I rounded up the usual suspects, and we spent the next several days getting ready for the attack. Four days wasn’t a lot of time to prepare an entire kingdom for an assault, but we gave it our best try, and I used every witchy trick in the book to prepare.
“Like this?” Asked a soldier as he poured boom-boom juice into a barrel. I nodded, moving along the line of soldiers and civilians we’d recruited to help. Cassian, recognizing I was working on a plan to save Praedones, had donated a quarter of the royal knights to assist us with our work, and many of the townsfolk even pitched in, too. We weren’t able to finish everything I wanted to get done, but it was the best we could do, given the time limit.
The other armies started trickling in on the morning of the second day, and by the fourth, everyone had arrived. Standing in my upper-story room and staring out at the countryside, it was almost impossible to see the ground. There were so many people, so many different banners and nations, so many people that wanted us dead.
The sun was beginning to set when a small detachment of soldiers headed by LDB and Abe arrived at the front gate of the castle. We’d cobbled together a new gate with whatever scraps we had lying around, but it probably wouldn’t hold back anything besides the wind, and only if it was a slight breeze. “Alright, who’s ready to be brutally murdered?” called out LDB from the other side of the wall. “If you surrender now, we promise to only murder you a little.”
“How do you only murder someone a little?” Asked Ellie as we stood on the castle rampart and stared down at LDB and his men.
Princess Melane’s hands flashed green. “I can think of a couple of ways,” she said, eyeing LDB like he was a fish she couldn’t wait to gut and grill.
All of us, meaning myself, Thomas, Ellie, Melanie, and King Cassian, stood atop the rampart along with dozens of Praedonian soldiers. We stared down at LDB, Abe, and the armies behind them.
“Lord DripBussin,” called out Cassian in his loud, booming voice. “I’m sorry my daughter wasn’t marriage material, but did you really have to go through all this trouble to wipe out my kingdom? This is the third or fourth time you’ve tried to destroy us.”
“She’s just not into you, dude,” I called out teasingly.
LDB’s face turned scarlet. Next to him, I saw Abe flash me a meaningful look. “What ‘s your decision?” his eyes seemed to ask.
I shook my head ever so slightly and whispered, “No.”
Abe’s expression immediately darkened, and his entire body tensed. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to leap onto the rampart and throttle me. I took a step back as I was bathed in his bloodlust. Whether or not he thought I was magical, the dude was beyond pissed at my decision not to join him. Being a powerful mage and a bratty 12-year-old, I assumed he was used to getting his way and didn’t like the alternative.
“I don’t care about Melanie’s rejection; she’s not even that hot anyways,” spat LDB, causing me to tear my eyes away from Abe’s murderous glower. “What I do care about,” he snarled, “is that Praedones is harboring a witch, a necromancer, and a dragon! That’s a threat to my nation and every other kingdom in Europe. You have to be squashed like bugs before you become a greater threat.”
Cassian leaned over and whispered, “Is everyone ready?” He asked, reaching out for Melanie’s hand and squeezing it.
“Not really,” we all whispered in unison.
“Absolutely!” replied Melanie, smiling evilly at LDB.
Despite the fact we were all probably about to die in a few minutes, the whole situation felt strangely freeing. For the first time since I’d wound up in the Middle Ages, I didn’t have to worry about finding a way back home; I just had to concern myself with not being killed by a handsome Lord, a vengeful time mage, and several armies worth of enemy soldiers. Yeah, I know that doesn’t sound very freeing, but you’ll have to trust me on this: it was like a weight had been lifted off my petite and shapely shoulders. I was either going to survive this battle, or I was going to die, and I appreciated the simplicity.
Cassian strode across the rampart, facing inwards to his kingdom. “Brave soldiers of Praedones,” he boomed, eyes seeming to lock simultaneously with every knight watching below. “Invaders are at our doors yet again, but already, we’ve driven them back thrice.” Cassian pointed towards me and Melanie. With the might of our brave knights, the unbreakable spirit of our people, and the magic of the two most powerful spellcasters in all the land, let’s push back these invaders for a fourth and final time and achieve a peace that will last for over 1,000 years!”
Everyone cheered, myself included, getting swept up in all the bravado. Yeah, we got this…probably..not actually. But hey, at least we were all getting hype.
“So I take that as a no to surrendering?” called out LDB.
“Fire!” Shouted Cassian. In response, dozens of Praedones archers rained arrows on LDB and his men. The arrows came within inches of connecting but turned to dust as Abe lifted his hand and blasted them with magic.
