Doubt and Guilt
Absolution gazed upon the world as his angels sang him praise. He was God almighty and this was the world he governed. With the rising of the sun at the east, a new day dawns upon the heavenly kingdom and with it comes his duties as a ruler. The horns of heavens rang out, calling upon the souls of those who believed him. They came in their multitude, shepherded by his many angels as they were made to kneel before him.
Young and old, the weak and strong, all stood before him as equals and each judged to the best of his abilities. At first, he breezed through the judgments, tossing those with sins into purgatory for their souls to be cleansed while those who lived righteous lives were allowed to pass through the pearly gates of paradise. Those who lived truly wicked lives, however, were forced down to the depths of hell where his love no longer reached.
As more passed through, however, he started to falter. It took him more and more time to judge yet even as he started stumbling upon his words, they were forced through without care. He tried to reach out for those souls that were cast in the wrong place yet more were to be judged, making him unable to do so as he started making mistakes. He wanted to just stop and take a break, yet he'd find no respite as they kept coming, their voices blending in until all he could hear were the screams of everyone.
Just as everything blurred to an almost incomprehensible mess, it stopped as he found himself face to face with a pale ghostly child, “Why didn’t you save me?” She asked, cutting through the din and silencing all those within heaven. They stopped dead in their tracks as they turned towards him, staring at him,
“W-what?” He choked out as he felt their judging eyes upon himself. He could feel himself shrink into his seat as sorrow gripped his heart. Why couldn’t he save her? Why out of everyone else that he already saved, could he not add her as well?
As this question gnawed away at his soul, another would soon follow as the bloody image of a boy now stood beside the girl, “Why? Why did you let evil exist? Why did you let them kill me and get away with it?” He questioned him in an accusatory tone even as his blank eyes stared right at his very soul. He flinched at the accusation, feeling its weight upon his shoulder as the boy continued, “They’re still alive down there, living their lives in peace while I stand here before you.”
Before he could muster a response, the girl asked him once more. Tilting her head until he heard a sickening snap, she asked, “Aren’t you god? Aren’t you supposed to be omnipotent and omniscient? Shouldn't you know everything and do everything?”
He screwed his eyes shut as he clutched on to his ears, hoping to block out these horrible words yet he’ll find no respite. Despite his efforts, he was made to face them and he was forced to answer, “I-I’m trying! I haven’t left my seat in ages. I couldn’t even stand the last time I stood up!” He replied, trying to excuse himself yet he knew it rang hollow. He could have done something yet he didn’t. He had just sat there, doing everything in his power yet more and more of the dead called upon him.
“Trying?” The multitude hissed out as the angels around him frowned and slammed the butt of their spears on the floor which had him jump in surprise.
“Are you, perhaps, not really God?” The girl asked him as she walked up to him, stepping upon the stairs leading to his throne.
“I-I, I am!” He frantically claimed. He could not tell a soul that he wasn’t god, that he wasn’t who they thought he was. He could not let this illusion fail else his people would lose hope. Why would they listen to him if they knew he lied? Despite his best efforts, however, the damage was already done as the angels raised their spears and leveled them against him.
“Why do you lie?” The boy asked as he followed his companion. In desperation, he fired a blast of energy at them yet all that came out was a mere trickle of light that washed over their form like a drop of water against solid rock. He stared in horror at his shaking hands as the twelve seraphs landed around him, surrounding from all sides.
“You should just leave, you’re not worthy of his seat,” Michael spoke to him as he looked down upon him in barely concealed anger. He wanted to run, to just hide and never look back yet he was frozen in his seat, unable to even muster up the strength to stand up.
His eyes looked around frantically, searching, begging for help before they landed upon the crying visage of sweet Gabriel, “Don’t you feel ashamed?” She asked him with a whimper that cut through his very soul.
“Faker,” Raphael accused him with a disappointed shake of his head.
“Fraud,” Uriel sneered at him as they looked away in disgust at his deception.
