Slam! The last burly bar patron collapsed, his flagon of ale tipping over and pouring onto the floor in a sticky puddle. “We have a winner!” Yelled out Prison Mike, raising Ellie’s hand in victory as the other patrons cheered and pounded their tables.
Ellie hiccuped slightly, her face a rosy pink, but a huge grin had split across her face. “Alright, boys,” said Ellie, lifting her flagon, “who’s ready for round two?”
XXX
Ellie and I sat in the near-empty bar as she nursed another drink. It was getting pretty late in the evening, and most everyone else had stumbled out already in a drunken stupor. Ellie, who must’ve had a liver made of steel, had just kept drinking. She’d bought me an ale also, and I’d taken the tiniest of sips to be polite. It tasted terrible, and my head was already starting to spin. I guess I was just meant to be a coffee kind of gal.
“So, do any of the other nobles know about your, uh, evening activities?” I asked, motioning around at the bar.
Ellie grinned, letting out a very unladylike burp. “As far as they know, I’m in my room doing hardcore crochet.”
I nodded; if I’d been expected to spend my free time knitting, I’d probably have become an alcoholic, too.
“By the way, Piper,” said Ellie, expression suddenly serious, cheeks rosy from alcohol, “We’ve only known each other for a few weeks, but I’ve come to think of you as a great friend. Even if you are a witch.”
A bittersweet knife pierced my heart. I viewed Ellie as a friend, too, but my conversation with Thomas about my eventual departure was still too fresh on my mind. I was going to be leaving soon and never see her again, that was gonna suck. “You too, girlfriend,” I muttered weakly.
Ellie opened her mouth like she wanted to say more but stopped. She looked nervous, eyed her drink, and took a huge gulp. “Since you’re waiting for your lemon spell to charge,” said Ellie, her words only starting to slur after about twenty drinks, “I was wondering if you had some free time to help me out with the whole Thomas situation.”
I perked up; the idea of teen romance was always a welcome distraction, especially between my two best friends in this time period. Honestly, I’d been frustrated that my Thellie ship hadn’t taken off yet. Or would their couple’s name be Elomas? No, definitely Thellie. “The love doctor is always here to help,” I replied, grinning, “How can I be of service, m’lady?”
Ellie gave me a grateful smile. “Well, I’ve pretty much given up on Thomas ever courting me, so I figured if I want anything to happen, I’ll need to make the first move.”
I nodded vigorously. I preferred when the guy did the asking out, but Thomas was a special circumstance.
Ellie continued, “So I was wondering if you’d be willing to chaperone the two of us for an evening.”
“Chaperone?” I asked, frowning. “What, can you guys not look after yourselves?”
Ellie stared at me, aghast. “You want me to be alone with a man that’s not my husband?” She asked, horrified. “Do you think I’m a woman of ill repute?”
Right, this was the Middle Ages; everyone was a bunch of Puritans. “Sorry, witch culture is a bit different when it comes to dating,” I said, quickly backtracking. “Of course, I’ll help chaperone your date.”
Ellie visibly relaxed. “Thank you, Piper; now we just need to find a way to get Thomas to show up.
“To show up?”
Ellie nodded. “If he’s not distracted by magic and I try talking to him, he’ll just—”
“Do push-ups and run away.” I finished. Well aware of Thomas’ aversion to the fairer sex. “Not to worry girl, I think I have a solution.”
XXX
“You wanted to teach me a new spell?” Asked Thomas as I led him towards a private room in the castle.
“Uh-huh,” I said, nodding vigorously. “Just you wait, it’s going to be a magical evening.” I’d been afraid things between me and Thomas would still be awkward, but once I’d said I wanted to teach him a new spell, he’d been completely on board with whatever I asked.
Thomas pulled at his collar. “And why did you want me to dress up all fancy?”
Thomas was indeed dressed up all fancy, and for such a nerd, I had to admit, he cleaned up pretty nicely. It was one of the few times I’d seen him not wearing his knight’s armor. “It’s for that spell I was telling you about,” I replied as we walked inside the room, and I closed the door behind us. “It’s called how to shoot your shot with the ladies.”
“Shoot my sho–?” Ellie stepped out of the shadows, wearing a dazzling pink ball gown and a nervous smile. Thomas froze; his eyes did a once-over on Ellie, and his face turned just as pink as her dress. “I think we’ll need to schedule this lesson for another day,” stammered Thomas as he spun back towards the door and tried vainly to fling it open.
“Sorry, Thomas,” I said with a grin, “But I locked the door.”
Thomas turned back to me, animalistic fear in his eyes. “Key!” He croaked, hands reaching out towards me.
“Sure, you can have the key,” I replied, pointing towards my chest. “It’s in my bra.”
