“I am not helping you with that one.” Lilith said with no small amount of distain.

“I might know the man, but count me out on the summoning as well.” Hel added.

Irina and Alexei both frowned, and said, “I'm afraid this one is all yours.”

I sighed, but didn't press the issue. I could understand their reflectance in helping, and I wasn't pleased with what I had to do.

After all, it wasn't my idea of a good time spending the next few hours shovelling dog shit from various parks, and finding a vast array of road kill. Suffice to say, Alexei did not offer to let me borrow his car for this one, but he did agree to pay for the clean up that my own car desperately needed after everything was done.

Six hours, three bags containing various animal droppings and a few deer corpses later, I was ready to preform the ritual needed to summon the ancient god. I told the others to meet me in a secluded part of a national park, and after Irina put up the necessary wards to dissuade any potential passer bys, I went on with the summoning.

“So you guys ready?” I asked, after triple checking that everything was in order. The last thing I wanted was to botch up the summoning, which although wouldn't exactly be lethal for the people present, would mean that I had to reacquire all of the summoning materials over again... which was, in my opinion, much worse than death. At least Hell smelled ok.

“Ready when you are!” Lilith shouted with glee.

I nodded and proceeded with caution. The summons, like all summons in general, required something to bring the attention of the being that was being called to attention; that being the corpses and droppings I relunctantly acquired. However, unlike summoning beings from Hell, getting the attention of a god was in some respects easier and harder than the more traditional demon summoning. It's easier because all you needed to do was actually get the being's attention so that he would show up. It's harder because... well, you need to get the damn being's attention so that he would show up.

See, unlike demons who were compelled to show up when you start shouting their True Names around, a god could pretty much ignore you unless they felt like it, and gods, as I've learned over the many years of existence, don't feel like doing much of anything. I had given up trying to more conventional means of summoning after the five minute mark, resorted to pleading and promises by the ten minute mark, and after half an hour, coupled with no small amount of verbal abuse and threats, I soon realized that this particular ancient diety was like all the other ones. That is to say, lazier than even the worst sloth demon, and didn't have even the common decency to even acknowledge that he heard us. That damn bastard. I was about to give up, but after remembering the amount of work I put in to get to this stage, I was not about to let all that work gathering the damn shit go to waste!

Thankfully Hel intervened before I ran out of marvellously rude things to say about Mixcoatyl's mother and her sexual tendencies.

“I'm pretty sure that you already have his attention, Mark, and I doubt that he'll be willing to lend you a hand if you keep insulting his mother, which, by the way, is a goddess of infant mortality. I don't think she'd even be bothered by half the things you've said. I'd even hazard to guess that you might even be correct about some of her fetishes, not that Mixcoatyl cares to hear such things.”

I really didn't need to know that part, nor I didn't realize that I actually had the attention of the Aztec god. But I did realize that my creative use of the English language, and several others besides, was not getting me anywhere, so I allowed Hel to have a try at summoning the bugger.

“Fine,” I said, “You get him to show up.”

Hel just smiled, turned around, and whispered something under her breath. Within a second, a huge gust of wind picked up, and standing beside Hel was a panicked Aztec god begging Hel to keep her mouth shut. Well, whatever dirt she had on him, it must be pretty bad. I'm impressed. What I am not impressed about is that she was willing to let me kill my vocal cords and my abundant vocabulary of particularly nasty insults for half an hour before she did the senseable thing.

Like I said, gods and goddesses are assholes like that.

The man, or god in his case, looked normal enough; he was distinctly South American in appearance, of average build, and decent looking if he cared to clean up his appearance. He was, however, definitely not dressed in any of those feathery dresses that the books got him in. Instead, he was wearing an old tie-dyed t-shirt, and a pair of sweatpants, and sporting some impressive looking frizzy brown hair. He didn't look very imposing, even with the wicked looking spear he's holding.

After a few moments of quiet whisperings amongst Hel and Mixcoatl, the Aztec deity finally calmed down, and addressed the rest of us.

He cleared his throat, and said, “Uh, right. This is certainly not how normal summonings go, so uh, what can I do for you guys? Actually, what the hell are you people anyway? And for the record, insulting my mom's totally not cool.”

Everyone looked at the god with a look of bemusement. I don't think anyone expected the mighty Aztec hunter to be so... quite like this. Although Hel didn't look too surprised.

Irina was the fight to speak up, “Well, hello I guess. I'm Irina, this is my husband Alexei, my dear friend Mark, the Succubus Lilith, and Helen you've already met.”

Stolen novel; please report.

