Seven days had a way of repeating themselves in an unforgiving, brutal manner. Although the past fourteen days had been punctuated with things she hadn’t even come close to even attempting in the past six months.

Last week she had found herself showering, cleaning, and taking care of herself physically, at least. This week, she was doing more of the same. Trying to get her life together by keeping clean, taking care of herself and a new endeavor that scared the shit out of her more than anything: reaching out to someone she hadn't spoken to in months.

Someone who had so desperately tried and failed to help her through all the dark, horrible things that she couldn’t have helped Anna outrun no matter how hard she had tried. The person who had helped bring Ben into her life, the person who tried to keep him in her life, the person who blamed herself for him leaving her life.

Laney.

Her best friend. Her biggest supporter, her only confidant before Ben. The person who understood her past, knew who she was and where she had been, and where she had been trying to go. Someone who she had shared laughter, tears, fears and dreams with. Someone who she had cut off from her life in one cold, unforgiving second.

Memories of the phone call flitted through her mind. All the yelling, the crying. The venomous words that had no doubt cut her friend so deep, that she may never forgive her for saying them. They hadn’t spoken since that conversation. Laney hadn’t texted, hadn't called—just like Anna had told her to.

And now, her phone in hand, thumb hovering over the call button, Anna was about to do what she had thought about dozens and dozens of times over the past months. Call Laney. Reach out. Try. Try and do something. Stop being such a piece of shit and just be a fucking decent human being.

With a quick and deep inhale of breath through her lips, she pushed the button. She held the phone in her hand in front of her as it began to ring. 2:07pm. It had taken her an hour of sitting on the floor in her bathroom to finally push the goddamn call button. And with each ring that filled the silence of her empty apartment, her heart raced.

Of course she wouldn’t answer. Why the fuck would she want to talk to Anna? After all the hurtful things she’d said and done … She had every right to never let Anna back into her life again. Why let someone back in who was volatile, so at the surface and always ready to—

“Hello? Anna? Is everything okay? Anna?”

She nearly started hyperventilating as she heard Laney’s familiar voice come across the speaker. The phone was shaking in her hand, and she nearly gave into the urge to drop onto the floor like a scalding hot piece of metal. But she didn’t.

She had to press the phone into her ear hard to get the shaking to subside even a little.

“Laney? Hi. It’s Anna. Everything, everything is … ”

“Oh Anna, hi. It’s so good to hear from you. I haven’t heard from you in ages, and when I saw you calling just now, well, I just thought the worst and, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

She wasn’t okay, but that wasn’t the point of her call. It wasn’t to unload more of her shit, to cripple poor Laney further with Anna’s piles and piles of never ending grief, frustration and sadness.

“No, no, everything's fine. I’m okay. I’m, I’m sorry I haven’t called since, since—”

“It’s fine, Anna. Seriously, it's fine. I understand, I really do. As much as I can understand. It’s okay. I’m just glad you called. Really, really glad.”

And so the conversation went on, mostly pleasantries about Laney’s new life with Greg. How they were finally getting settled into their new place. Getting new-old furniture, painting, making plans and living life. It was enough to make Anna want to hang up the phone, lay on the floor and cry herself to sleep.

But she listened. She listened, and asked questions and tried to laugh when she could. She tried her best to be that person she’d been all those months ago, before everything changed.

But Laney wasn’t stupid. There was no doubt she saw through Anna’s flimsy as fuck facade. Maybe it was why she finally stopped talking about herself, and turned the conversation to the one place Anna was hoping it maybe wouldn’t go.

“So how are you, Anna? How have you been? Really?”

With a sigh, she quickly tried to pull something together that was half truth. Something that wouldn’t make her start sobbing on the phone.

“I’ve been … I’ve been okay. Really. I tried to go to therapy. That didn’t go well. Haven’t gone back since. Well, I’ve been back to the building, but not to go to therapy.”

“Oh? Then why have you been back?”

