Art and his companions raced through the village. Townspeople ran past them screaming, desperate to escape the wrath of the abominations. Houses and shops lay in ruins around them. Art’s group made it to the center of the village and found the huge horde of abominations lying in wait. The horde parted, allowing Pure Malevolence to step forward.
“You finally came. Took you long enough to get here,” Pure Malevolence said.
“I don’t know who you are, but I’m not going to let you hurt this village any longer!” Art said. He looked more determined than he’d ever been in his life. “Hopefully if I save them they’ll get off my ass about paying that debt.”
Sam glared at him. “We’re saving them because it’s the right thing to do.”
Art waved her off. “Yeah, sure whatever.”
“It doesn’t matter why you’re fighting us. Because you’ll never be able to defeat me… brother,” Pure Malevolence said. PM removed their cloak and Art gasped. His brother, Reuben was smirking back at him.
“You? You’re Pure Malevolence?” Art said.
“That’s right, brother. This was all a part of my plan! I was the one who opened the portal that brought you to this galaxy. I was the one who got Herbert to create the abominations for me. I even got him to turn you into a hairy wizard for shits and giggles. And like the fool that you are, you never saw it coming!” Reuben said. “My abominations are going to beat you within an inch of your life and I’m going to post the footage on SpaceTube, proving once and for all that I am the superior brother.”
His unhinged smile sent a shiver down Art’s spine. “But why have you been doing this?” Art asked. “I mean, this seems like a lot of effort.”
“Did you ever stop and think about WHY I drugged you with the parasite?” Reuben said.
Art paused for a moment before answering. “Because you’re a dick?”
“Well, yes. But also because I needed to delay you and the precious cargo you were carrying on your ship. The Really Illegal Explosives that I left behind were just a red herring to throw you off my scent,” Reuben said.
Art looked down at his SmartWatch 9000 and quickly pulled up the previous night’s security footage from inside his ship. The cameras caught his brother laughing manically as he teleported into the cargo bay, opened up a portal underneath a huge canister, and teleported the canister out. Reuben opened up a second portal and two canisters came out. One contained the Really Illegal Explosives. The other was the same size and weight as the canister he’d stolen from the cargo bay. He placed it in the same spot as the one he’d taken. Reuben made sure to twirl his mustache and flip off the security camera before teleporting himself out.
Art groaned. He didn’t know how his crew could’ve missed this footage before. They’d never been this sloppy in the past. “I don’t get it. What’s so special about the package?”
Reuben rolled his eyes. “Typical. You didn’t even know that you were carrying an ancient tablet that leads to the fabled Super Mcguffin? The greatest treasure in the universe?”
“That’s not ringing any bells for me. Are you sure that you’re not just making that up? That sounds made up,” Art said.
“Every scallywag knows the tale of the Super Mcguffin, matey!” said Drunk Beard. “Many claim it to be just a myth, but ‘ol Drunk Beard has been searching for it for many moons. I know in me bones that it be real.”
“Oh, it’s very real,” Reuben said. “Once I learned that my idiot brother was transporting it, I knew that I had to get my hands on it. I’ve hated you for years and this was my chance to finally put you in your place.”
“I’m gonna be honest. I’m still pretty hungover right now so I don’t know what you’re saying. Why are you doing all this again?” Art said.
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Reuben’s face turned red. “I’ve lived in your shadow for far too long. I make more money in one week than you do in one year, yet somehow you’re the one with that people tell stories about. You’re the one with the crew that people are dying to join. I run efficient jobs all over the galaxy, but you go on your stupid little adventures and everyone acts like you’re so much cooler just because my voice sounds a little feminine. I know everyone laughs at my voice behind my back. But not anymore. Once I find the Super McGuffin, I’ll be the one who people call a legend. I’ll be the one who gets all the respec-”
“Boooring. Are we gonna talk or are we gonna fight?”