LDB sighed, looking more annoyed than anything. “Let’s wrap this up; I’ve got a mustache waxing scheduled in an hour.” LDB raised a hand, and with a roar that shook the Earth, the enemy armies sprinted towards us, bloodlust in their eyes. The battle for Praedones had officially begun.
XXX
Our makeshift gate collapsed after only a couple of good whacks from the enemy soldiers, which I will now affectionally refer to as the Boujie Collective. We’d been prepared for this, the front gate being nothing more than a formality, and had already retreated off the rampart and further into the kingdom.
The collective began pouring into the city but was halted by massive ten-foot mounds of dirt, wooden beams, and gravel that we’d set up as defensive barriers around our gate. We’d basically set up enormous walls of junk to slow everyone down.
“Keep firing!” Shouted Cassian as we hunkered behind cover, and the archers continued to pepper the collective’s soldier with arrows. Some arrows hit, and the others either turned to dust or were flung back in our direction.
Abe led the charge into the city, casually holding up his hands and preventing us from harming the soldiers in his immediate area. He and the first wave of soldiers approached the large mounds of junk we’d set up to block their entrance. Now, we had known that piles of broken wood and gravel wouldn’t do anything to stop the armies, but by piling up several dozen feet of the stuff near the front gate, we’d created a chokepoint. The soldiers could only come in a few at a time, and the ones that did break through had to awkwardly scramble over the mounds of crap while wearing heavy armor, making them prime targets for us to attack.
“Come now, " called Abe, looking disappointed, “you call this a barrier?” He lifted his right hand, and the mounds of random crap became mounds of random dirt and dust. He and his men started to cough and sputter as thousands of pounds of soot and sediment suddenly flew up into the air, most of the junk mound still standing, albeit much dustier.
“Nice one, Thomas!” I said, giving him a rousing pat on the back, “That was a great idea!”
We’d spent the last several days brainstorming ways to defend the castle, and the number one concern we’d had was Abe. Normal soldiers could most likely be scared off by my remaining technology or fought off with Melanie’s zombies, but Abe wouldn’t be so easily countered, y’know because of having mastery over time and all.
I’d explained to the group that Abe had met with me the night before and that he’d briefly explained how his magic abilities worked. If what he’d told me was true, his left hand reversed time, and his right one sped it up.
“So the trick is to try overwhelming the little snot from multiple directions,” said Princess Melanie. “Even if he can manipulate time, he’s only got two hands.”
“That’s true,” added Ellie, “But we need to put him in a position where he needs to speed up and reverse things simultaneously, then we can attack him when he’s distracted.”
“But even if we do keep him distracted, there’s gonna be a huge army backing him up,” I chimed in, “It’ll be hard to separate him from his allies long enough to pin him down.”
We sat there in frustrated silence, unsure what to do. “What if we use Abe’s powers against him?” Suggested Thomas. “Since we know how his magic works, maybe we can manipulate him into blocking himself off from the rest of the army?”
With only three days left before the attack, we got the kingdom to work, hacking apart as many homes as possible and turning them into scraps for our slapdash barriers. At least they looked like barriers; in actuality, it was a trap waiting to be sprung.
I fist-bumped the air, relieved that it had worked. Since Abe’s time powers could turn things into useless piles of dirt and dust, we could use that against him and make his power work for us, both as a smokescreen and giant hundred-pound piles of debris. Dozens of voices cried out in pain as the collective’s soldiers continued to be filled with arrows. Now, they were blinded, choking on dust, and being funneled through a narrow path at the front gate.
Through the dust, I saw the glow of Abe’s hand, and the dust mounds started to quiver and shake, suddenly transforming before our eyes into wooden houses and then into massive oak trees. Several enemy soldiers had been scrambling over the mounds when Abe had used his magic, and they screamed indignantly as they shot into the air, now trapped on the tops of massive oak trees.
We’d been prepared for Abe to reverse time as well. If the bratty Time Mage aged our pile of junk, it turned into gargantuan piles of dust and debris, and if he reversed time, the collective would suddenly find themselves surrounded by houses, stone statues, and a literal forest.
As soon as the massive cluster of trees erupted in front of the gate, more archers appeared along the sides of the wall and fired down at Abe and his men. Through the narrow gaps between the trees, I saw Abe lift both hands, disintegrating the arrows on his right and reversing the ones on his left. Unfortunately for Abe’s companions, he could no longer protect them, and they were quickly filled with arrows. Abe grunted with frustration, quickly shot his left hand forward during a momentary lull in the attack, and disintegrated the tree closest to him, creating a path.
“Keep going!” He shouted, lifting both hands protectively as multiple soldiers ran up and encircled Abe with their shields. “They’re gonna run out of arrows eventually!”