Ah, shit. She really should’ve practiced talking in the mirror before attempting to talk to her best friend without letting some dumb piece of information slip that she would inevitably have to explain.

“Uh, well, I uh, actually met a guy there. Not in that way. He just, he happened to be around after I left my appointment and I was … I was having a hard time. He just helped me through it, and I’ve been back once to return something to him. That’s all. Just a nice person.”

She could almost see Laney, nodding her head along slowly with a critical look and squinted eyes as she had countless times before when Anna had tried to explain something very impactful in her life with her usual nonchalant bullshit.

“He sounds like a really nice guy. I’m glad he was able to help you, I know how hard everything has been on you. The thought of you—”

“Is that Anna on the phone?”

Oh, Greg. How she really, really hadn’t missed him. Not at all.

She heard shuffles of static as Laney tried to muffle the parrot in the background and responded to him.

“Yes, Greg, it is. Can you just give me a second please?”

“Tell her I say hi, that I worry about her. Ben is always asking about her—”

“GREG. E-NOUGH. I’ll. Talk. To. You. When. I’m. Done.”

But it was too late. Just hearing his name, hearing half a sentence about him, it was enough. She had to pinch herself and bite the inside of her cheek hard to keep the tears and thoughts and memories from spilling into her mind. So pinched and bit so hard, she was sure she drew blood in both places.

“God, I’m sorry Anna. You know Greg. He can’t seem to keep his two cents to himself or his mouth shut when someone ELSE is on the phone. Anyways, I’m so glad you met someone who is able to help you in some way. That’s why you’ve been back, right?”

With a painful swallow and a few quick blinks, she composed herself in a matter of seconds and was able to respond without creating a telling pause.

“Uhm, yeah. Something like that. I had to return something of his, and then we just grabbed a bite to eat. Nothing crazy. Just, you know, trying to do some normal people stuff. It's something, I guess.”

“Of course it’s something. It’s great! You know, if you’re interested in trying something else that falls into the category of normal person stuff, we’re throwing our first party at our new place. Just to celebrate and kind of have a last hurrah before winter is officially miserable. I know it’s a lot to ask, but it’s next weekend so you have plenty of time to think about it.”

“Oh god, Laney, I don’t know—”

“I know, I know. Just, just think about it, okay? Just consider it. I’ll completely understand if you don’t come. I will. Maybe you can invite the guy who’s been helping you out? Just a thought.”

“Yeah, a thought. I will think about it, Laney, I will. Just don’t get your hopes up, okay?”

“I won’t, I won’t. I promise. I’m so sorry Anna but we’ve got an appointment we need to get to and I’ve gotta go. Thank you for calling, Anna. It’s … It’s so good to hear from you. You have no idea. Please don’t be a stranger. Please.”

“I’ll do my best, Laney. Promise. I’ll talk to you soon.”

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“Okay, Anna. We love you.”

“Bye.”

The silence of her apartment burned into her ears after having Laney’s bright, chipper voice fill her head for the first time in months.

Hearing the word “love” leave her best friend's mouth nearly broke her heart in two. Laney had a hard time telling people she loved them, and before Anna had gone through hell, she had never heard it leave her friends lips. Anna had heard it more than a few times since, and it wasn’t lost on her just how powerful of a gesture it was every single time.

She loved Laney, and had no problem saying it before her life had unraveled. But the last person she had told those words to was out on the streets of the city, dressed in uniform, clutching onto a piece of her heart that she wished she could just have back.

It was still too soon to utter those words to anyone. Even Laney. It went without saying that Anna loved her best friend. Maybe Laney knew that now, maybe she didn’t. Maybe she really needed to hear those words from Anna. But she wasn’t ready, not yet, and maybe not ever.

She leaned her head back against the cool, tiled wall of her ridiculously tiny bathroom and considered Laney’s offer.

A party. With people. And expectations. And Greg.

Her stomach churned and her hand went up to her forehead to rub her temples.

The thought of inviting Sam only added to her anxiety and nausea.