“Liar!” Metatron screamed out at him as tears streamed down her face. He wanted this to end, he wanted everything to stop. He didn’t want any of this in the first place. The only reason why he kept up the act was he wanted to help. He just wanted to give everyone the smile they deserved.
As the boy and girl now stood before him, he felt dread well up to his chest. His heart thundered inside his chest as it threatened to burst out. He wanted to look away yet his eyes were locked upon those empty pits that were the windows to their souls, “You should just die. Don’t worry, let us help you,” The girl whispered as Uriel gave her her sword. Raising the flaming blade high, it loomed overhead, threatening to split him in twine.
Just as the girl was about to strike him down, a figure suddenly burst into the scene. He watched as small dainty hands wrestled the blade away from the ghostly figure before him before the mysterious figure screamed at him, “No! Don’t listen to them! Wake up!”
Absolution jolted awake as Asia looked at him in concern as she grabbed hold of his shoulders, shaking him awake. He looked around frantically, eyes searching for the figures in his dream yet he found no one but Asia as he found himself on the floor of his workshop.
His heart was pounding while his ears rang and the very walls of his room seemed to loom over everything. Terror gripped his heart as he looked up at Asia, but he didn’t find accusatory eyes looking back at him. All he saw was a look of concern before she pulled him into a tight hug.
He felt himself freeze in her hold until he realized how frantic his breathing was. Screwing his eyes shut, he took deep calming breaths to steady his heart. Slowly, his heart settled down. His hands stopped shaking and the ringing stopped, leaving him with only the soothing hum of his angel with the world coming back into focus. He hated how he clung onto her for his dear life but he needed this. Just a month in god's shoes and he was already starting to show cracks, some deity he was.
“Everything’s alright, there’s nothing to be worried about,” The human turned angel whispered soothingly as he felt her hands stroke his back. He felt ashamed that he needed to be calmed down and comforted like a scared kid, but that was what he was truly inside. Despite all the time he had growing up, he was still that kid that was afraid.
“You know, I should be the one comforting people, not the one being comforted,” He choked out as he tried to make light of the situation. He couldn’t afford to let them see weakness, but here he was, close to tears. He felt cold yet the warmth of Asia’s hug melted away the fears and doubt and allowed him to forget.
“Oh hush you, you deserve just as much love as any other being, even if you’re god,” She scolded him without heat as he laughed weakly. With Asia, he felt all his worries melt away. With no expectations to live up to, he could be himself for once and let go of the mask he had been made to wear.
They held each other with Asia refusing to let go until he finally stopped shaking. With heat returning to his checks, he finally pulled away and Asia helped him up so that they could sit somewhere more comfortable than the cold floor.
Together, they sat in silence, just enjoying each other's presence in the privacy of the room attached to his bedroom. This was his study and here they were surrounded with nothing but rows upon rows of books of all manners, topics, and languages. Now that he was no longer trapped in his nightmare he remembered exactly why he was here. To think that he’d fallen asleep trying to learn as much as he could about devil kind. If Asia didn’t come to his aid when she was bringing him his breakfast, he didn’t know what else he could have seen in his nightmare.
Before he could put himself down any further, Asia cut through the silence as she suddenly spoke up, “You know, the teachers in my school had me believing you’re a benevolent king, wise beyond measure and all powerful,” She recounted with a soft smile upon her face while she stared off into the distance, no doubt remembering much simpler times.
He could only sigh and smile sadly at her as he replied, “I’m not living up to expectations, huh?” Some god he was, unable to solve things that he should. He could solve everything… if only he just pushed himself just a bit more.
“Nope!” The girl all too happily replied, which had him almost reeling in pain. What he didn’t expect was the words that followed, “You actually exceeded mine,” she admitted as she gave him the widest and brightest smile that she could possibly make.
He could only turn to her in surprise as he stared at her, wondering if she was merely joking, yet he found no falsehoods nor lies in those innocent blue eyes of hers. She was just being herself, speaking out what she had in her heart.
“I thought you were going to be a distant man, but it turns out you’re far more human than I thought you would be,” She admitted, making him panic for a bit only for him to calm down as she elaborated, “Maybe that’s why those who first worshiped you followed you. Because you understood them, because you could be with them and be happy with them.”