I stared appreciatively at the massive barrier of trees Abe had accidentally made for us. Even if thousands of enemies were outside our castle walls, it’d now be way more difficult for them to even step foot into the kingdom. Time to contribute to the war effort.
“Witch magic!” I screamed, running towards the gaps in the trees and shining my flashlight in the enemy’s faces. They screamed, covering their faces and toppling back onto their allies, their bodies clogging up the line of soldiers even further.
Nearby, I heard a reptilian roar and could barely make out the fuzzy outline of a majestic dragon flapping its wings and breathing fire along the treeline. Thanks to potato power, I’d spent the last few days charging my phone and Bluetooth speaker back up to about a quarter of their full power, and it had been decided that Ellie would woman the special effects portion of this battle. In the light of the late afternoon sun, it was difficult to see our projector dragon. However, everyone could still hear the dragon roaring, and the shade of the trees helped to make it more visible.
“Can I has cheezburger!” A flash of green erupted within the forest, and I saw recently slain enemy knights rise to their feet and start attacking their former allies. The number of casualties in this fight had been low so far, so there weren’t a lot of corpses to work with, but in the narrow confines of the trees, the zombies could make quick work of any enemy soldiers they ran into, giving Princess Melanie resources to create even more zombies. I morbidly realized that the longer this fight lasted, the more zombies we could add to our ranks.
Of course, Abe was the natural enemy of our zombie army, but he and his group of soldiers were busy attempting to advance under our hail of arrow fire and had no time to deal with the zombies attacking the rest of the army. If Abe let his guard down for even a second, he’d resemble a pin cushion, so he wasn’t able to assist his comrades.
“Wow, we’re holding them off!” Shouted Thomas as he slashed his sword at one of the few enemy soldiers who had broken through our defenses. “If we keep this up, we might just be able to win!”
I felt my heart drop in my chest, “No, Thomas,” I shouted, “Don’t jinx us!”
Boom! Something big slammed into the castle wall; stone and mortar exploded, pelting us with rubble. “Catapults!” shouted Cassian as he drop-kicked two Collective soldiers that had been racing towards Melanie, “watch yourselves!”
The archers on the ramparts stumbled from the force of the impact, some of them falling several dozen feet to the ground with sickening crunches. Even worse, however, was that in the chaos, the arrows stopped firing, and Abe was finally given a brief reprieve from playing defense. “All of you are such pests!” Screamed Abe, his body beginning to pulse with blue energy. I didn’t know what that glow meant, but it couldn’t be good.
“Everybody back up!” I yelled, grabbing Ellie, and the two of us turned tail from the forest and sprinted back to the castle.
A wave of energy erupted out of Abe and bathed the battlefield in blue light. Fortunately, all of the main and supporting characters were able to avoid the blast, but many of our knights hadn’t been so lucky. Dozens of sets of armor clattered to the ground, and crawling out of the suits of metal were wailing infants. He’d turned all of those men into babies?! It would’ve been kind of cute if those babies hadn’t been responsible for protecting us.
“Now!” Shouted Cassian. Several explosions went off at the front gate of the castle. Hundreds of Collective soldiers shouted in fear and surprise as orange flames leaped up around them. We’d used the last of our boom-boom juice and set several explosive barrels near the front gate. Hopefully, a lot of soldiers had been caught in the blast. If nothing else, this was another way to slow down any reinforcements.
Another rock blasted into the castle wall, creating a large opening. I watched, horrified as dozens of soldiers poured through this new opening, unimpeded by the wall of fire or the trees, and realized we’d never really had a chance.
“Get inside the castle!” Yelled Thomas, all of us running as the non-babified archers bravely provided cover to slow down the approaching enemy army.
We ran towards the castle as fast as we could, but the enemy soldiers were closing in, we wouldn’t make it in time. I was just starting to think of some cool-sounding final words to say, when, Boom! Hundreds of sparks of light suddenly erupted around the Collective soldier’s feet. The soldiers yelled in surprise as Praedonian citizens leaped from their houses and threw party snaps at the enemy with reckless abandon. I’d shared the recipe for party snaps with Ellie, and she’d been hard at work the past several days, guiding the villagers to make as many of the snaps as possible. They didn’t do any damage, but man, were they distracting, allowing several armed villagers to get in with table legs and rods of metal and pound on the soldiers before hastily retreating and fleeing to a safer part of the city. I silently thanked the villagers for their help. Even removing just a few bad guys meant our job would be much easier; I hoped they stayed safe.
We ran inside the front of the castle and slammed the thick wooden door shut behind us. We all knew a heavy door wouldn’t help against a time mage, but still, it made us feel better placing something big between us and the bad guys.
