her own version of her off-duty self. She couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye. Instead she kept her gaze on their hands, a slight shake in her body, still trying to comprehend that it was actually her hand caressing his.

“I’m sorry my hand is still cold.”

“I don’t mind.”

Her voice got small as she let the next words spill out of her lips. She wanted to match his honesty, or at least try. So she said what she was thinking. Something no man, outside of damn stubborn Greg, had ever wanted.

“I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, Ben.”

As her eyes finally shifted back to his face, his gaze moved back down to their hands as he spun his beer bottle around in the other.

“It’s not something I like to share. I always thought I would be the tough guy. The guy who has seen it all and still takes on everything. A girlfriend. A family. My own mother’s illness. I’ve been wrong about a lot. I spent most of my time as a rookie bouncing around between psych at the station and binges at bars. There were times when I hated myself for being weak, for not being who I thought I should be.”

She stared back at him, his eyes still downcast at his beer. She struggled to find the words she knew he needed to hear. They were in her somewhere, buried beneath years of selfishness and self righteous judgements. Underneath all those men who never let her in, and always left her stranded in more ways than one.

“I’ve only known you for three days, Ben. That’s not a long time. But somehow, I already know you are the most honest, understanding and sincere person I’ve ever met. I’m serious. You have already done and sacrificed a lot for this city. Whatever you decide to do, you’ll still be a great man.”

She gave his hand a small squeeze as she finished speaking. He finally moved his gaze from the table and looked her into her eyes with a smile.

“Thank you. These past few days have really been amazing.”

“Before you came along, I was well on my way to becoming a spinster. People have never been my strong suit. Let alone a male. Let alone a cop. Let alone someone who doesn’t have a nasty club drug habit or a weird thing for hands.”

“I swear you should be the poster child for dating gone wrong.”

“It’s definitely not something I’m proud of, but I have an endless vault of dating atrocities.”

The waitress brought the bread over to their table, and suddenly Anna was reminded of the vast emptiness in her stomach. Cheesy, garlicky goodness smothered her senses as she eagerly grabbed one of the hot pieces of bread. As she happily munched on the delectable carb- and dairy-loaded delights, Ben reached around behind his back and brought out his wallet. She raised an eyebrow as she watched him pull out a business card.

Wiping off her hands on a dark green linen napkin, Ben wrote something on the back of the card and slid it across the table. She picked it up and saw that it was Ben’s business card from the station. It gave his work phone, email, and fax number. She flipped it over to find his home address and his cell phone number.

“You must be pretty serious if you’ve officially given yourself nowhere to hide. I mean now I can fax you.”

“If I start getting prank calls or singing leprechauns, at least I’ll know who’s behind it.”

“Damn! You sussed me out before I even had a chance to begin.”

She continued eating as she contemplated the business card which she now held in her hand. Most phone numbers guys had given her over the years were either disconnected or made up. Being around men who were accountable or reachable had taught her to believe little and question most everything. The card was real. She wasn’t sure what it meant to him. She knew that for herself, it was an unfamiliar gesture of deliberate seriousness.

Wiping her hands off on the linen napkin again, she placed it on her lap and folded her hands together in front of herself on the table. The card was still laid out on the table next to her hands. Ben took another swig of his beer and then leaned forward on his forearms. He was smiling. She felt like he was spending a lot of his time smiling at her. It would take time to convince herself fully that his were not masking poisonous intentions.

“I still don’t know about this, Ben.” She sighed, her eyes flitting back down to the tabletop briefly before looking back at his handsome face. “This weekend has been unreal. Just bizarre. Nothing about it seems remotely possible. I mean it’s all been amazing, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. But it's all been contained to this weekend, you know? Tomorrow is Monday, and then we are back to being boring, everyday ourselves. I have this strange feeling that this is just a flash in a pan.”

He took a moment to look down at his hands before he looked back up at her and spoke softly, with intent.

“I haven’t had a weekend like this before either, Anna. This is all new to me, too. There isn’t much I can do but tell you that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I want to know where this goes. I feel good about it. I don’t want this weekend to be a blaze of glory that just fades away. I want to try and see where it can go. To be with you, to get to know you. I want to prove myself to you. What do you think?”

As he spoke, he had become increasingly more animated. His eyes moved around from her, to the table, to looking out the window at the snow-blown streets basked in the yellow glow of the street lights. She could tell that his nervousness grew with every word he spoke. Now he wrung his hands together in front of him, looking at her and anxiously awaiting a response.

“I think this is insane. Absolutely insane. I think I’m either dreaming or in a coma. I don’t get happy. I don’t get functional. I don’t get normal, let alone you. I don’t know this Anna, whoever she is. But, as impossible as this all seems, I do want to try. I wanna see where this goes too. Let’s try.”

With a huge grin he lifted his hand up into a high five position. He even went as far as to point with his raised hand with his free one. She gave it a satisfying smack, and he raised his glass in celebration.

“To where we are now, and to where we are going.”

She shook her head slightly, and with a breathy chuckle, they clinked glasses to salute the unknown. As they both drank, there was a commotion unfolding at the front of the restaurant. They both turned towards the yelling. The hostess was threatening to call the cops if someone didn’t leave.

“Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

Ben placed his hand on her shoulder as he walked past their table and approached the hostess. Before Ben reached her, someone abruptly exited the restaurant, slamming the glass door open into the wall, and was now walking down the sidewalk. Whoever it was paused right in front of where she sat. They had a jacket on, a hood covering their head and a scarf masking their face. Their hand reached out and rested on the glass. It was only for a few brief seconds before they continued walking, their hand sliding across the entire length of the window. Their fingertips left a smeared path on the fogged glass.

A lump formed in her throat at the bizarre sight, an uncomfortable shiver gathering at the back of her neck. She was still staring out the window when Ben came back to the table. Blinking with a slight shake of her head, she turned back to him. His brow was furrowed as he took another sip of his beer.

“What was that all about?”

“Apparently some guy came in and demanded to know where the ‘happy couple’ was. The hostess said he looked homeless. No doubt he was probably high or drunk and just having some kind of episode. He left before I could get eyes on him. I told her to call the cops if he shows up anywhere near here again.”

There was a moment after he finished talking when she considered telling him about how the man had stopped outside, how he had put his hand on the glass. But it didn’t come to her lips. Instead, she pushed it back down with her other keep to yourself moments. She wasn’t cripplingly paranoid like her last stepmother. That is not how she would start something new, not by dredging up parts of a person she had been in the past.

“Maybe next time we’ll have to get farther away from the precinct.”

He rested his chin on his hand with a sigh and gave her a crooked smirk. Anxiety was still rattling through her bones from the strange behavior of the man who had disrupted the restaurant. The fog on the window still bore the marks of his fingers. She forced her focus to Ben’s face, his warm smile, his stubble-covered cheeks. her own smile quickly returned to her face as they exchanged looks. She took a long sip of wine and settled into her seat.

“So let’s hear more about younger Ben. I mean, I need to know how present Ben came to be.”

Ben’s huge, toothy smile returned to his face as he hunkered down to start a story. The dinner rush ebbed and flowed around them, swaths of people leaving and entering the restaurant. In the midst of it all, there they were. Two people starting to build a relationship—something that was raw and imperfect. Nothing about them felt even or balanced out. Each of them grew out of completely different experiences.

But they did share common ground. They both saw something in each other. Where one of them lacked, the other thrived. It kept their conversation going that night. It kept them asking questions and sharing laughter. It made them stop for a moment to offer understanding or apologies. They were just drawing the outline, creating the border. There was so much to cover before they started to fill in all the blanks, to color in the middle. It kept them coming back for more, it carried them into spring.