The words that soon followed had him nearly brought to tears once more. “I’m glad that you’re you,” she said to him. He pursed his lips, doing his best to hold back the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks as he rubbed them out of his eyes.
Why did the first followers of God choose him over all the others? There were many more people as powerful as he was in that part of the world, as his new memories would remind him. He had yet to grow up and become the power house that he was now. There were even times that the Egyptians were the masters, yet they kept their belief in him. Was it truly as simple as God being willing to walk with them?
“Am… Am I doing enough?” He then asked. Despite Asia’s comforting words, some of the doubt still lingered inside him, eating away at him. There were angry prayers, yes, but there wasn’t yet one cursing him for doing nothing. He feared the day that he had to face someone who he and his predecessors failed.
“I’m doing the best that I can but it feels like I’m not doing enough. I could do so many things but here I am, stuck in my study trying to solve a problem,” He shared it with her openly. His own senses could only take him so far as devils were living things, living beings with souls just as complex as any others. They had their wants, their needs, their aspirations. If he were to solve the problem heaven and humanity had with the devils, he needed to understand them.
“Yes,” Asia all too easily answered.
“But-” he tried to reason with her only for her to hush him as she placed a dainty finger upon his lips.
Giggling, her fingers traced down to his chest as she began, “It doesn’t matter how many you saved nor who you saved, what matters is that you’re doing your best to save people,” Her fingers soon settled upon his heart as she added, “When you’re deep in the dark, having someone reach out to you and pull you up means the world to everyone so please, don’t be sad.”
He was awestruck, unable to even reply as Asia pushed all his doubts away. At that very instant, he knew deep in his heart that he did good. Unable to hold himself back, he reached out and grabbed on to Asia. His hands wrapped around her as he pulled her into a tight hug even as she panicked, “Thank you Asia, thank you for everything,” He thanked her.
“My lord! This is improper!” the girl squawked in protest but he laughed as he nuzzled close to her.
“Nope! You deserve all the hugs in the world,” He exclaimed as joy filled his heart once more. Asia might not know it but her words meant the world to him.
After a bit, he finally let go of the flustered angel as she straightened the feathers she had. Now that he could get a look at her, he noticed that she sported an extra set of wings from her initial four. She was already growing strong, even after just being an angel for a short time.
All things soon came to an end as he heard a call from within the castle proper. The voice of Sariel reached out far and wide for all to be heard. The training of God’s flock was to start and there was hell to pay for any late comers.
“I’m terribly sorry, but Sariel wants me in the training yard. With Gabriel out on a mission, my training falls to her and well… I’m not sure I’m living up to her expectations,” Asia apologized as she clutched onto her wings for comfort.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
“You’ll do fine, I believe in you,” He cheered her on as he gave her a pat on the head. She looked like she wanted to protest even more with her burning cheeks but she merely kept quiet as she just let him pet her.
Asia soon excused herself once more before leaving, finally giving him privacy once more. He turned back to the half forgotten tray of food by the wayside. With a nod, he grabbed the food and ate it with gusto, even if it had long since become cold and stale. He still had more work to do and the problems of the world weren't going to fix themselves if he didn’t get to work.
-x-x-x-
Sweat dripped down his forehead as his fingers approached a drop of blood atop a glass slide. While from a distance it seemed innocuous, up close it was anything but that. Dark particulates of solidified magic congealed the sanguine liquid, turning it into some form of viscous jelly. This was the blood of a demon afflicted with the dread sleeping sickness and so far it had been resistant to his attempt to remove it from the person.
His digits trembled despite his efforts to keep it steady. Aiming it as the drop, a ray of light then shot out for the briefest of seconds as the drop jiggled. For a moment, nothing happened and he thought he had severely underpowered his shot until the blood cleared and became liquid once more.