I looked around at everyone we had left; maybe fifty or so knights were with us, and the rest were still outside, bravely holding the line, or further back in the city, protecting the women, children, and older folk. Since it was the least likely place to be discovered, we’d sent most of the population down into the catacombs during the battle. Yes, everyone was technically trapped down there, but if, in a worst-case scenario, all of us up on the surface ended up expiring, maybe they could hole up for a few days until all the enemy armies left. Poofy Pants had volunteered to watch the civilians, stating, “It’s an inquisitor’s job to look after the people; if I tried to fight, I’d only slow the rest of you down.” My hero.
“How many zombies do you have left?” asked Cassian, turning to Melanie.
“A couple hundred,” replied the princess, her eyes glowing green. “I can make more, but not nearly enough people have died yet to muster any sort of serious counterattack.”
“Then we’ll stick with the first plan,” replied Ellie. “If we can take out Abe, we might just be able to scare off LDB and his forces.”
We all nodded in agreement, sprinting through the castle and hiding along the narrow hallways. It made sense for LDB to have his most powerful fighter lead the attack, and to act as someone for his soldiers to rally behind. Fortunately for us, that also meant we had a real shot at taking him out, and that might be enough to tip the battle in our favor.
I heard the shrieking of wood and metal as the front door aged and turned to dust. A moment later, light flooded the castle interior. Standing at the front of a squad of soldiers, breathing heavily, an arrow sticking out of his shoulder was Abe. “You guys are a bunch of jerks,” growled the wizard as he glared down the hallway. “All we wanted to do was kill you and grind your stupid kingdom into dust, but no, you had to go and make a scene, didn’t you?”
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An arrow shot towards Abe; he raised a hand almost in formality, returning it to the shooter. “This is your last chance, witch.” Called out Abe, his voice echoing down the castle hallways. “Join me or be crushed along with all these other losers.”
I peeked my head out from behind a wall and glared at Abe. We had a trap ready for him, but he seemed cautious, not willing to step inside the castle. I needed to do something to rile him up.
“Join you?” I spat, “Why would I do that?”
Abe’s eyes glittered dangerously, he shot out his left hand. I yelped, ducking back behind the wall, as the stone where my face had been just moments ago turned to dust. “This isn’t a game, witch, " he glowered. “We could rule all of Europe; why would you choose to side with a kingdom that’s mere hours away from extinction?”
“Oh yeah,” I called out, “well, that’s not what your mom said last night.”
“Piper, what does that even mean?” Whispered Ellie a few dozen feet away in her own hiding place. I shrugged; not every idea was a winner.
Abe looked equally confused. “Is that some kind of spell?” he called out, “If so, I don’t think it did anything.”
Hmm, so mom jokes wouldn’t be relevant for another couple hundred years, it seemed. Maybe since I was dealing with a 12-year-old boy, I should stoop down to his level and use less sophisticated vocabulary. “What I meant to say,” I called out, just barely peeking my head from around the corner, “Is that you’re a big dumb doo-doo head, and also, you’re really smelly.”
I gasped as I sensed bloodlust radiating out from Abe. “NOBODY CALLS ME A DOO-DOO HEAD!” He screamed as he and his soldiers rushed down the hallway and right into our trap.
“Now, Dragon Fire!” Yelled Thomas. Suddenly, the dark hallway exploded with light as our flamethrowers blasted hot streams of fire toward Abe and his unsuspecting men.
After all the work we’d spent building those flamethrowers, Thomas had been bummed that we hadn’t been able to use them. Fortunately, with all the people now clamoring for our heads, we’d had an excuse to take the Dragon Fire’s out of retirement, and it was nothing short of glorious.
Flames engulfed Abe and his soldiers, and for a moment, it looked like we’d gotten them. Yeah, burning alive wasn’t the best way to go, but when the odds were this stacked against us, we had to fight dirty.
“Keep up the pressure!” I yelled, pumping my wineskin as oil sputtered out the nozzle and ignited over my candle. Nearby, I spotted multiple other flamethrowers igniting and shooting out their own streams of fire as more and more of our soldiers raised their flamethrowers and added to the torrent of fire.
Suddenly, the flames bounced backward like they’d hit a wall. In the center of the maelstrom of flames, Abe was redirecting the fire away from him, his multiple soldier companions huddling around him, terrified, as the flames danced inches from their faces.
I grit my teeth; he was holding back the flames; that wasn’t a good sign, and it’s not like we were exactly swimming in spare oil.
The other end of the hallway suddenly exploded with green light, and several suits of armor sprang to life and shambled towards Abe and his men, moaning hungrily. I grinned; fortunately, we’d been prepared. It had been morbid work stuffing corpses into the suits of armor and placing them along the hallway (not to mention they smelled awful), but it was our final line of defense and the last thing we needed to (hopefully) overwhelm Abe.
