Kaitlyn rapped her knuckles on the front door and stepped back, waiting. The telltale bass of club music was just barely audible from inside rather than blaring at full volume. At least, for now. It meant that things were still just getting started.

A ruddy-faced fratboy opened the door, his stout frame filling the entryway. A floral-patterned shirt pulled tight against his broad shoulders as he grinned at Kaitlyn. "Yo! What's up?"

Kaitlyn hesitated, realizing a problem with her approach. Why the hell would they let me in? None of them even know me! I'm just some random chick walking up off the street! Well, kind of…

Last time she'd been at the house, it had been as Vinny's guest. He'd picked her up from the bridge in the middle of a mental breakdown, and she'd just… stayed. But now? What reason did she have to be here?

Still, it was too late to back down now. And so, she pressed forward as boldly as she could manage.

"Hi. You're… Ryan, right?" She dug around for the name, then smiled at the friendly frat guy. "Can I come in?"

"Damn, you know my name?" Ryan put a hand to his forehead, face screwing up in concentration. He paused for a long moment in thought. "...Nope, no idea who you are. Sorry. I must've been trashed wherever we met."

"That's ok." Kaitlyn chuckled. "I can't blame you. It was a long time ago, and we kinda met in passing."

It's not entirely a lie. I mean, I did pass you in the hallway a lot when I stayed here.

Ryan shook his head. "Yeah, but still! I'm usually pretty good with faces, even if I am wasted."

She shrugged noncommittally. "Like I said it was a long time ago. I doubt Vinny or Chris would remember, either."

"Hmmm…" Ryan scratched at the stubble on his chin. "I wasn't a dick, was I?"

Kaitlyn bit her lips to keep herself from laughing. "Kind of? Well, Vinny thought so, at least. I thought you were nice."

"Shit." Ryan groaned. "Well, if he doesn't remember anything, don't remind him. I take enough shit from that prick as it is."

"I won't. But I think you'll be fine." Kaitlyn reassured him. "So… can I come in?"

"Sure!" Ryan stepped aside invitingly and winked. "Cute girls are always welcome in this house."

Kaitlyn felt like she'd been slapped.

Wh… what? It took all her effort to hide her shock, and judging by Ryan's widening grin, she hadn't even succeeded. Did he just call me cute?! What… what the hell, Ryan!

She honestly didn't know how to react. No one had ever complimented her appearance like that. Not him, or anyone else for that matter. It was a completely new sensation.

I'm… kind of flattered? But should I be? Or should I be offended? Is he hitting on me? No, he's just saying it to be polite. She nodded, seizing on the idea. It has to be. There's no other explanation. I've never been 'attractive', or 'pretty', and DEFINITELY not 'cute'. So it makes no sense otherwise.

"Well?" Ryan prodded. "You gonna just stand there or what?"

"R-right." Setting aside the odd interaction, Kaitlyn stepped past the guy and into the house.

The crowd of partygoers was already deceptively dense, though it confirmed once again that the event wasn't yet in full swing. She could still walk without bumping into people on either side, after all. The air filled with music, shouted conversation, and the familiar stench of cheap alcohol.

Guess I was kinda worried for nothing, Kaitlyn told herself as she headed toward the kitchen. She passed the collection of liquor bottles on the way as people swarmed about them like flies. I kinda forgot how laid back these guys are. Heck, they might've let me in anyway even if I hadn't acted so familiar.

Approaching the stacks of cheap pizza boxes along the counter, Kaitlyn served herself a few slices of the greasy stuff. Her stomach rumbled in anticipation, more loudly this time. The hollow pit demanded to be filled as soon as humanly possible.

I'm going, I'm going. Closing the pizza boxes, she turned toward the back door. I'll go eat on the back patio. It's quieter out there. Not like I really know anyone here, anyway.

With that, she carefully navigated through the shifting crowd, munching on her pizza as she went.

***

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

The back porch was much more peaceful than inside, as usual. The muted sounds of loud music and shouted conversation faded into background noise, occasionally flaring up as people opened the door and meandered in or out of the house. A few scattered individuals hung about on the grass below, most of them smoking something in groups of two or three.

Kaitlyn leaned against the wooden railing, looking out at the dimming horizon. At her elbow sat a grease-stained paper plate. She'd gone back for seconds after making sure she was, in fact, still hungry. It meant she'd eaten more pizza than she would have liked, both from a selfishness point of view and a digestive one. That much grease was sure to come back and bite her in a bit.

Considering how much she ate, she would have offered to pitch in for the food. But that wasn't how things worked around here. Besides, she knew full well how cheap the food was, especially compared to the booze.