He nearly jumped in joy as he pumped his fist. Finally, progress! His celebration was short lived however as a burning smell permeated his workshop and he turned to find the blood burning up. He slumped against his seat as he attempted to heal demonic flesh. While he could stop his holy energy from interacting with select individuals, when the time came that it had to interact with it in any way… things started to burn.
“I’m sorry Ingvild, it seems like my treatment isn’t working,” He apologized to his patient as he pushed her bed back to Raphael’s hospital. He might be god, but Raphael had far more experience with healing with his focus upon that of heavenly art.
He then pushed his wheeled seat away as he spun around, wondering where things went wrong with his treatment. He was still unsuccessful in treating the symptoms. While he knew where this malaise came from, that from the very soul of a devil itself, he couldn’t quite interact with it in fear of burning them up from the inside out. It was a miracle unto itself and a testament to the great genius of the Sacred Gear that it somehow integrated well with the soul of a half-devil without burning them up in the process. He should probably look in that.
Speaking of soul stuff, he turned around and stared at the pile of crystalline chess pieces he had taken out so far. Taking them out was easier than he expected. With all the holy magic he had in his disposal he managed to heal the literal hole he made ripping them out. The problem was that the thing that filled up the hole was neither human nor devil but something more akin to what Ingvild had. He lacked the know-how to deal with devil physiology, but at least now he just had a bunch of confused half devils instead of a bunch of scared reincarnated devils.
Closing his eyes, he opened them up to see that Raphael was checking on them along with a whole host of angels. None so far seemed to have mutated into monstrosities, but they were shadowed by an angel after the procedure. Satisfied with what he saw, he closed his eyes once more and his consciousness returned to his main body.
He threw up his hands in frustration as he decided it was not worth pursuing this avenue any further until Raphael had more information on Devil, or at least Half Devil, Physiology. Heaven didn’t exactly envision a time when the enemy was in need of a care that the other side couldn’t provide all on their own, which led to an empty library concerning devils that wasn’t about how to deal with them and defeat them.
Leaving Ingvild to rest for now, he turned to the one thing he knew he could do without problem. Walking up to a certain shelf, he pulled on one book and a door nearby soon came into being. Looking around and making sure no one else was watching, he opened it to reveal a dark and dusty staircase that went on without seeming to end.
Descending down the hidden passage, he soon entered a room long hidden from even his most trusted Angels. Down he went with the steps going on until he finally arrived in front of a door. Looking up, he saw the seemingly infinitely deep room just a floor below. Turning back to the door, he opened it to reveal one of the most important rooms in all of creation. There, beneath heaven, was the forge where the Sacred Gears were made.
It was but a humble forge whose fire never seemed to go out, even with the lack of coal to power it. In contrast to heaven above, the dark soot covered walls had seen better days. The lack of windows, low ceiling, and the dim lighting from the fire of the forge serving as its only light source made it quite a claustrophobic experience. The half finished weapons and materials inside told of a different story, however.
They were unlike any other mortal or divine creation. Even without focusing on them, he could feel them thrumming with power. Metals glowed with an unearthly power as the souls of great creatures and beings that had succumbed to the might of heaven were stored in the very fires of the forge itself.
This was where the true sacred gears were made ,and here he shall make a weapon that would be essential for the future, call it a contingency plan if you will. He was courting Ophis with his little trinket, so it was best to have something to protect himself just in case. The fact that it would deny his enemies a tool that they could use against him later was just icing on the proverbial cake.
With a snap of his fingers, the torches lining the walls of his forge lit up while the fire burned even brighter. The soot and dust covering the walls faded away while the tools left around returned to their proper place. Even the walls and floor stretched, providing him far more room to stretch and even fly around if he wished. Walking around, he found that it was far more agreeable. He could finally get to work.
Closing his eyes, he reached in deep into his core. The burning light of his divinity shone as he reached out across time and space, far beyond the realm of heaven and further than the mortal planes. He reached out further, letting his light touch the deepest darkest hole where his predecessor hid a great evil. For the first time in ages, his voice echoed through that desolate place as he gave his command, “To you my accursed creation, I call upon you once more. Rise, Samael!”