The wizard shot a glance behind him, spotting the zombies, but his magic was still entirely dedicated to holding off the wall of flame barreling toward him. “Get rid of those things!” He yelled as the collective soldiers grabbed their swords and rushed the zombies.
It looked like things were at a stalemate, Abe was holding off our flamethrower blasts and his soldiers were battling our armored zombies. But slowly, ever so slowly, I saw the fire inching closer, saw the perspiration on Abe’s face as the flames grew hotter, and heard the screams from his men as our zombies began to overwhelm them. Abe was clearly a powerful dude, but everyone had their limit, and it looked like he was about to reach his.
The roof above us exploded as the castle was bombarded with more catapult fire. Stone and debris rained down on us, and I collapsed to the ground from the force of the impact, my stream of fire being interrupted and the precarious flame on my candle snuffing out as I fell.
Around me, most everyone else had fallen too. The few people still standing desperately pumped their flamethrowers, but the flames were coming out smaller and in gurgling gasps. Our medieval flamethrowers had many design flaws, and a small holding capacity was one of them. I doubted Abe would give any of us a chance to refuel.
Unfortunately, Abe had been able to keep his footing during the barrage. He took a large step forward, pushing back the flames with his magic and beginning to glow with blue energy. I opened my mouth to warn everyone to run, but I was too late. A blast of energy exploded out of Abe, hitting all of us and causing the last of our soldiers who were fighting to be pushed to the ground, their flamethrowers extinguished.
I rolled down the hallway, slamming into a stone wall. It hurt, but I also felt really good for some reason. Looking down at my leg, I noticed a scar I’d gotten over the summer while playing on Gertrude’s trampoline had completely vanished. I also noted that my hair was markedly shorter; what had once been at my elbows was now at my shoulders. Also, I was really into Green Day for some reason. That was random, I hadn’t listened to them since Middle School. My mind swam both from the recently acquired head trauma and the implication of what had just happened. Had Abe just de-aged us like a year? He’d probably been trying to turn us all into babies like he’d done with the knights outside, but maybe he had to recharge in between big attacks.
I started to pick myself off the ground, but suddenly found a spear to my neck as an enemy knight pinned me against the floor. Around me, I saw everyone else in pretty much the same position. Well, we’d given it our best shot.
“No one calls me a doo-doo head,” growled Abe as he stalked over to me, his voice sounding raw, burn marks all across the exposed skin of his body.
I stared up at Abe, vision blurry from my head wound. Above him, several massive chunks had been torn out of the castle roof, and I could see the sun beginning to set. Ooh, what a beautiful sunset, I thought, my concussed brain not really grasping the fact I was about to be stabbed or turned into dust, or both.
“We could’ve ruled over everything,” Abe continued, taking a sword from one of the collective and holding the pointy part over my chest, “But now, all history will remember you for is as a fool who didn’t know when to quit.”
I was still too concussed to think of a witty comeback, so I just stuck out my tongue.
“Uh, excuse me, would you kindly back the heck away from my cousin?”
Wham! Something big slammed into Abe, and he went flying. A moment later, the spear at my neck was pulled away as the knight who’d been pinning me down was lifted into the air by a hulking figure and thrown screaming into his companions like a bowling ball.
Oh, so now I’m hallucinating, thanks brain damage.
The hulking figure turned and bent down to face me, their outline seeming to glow in the dying light of the sun. “Hiya cuz,” said Gerard with a grin, “Long time no see.
My eyes snapped into focus, “Gerard?!”
Gerard flexed his biceps, his tank top tearing as it struggled to contain his swole physique. “In the flesh.”
Suddenly, Gerard seemed to age hundreds of years in just a few seconds. He collapsed into dust at my feet, staining my shoes and dress with death debris.
“Oh crap, oh crap!” I gasped, eyes bugging out as I desperately tried to wipe my cousin off of me. I was gonna need therapy after this. Well, more than I already needed.
Several dozen feet away, Abe struggled to his feet, left eye swollen, and looking like he’d just been hit by a truck. “Sorry witch,” he said, spitting out a couple of bloody teeth, “but no one else is gonna rescue you–”
Wham! Gerard suddenly appeared out of nowhere, slamming Abe into another wall. The stonework cracked slightly as Abe’s body rammed into it. The boy slid to the floor and didn’t get back up. Hopefully, he was just taking a nap.
“Gerard!?” I asked again, now pretty sure I was hallucinating. “B-but I just saw you die.”
