The three of us went inside and before I could lock the door, Papa had already leapt onto his beloved couch with sighs of relief booming throughout the house, leaving Kyrie and I standing there giggling to ourselves.
Finally, for the first time, I can have a friend to play with. It must be dumb to think something small could be such a miracle, but I don’t care. This amazing feeling is so wonderful that I can’t seem to stop smiling. To be honest, it was hurting a bit.
“So this is yer home, huh? Lot smaller than I thought.”
“But it’s super cozy.”
“Bet. So honest question, is your old man always like this?”
“Hm?”
“Like he’s way less scary than I expected, right Ani?”
“Um. Who’s Ani?”
“An important friend. I told ya already, Oh!” All of a sudden, Kyrie straightens up, holding her head as if she’s having a headache. “Okay okay, sorry. You know I’m just jokin’ right.” Then she pauses for a couple seconds, staring into space. “Fine. Princess.”
“Y-yeah?”
Hold on before that. Princess? When did I become part of royalty? Why am I suddenly heiress to a kingdom that doesn’t exist? Huh?!
“Ani is more than a friend. She’s kinda like your Papa to you.”
Okay, guess we’ll just ignore it then.
“So, the friend in your head is your mom?”
“Oooh yeah, that’s perf-. Argh! Fine! I get it. I get it. She ain’ my mum. You may be my bestie, Ophi, but Ani is like, I dunno, a different kind of best friend. A super mega close bestest comrade for life.”
I wonder if I should even dive more into it. Nothing she just said made any sense at all and only made it more confusing.
“I-I see. I think I get it.”
I, in fact, did not understand it all, but since my head is hurting so imaginarily or not, this voice is important to her and that’s all that matters.
If I had to guess, though, I think Ani is a romantic partner.
“See, I told ya the Princess understands.”
Just going to move on from that. Why not Ophi like Papa? Then again only Papa calls me that, but…it’s not like I hate it or anything. Guess I might as well own the title and not rock the waters.
“So uh. What do ya wanna to do now?”
Not to be rude, but may I suggest a shower? I just cleaned the floors this morning and rather not clean them again, but I probably have to.
“I dunno about you, but I could go for more of that thing ya made.”
Kyrie sniffs the air with a hungry look in her eye, then turns to my sparkling clean kitchen. She takes a step towards it and I had a traumatic flash related to hygiene.
Just the thought of her staining any of my prized utensils ignited a dread so fierce that my hesitation was gone. Getting them dirty wasn’t really the issue, I mean, that’s kinda why you have dishes but the fact I wanted her to have the full experience of my hard work and passion without smelling like month-old moldy clothes.
“Wait!” I yelled, stopping her in place before Kyrie could take a step. “Wait right there. Papa!”
“Uh hess dear.” Papa answers with a wave of his hand.
“Makes sure she doesn’t move, please.”
“Roger that, Capitan!” Papa rose from his couch ominously wagging his butt, staring intensely at my new friend like she’s a delicious pile of meat.
“Wait ho-.”
“Not. A. Muscle. Grrrrr!” Papa growls.
“I-I’ll be right back. So don’t go anywhere.”
“Right,” Kyrie sighs as the grown man, or at least I like to think he was, continues to growl, “Like I have a choice.”
As bad as I felt about leaving her with Papa, I’m sure that anyone would agree that her bath was a requirement at this point. I swung open my closet to get my fancy hose, my basket of fancy flower-scented soaps and my always faithful yet comfy lawn chair. I grab a pair of my jammies along with some light clothes to wear under them, leaving them on my bed.
“Sweetie, do you need help?” I heard Papa call out from outside.
“No! I’m okay.”
“Hey Princess, is all this real—.”
“Just a moment longer, please.” I reply.
“At least tell of yer dad to stop growlin’.”
“Papa, stop being so rude.”
“As you command, my princess.”
Oh don’t you start Papa.
I unfold the chair and put all my items on top of it so that I could do it all in one trip but ran into a little insy winsy problem. This wasn’t because I lacked exercise at all, yep, surely not that. But the darn chair wouldn’t leave my closet at all, like it was glued to the ground or something. I tug and tug, but it just would not budge and made a loud slamming out every time I try moving it.
“You okay in there?” Papa asks.
“I’m fine!” I yell back.
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
“Ya sure?” Kyrie chimes in.
“Positive!”
I felt a bit panicked with each yank as my chair just refuses to budge. Side to side and back and forth without the chair showing any signs of leaving my closet.
Maybe a spirit caught onto it, I thought before giving it one last yank, causing me to fall back on my butt back into the hall. There was supposed to be a big pain as I embraced it, but nothing.
Maybe I developed my strengthening powers in a dire situation. I hoped, but realistically, I could guess what happened.
“So lil lady, lookin’ like yer gonna need some assistance. May I.” When I open my eyes to look up, Papa sat shielding me from the wall with his body.
“Damn, your ol’ man got some moves. Can’t believe someone beat me to it.” When I turned to my side, Kyrie stood with open arms as if she was trying to catch me.
“Looks like I’m a wee hair faster than yer pet here.”
“I swear to that bastard god if ya call me that again.”
“Why would you swear to someone so pitiful? If any deity you should subscribe to, it should be the true lord.”
“Oho? Who?”
You ever get that feeling you get when something goes so well that it, well, it blows up in your face. That’s what I felt when trapped in a corner by these two.
“Obviously, it should be one who can cleanse the soul like no other. Bless your home with tranquility and fill thine stomach with a delicacy for beyond one’s palatable imagination.”
He couldn’t possibly mean what I think he meant, right?