I'd bet even Philip would approve of the pizza's cost-effectiveness. Kaitlyn smiled wryly. He probably wouldn't mind the taste, either.

Her gaze slid upward, toward the stars above. The pinpricks of light glittered merrily in the quickly-darkening sky, almost like Christmas lights.

…Yeah. Kaitlyn leaned forward, burying her head in her arms. This loop is gonna suck. I can't help it though. Everything just reminds me of him.

Now that she was standing still, the events of the last twenty-four hours or so felt like they were well and truly catching up to her. Not just the events, but the feelings and fears she'd repressed in order to get through it all.

I thought I had prepared myself this time. Her fists tightened, gripping the sleeves of her hoodie. I thought that now, since I knew what was coming, I could handle it better. At the very least it wouldn't be caught off guard. But apparently not.

The first time had been worse, in a way. The sheer whiplash of having Alex torn away from her had been a lot to handle, not to mention having to completely rewrite her assumptions about how this world worked. But this time was different. The pain was different, too. Rather than anger and betrayal and hopelessness, she felt… resignation. A deep loneliness, not from loss, but from the sheer isolation of it all.

I really am going to have to do this, aren't I?

Once again, the realization that she'd have to go through this three more times pushed to the forefront of her mind. But now, it wasn't just the heartbreak she feared. It was more than that.

…Can I even be genuine? Can I really open myself up like that again? Or will it just feel fake?

She hadn't intended to care about Philip. Not like this. No, the guy had cracked through her defenses when she'd least expected it, just like she'd broken through his. It was why the whole thing hurt so badly. But even to the very end, she'd felt like she was holding back. Just a little bit.

How could I not? How could I just let myself fall head over heels for someone again, knowing that it can never work? But… it's not a one way street. If I can't bring myself to open up, then how can I expect the same from anyone else? Or worse, what if I don't have to? What if I can just… be numb? Manipulate my way into more endings? What if I don't have to care?

The thought elicited another bitter chuckle. Here she was, afraid of becoming numb and emotionless as hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Maybe I should worry less about that and more about how to deal with the feelings I DO have.

Still, the thought of doing it again…

A quiet sniffle escaped as she wiped her eyes. No. Stop it. I'm not thinking about that yet. Even if time won't fix everything, I still need some of it. I need time to recover. Then I can start thinking about the future. But right now… I have to give myself this, at least.

She sat there in silence for a long moment. Despite having stuffed herself full of pizza, the hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach persisted. Now she was lonely and nauseous.

That pizza really does suck. I kind of forgot how bad these guys ate before I came along. I mean, I knew, but… it's a totally different thing to actually eat it myself.

Kaitlyn considered going back in to grab a water, but decided against it. Now that she'd stopped moving, it was harder than ever to start again. Especially considering how many people she'd have to push through to get there.

…I wonder what he'll be like now. Her thoughts turned back to Philip. How different will he seem? Does he smile a little more? Will he still take the day off for Serena's birthday?

She sighed. In all likelihood, she'd find out soon enough. This wasn't like with Alex, where she'd been able to just avoid the guy. Cross country was a totally optional thing and easy to skip out on. But Chella's?

…I guess I could avoid the restaurant, Kaitlyn mused. Honestly, I probably don't even need to work there, now that I've got Kate's Kitchen and a free laptop. But that feels too much like running away from the problem again. I'll have to face him eventually. And I already promised myself that I'd do it sooner rather than later.

The thought sent a fresh spike of longing through her chest. Sooner. But not right now. Not this loop.

As her chest tightened and another wave of emotion threatened to overwhelm her, Kaitlyn let her head fall onto her folded arms again. She was so… tired. Physically from walking all day, but emotionally too. She needed rest.

Guess I'm out of luck on that front. The sounds of the party inside blared once again as someone opened the back door. No chance I'm getting rest here. Not tonight.

That did raise an important question, though. How was she going to get home? Was there any chance she could catch a ride? Or would she have to stay here for the night again?

She heard the tap of something being set down at her elbow. Raising her head, she looked up to see a dark brown bottle, its cap already popped off.

"You look way too sober for whatever shit you've got goin' on."

Her eyes traveled upward to find a familiar figure. There, lending back against the railing, stood a broad-shouldered guy with slicked blonde hair and a black leather jacket. His deep blue eyes were narrowed in a near-perpetual scowl of annoyance And currently, that scowl was aimed in her direction.

Kaitlyn snorted. She'd have recognized that voice anywhere, even without the male lead's distinctive appearance.

"Hey, Vinny."