Gerard strode over and lifted me to my feet with his powerful arms. The world seemed to spin around me, but I managed to keep my balance. “Eh, it’s fine,” he said with a shrug; there’s more of me where that one came from.”
Suddenly, the castle came alive with motion as hundreds of blue portals appeared around us. “Sup, bro?” A chorus of voices echoed around the castle as hundreds of Gerards, past and present, appeared all around us.
“What’s the situation?” asked one of the Gerards, flexing his muscles and downing a protein shake.
“We surrender!” Cried Abe’s remaining soldiers as hundreds of buff teenagers materialized into existence. Nearby, I heard grunts and moans of pain as Thomas, Ellie, Melanie, King Cassian, and all the other remaining fighters struggled to get to their feet, still dazed from Abe’s attack.
“What kind of magic is this?” Asked Thomas, staring wide-eyed at the plethora of Gerards and looking to me for an explanation.
“Magic?” Laughed Gerard, extending a hand to help Thomas off the ground, “This is science.”
Boom! Another catapult volley slammed into the castle, causing huge chunks of stone to begin raining down on us.
“We can talk more in a minute,” continued Gerard, as dozens of him grabbed me and my companions like sacks of potatoes and sprinted out of the castle as it fell around us.
“Gerard,” I called out as we ran, “There’s not much time to explain, but a huge battle is going on outside, and the Praedonians are gonna die unless we help-”
We fled out of the castle and into the town square. I blinked in surprise as I saw hundreds of Gerards fighting alongside the Praedonians and driving back the Boujie Collective. It felt like I was in some kind of crazy movie; there was a Gerard for every time and season. I spotted pre-teen Gerard showering enemy soldiers with paintball pellets and old man Gerard running over baddies with his rocket-powered wheelchair. Crash! And slamming into the castle wall, taking out dozens of enemy soldiers at once, was mecha Gerard, his bodiless head floating inside a vat of glowing liquid in the center of a huge robot. “Hiya cuz!” Mecha Gerard winked at me before sprinting towards the sea of enemies outside what was left of the castle walls.
“Excuse me, uhm, Gerard, was it?” Asked King Cassian, his eyes wide as he surveyed the surrounding battlefield, “what exactly is going on?”
“Yes,” I affirmed, wobbling slightly as Gerard set me on the ground, “What’s happening? Even more importantly, how did you find me?”
Gerard frowned, looking introspective, “I don’t know how you contacted me, Piper, but in the brief few seconds we talked, you mentioned something about a castle.” Gerard glanced back at what was left of Castle Praedones, the building still breaking apart and showering us with dust and debris as it fell. “Now, there are a lot of castles in Medieval Europe, so that didn’t exactly narrow things down, but it made me realize something.”
Gerard pointed a finger at me, a smirk breaking across his face. Someone like you would meddle so much with the course of history that I just had to read up on my European history and see what looked out of place.
I blushed, looking at the carnage around me and the hundreds of Gerards waging war against the thousands of enemy soldiers. I guess I had made some pretty significant changes to history.
“So I got to reading,” continued Gerard, “and in 1248 AD, historians recounted an old legend of how for one night, during an attack by Lord Drip Bussin and his allied armies, the kingdom of Praedones seemed to come alight with the fire of dragons.”
My eyes widened at the implication. “Is he talking about our Dragon Fire?” whispered Thomas.
“Dragon Fire?” asked Gerard, confused.
“I may or may not have invented flamethrowers while I’ve been here,” I admitted.
Gerard’s face went white. “You gave these people flamethrowers 800 years before they were invented?” He balked.
“Well, it was that or die,” I replied defensively, staring at my Gerard-covered shoes.
Gerard pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. “Well, regardless,” he said, flashing me a sour look, “Dragons aren’t real, so I decided to swing by and check to see if this so-called dragon fire was the byproduct of my nosy cousin. Turns out I was right.”
“Uh, sorry to interrupt the moment,” snapped Princess Melanie, not looking the least bit sorry. “But who the heck are you?” she demanded, pointing at Gerard, “and why are you and several hundreds other you’s helping us?”
“Oh, sorry, those other me’s are from the future, and I’m here to help in this battle ‘cause Piper’s my cousin.”
Everyone looked from Gerard and back to me. “You guys are related?” Asked Ellie in shock, “but he’s so buff, and you’re so-”
“I’m just a late bloomer, that’s all!” I snapped, cutting Ellie off.
“Don’t tell anyone,” whispered Gerard as he leaned down next to me, but when I first took the time machine here to Praedones, I arrived a day late. All I found were your burnt corpses and a bunch of crying babies for some reason.”
I shuddered, realizing we must’ve died in this battle before Gerard came on the correct day. “I took pictures, by the way,” he continued, “If you wanna see what you look like burned to death.”