The light of the room dimmed as darkness started to bubbled from the cracks in the cobble stone floor before him. It crawled outwards, creating a hole from which no light could reach the bottom. Chains then shot out from deep within, burying themselves upon the roof of his forge as his prisoner was winched up.
As soon as the chains started creaking, he felt the hair behind his neck rise up. He could feel his teeth hurt from the deep sound and the feeling of revulsion only got worse as he felt the twisted, tainted blood coming from below. He almost gagged as bile rose up to his throat as a deep unsettling feeling of revulsion overcame his senses. He almost didn’t catch his hands as he grabbed a sword by instinct, but he caught them just in time to stop himself from cutting the chains holding this thing that he was pulling up.
From the depths of Cocytus came God’s worst mistake, the angel Samael bound in all his glory. As the cross to which that Angel was nailed and chaine too came to view, he could finally see the creature that made man destroy Eden so as to spite humanity for taking what they so arrogantly claimed as theirs. Half angel and half dragon in appearance, this creature represented the very idea that all things come to an end, that there is no infinity in this world, there is only extinction waiting at the finish line and his body hated it with every fiber of his being.
“Hello, Samael,” He whispered as he walked up to the bleeding and wretched creature before him. With his eyes gouged out with large iron spikes and his mouth gagged with thorny plants, he was but a shadow of himself, but even in his state the creature forced its body to look at him. He struggled at his bonds, his screams of anger muffled while tears of blood started dripping down their faces.
Memories of the time of the fall of Eden came to him unbidden. All the senseless death brought about by that cataclysmic event. The death of paradise, of how man broke free and was pushed on the destructive path they tread today. All of it, brought about by a single angel who whispered to man's ears of how to kill and destroy.
Despite their tongue cut out and their mouth wrapped with ever regrowing plant vines, he could still make out the question that they had been meaning to ask him all this time. ‘Why? Why have you forsaken me? Why did you abandon me for these humans? They who destroy without care, they who hate and lie,’ the fallen angel hissed out through their bindings as blood dripped down to floor. The air around the creature rippled as if it was burning while the floor and ceiling bubbled and melted from the mere proximity to the once holy being.
“You know full well what you did. You could have just let them be, you could have watched them grow with me yet…” He spoke to him, letting all the words that his predecessors come to him. He could still feel the hate that lingers in his heart, the anguish of losing his hard work to this being, “You chose to trick them and have them turn against the Eden we made. You had them destroy paradise,” He accused him, letting the weight of the crime fall upon their shoulders yet they only answered with hate.
‘They chose that path! Death! Death to all these flawed and filthy humans!’ They spat out as they redoubled their struggle, wanting nothing more than the destruction of all he held dear, that of humanity.
He laughed at their futile attempt which only served to anger them even more, “You call them flawed, yet all I see in them is the potential to grow and prosper further than any being ever could. They have their faults, yes, yet for all their misgivings they strive to change and be better. Even after destroying Eden, they still strive to achieve that impossible dream once more,” He fired back. As destructive as humans became, despite all the knowledge they possessed leading them down a dark path, they still strove to correct themselves. They still wanted to be good.
“You, on the other hand, remained hateful. Not even imprisonment could change you. So consumed are you with your hate that it poisoned even your very blood,” He spat out as the creature bit through the vines and roared out, only for his cries to be muffled once more as the vines filled his open mouth.
“For all your faults, however, for all your failings, and all of what you have done, I refuse to be like you,” Absolution continued, refusing to turn away from the monster that his predecessor made. As much as his past self wanted to bury this fault, to hide it away and not let the sun reach it, Samael would still remain. He could move him to a far more secure prison, maybe even end him, but for what? He was a problem that had festered for far too long, it was time he ended this once and for all.
With a wave of his hands, the chains fell away and Samael fell down to the floor writhing in pain. The spikes driven into eyes were pulled out while the thorns that served to silence him were removed. The man was left panting and shaking as the thousands of years of anguish ended. Without a minute of hesitation, he leapt at him with murderous intent but Absolution merely accepted his hate and all that he was for his word was final.