It definitely wasn’t gonna be the person who cooks and cleans around here, right?
Right?!
“Papa no!” I yelled despite knowing there was no stopping Papa once he got going.
“Opheliaius Akachitia. The rarest and lest not forget the most endearing of all the gods.”
“Oho!” Kyrie exclaims, slamming her fist onto her palm like she had made a big discovery. “A modern supreme being unlike any other. Ani seems curious too about this new deity, so we agree to this religious conversion for,” she then shot me a devilish-looking smile, “research purposes.”
“Guys, it’s not funny.”
“Of course, not dear,” I look up and Papa had the same expression as my new friend but with a hint of creepy wiggling fingers added for maximum smug energy, “We’re 100% serious, right Girly?”
“I am ready to convert head priest.” Kyrie kneels down, praying to me.
“Newfound followers sing our hymns to appease our lord goddess.”
“Roger,” And right on cue she pauses once again, “Ani says she agrees too.”
Why am I a lord now? Wouldn’t it be lordess? Also, wasn’t I a goddess first. No, wait! What am I thinking, I’m just a regular person.
As Kyrie sang, which could only be compared to the regurgitation inside a garbage disposal in our sink from the pits of a dumpster, a thought set me at ease. Earlier I had hoped these two would get along, but never did I think they would be so in sync to this degree and honestly it left me feeling like I was prey cornered by two teasing goofs. As annoying as it was to be on the butt end of the joke, it was nice for the house to be noisier.
“Fine fine. I’m a goddess and my first decree: you Kyrie Testimon? Testamant? Kyrie T needs a shower.”
Kyrie stops her dancing and looks around as if she wasn’t the one who needs it most, even dumbfoundedly pointing to herself.
“Yes. You.”
She backs away, but before she can take her third step, Papa blocks her path.
“Where are you going? Girly.” Papa blipping around and disappearing all over the place was normal for me but a stranger seeing it for the first time would be scary. If I look carefully, I can see how he moves, but it’s not like I can do anything about it either way so I just ignore it.
“Let’s talk this out.”
“Papa. Grapple mode on!”
“Buh-ark.” Papa barks, immobilizing her with a hug.
“Okay, let me just get the ch-,” and the chair was already inside the bathroom. , “-air.”
Typical Papa.
“It was stuck on one of your jammies, so I got it for you.”
“Papa!”
“What?”
“Not in front of my friend.”
“Well, I figured if she’s gonna live here, then let her know about all your habits ahead of time.”
“Hold everythin’ up!” In sync, we turn to her with our full attention. “Why am I livin’ here alluva sudden?”
“Do you have a home?”
I figured with her being so dirty and hungry that she didn’t have anywhere else to go.
“Well…”
“Then why can’t you stay here?”
“Princess, for a moment didja ever think that I could be dangerous or out to get you.”
Papa scoffs before howling from his gut. “You. A threat? Pfft HAHAHA!”
“Don’t be rude Papa.”
“Sorry, but it’s hilarious. the thought of this little pup thinking they’re any sort of threat. Bwahahaha!”
“Im getting’ real sick of ya talkin’ bout me like I’m an animal.”
“I don’t like it either, Papa. You can keep calling her Girly since you like nicknames.”
“Fine, but only since Ophi asked so nicely.”
During this entire conversation, Kyrie is still being bound by Papa, but I think she kind of forgot about it. Actually, a better way of describing it is that she quickly got extremely comfortable with him and didn’t bother escaping, even after Papa loosened his grip. It was like he was hugging her, and it honestly made me feel a little envious.
“Granted,” Papa let go of Kyrie to come over to hug me just like he did for her earlier, “You are more of a cause of concern than those so-called P.A of theirs, but I mean it’s like comparing a pinky to a pointer finger. Ones obviously bigger but compared to me, not by much.”
“What’s a P.A?” My guess was that it was some kind of fruit like pong apricones or some other combination.
“I’ll tell you after you two gremlins take a shower. First day outside and you get this filthy Ophi. I’m heartbroken.”
“Papa, what are yo-.” My nose finally notices my stomach curdling coming from my clothes like a wave of nausea and, as usual, Papa bore his infuriating, smug grin, orchestrating the whole thing. “Papa!”
“Oho, who’s the little stinkies who need a bath? Oh, that’s right, you two!” He mockingly points at us. I wanted to give a snarky retort since he should’ve dirty too, but when I see that, his spotless coat shimmering, I stop arguing.
Before either of us could get a word in, Papa shoves both of us inside the washroom and shuts it tight from the outside.
“I want to see every hair strand shine.”
Not gonna dignify him with a response. Now…what do I do?!
I turn to my friend and must admit there was no way I expected what would happen next. Kiki, the loud and proud, think later type while sometimes manic from what little I know, was now cowering in the corner underneath our sink holding onto to pipe like her life depended on it.
“Um Kyrie, what’s wrong?”
“Nope, can’t do it.”
“Do what?”
“That!” Kyrie points to the barrel of water I heated up earlier. “T-t-t-theres now way I can deal with that.”
Just to be clear, that was just a normal barrel of hot water that Papa and I use all the time. Papa likes to upgrade things, but he refuses to do anything with the bath and leaves it in a ‘simple’ aesthetic. I really didn’t think one way or the other as long as I got to be clean.
“It’s just water.”
“Boilin’ water. Are ya tryin’ to cook me alive? Nope, now way. I lived it once and I ain’t going back! I’m outta here.” Kyrie storms over, grabbing the doorknob trying to yank it off, but it didn’t budge at all. When I looked down, there was a shadow on the other side of the door.
Ah. Papa…