“Tempting, but I’m gonna pass on that one.” Suddenly, the Gerard in front of me turned to dust, and crawling out of the ruins of the castle, bloodied, burnt, and bruised, but glaring daggers at all of us, was Abe. “Don’t think you can get away that easily, you doo-doo heads,” he roared, body glowing crimson as he prepared for an attack.
Suddenly, a dozen different Gerards were upon the angsty wizard, my cousin’s buff physique far too quick for Abe to mount any sort of counterattack. “I think we’re gonna have to put you in time out,” quipped one of the Gerards as he pulled a piece of metal from the collapsed castle and wrapped it around Abe’s wrists like handcuffs. Then, another Gerard lifted Abe by his cloak and hung him like a pinata on a piece of debris that was jutting out from the castle ruins.
“Get me down from here!” Shrieked Abe, twisting and flailing as he fought in vain to break free. “Get me down so I can kill you all!” Nah, that’s not gonna happen, pal.
“Protein!” I turned back towards the battlefield just in time to see Mecha Gerard pelted to oblivion by catapult fire. The mech crumpled to the ground, and the lights inside the machine flickered before dying with a pitiful beep. Near the edge of the walls, the other Gerards were putting up a heck of a fight, each of them easily taking on multiple soldiers at once, but there were just far too many bad guys for even several hundred Gerards and the remaining Praedonian knights to take on.
“I think that’s our cue to get out of here,” said Gerard as he fiddled with a watch-like device on his wrist, “It’s time to get you home, Piper.” Suddenly, a blue portal appeared in front of us, and my heart began to beat faster as a flood of emotions washed over me.
“Gerard, we can’t leave just yet,” I begged, pointing towards my friends, “everyone in Praedones is gonna die unless we do something to help them!”
I was pretty sure only Melanie and possibly Thomas had any clue I was from the future, but sensing the gravity of the situation and that Gerard was their best hope for not dying, everyone made pleading gestures with their hands and put on their best puppy-dog eyes.
Gerard looked at everyone’s expressions, his expression softening, “fine,” he said with a shrug.
“Really?” I asked, surprised at how little persuading it had taken to get Gerard to help.
“Sure,” he said, looking out over the battlefield, “but we’re gonna have to fix all this later, be right back.”
Then, without another word, Geard stepped into the portal and disappeared.
“Piper, what was that all about?” Asked Ellie, everyone staring wide-eyed at where my buff cousin had just vanished.
“My time-traveling cousin is getting help,” I replied, holding up my flashlight and heading towards the thick of battle, “C’mon, let’s stall for time until he gets back.”
“Oh, I can do more than stall,” cackled Melanie, and with a wave of her hand, dozens of bodies around us started to glow with green energy and formed into more shambling undead.
The next half-hour was a blur as we fought to hold back LDB’s forces. Even without Abe’s time magic, we were almost overwhelmed by the sheer number of bad guys. My projector had been destroyed during the fight, so I tossed Ellie one of my spare flashlights, and we got to work blinding the enemy soldiers, flashing them with our lights, and yelling some magic mambo jumbo. Thomas rushed forward, sword in hand, beating back anyone who got too close to us, with Cassian not far behind. I’d never seen the king fight before today, but he was surprisingly adept with a blade; maybe not as quick as Thomas, but with his huge size, he dominated the battlefield. All the while, Melanie cackled in the background, laughing every time someone died, waving her hand and causing the corpse to join our undead army.
I’d say we were doin’ a pretty good job holding the line, but unfortunately, those catapults kept on firing, and our spare Gerards were slowly getting thinned out. Pretty soon, we had our backs pressed back against the ruins of Castle Praedones, a sea of soldiers surrounding us, and no extra tricks up our sleeves.
“You lot are surprisingly voracious for dead men walking,” mocked LDB from atop his majestic steed, as the sun finally finished setting and the battlefield was enveloped in near-complete darkness. I rolled my eyes; Abe had hit us with enough villainous quips, I wasn’t in the mood for any more.
“Doo-doo heads!” spat Abe from his time-out perch in the castle ruins.
“And somebody get my nephew down from there,” commanded LDB, rolling his eyes as he pointed towards Abe’s swinging form.
“Yo Gerard,” I whispered to one of my cousins fighting alongside us, a hippie variant with a cool soul patch and flowing locks of dark-brown hair, “when are you gonna be getting back with that help you promised?”
Gerard looked at me like I was stupid. “Time’s relative little dudet,” he replied, “I could’ve come back before the start of the battle if I’d wanted to, so there’s no point in askin’ when I’ll arrive, but where and how.”