Thomas swore loudly, his eyes darted over to the open window.
“We’re on the third floor, Thomas,” I said dryly. “There’s no escape.”
Thomas uttered some very rude words against witches and dropped to the floor to start doing push-ups.
“Thomas?” I asked, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, “Thomas, what are you doing?”
“Getting buff,” replied the young knight as his burly arms pushed up and down off the floor. “If I work out, I don’t have to think.”
“Maybe we can just wait for him to run out of steam,” suggested Ellie, walking over to stand with me.
Thomas made it to 679 push-ups before finally collapsing in a sweaty heap. “Are you done now?” I asked, equal amounts annoyed and impressed.
“Y-yeah, I’m good,” wheezed Thomas as he forced himself into a sitting position on the floor.
“Splendid!” Before Thomas could protest, I yanked him to his feet and dragged him over to a table I’d set up in the corner. The table was adorned with a white cloth and a bottle of wine, and sitting at the other side of the table, still as dazzling as before, was Ellie, all smiles and ready for her date.
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“Hi, Thomas,” Ellie said as he sat across from her. “You look dashing in your outfit…even if it is covered in sweat.”
“T-thanks.” Muttered Thomas, taking a keen interest in the ceiling. “And you look r-really pretty.”
Not exactly a confession of undying love, but it was progress. “I discreetly passed Thomas a stack of cue cards made of parchment that I’d whipped up for the occasion. “Read from these; it’ll help,” I whispered before standing back a polite distance to give them space but also be close enough to chaperone.
Thomas fumbled around with the cards before finally drawing one. “S-so, Ellie,” asked Thomas, wiping sweat from brow, “What do you like to do for fun?”
This question was an easy set-up; the two would have a chance to share their interests and find something in common.
Ellie fluttered her eyelashes, “Well, I enjoy crochet and embroidery, and sometimes, when the passion takes me, I like to gossip with the ladies of the court.”
I frowned; those didn’t sound like Ellie activities.
“What about you,” she asked?”
“Uh, I enjoy doing push-ups and eating lots of red meat. Also, sometimes I just like to sit around and watch hair grow on my chest while I work on my wood carving. Y’know, manly things.”
“Cool.” Said Ellie.
“Yeah.” Replied Thomas.
The two lapsed into awkward silence.
“Okay, that’s enough of that,” I said, marching over to the two. It was time for the chaperone to butt in. “Ellie,” I said, pointing to her, “If this is gonna work, then you gotta be honest with Thomas and not try to be some idealized version of femininity.” Ellie turned as pink as her dress. “And Thomas,” I continued, turning to face him, “we all know you like working out, but you’re also a total nerd. I know for a fact you get up early every morning, just so you have time to alphabetize the shelves in your Wizard Room.
“It’s true,” muttered Thomas, “I love alphabetizing.
The two looked at each other and sighed, shoulders drooping. “Thomas,” confessed Ellie, “I’d knit a sweater if you held a knife to my throat, but I’m not really all that interested in typical noblewoman stuff.” Ellie took a deep breath, bracing herself. “I’d much rather go on fun adventures, bar hop, and arm-wrestle the toughest-looking guys I can find.”
“You like arm-wrestling?” asked Thomas, perking up, his awkwardness evaporating. “Me too!” I cleared my throat loudly and stared at Thomas. “And I’m also a pretty big nerd.” He added, almost guiltily.
Ellie laughed a clear and pure laugh. “I don’t think I can keep up with you smarts wise, but if you wanna do some arm wrestling, I know a place that’d be a ton of fun to visit.”
Thomas grinned. “Lead the way, madame.”
XXX
Slam! As one, Ellie and Thomas slammed their opponent’s fists onto the bar tables. The crowd roared in celebration at their two new champions. “Waiter, another drink!” Roared Ellie as she lifted her empty flagon into the air.
“We wanna see the two champions fight!” I cried out to the watching the crowd. The other bar patrons took up my cry, and a few moments later, everyone was chanting for Thomas and Ellie to arm wrestle.
“Ready to lose?” Taunted Ellie as she slammed her elbow onto the table.
“You’re gonna have to do a lot more push-ups before you can keep up with me.” Replied Thomas as he wrapped his hand around hers.
XXX
We left The Ill Refute slightly inebriated and headed to Thomas’ Wizard Room, where we spent the next hour alphabetizing his shelves of stuff. Well, I say we worked on it; I mostly just sat in the corner, chaperoning and giving the two love birds time to spread their wings.
“What’s this stuff?” Asked Ellie, holding up a chunk of copper and inspecting it in the candlelight.
“Careful, those Crumbly Chunks are really brittle.” Replied Thomas, pointing to the C section of his shelves.
“Crumbly Chunks?” Asked Ellie incredulously.
Thomas shrugged, a little bashful. “Do you think the names dumb?”
Ellie laughed, smoothly sliding her hand into his. “Maybe a little silly, but I love the name Thomas.” Thomas turned firetruck red as he stared down at his hand locked in Ellie’s, but he didn’t pull away.
XXX
We ended the date in a secluded section of the courtyard. No date was complete without dancing, so I’d offered to use my vast knowledge of pop culture to teach them how to do the Harlem Shake. They’d politely refuted my offer, as it turns out that both of them were quite proficient in ballroom dancing.
I once again sat in the corner a polite distance away, chaperoning and shooing away any onlookers who got too close. Thellie had been a long time coming, and I didn’t want anyone to run this ship aground.
“Thomas, tonight has been magical,” sighed Ellie dreamily as the two young people swayed across the courtyard.
“Is it because we have a witch chaperoning us?” Asked Thomas, staring over at me.
“No, silly.” Ellile laughed, “It’s because I got to spend it with you. Also, because I’ve been wanting to do this again.”
Ellie reached up on her tiptoes and kissed Thomas right on the lips. His eyes went wide as saucer pans, and after a moment’s hesitation, he leaned in to meet her, eyes still bugging out and unblinking. I sighed contentedly, not to brag, but I was pretty sure I was the best shipper ever.
“Your witchiness, er, I mean Piper?”
I whipped around, so engrossed in the budding teen romance in front of me that I’d completely forgotten to keep watch for party crashers. Behind me, standing a polite distance away, was King Cassian. For a second, I almost hadn’t recognized the guy; he was standing straight, his beard was trimmed, and most importantly, he had no bags under his eyes. Those were such minor details of his character, but I’d only ever seen Cassian looking tired and overworked. It was amazing what a bit of R&R and peace of mind could do to a person.
“Your majesty,” I said with a quick bow. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m in the middle of chaperoning a date for my friends.”
Cassian looked over and smiled in understanding as he watched Ellie and Thomas dance, the two completely oblivious to the world around them. “Well, it’s about time,” he said warmly, “but not to worry, Piper, I’m not here to disrupt the two of them; I’m here to speak with you.”
“With me?” My mind immediately assumed the worst; the king probably had some odd job he wanted from me that would require several more chapters of wacky misadventures to resolve. “What can I help you with your majesty?” I asked, immediately thinking of ways to excuse myself from whatever he wanted.
Nothing today, “replied Cassian with a smile, “I just wanted to thank you again for all you’ve done for me and my kingdom.”
“Oh,” I said, surprised by the unexpected compliment. “Thanks.”
Cassian nodded. “I know my daughter took care of this last debacle,” continued the king, pointing toward the castle gate, where thousands of zombies were shambling around beyond it, “But we wouldn’t be where we are today without your help. You’ve been a true blessing and even helped me form a meaningful relationship with my dearest Melanie.”
I blushed a deep and furious red; I’d never been great at receiving compliments. “Don’t worry about it,” I said, looking away, “I’m sure any old witch would’ve been happy to help.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” replied Cassian, “But now it’s time for me to return the favor.” Cassian reached into his robes and pulled out a potato. I took the starchy food item and stared at it blankly.
“Uh, thanks?” I said, confused at why he’d given me a potato.
Thomas had told me you needed potatoes for some new spell you’re working on,” Continued the king, “So I rounded up every spare potato I could find.”
Oh, that’s right, I needed potatoes for my battery. Guess with all the teen romance going on, that had completely slipped my mind. I stared down at the single potato in my hands, wondering how much juice I could squeeze out of it. “Guess there weren’t a lot of potatoes?” I asked the king.
Cassian responded with a deep, booming chuckle. “This one is just a formality; the rest have already been delivered to your chambers.”
That got my attention. I looked up to my third-story room, wanting nothing more than to get my hands on those potatoes but also needing to finish chaperoning my friends. “Go on,” said the king with a knowing smile, “I’ll keep watch.”
With a final thankful nod, I broke into a run, sprinting back up the castle and towards my room. My calves were burning, and my breath was coming in ragged gasps by the time I reached the third floor, but I didn’t care. I rounded the corner of the castle hallway, and in front of my room were five large burlap sacks. I stepped forward, opened the nearest bag, and came face to face with dozens of potatoes. I felt my pulse quicken; opening the other bags, I found each was filled to the brim with tubers; there must’ve been well over 100! I was so relieved I nearly started to cry; if those lemons didn’t work to charge my computer, these tubers would surely do this trick.
Remembering my lemon charger, I ran back down the castle’s stairs to Thomas’ Wizard Room. By this point, I was getting incredibly sick of running, but I was willing to suck it up for the time being. