Not a lot really happened from counseling up until today. I guess we should put some closure on some things that need some closure, though. Let's talk about Chloe, first. We talked it out, she and I. Well, sorta. I was reluctant to do it because I figured there was nothing to honestly explain: I screenshot something that she DMed me while she wasn't thinking straight, I shared it, I was a dick. I apologized, we moved on, she told me that Madison just wants an apology from me that's sincere—I've been trying to do it but haven't met up to her expectations—, done deal.

  Madison and I talked, too. I tried to apologize, but it came out more desperate than sincere and she thought it was bullshit. She said I ruined her life; no comment. She later apologized for getting over-the-top. It seemed more like a joke to produce some mirror image of me; I accepted it regardless, we sorta moved on.

  As of late, I've been trying to force our friendship back together by throwing jokes at her and forcing myself to listen to Billie Eilish, but ultimately nothing got too far. I kinda retreated to making myself look retarded so she—and Delilah, in some cases—could laugh at something, but it wasn't something to make her forget what I did to her. I saw her talking to Naomi while I was talking to Bea. I'm unsure what they were talking about, but they were either trying to make me jealous, paranoid, or planning my murder. Because if you want to chop someone's dick off, you might as well rip the other organs out.

  Speaking of Bea, we still talk. She's almost like Kells but doesn't debate with me 24/7. Kells and I don't talk anymore, though. I've been thinking of starting up some podcast where we'd talk about random shit that ends up with me making him cry, rage, or both, but no offer has been made yet. Besides, he's been "busy" with all his new clubs. Busy enough to stop talking to people entirely. He's a lonely Irish boi, now.

  I had a falling out with Amanda. Well, it was more like... Actually, just witness the flashback; you'll get the idea.

◄◄◄

  It was after school, the same day I cleared things up with Chloe and Madison. I was on my PC, writing an eventually-scrapped idea of a novel. Amanda was on my bed reading some book I didn't care to see.

  "Geez, why do you have all these books about a teenage girl's problems?" she asked.

  "Name one book that deals with a guy going through teenage problems," I replied sourly.

  "Be More Chill, Dear—"

  "Okay, nevermind. Just... I'm busy."

  "Writing a piece of shit you'll later scrap?"

  At this point, I've had it. I slammed my fist on the table. "Okay, be straight with me: Why are you being so moody all of the sudden?"

  "What?" she asked, dumbfounded. She really didn't know, did she?

  "I mean, you used to be really cool. When we were little, you know? And earlier this month, you were cool, too! But now... you're so moody."

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  "'Moody,' huh?" She tried the word on for size. "I think the word is more like... Analytical."

  What the fuck does she mean?

  "I mean, you're just refusing to believe in the truth."

  "I'm the only one trying to tell everyone the real story here, Amanda; this isn't something I'm manipulating on my own."

  "Face it, asshole," she said, now making eye contact with me, "you lost. Madison is manipulating the story now. Everyone wants to be her friend now because she's the innocent victim."

  "Because she is," I admitted.

  "She's painting you like a criminal, for Christ's sake!"

  "So?"

  "'So?' The only reason she's any more popular than before if because you ruined her life."

  "I didn't 'ruin' anyone's life."

  "But that video is the best thing that ever happened to her. Otherwise, people wouldn't approach her and she'd be back to where she started: alone frightened, and being in the way of you getting closer to Delilah."

  I laughed. Not a lot, but enough to surprise both of us. "Why does this go back to Delilah? She probably found someone at this point, anyway. Good for her; I needed to move on, anyway."

  "You hurt her, too, Enzo. She needed someone to lean on so she could feel safe since she was under the impression that you're a sociopath."

  Amanda wasn't making any sense. "What do you mean?"

  "I'm saying that if she did find someone, it's on your hands," Amanda explained as if first-grade shit everyone knew.

  "So, you're saying that my video prompted people to feel lonely and scared and the only reason they found someone or other people is because of their fear and loneliness of my video?"

  "By fucking George, I think he's got it!" Amanda exaggerated three loud claps.

  "You do realize that's really stupid, right?"

  "Is it, though? Or are you refusing to get your reality check?"

  "But it's not reality—"

  "Chloe's a bitch, Madison's a bitch—!"

  "No one is the 'bitch' other than you."

  No response from the Amanda. That's new.

  "Still, I don't know why you're acting up—"

  "For the love of god, Enzo, I'm not fucking real!"

  The world seemed to stop spinning. Time just seemed to stop. I looked away at my creation. An imaginary friend from age five to a monster at age 14.

  "Look, you can't just turn around, admit your faults, and expect everything to revert to normal. People are complicated and they always will be."

  "Why am I still listening to you," I mumbled.

  "Wh—"

  "I know that people are hurting, Amanda. I know I'm not the victim. I know that I don't deserve to live anymore, and I know damn well that I used lies and emotional manipulation as a last resort to get back everything I lost!"

  "You can get rid of all of this; the knife is—"

  "I'm not a coward."

  "I wasn't going to say—"

  "I'm not going to open a vein and regret it later; do you know what people will think of me?"

  Again, no response.

  "I'm done using pity to get what I want from others. I'm gonna settle this my way, now; I don't need you anymore. You're nothing but a waste of space. Goodbye."

  Then she was gone. Just... poof. Everything resumed as if nothing had happened. As if Amanda was nothing at all.

►►►

  So, yeah, I got rid of Amanda. It was the best thing for me to do, obviously. She was holding me back from settling this the best way I could: a story.

  There are a lot of things that are left unanswered: Will Delilah and Madison forgive me? Will Amanda come back? Why are all Cancers different? Why do I overthink everything? Why did Bea stick with me throughout this entire mess?

  Even if I don't have the answers, I still have a story. An ex-sociopath's story.