Then she remembered the day. Thursday. She quickly looked at the time on her phone. 2:55pm. Just enough time to make it across the city to the therapy building. Or whatever it was.

She really did not want to sit in the silence of her apartment the rest of the day, left alone with her thoughts about the party and Greg’s mention of Ben. It looked like a nice enough day outside. The sun was shining, the temperature cool but not freezing like it would be in just a few weeks when snow and slush became the everyday norm.

It’d be nice to get out, to get on the train. Plus, she’d washed and ironed Sam’s handkerchief earlier in the week—ready yet again to be given back to him, hopefully for good this time.

She’d grown weirdly attached to the soft piece of plain fabric. She’d had to force herself to clean and fold it up neatly again. The urge to keep it by her bed and hold it when her mind started to unravel was strong for some strange reason. But she’d listen to the rational part of her brain, and decided it’d be best to clean it and tuck it away into her jacket pocket for some potential and improbable future outing.

And it seemed as though today would be the day where she would in fact go out again. She stood up, body stiff and sore from sitting on the floor, and walked to the door to grab her coat and slip on her boots.

She’d leave the conversation with Laney and her empty apartment behind, if only for a little while, and go see if someone who had put up with her emotional bullshit would maybe want to put up with some more. And maybe even convince herself, and him, to go to a party with her next weekend and continue to deal with her emotional bullshit.

----------------------------------------

It felt odd to be reliving the same order of small events once every week. She couldn’t remember the last time anything in her life had been that consistent. Sure this excursion in particular wasn’t exactly planned out—but that had been an achievement in and of itself. She didn’t have to spend hours just trying to convince herself to leave her apartment. She just did it.

And compared to her last outing, she felt much, much calmer. Her usual anxiety and general nervousness still swirled around inside her, churning up any and all feelings of general awfulness at the slightest reminder of something from her past. But sitting on the bench and waiting for Sam to come out felt … okay.

Not great, not horrible, but okay. She leaned her forearms against her knees, hands held between them as one foot moved up and down—the only visible sign of her anxiety. She maybe didn't look as presentable as she had last week, but most of her clothes were relatively clean, along with hair and a face that were freshly washed again.

The door to the office opened, and she watched anxiously as the usual batch of people streamed out. Sam was one of the last ones through the door, and he was clad in a distractingly well-put together outfit. Crisp navy dress pants, a stark white collared shirt tucked under layers of a three-piece suit perfectly accented with just the right shoes. Whether he was coming from somewhere that required him to be that dressed up or he had yet to go, she didn’t know. She watched intently as the first thing he did was move his eyes around the hallway, and then towards the bench—as if he was looking for someone.

“Anna. What a lovely surprise.”

A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she stood up and tucked her hands into her pockets, conveniently taking out the handkerchief and holding it out into the air between them—just like last week.

“I’m really not very good at getting this thing back to you.”

His own smile widened as he reached out and took it in his hands, feeling it between his fingers before looking back up at her.

“I’m just glad it’s serving its purpose so well. I think it’d be bored now hanging around in my suit coat all day anyways.”

She chuckled as she watched him tuck it into the same inner pocket of his suit coat before sticking his hands into the pockets of his perfectly ironed and creased dress pants. Blinking a few times to break her mind’s enamor with his striking, distracting appearance, she cleared her throat and found it in herself to speak.

“Are you headed off somewhere, or … ?”

“I had court earlier, which required me to look particularly put together and presentable today.” He looked down at himself, arching his brows in what she could’ve sworn was a bit of self annoyance, before bringing his eyes back to her. Everything in his countenance softened, a smile appearing at his lips. “Seeing you after a hell of a long day is a very nice surprise.”

She nodded along absentmindedly, the thoughts in her mind still distracted by her conversation with Laney, and the main reason why she’d come to see him.

In her periphery, she saw Sam trying to stoop to her height to get a better view of her face as she looked nervously down at the floor, trying to figure out how to ask what she wanted to ask.

“Everything alright? Something on your mind?”

