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If only lonely

If only lonely

That night in the tent, the two friends lie back to back on the bunk as usual. Bucky is grateful to have the privilege of sleeping with his buddy, who gets his own tent. Steve says he owes it to him for the times Bucky kept giving up things for him. But now they would like to be alone. Finally, Bucks suggests: "Listen Steve, I don't know how much that last pic... uhm, moved you. But I'd like to think about it for a bit. Know what I mean?” “I think so. Actually, I'd like that too. Uhm, well. At least think about it. That's not a bad thing.”, Steve agrees cautiously. Bucks wants to imply: "I mean, because we're here together... we could keep it like we did back then." "Like back when?", Steve wants to know, and Bucky explains: "You know what I mean. Back when we both acted as if we didn't notice when one of us had... needs."

"Nice euphemism for you sleeping with a girl!", Steve replies, a bit scathing. But Bucks doesn't respond to it and just says: "See, that's what I mean! You never said anything. I knew you heard me. Well, us. Sorry anyways.” Both continue to stare into the darkness. Bucks digs deeper: "Say Steve, now that that's no longer a problem for you... were you very jealous of me at the time?" Cap remains calm at first, then evades: "Why shouldn't it be a problem anymore?” “Oh come on, just look at you! Even our comrades are staring at you, because you look so good, the women must be queuing up for you now!”, Bucks chuckles. Steve is silent at first. Then however, he murmurs: "They didn't want me back then. And I got stared at then too. I hate it."

Bucky feels bad and apologizes: "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so shallow either. It's just... I'd just like to reminisce over the film a bit. And I don't want you to be mad about it. I thought it's easier for you with the girls now, and that you'd be more laid back. I'm sorry." But Steve just takes a deep breath and says: "You don't have to be, it's not your fault. And if you want, we can make a gentleman's agreement. Nobody knows what the other is doing, and tomorrow we'll pretend nothing happened.” Bucks relaxes and embraces the proposal: “That would be great! Okay, then... well, I wish you a good time. Have fun!” “Yeah, thanks, you too.”, Steve replies embarrassed.

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However, ignoring each other doesn't work out, because the two friends can't really move away from each other on the cot, and they clearly hear the other unzip and the fabric rustling. After they've given it several minutes, without anything really going, Bucky carefully asks: "Steve?" Cap flinches a bit and asks back: "Yes? Is something wrong?” “I can't do it.”, his friend says, and he has to agree with him: “Yes. Neither can I. I'm too ashamed." Bucks replies surprised: "But Steve, you don't have anything to be ashamed of! Not with me! If anything, I should be ashamed. For being so loud with the gals, that you had to hear it. Must have sucked for you.”

"It did. You're right, I was jealous at the time. And felt remorseful for it. You shouldn't envy someone, that's a mortal sin.”, his buddy replies. Bucks swallows a bit and considers: "So is lust. Do you think we're going to hell for this?" But Steve firmly denies: "No. No, only bad people go there. We're not evil. But still, it felt wrong. I wanted you to have that joy, at least you should be happy.” Bucks resists telling him, that it only made him happy for the moment. He didn't really feel loved. He could never. But he can't reveal that to him. Steve then asks: "And you? Aren't you ashamed, or what's holding you back? Why can't you go?" A little shy, Bucky replies: "Well. I can't really get in the mood like this. I wanted to imagine something, but my thoughts just get distracted every time."

Then, out of an an impulse, he asks: "How about we talk to each other?" Steve asks puzzled: "Talk? What about?" "Well, about the movie. What we found, uhm, interesting, or something. I think I could go then. And that way we wouldn't hear what the other does as much, if we make conversation. Is that something you'd try?”, Bucks suggests to his pal. Cap ponders it. Then he mumbles: "Okay. We can try that. But you start. I don't really know what to say." "All right. Just one more thing. Steve?”, his friend remarks, and Cap answers: “Yes?” “Gentleman's agreement! If you don't like something, you can say so, but please don't judge me for not being as pure as you, okay? And tomorrow we'll pretend we didn't say anything.", his buddy demands, to which Steve chuckles: "You have no idea! I'm not that chaste either, I just never had to show it. All right, you're not judging me either, okay?" "Hey, word of honor! Although I'm curious. Okay, I'll start.”, Bucks replies and then fabric rustles again.

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