— Hmm...
— What's the matter?
— I am going to break the timeline and change POV in order to make the story better. Is this a good idea, Heart?
— I think, you will regret it.
— Heh, when have I not regret? Anyways, here is a "forward-back": ...
----------------------------------------
I have an eternity to spend on...! And what would I spend it on? Why do I still remember all the knowledge that the Observer gathered?
Maybe it's time for me to talk to myself and refresh my memory?
My memory...
I have a family...
「HAVE?」
I had a family: mother, grandmother, sister, who is younger by a year, and brother, younger by eight. As well as uncles, aunts, and other relatives. To all of them, I was someone outstanding, someone capable of great things.
「OUTSTANDING?」
No, not at all. I just liked the natural sciences. I could study Wikipedia for a long time, shutting myself off from the outside world. I was just interested in it, and I was pretty good (if not to say #1) at everything I was interested in: chemistry, biochemistry, various fields of biology, astronomy, physics... I don't remember any more. My books were here and there. I enjoyed reducing the uncertainty. I often broke into a scream when everyone was in the way. I hated vagueness, imprecision, and uncertainty. And when my family wanted something vague from me, I could burn the whole world with my hatred. I found comfort in all sorts of things: cooking, music, video games, "Japanese culture", memes...
But no, I had to be a "smart boy"! «You must be a good chemist/doctor/pharmacologist!» they hoped. To some extent, it gave me confidence. However, I had to stop studying physics in order to devote more time to my education. Because they were hoping for me. Yes, everyone was hoping for me! The whole world was hoping for me!
「HOPE?」
I didn't care about their hopes. I myself did not rely on anyone, I always did everything on my own. I didn't need anyone else's help with my own business. I was doing fine without them!
「LIE.」
「DEEDS?」
I passed all the exams ahead of schedule, as an extern, became the almost youngest doctor [1] of chemical sciences in nation, but I do not remember neither the educational institution nor my age at that time. Was my family glad for me? I would like to remember that.
One of the most uncertain phenomena for me was death. I have spent quite a large part of my life studying death, its prerequisites, causes and consequences.
After I was assigned a laboratory, I immediately set about my favorite thing: I began to research and experiment. I knew exactly what could easily kill a particular creature. After only a year (or so) of working in the local laboratory, which is far from new, Rospatent [2] has already registered my universal powerful pesticide that is safe for humans. Its formula was also not kept in my memory. Mhm, it was really cumbersome. Probably, a complex one?
It is very hard for me to accept the fact of memory loss. It is called... anamnesia? No, amnesia, exactly. Except, in this place it feels especially strange. This is all so wrong...
The income from the royalty [3] was large enough to provide a comfortable life for the whole family. But that was not enough for me! (I mean knowledge, not money.) I continued my studies, becoming a doctor of biological sciences, and later of medical sciences. My specialty was... Why can't I remember?! Why do my memories disappear?!
After finishing my eduaction, I had nothing to do, but one day people in gray suits and with metal diplomatic cases knocked on our door. They introduced themselves as people "from the government". These people offered me a new laboratory, my own team of science staff, and an interesting job to do for a fabulous sum of money!
Well, I agreed, because there was no reason to refuse at all, and there were plenty of reasons to accept it: my grandmother dreamed of an antique store in Moscow, my mother wanted a normal car, my sister needed an apartment, and my brother was eager to go to Japan to become "mega-popular", foolish...
The building was large, shiny graphite gray, surrounded by a steel grating, with a jagged and sharpened "palisade". I knew it wasn't really decorative. Instead of the usual security booth with a barrier, there was an underground checkpoint with armed men in urban camouflage. I was escorted by people in gray suits, so that I would not get lost in the snow-white, polished maze of science with a lot of doors. My new lab was more like an indoor landfill, but it wasn't spacious. Not at all, the whole lab was equipped with the latest technology! My joy was unlimited.
For a long time, no instructions were received from the "government". I didn't think it was a bad thing. I was always very lazy and then I was happy that I got money for nothing. Up until one day.
That virus was found on December 31, 2019 in... somewhere in Africa? Or in China? Maybe in India? So... Because of the peculiarities of the course of the disease and its high contagiousness, it was called "peacekiller", as an antonym for "peacemaker". Instant isolation of a vast territory of several countries (which ones, by the way?) was able to contain the spreading.
Huh, world peace has indeed been killed. Especially if we take into account consequences of the short Fourth World War, which lasted almost the entire February of 203█. It was more like how countries were showing off with artillery calibers and the mass of non-nuclear warheads. They could already bring railguns and lasers, but no! They used "good old" weaponry...