“What? But you’re the one who asked me about it. I can’t believe you have the nerve to interrup-”
Art pulled out his space glock and fired it sideways at his brother. He didn’t stop shooting until he’d unloaded the entire clip. The ninjas joined in by throwing their shurikens. Only one of the shuriken actually hit him. Drunk Beard fired his beard cannon that he’d always kept hidden underneath his beard right at Reuben’s chest. Unfortunately, all of their attacks were blocked by the force field generated by Reuben’s Shield Jacket. Art cursed himself for not noticing that detail. Shield Jackets were badass leather jackets that were the latest fashion for adventurous space travelers. Not only did they increase your sex appeal tenfold, but they were also almost indestructible. Art had desperately wanted one for months but they were way outside of his price range.
“That’s right. I’ve got the new limited edition Shield Jacket. You jelly, bro?” his brother smirked. “Yeah, you jelly.”
“Shut up. I’m about to turn you into jelly!” Art said as he charged at his brother.
“What does that even mean?” Reuben said.
“You’re gonna find out once I show you this surprise from my secret underwear pocket. I can’t believe you’ve forced me to use this bad boy,” Art said. He quickly pulled something out as he ran and covered it so that his brother couldn’t see.
“It doesn’t matter what you have in your secret underwear pocket. You’ll never be able to stop me, Fart.”
Art’s eyes narrowed. “How the galactic FUCK did you know about my secret underwear pocket?”
“That Barium Zarathaxis parasite must have scrambled your brain even more than I expected,” Reuben cackled.
“Let’s see if you find this funny,” Art said. He chucked the item that he was holding as hard as he could. A small green and white orb sailed through the air and landed just in front of the hordes of abominations. It rolled a few inches forward before coming to a complete stop. Suddenly the orb popped open and a 15-foot-tall beast leapt out. It had flawless green skin and huge feathered wings that gave off a divine glow. The beast was more buff than an ultra steroid user from a space bodybuilding competition. He flipped his long silky hair and fixed his fierce gaze on the abomination army before him. They all shook in fear.
The mocking laughter died in Reuben’s throat. Sweat began to form on his forehead. “Oh my god. How did you even get your hands on a B-bomination?”
“We all have our secrets,” Art winked. “Now sic’ em, boy!”
“Bom Bom,” screeched B-bomination. It flew towards the abominations at blinding speeds, slicing up the creatures with its razor-sharp feathers. The B-bomination zigged and zagged through the crowd, leaving a pile of bodies that looked almost as high as Neo New Mt. Everest II. Within a couple of minutes, there weren’t any Ambinations left standing.
“Good boy,” Art said. “You deserve a treat.” He took some space jerky out of his not secret underwear pocket and fed it to the grateful creature. After giving the B-bomination a pat on the head, he picked up the Bokemon cube and sent the beast back inside to rest. His brother just stared in horror at the carnage that lay before him. He fell to his knees, unable to cope with the shock of his defeat.
“It’s over Reuben. We don’t need to keep fighting. Just give up already and hand over the Super Mcguffin tablet. We have you beat,” Art said.
Reuben started laughing. It was soft at first but grew louder and louder. Art tensed up. Something didn’t feel right about this.
“As usual Fart, you couldn’t be more wrong,” he said. “I still have one trick up my sleeve.”
Reuben put his fingers between his teeth and whistled. BOOM! A bolt of light struck the ground with so much force that the entire area was covered in a cloud of dust and debris. Art coughed and rubbed his eyes as he tried to see through the dust cloud. When it finally cleared, Art couldn’t believe his eyes. He rubbed them again, thinking that might change what he saw. It didn’t.
Art turned to Sam. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
Sam’s face looked extremely pale. “I thought you only had one brother.”
“I do! I mean, I thought I did?” Art said.
Reuben was still kneeling on the ground, but behind him stood six men who all looked completely identical to him. Some of them were wearing strange outfits or had different hairstyles, but they all unmistakably shared the same not-very-attractive face.
The seven versions of Reuben all twirled their mustaches and smirked. “Welcome to the multiverse, brother,” they said in unison.
Reuben Prime stood up and walked into a portal that he opened. “Keep him busy. I’ve got a Super Mcguffin to find.”