“I… I forgive you,” he said, making the half blinded man freeze in his step just as he was about to drive his hands into his throat. He could see the man’s jaw slackened as his hands trembled. The angel’s fist opened up and for the first time in ages, a semblance of sanity returned to him.
He reached out to him and he pulled the creature in his embrace. As repulsed as he was, as much as his hands wanted to rip them apart, he held back as he pushed forward, “No longer will you be chained for all eternity. No longer shall you experience anguish. Your stations beside me shall be restored,” he announced as he felt the angel tremble in his hold.
Their confusion would short lived as the light started pouring into their twisted body, filling him with the holy energy he had long rejected. The fallen creature screamed in agony as they tried to get away but he kept hold of him, refusing to let go, “Yet… you will feel nothing, for your body will no longer house your essence. While I have forgiven you, your sentence has merely been changed,” he declared and upon his words, their body started to crack and warp.
“I recognize that you will never change and thus, your nature shall be put to better use!” He shouted as the creature was pulled in on itself, forced into an unnatural shape as their very flesh and blood became lustrous metal, “Your bones and flesh shall be turned to gold and steel so that they may be shaped. Your wings shall be bent and broken so that they can become the blade to which my enemies shall bleed,” he commanded and reality followed as he reformed the murderous creature.
There was fear in the creatures eyes as what little sanity they had left surfaced, but he couldn’t stop now, now that he had stripped them of their shell and revealed their very core, “That hate which has become your very being shall become the poison which weakens and kills all those whom I strike. Your very being now, even distilled down to a deadly point, shall be used to serve humanity,” He uttered and, thus, the fallen was silenced and in his hands was a weapon fit for a hunter, a spear of bone and metal decorated with the teeth of a dragon.
He held onto the spear, letting its form settle until all their essence was bound to this new form, “Rejoice Samael, for you shall fight with me once more,” He whispered as he clutched the spear close to himself even as the once living being became nothing more than a weapon in his hand.
“I’m sorry Samael, I shouldn’t have tossed you aside,” He apologized once more as his heart finally let go of the hate, of the anguish and the sorrow. The past had long since past, now he moved forward and so too shall his soul.
For the first time in ages, he felt Samael still as the spear in his hands became whole. While his wayward angel could no longer speak, he could still feel his emotions now that his very soul was in his hands. From spiteful hate down to begrudging acceptance, his weapon accepted him wholeheartedly as its master.
“It’s good to have you back,” He whispered with a soft smile across his face as he slung the spear over his shoulder. He was about to find himself a strap to which to attach to his new found weapon when something called upon his attention.
He turned around as his gaze reached out to the place where the fallen hid as his beacon flashed into being. It was small, minute, and almost imperceptible to the senses as to avoid alerting his prodigal children’s enemies, but still distinct enough for his own that he could pick it up even as he felt it pulse in the depths of hell. His gaze might be obscured by the powerful wards they had erected, but now that his gaze fell upon them, he could see them in their totality.
He blinked as the walls melted away to be replaced by the luxurious tent of a general out on his campaign. Gone were the crummy walls of his forge as the scenery was replaced with that of resplendent gold ornaments and luxurious silk. The smell of sex and alcohol hanging in the air had him feeling heady as it mixes with the incense burning over the braziers.
Sitting by the fireplace was a man with a mop of blonde hair that elicited both fondness and disappointment in his heart. Turning around, the man gave him quite the sardonic smile. Finally, he could finally talk to him and end this stupid fight once and for all.
“Good evening, father,” Azazel greeted him before the fallen angel’s eyes wandered over to his new weapon, “I see you brought him along.”
“I felt like it was appropriate for this family reunion of ours,” He fired back as he walked over to a nearby weapon rack and placed it upon the highest perch. Now disarmed, he turned around and gestured towards one of the cleaner seats in the tent, “Mind if I take a seat?”
Azazel sighed as he reached up for the bridge of his nose and pinched it, “Be my guest,” the man grumbled. At least he wasn’t met with hostilities he thought as he plopped down on the large beanie bag.