In many countries where there were places of concentration of craters from explosions, many lakes began to appear. They also scared away all the animals! The increased humidity led to an invasion of insect pests, and the absence of natural enemies made it possible for every rodent to take over the fields... Why the f███ do I remember THAT so well?!
My pesticide handled this problem very well: famine in the world has been avoided. Yep, I would not want the price of simple vegetables, fruits and bread to go straight to the moon due to that, because it would hit my family's budget.
However, owing to the early invasion of those annoying saprophytes, the "peacekiller" broke out of the quarantine zones: as it turned out, many insects and small rodents were its carriers. Well, at least it did not mutate so suddenly...
Long time after this incident, "peacekiller" was brought to my lab in a sealed capsules by men in gray suits. They ordered us to make a weapon out of it... Not directly, of course. They said something like: «Do the research and record the results of the experiments. If it becomes more contagious or lethal, mark the data as particularly valuable. Create a counteraction measure, or medicine. The main thing is not to make it uncontrollable.». My "dear colleagues" nodded silently. Maybe I was paranoid due to lack of sleep..? Yes, quite possibly.
It was then that I fancied myself a "hope of humanity". I've already saved the world from famine, haven't I? At that moment, I was still not fully aware of my paranoidality and pretentiousness. I did not save anyone. «I had no hope for myself», uh-huh. I was a fool. It is strange that it was at such a late age. Late? No, I was relatively young, given the leap in human life expectancy in the 30s.
I was working on a vaccine in secret from the other staff, but I was not alone. The only person I could trust was J ... Jho... Jeff? Damn, I can't remember a single name! He emigrated from the United States to Russia because of the riots in his hometown. His own house, as well as the laboratory at the local research institute, was badly damaged by arsons, so he moved. I introduced him to my family. Something happened and I became his brother-in-law and uncle to my twin nephews. Oh... So, he was there for a plenty of time, 10 years at least.
I haven't heard from my brother yet. It's like he's forgotten we exist. For sure, he enjoyed "mega-popularity".
Thinking of my brother and his departure for Japan, I felt that I was getting tired of web novels, and went to the city library to get something Russian fantasy on paper, so to speak. On I-don't-remember-what day of an abnormally hot October, I met there a lonely old man who would have been perfect for the role of Grandfather Frost.
He was watching the videos of amateur science experiments with an obvious sadness. I felt the same. I had adjusted my simple rectangular glasses, walked over to the next table, and sat down at it. I glanced at the screen, at the old man, sighed, and said:
— Oh, it's too late to do any experiments and write down the results: the world is going to end soon anyway... — I mumbled the other part, — because "it" is still spreading, and I'm sitting here instead of working on... Nah, it doesn't matter.
The old man turned to me abruptly, almost instantly.
— Excuse me? Oh, I know you. You are E████ A██████n, the youngest doctor of three scientific branches at the same time, now you investigate the virus "Peacekiller" in the "Graphite" research facility.
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Was I really a doctor of three at once? Nonsense, not otherwise! Or was I?
Then I interrupted him:
— I used to investigate it. Right now I'm busy with some... other thing. And I see you like science?
— Yes, I have devoted all my time to knowing the mysteries of the Universe...
I laughed, which didn't sit well with the other two library users. Scientist or not, the library had to be kept quiet, even if there were only a few people in it. And that was what I liked in libraries the most.
— Excuse me, but you just said it as if you were really getting to know them while sitting here. And I'm no better: maybe the whole world is hoping for me right now, but I'm talking to you being here, not at the laboratory. Being a scientist means making sacrifices. Sacrifice your own ambitions for knowledge, or sacrifice knowledge for the other people's ambitions... Everyone has their own methods of knowing the world around them. I gave up both ambition and knowing new for the sake of a "bright future" long ago. Don't listen to me, these are just empty words. After all, foolish people will never defeat their past selfs. You should know exactly what I am talking about. Tsk, again philosophizing from lack of sleep...
Too pretentious. I was talking all sorts of nonsense then. I hate myself for this. I am ashamed of the fact that I have always been something like a big child in the body of an adult. But... How could I change my nature?
— Your words impressed me, man. You are highly intelligent, I see. You know, I've always been limited in my methods, content to just observe. It was a perpetual pain.
«Just a "man"? Without "young"? Lacking of sleep, too? Strange praise. Pain? Yes, I can't imagine life without experiments as well.» —I thought then. Indeed, no one will tell another person that he is "highly intelligent". I didn't find it strange because the constant lack of sleep prevented me from soberly evaluating... everything?
