Sunday

8/3/25

Harley

Am I just some fucking idiot or something?

Or did I just miss something early on? This isn't the Vivienne I fell in love with - something's not right, something's just missing. I know her all too well, and I know the signs when she's hyper focusing in an unhealthy, even dangerous way. You'd think after all these years of conversations about communication it'd be somewhere to be seen or heard or felt or some kinda new fucking sense invented just for it - but that's a big fat fucking NOPE! After all these years, her walls are still standing strong and offering no way inside, unless she drowns herself in enough booze first, and even then, most of what she says isn't even coherent.

So why do I even try? Why do I even care? Why am I the one that always feels so guilty for just feeling this way?

Don't go mistaking this, either, ok - I love her more than any other person on this ridiculous rock, but...at the same time...why? I can't find any kind of answer. Half of the time I just feel like set dressing for the grand ole show, just some background NPC for when she wants the entertainment of some hollow romance. The other half of the time I get to play the nanny, the maid, the babysitter - she always says, "it'll work itself out"- but it doesn't, it never "works itself out"- I work it out. I clean up the messes. I fix the problems. And I'd continue doing it cuz I care about her and I don't want anything to happen to her, but what the fuck? Why am I still bothering? I feel like I need to be able to answer that question and I want to be able to answer that question, and yet I can't fucking do it. And again, don't go mistaking this in like a - in a way that makes it seem... I still love her, I'm not saying that. Despite all the bullshit - and there is so

much more to it, by the way - but despite it all, I still love her and I can't stop loving her as mad as she makes me and as hard as she makes life sometime.

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Is that sad? Is that pathetic? Or is it cruel? Am I the real bitch here, cuz I could use an outside opinion for once...

Everyone deserves love, right? I've heard that plenty of times from plenty of people before, and if it is true, then do I not deserve someone better?

No, wait, I don't mean it like that - that seemed...mean...

I thought transitioning would make life a little easier for me, I really fucking did. I trusted the "it gets better" campaign, the positive messages of activists and organizations alike, and I patiently waited my turn for the smallest piece of the pie - any pie, I didn't care. And all it's done is ruin me.

Friends?

Gone.

Family?

Gone.

Career?

Gone.

I don't get to be like Vi. I don't get to ever keep anything. I don't get to say that I haven't really lost anything in my transition like she does. She even gets to move up in the world, gets treated like she's welcome in it, gets to feel like she belongs in it. And I get to lose absolutely everything without gaining anything in its absence. Still, she's the one who gets to be salty all the fucking time. She's the one who has a botched suicide and gets to be pampered like a princess, while the rest of us get carted off to some psych ward and drowned in medical debt because we don't show signs of "getting over it." Fuck her. She picked one of the best lots in the drawing and doesn't appreciate a fraction of it. Fuck her. Fuck her depression. Fuck her for getting served happiness on a silver platter and just taking it for granted. You know how much I would give to have her life - how much so many people would probably give to have her life? And she tosses it aside, doesn't even have the concern of trying to enjoy it.

And I'm feeling guilty again. I don't want to be this much of a bitch and I know happiness is not some destination or goal you can force yourself or anyone else into, but still... if she can't find happiness...what chance do I have? I've been able to claw my way into a new career path that seems promising, but aside from Vi, it's all I have in my life to rely on. I'm in my 30's and I have nothing to show for it.

Why can't I be the one in trouble for once and get some help through it? Why is no one ever willing to help me when I'm in the process of falling? Why do I always have to catch myself? Is falling and climbing back up alone over and over what I really deserve?

Fuck...