Sifu Zhang was a new man by the time he drank his fifteenth milkshake. He stood straighter, he had more energy, and the lack of constant pain relaxed his features. He looked and acted twenty years younger than the day he practically stumbled into the school and had to take a seat or collapse on the floor. It’s amazing what removing cancer can do to a person and it pained me to think about how Evan could have had a similar recovery, if I’d only moved faster.

I had finished taking out the last of the cancer a few days earlier and I’d stop with the milkshakes in another week. The extra calories were good for him and I didn’t want him to feel that the cure worked too fast. I don’t think he cared anyways. He’d keep drinking the milkshakes every day if it meant he could fell this good again. He felt strong for the first time since his diagnosis and he started thinking about his future again.

“This afternoon, I would like to go with you to Hannah’s Home. I need to see what’s there and figure out where I will teach. You also mentioned a place to live, if I remember correctly?”

“Yes. I thought that one of the cottages would be good for you, but I think that one of the rooms in the old rectory would be better suited to you. I’ll ask Shauna, the foundation’s administrator, to set up one of the rooms for you. Are you sure that you’re ready to leave this dungeon of torture?”

“Since I am no longer dying, I don’t have an excuse to keep interfering with Paul and Maggie’s courtship. He had been alone for too long. I am also excited to build a new dungeon of torture and spread the pain to new students.”

“Great. I already have victims…uhm…students for you to torture…uhm…teach.”

I signed Shauna, Jenny and Gabriel up for lessons, but I was surprised when all three of the sisters wanted to join as well. “We need the exercise, Abby. We’ve all gotten too soft lately”, Sister Clara explained.

I was glad to see that Shelley also wanted to try out the class. She’d be a great role model for others like her and I thought that the defense techniques would help her get over the sense of helplessness that was weighing her down and give her some feelings of control over the direction of her life.

With Shauna’s help, over the next few weeks Sifu Zhang was able to open his new school at Hannah’s Home. He ended up choosing to use a part of the large industrial building that housed all the equipment needed to run the property. Fred, our caretaker, was barely using a quarter of the space and by moving things around we were able to section off a large room for Kung Fu and create its own entrance.

While all this was going on, I started my Senior year in high school.

I thought I’d be excited about my last year, but I really wasn’t. I felt empty and lost in school. Outwardly nothing had really changed. I went to classes, took my notes, met up with friends, even found some time to sneak into a corner or two and kiss Bobby. Inside though, it all felt pointless. Not the friends part, that was great. It was school itself, sitting in classes learning things that I didn’t even want to know and that I couldn’t imagine using in my life. With the exception of the advanced biology class and chemistry classes that I’d signed up for, I found myself resenting the waste of time more and more. There was so much I could be doing that was a better use of my time. I could be mapping out future mines for Jake, following up on leads for the foundation instead of handing them off to the FBI, and there was always something that I could do at Hannah’s Home. Hell, I still didn’t know all the uses to which I could put my abilities and I wasn’t pushing myself enough with them these days, becoming stronger or better in my techniques.

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On top of all of these feelings, I also had to put up with all the college talk, again. The non-stop future planning of my classmates was driving me up the wall. It was bad enough last year when they were taking the SATs and charting their futures, but this year I got to hear all the details. The gritty, grimy, useless, little details. Coupled with the endless chatter about which schools were better for what professions and which ones had nicer campuses, they also obsessed about their chances of getting into these schools and phrases like ‘first choice’ and ‘fallback school’ were being thrown around incessantly.

If it wasn’t for my ability to take out all my anger and frustration out at Kung Fu every night, I might have strangled someone during that first month of school.

“Are you ok, Abby?” Eva found me sitting by myself behind our usual tree in the park across the school.

I was about to give my standard, “Sure. I’m ok”, answer but it died on my lips. I wasn’t ok. Something was wrong and I didn’t know what.

“No. I feel a long way from ok, Eva, and it won’t go away. It just keeps getting worse.”

“What’s getting worse?”

“I feel angry. Angry and frustrated. It’s boiling up inside me and I have to hold myself back from sniping at everyone around me. The worst part is that I don’t know why. Everything in my life is going great. I have great friends like you and James, I have a boyfriend, and the foundation is up and running and is already helping people. Even my Kung Fu is progressing much faster than usual. All should be well. I should be happy. Yet everyday I wake up and come to school and I’m on edge and ready to snap.” Tears were running down my face and Eva sat down next to me and took my hand.

“Would you like some help in figuring it out?”

“I would love some help.”

“Ok, then. Let’s see if we can narrow down the problem. Do you always feel that way or just at school?”

I took a moment and thought about it. “Well, I don’t wake up feeling that way. It seems to start when I get to school and builds all day. By the time I’m at Kung Fu, I’m ready to beat the crap out of the bag. I’m usually there early so I spend fifteen minutes relieving the stress by going all out in the training room. I’m mostly better after that and the class.”

“Are you sleeping well at night? Any bad dreams? Do you find that you’re angry at home or at the foundation?”

“Yes, no, no and no.”

“Wait, I was just throwing out questions and wasn’t keeping track.”

“Yes, I’m sleeping well. No, no bad dreams. I’m not angry at home. I’m not angry at the foundation.”

“Ok, so we’ve narrowed it down to school. Something is bothering you about school.”

“No shit! Sorry, Eva. I meant that to come out sarcastic, not angry.”

“No problem. So, what’s bothering you about school?”

“I don’t want to be here!” I practically shouted it at her. “I’m wasting my time. I should be out there. I should be…”

“What should you be doing?”

“I don’t know.”

“You were about to say something but held yourself back. What was it?”

I shook my head as if to deny the question.

“Abby, what did you think of? What should you be doing?”

“It was just a stupid, impossible thought. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Ok, then tell me and we’ll laugh about it together. What should you be doing, Abby?”

“I should be out there…finding my mother. I miss her Eva. I can barely remember her, but I miss her so much. I’m graduating this year and she won’t be there to watch me get my diploma and I want her to be there. I want her to help me figure out what I should do with my life, because I’m lost, Eva, and I want her for my dad because he’s lost too. He’s more lost that I am. I created a whole foundation just so I could find her, to help her, but I’ve only found other people’s mothers, other people’s wives and children. Why am I here when she’s somewhere out there?” I’m sobbing and Eva is holding me and I can’t stop.