"Yes. Sorry. I was. Ehem! Nice to meet you."

The creature before me was reminiscent of a goat. Its bottom half was distinctly that of a very hairy human, while the top half appeared soft and fuzzy like a goat or sheep. It would be a very huggable creature if you ignored it wasn't wearing pants.

The reverse saytr might have been cute if not for the eye stalks.

He... she... it? The alien's eyestalks tilted 45 degrees. As if a cute kid looking at something it didn't quite understand. The whole experience was unsettling, but I didn't let it show. Better to be polite to my first Sponsor.

"Hm... Strange ones. I get. Sponsor is me. What weapon would you like?"

[Sponsor C210141 would like to give you an item.]

To explain a little, this was the lowest-level Sponsor: Aliens who were more like employees buying an office raffle ticket. They worked in the Cube as maintenance, shuttlers, janitors, and menial laborers. They won't get to interact with contestants after this point, so they are using this chance to become sponsors.

What I could get from such a lowly grunt wasn't worth mentioning. It would all be trash.

Still, it was useful trash.

"Sure. Could you give me a shield?"

My voice was nasally from the black powder stuck in my sinuses. I tried not to cough in my Sponsor's face.

"Shield? Yes. Yes. This one can. Anything else?"

"Really? Can I ask for something else?"

"Sure. No? Maybe. Small thing. Yes. Ask for small thing."

"How about a match?"

The eye stalks drooped drastically, as if glaring suspiciously.

"No."

"How about after?"

"If you survive. Don't see harm in later."

It baah-ed.

[Item Received: Shield?]

I was provided with a dented metal buckler absent of any leather strap. The only way to grip it was from a knob, like a shield was poorly masquerading as bronze knuckles. Even the system didn't know what to call it.

At least I can use it to hold my breakfast cereal.

Turning around, I saw muscle-head trying to sweet talk his Sponsor. It was a beautiful woman with floating rainbow-colored hair that would have made every hair-stylist in existence bite their knuckles in envy. The strange part, you ask? No. Nothing strange.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

She was a Cecaelia.

Meaning: tentacles instead of legs.

"Hey, baby. Want to wrestle my giant one-eyed eel?"

She didn't even bat an eyelid. My respect for her went up dramatically.

"Was there nothing you wanted, contestant?"

"How about you. Me. And a soft bed."

"Contestant."

"I'm kind of into the whole tentacle thing. They'd come in handy if you catch my drift. Not to mention the uses when I gain more members for my harem."

"..."

"Say. Join me. I'm serious. After I'm finished here, what's say you and me find someplace quiet without all the screaming. Wait-scratch that! You'll be calling my name all night."

I didn't bother listening to the bastard anymore. Instead, I snuck over relatively easily. The Cecaelia didn't help or hinder me; simply taking the harassment like customer service employee of the month.

Giving her a silent thank you with my eyes, I discreetly took the slippery ball out of my pocket, placed it on the tip of my finger, crouched down behind the white trash, and speared him.

"Thousand years of pain!"

"!!!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

It went in too easily.

Even biker-dude seemed to realize this and was looking for an out. Then embarrassment was replaced by red-hot fury.

I brought up my buckler to block his punch, but the force knocked the buckler into my forehead and sent me stumbling back.

"You bastard! I'll kill you!"

I felt myself being lifted into the air with an iron grip tightening around my throat. The jab thrown into my nose hurt. I've never been in a brawl before, yet I could tell that this guy knew how to throw a punch. Just a two hits and I was already fading out of consciousness.

That wasn't good. I needed to get away.

Kicking my stubby legs, I tried to push off him and jump away.

I was a toddler throwing a tantrum.

"Hah! Is that all, scrub? My auntie kicks harder than you."

"I bet she fucks harder too."

"You got a big mouth, don't you?"

Even though my brain and body screamed to stay quiet, my mouth was on automatic. I couldn't help it.

"That's what I said to your mom."

My head jerked back violently, lolling to the side.

"I'm going to kill you."

The windup gut-punch sent the little sustenance I harbored sprawling out. It covered the bully's arm and splattered against his tank top. Disgusted, he quickly threw me away.

I bounced off the ground, displacing the black powder. Curling up due to the pain and coughing, I resolutely dragged myself to the edge of the cage.

"God damn motherfucker! This was brand new. Where am I going to get a new one now that the world ended, huh? Hey, sponsor lady. Give me a weapon. I'm killing him now."

I couldn't see the interaction, but I could clearly imagine the Sponsor bemused at the show she witnessed. Luckily, she gave him a sword and not a glock. I could hear it scraping along the floor.

Just don't cause a spark and blow us up, idjit. That's right.. only a few more seconds...

Unfortunately. I didn't have that long before he gutted me

Fortunately, a premature detonation was in order.

To explain, the slippery ball was a gag I placed in the story. The main character discovered it, joked with his friends about it, and then tossed it away. Each portal had one, but it never once got used. After all, who's crazy enough to use it?

[Item: Slippery Ball]

[Description: A fun and expressive explosive that is only activated when inserted into the rear of a living being. After five seconds, it arms. After ten seconds, it goes boom-boom.]

*plop*

It fell out.

Consequently, since the only other thing that ever comes out of that hole was shit, inevitably, when something else falls out, your body instinctively thinks it's shitting and forces out more shit.

The blurry sight of the muscle-shirt bully clutching his ass as shit sprayed out only to realize the object that caused this disaster was laying at his feet, ticking, was priceless.

Then.

*Boom*

Iron shrapnel exploded outward, shredding flesh and muscle. The gore splattered the cage, me, and everything in between. The asshole laid still, his corpse covered in an absolutely horrid collage of shit, vomit, and gore.

I threw up.