“The demon Lilith?” The god beamed.

“Demoness.” She answered with a wink.

“Cool, I always wanted to meet you. I heard all the stories.”

“Hope they're all good.”

“You bet! Some the gods are still whispering your name at night. But uh, let me get this straight, we have... one of the biggest players in Hell, two Elder Wraiths if I'm not mistaken, always thought you guys kicked the bucket a few thousand years ago though,” Alexei and Irina nodded response to his inquiry, “A Norse goddess, and... actually, what are you, man?”

Before I could answer, Lilith interrupted, “Wait, you're a Norse goddess?”

Hel just shrugged.

“What, you guys didn't know that?” Mixcoatyl asked.

“I didn't tell them. On purpose.” She answered, glaring at the god.

“Oh... uh, sorry?”

Hel sighed and shook her head in response, “Well, I guess there is no reason to keep the façade up any longer. Yes, I'm not actually Helen, although I do prefer that name. You probably know me as Hel, daughter of Loki, and keeper of the Norse underworld.”

“Damn!” Lilith remarked, “You're a hotshot! Why were you even hiding that?”

“I do not like attracting attention.”

“Yeah, like, me neither.” Mixcoatyl added, turning his attention back to me, “But uh, like I was saying, uh, what exactly are you. You gotta me some kinda god or something, if you're hanging with this crowd. Is this like, a party? You know, you could have just sent me an invite, instead of doing this whole summoning thing.”

“Er, like Irina said, I'm Mark, and...” I take a second to actually think about what I am, since it seems that I'm not entirely a demon nor an angel any longer, but after realizing that I had no idea what that actually is, I just went with the safe option, “I'm also known as the archdemon Barbas, Barabas, Marbas, and a whole bunch of other pseudonoms over the years.”

“Huh, you don't smell like demon royalty, or a demon at all really, although I do get a bit of Hell's scent on you. It's mixed with something else though... can't put my finger on it.” Mixcoatyl said, before shrugging, “Whatever, I'll take your word for it, seeing your friends and all. So... why am I here again?”

“Right,” Irina answered, “You've been called to locate a girl for us.”

“That wouldn't be the crazy bitch ripping holes in the fabric of space and time, would it?”

“Although I wouldn't put it that way, but you are essentially correct, Mr. Mixcoatyl.”

“Just call me Mike, all my buddies call me that nowadays. And I already found your girl.”

“You did?” I asked, my voice betraying my surprise.

“Yeah man,” Mike answered flatly, “did you think I was smoking pot while some crazy ass person's going around destroying the universe?”

Yes.

But I didn't vocalize my answer to that question, and thankfully none of the others did either.

“So, you can get us to her, then?” Irina continued.

“No can do.”

“But you said you found her!”

“And I did, but just 'cause I found her don't mean anyone can actually get to her. She's like, in between realities. She somehow holed herself between the boarder of this universe and the next one. Hell if I know how anyone's supposed to get there. The other gods are in the same pickle.”

“Did you try telling the Angels?”

Mike raised an eyebrow in question, “Why would I? Those bible thumpers are annoying little shits, and they're like, doing a good job fixing the bits your crazy girl's wrecking. The other major gods know though.”

“And they're not doing anything to stop them? I'm sure that some of the gods and goddesses can access the space between universes.”

“They can, but like, they can't take enough gods there with 'em. And if Hermes is right, that bitch on the other side is like, nuts man. She's blasting anyone who gets in with a whole lot of power, nasty stuff, so the gods are just fiddling their thumbs right now.”

“Ok...” I interrupted, “what if we found a way to get between dimensions, can you lead us to her then?”

“Sure man, no problem. So like, you got some kinda way to get there?”

“Not yet.” I answered reluctantly. “But I will soon.”

“Right, bro... But like, you better make it quick, 'cause the big shots in each pantheon are about ready to try anything to stop the universe from like, collapsing, and when they get desperate... shit's gonna hit the fan.”

“Wonderful...” I mutter.

“Want me to like, stick around? You guys seem like a cool bunch, and it'll get me away from my mom for a while. That woman be crazy, man.”

I turned at the others, looking for any clue as to what to do, but only blank faces returned my gaze. Great, it looks like it's up to me to make the decision. Well, I did insult Mike's mother, and I do need the guy's help, so I couldn't tell him to bugger off. He seemed harmless enough, plus it's not like I had any reason to tell him to leave.

Ah fuck it, I'll let the stoner stay. I told the man that we were going back to Alexei's place. Whether he joined us or not was up to him. Unfortunately for me, he chose to follow.