Noise of moderately loud heavy electronic metal and vibration began to come from pocket of my trousers. That was alarm ringtone.
— Is that M███ G█████'s "TOTTFY"? — the old man asked. Why did he know about the existence of M███ G█████? Isn't that too unusual? And yet, then my brain gave out nothing but amazement: «Wow! This old man knows the "classics"»
— Yes. Well, I hope to see you again. It was a pleasure to talk to you, even though it only lasted about two minutes.
— 133 seconds, to be exact. Are you leaving already? — and at this moment, I didn't even pay attention to an accuracy of per-second countdown, comparable to a chronometer. What was happening to me?
— Unfortunately, yes. My Lab rule: "Every employee should have one checkup once a day, and two every other day." Biosecurity, and all that. Do you think this is pointless? They just let me out of the deadly infection research center if I submit a report on the examination in time.
— Hmm, indeed. The actions of authorities and self-governing bodies of this country are often questioned by people. I will wait for our next conversation here.
When I left the library and went to the research center, I came up with a non-standard thought for me: «Ha! What a weird old man... I won't lose much if I went to the library sometimes, and he will gain something. Elderly people demand attention. Hmm, how's my grandma...?»
After submitting my medical report late at night, I went to visit my sister. I don't remember her address, or how I got there. I wanted to see my nephews. I think my mom and grandma wanted to come too. Jeff (?) stayed at the research center, he had to finish additional reports.
I don't remember how that door looked, but I remember the doorbell sound clearly:
*DING-DONG*
— Here I am! Eh? Where is everyone? — good acting, as always.
I could hear those kids' whispering clearly.
— Hee-hee, uncle won't find us here for sure!
— He always finds. Remember how he found us by smell? He's not even a dog!
— Even if he doesn't find us, he always has some plan to get to us...
They always knew about my arrival in advance from their mother. They liked to hide in order to jump out suddenly when I would pass by their hiding place.
«I can also hear very well. And I really have a plan, heh-heh.»
The plan was simple: to lure them out with the rustle of a plastic bag. And they immediately got out. It was so funny.
«Too frivolous. They are so easy to read! Wait, they are just kids...»
A boy and a girl of the same height, 7-8 years old in appearance, got out from behind the sofa. My nephews... I don't remember why I always came to have fun with them. I miss them.
— What's there? Show us! Eh?! Mom, why?
I was holding an empty black garbage bag. The young woman just silently ran her finger on the phone, as if she had nothing to do with it. My sister has always been like this. Her name also began with "E", but I forgot it. Again.
— MUHAHAHAHA! Gotcha, exactly as planned! I'll hug you to death! "High-Thickness Beard Attack"!
These are the "attacks" I did for a certain reason. Something was bothering me as a scientist: «Yes, closer. Hmm, as I expected. Strange "golden hair" appears out of nowhere. One, two... There are now 4 of them on each head. What is it?»
— Our uncle is evil, Alex, — Masha said almost whimpering.
I remember their names. Although I called my nephews in my own way, Jeff called them in the American-English manner, so his children were used to calling each other in this way...
— No, Mary. He is an absolute villain!
Saved agriculture, work on a vaccine... Did I look like a villain? Well, my eyes-squint and facial hair could create such impression.
«Gha! Critical hit right on my confidence!»
— Why call me bad names? Actually, I have something else! — I turned to my sister. — I'll use your kitchen, may I?
— Uh-huh. Where's Jeff? — that question was impossible to avoid.
— He... He will stay at the center for some time to comply with reporting. Wait, he's calling me right now! I'll turn on the loudspeaker.
— Hello, E████. I'll be here for a long time. I was inundated with reports. [0]
«Russian, mazafaka, do you speak it?» — this phrase came up in my head every time I heard Russian language from Jeff. I never told him that... How many other missed opportunities have I had in my life?
Every time I made Jeff say some polysyllabic words it was turning out to be a memorable funny moment of him trying hard. I already miss such moments of my life. I will never be able to experience them again.
— You are inundated, not were. I will help you with half of your reports, but on one condition: say "[Russian polysyllabic word]".
— Hell no!
Through the phone I could hear one of researchers in the distance.
— Jeff, are you alright? Can I help you with, let's say, the half of your reports? Do not overwork.
— Well, I guess you don't need any help now. See ya tommorow!
— Hol' up, you mothe-..! — quick and precise movement of finger, rhythmic beeps. «No swearing in front of children!»
We sat for a while, I played with my nephews. And as soon as I stopped to take a rest, I heard an unexpected question:
— When will we see the younger uncle?