With a heaving sigh, she fiddled with her hands deep in her jacket pockets and picked a spot on the floor to look at, since facing Sam directly seemed to be more decency than she could currently muster.

“Earlier today, I talked to a friend, a really good friend, who I haven’t talked to in what feels like forever. It was good. Weird, but good. She asked me if I’d want to go to a party at her new place next weekend. Well, not super new, they moved in like a year ago, but they’ve finally got it put together and nice, and they want to have a get together before winter comes and everything gets all miserable and nasty.”

He nodded along as she spoke, and as she paused before the meat of what she really was getting after, he took his chance to interject.

“That’s really great, Anna. I’m sure she was glad to hear from you, too. Catching up with friends is always a good thing, and it sounds like she’s excited to see you.”

With what little social energy she had left to muster for the day, she finally moved her gaze to his and let the question out in a rush to fill the air between them.

“Would you want to go with me? I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I really don’t think I could do it alone, and you’ve been so great, and easy to be around, and—”

“I would love to.”

It took her a few seconds to register that he’d actually said yes. After blinking up at him for a few moments too many, she managed to find her voice again.

“Really? You’ll go?”

“Really. I’m pretty much living to work these days, so this is the perfect opportunity to get out and do something fun for once. I’m truly tickled that you consider me to be party-worthy material. And I can assure you I do own clothes more casual than this, I promise.”

Tension melted away from her shoulders and back as she found herself chuckling again.

“Honestly showing up in a full three piece suit looking ready to prosecute anyone at any given moment might help my cause. Maybe it will take the shock out of my sudden appearance at a social gathering if you loudly make bad lawyer jokes and tell dramatic courtroom stories.”

“I beg your pardon, but I’ve agreed to be your plus one, not your personal court jester.”

She laughed at the thought of him showing up as half clown, half lawyer. It really would help take the focus off of her and her reemergence back into the world.

“It means a lot to me that you’re going. I really appreciate it. I promise they’re good people, and it will be no more awkward than making small talk at any other social gathering.”

“Don’t worry—I’ve been told I can really lead the line of conversation without objection and win over any social situation with my peers.”

Her exaggerated eye roll at his god awful jokes had him laughing as he looked down to check the watch on his wrist, his dimples on full display.

He cocked his head as a curious expression came across his face, narrowing his eyes as he glanced at her.

“Have you ever been to a cabaret?”

She must have looked truly bewildered, because he quickly launched into an explanation before she could ask him if he was feeling alright.

“There’s a bar I like going to that has a cabaret feel, but is more of a piano and jazz club than anything. Really relaxed and mellow, nothing rowdy. It’s one of the places I like to go after long days. I was just thinking it’d be a good night for it, and in the spirit of asking for company, you’re more than welcome to come if you’re interested.”

Calling Laney, heading out of her apartment without a three hour pep talk, asking a new acquaintance to come to a party with her … Hell, why not just casually add going to the cabaret to that list?

She made a show of contemplating by moving her head from side to side and appearing to be deep in thought.

“I’m not really dressed for an evening out, if it’s a fancier place. ”

“Oh don’t worry, it’s casual. If they accept me in my obnoxiously overdone lawyer attire, they’ll accept you dressed like a completely normal patron.”

Well, what else was she going to do? Head back to her empty apartment and turn on the TV so she could ignore it for hours on end and get lost in her own head?

So she opted to shrug and gave him an easy grin that she hadn’t felt on her face in ages.

“Lead the way to the cabaret, Sam.”

And with that, he returned her smile and started making his way towards the stairs. She followed behind him, feeling a lightness that had escaped her for far too long. It seemed as though she was getting the smallest bit of clarity from the fog she’d been drifting in week, after week, after week.

Unpredictable breakdowns, calls to estranged best friends, breakfast with an expat lawyer, a trip to the cabaret … What a strange few weeks it had been. But something like comfort washed over her as they stepped out into the chilly air of the New York evening and headed towards the train station—like the comfort she felt from a meticulously folded handkerchief that was just a pocket away if she needed it.