Huh, that’s a good point; since Gerard was time-traveling, he could show up literally any time he wanted. In that case, “Where the heck is he!” I shouted.
Gerard scratched his chin, “My guess, I’m probably waiting for the most dramatic moment to re-enter.”
As if on cue, a blue portal burst into existence in front of us. Gerard exited, carrying a massive wooden crate almost as big as him and twice as wide. The words warning and explosives were emblazoned in bold, red letters on the front.
“What the devil?!” Shouted LDB, eyes widening as my buff cousin suddenly materialized before him. He and his men took several hesitant steps back but kept their weapons held at the ready.
“Quick,” said Gerard, setting down the crate and ripping off the top with his bare hands. “Everyone, grab a firework and a lighter!”
I ran to the crate, everyone following not far behind, and peering inside, I beheld the largest collection of fireworks I’d ever seen.
“What’s all this?” asked Thomas, staring wide-eyed at the rainbow of explosives.
“Fireworks,” repeated Gerard as he handed out lighters.
“Fire-whats?” Everyone asked in unison.
“It’s the same stuff the assassins used,” I replied, “Y’know, when Princess Melanie was captured.”
“You trapped dragon fire in a box?” gasped Cassian, immediately dropping the firework he’d been holding like he feared it would explode in his hands.
“Don’t worry, it’ll only activate when we light the fuse,” I reassured him, pointing at the wicks on the end of the fireworks. “And make sure the top parts of the fireworks are facing away from you. Otherwise, they’ll burst right in our faces.”
Everyone looked terrified by my fireworks description, but they were way more scared of the approaching Boujie Collective. A couple of the Gerards leaped towards the enemy army and fought to hold them off. At the same time, the rest of us grabbed as many fireworks as we could and set them on the ground, pointing them directly at LDB’s army.
“Use your lighters like this,” I said, pressing the ignition button and making sure everyone else could see. We lit the fuses of the fireworks and quickly backpedaled to get out of range of the imminent blast. Thinking quickly, I turned to Melanie. “Flash some of your magic,” I whispered, right before the fireworks explode.”
“Why?” She asked, staring down in fascination at the fireworks lit fuses.
“Just do it!” I snapped back before turning to what I assumed was my Gerard. “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a microphone or speaker would–”
Without a word, Gerard handed me a Bluetooth speaker and a wireless microphone.
“Huh?”
“You asked for those last time I was here,” said Gerard with a frown, “we didn’t win last time.”
Ok, creepy, but whatever, this was now, and I needed to end this battle. “Hey, LDB!” I shouted, him and his army jumping in alarm at my suddenly amplified voice, “You’re pretty hot, but I’ve got something even hotter than you!”
“Impossible!” he cried as he swung his sword at one of the Gerards. “Nothing could possibly be-”
“Dragon’s Fire!”
Melanie’s hands flashed a pulsating green, and the night sky lit up with color as dozens of fireworks shot off the ground and exploded in the faces of the enemy army. The effect was instantaneous; the Boujie Collective scrambled over themselves to flee from the bright and ear-splitting explosions, shoving each other in their haste to escape the dragon fire.
“Keep firing!” Yelled Cassian, reaching into the box and distributing fireworks to the rest of us.
We chased after LDB and his men, blasting off fireworks at their fleeing forms; all the while, I screamed into my wireless microphone, shouting out very rude phrases in French and Swahili and generally trying to sound magical. We kept chasing past the impromptu forest, beyond the ruined front gates, and hundreds of yards out into the fields, where, thankfully, the bulk of the remaining army seemed to have gotten the hint and were also running for the hills.
All of us were panting with exertion as we watched the legions of soldiers run off into the distance. No one turned back, no one issued a challenge, everyone just wanted to get away from the hungry dragon spitting out its multicolored fire. “We just need one final something for them to remember us by,” said Princess Melanie, eyeing the fleeing army like a starving man might eye a juicy steak.
“Here you go, bro,” A blue portal appeared in front of us, and a muscular set of hands appeared out of the portal, holding onto three massive crates of fireworks.
“Sweet,” said Gerard, grabbing the crates and ripping them open, “thanks bro.”
We all shared a look and turned on our lighters, tossing them into the crates with the hundreds of unlit fireworks.
“They’ll definitely remember this,” grinned Gerard, grabbing onto the boxes and, one by one, tossing them with herculean might toward the fleeing army.
The boxes sailed in the air, arching towards the enemy army. It looked like three miniature suns had gone off, a rainbow of lights and an explosion so powerful that I had to shut my eyes.
“Wow,” I breathed, staring in awe at the sky full of lights, “they’ll definitely remember that.