— Masha, do you want me to call him right now? Well, I'll do.
«I'll have to use Discord instead of a phone communication. It's weird, but he's online now. Isn't there a six-hour time difference between us?»
But what did he say to me when I called? No, some girl answered my call. And what did he say himself? I remember only a small part.
In short, my call was answered by my brother's wife. This had really surprized me. And how that whiner could became a seyuu?! Oh, I remember our last words of that talk:
— Could you tell me in advance what anime I will watch without sound? I don't really like whining characters.
— You're at it again...
I don't remember that much? I find it depressing. I often quarreled with my brother, but I never wanted to forget him.
In the afternoon, in the city library, you can again see a familiar picture: a young man with glasses, with black hair (and with 7 "golden" hairs), a thick, but short, neat, and soft, and at the same time prickly beard, talking with a bald elderly man, with a long, thick snow-white beard.
It was me and Observer, but then I had not known the origin of my conversationalist, and I still do not know the name. He probably never had one.
A! I can "switch" to the Observer's memory, so I can not to strain myself by digging into my memories.
— I was so busy last time that I didn't ask your name. How can I address you? — I loved polite speech, and I always tried to bring a polite tone to conversations even with my family. Thus, everything took on a more civilized aspect.
— Usually, the people around call me "old man". [4] — I considered it a small joke, as well as an unwillingness to disclose his name. This has not cause me any questions, except: «How many grandchildren does he have that he is always called grandpa?». In the modern world, privacy was very important.
«How many grandchildren does he have that he is always called grandpa? [4]»
They talked a lot and for a long time about different things: science, society, culture. I talked about myself too, as well as about my concerns.
— Scientists who specialize in the exact sciences have the most difficult time keeping a healthy mind. To do this, they were engaged in creative activities. Kovalevskaya, for example, as a mathematician, wrote a lot of literature, and did it in her own way. The scientific idea behind "Kampen för Lyckan, tvänne paralleldramer of K. L." is interesting — the theory of the contrast between the predetermination of human fate and the fact that there are moments in life when you can choose your own path. But I can't do that, because I've never had a chance like this before...
Thanks to Observer's memory, I can know his thoughts and feelings. When I learned about the nature of Observer, I have not question his existence. This is as stupid as denying... The truth? There is not much to compare it with.
«It's a pity that I'll get that chance in the next Universe, and E████ won't. However...»
— Your thoughts are too dark. Did not you choose the path of sacrifices straight to knowledge when you started investigating the virus?
— Never! To keep your ambitions and gain knowledge, you need to sacrifice your life. In most cases, one's own is not enough. Do I really look like someone who would sacrifice anything or anyone?
The further I "refresh my memory", the stronger shame burns me. Or did all the people talking like that?
Anyway, the Observer not answer that question. He had seen surgeons of the past were finding out the location of internal organs. Their patients could not be called anything but "sacrifices for the good".
— Oh, never mind. What do you think of "pure reason"? [5] Can such thing exist? — I asked suddenly. And yet, Observer answered immediately.
— It is impossible to know anything without being aware of it. "A priori" [6] knowledge is impossible without the presence of empirical experience, "a posteriori" [7] knowledge.
— Ho, is that so? What about the root cause of the causes? What then, is it impossible to know the transcendental [10], let alone such transcendent [9] concepts as God and other metaphysical [8] nonsense, without what was "a priori"? And neither observation, nor experiment, nor other components of the empirical cycle can answer the question of the origin of Everything...
— What a pity. — we sighed with vexation together, at the same time.
«I canot tell you about Him. This will cause irreparable changes in this Universe, albeit on a microscopic scale.»
No, you could. You simply did not.
«Outside of the system of pure reason [11], the only thing I can do is to observe the result of an experiment, but there is no experiment that shows me the transcendent... No! I am a scientist, not a philosopher! I don't care about such speculations. Although, we've been discussing this for so long already...»
Yeah, of course "don't care". Actually, that was quite interesting.
The silence didn't last long, as it was broken by the music, which the librarian had long since tired of.
— Check-ups should not be done that often, don't you think?
— Biological safety is very important. Especially at the present time.
— I agree, — unexpectedly, I felt a craving for sweet things, and thus... — You once mentioned that you were a gourmet, right? You know, tomorrow I would like to discuss with you the latest developments in biotechnology used in confectionery. I think you will find this interesting.
— I think so. See you later, — this was the first time that the Observer broke his neutral tone of speech with a pinch of joy.
But neither tomorrow, nor the day after, nor the day after, did I come.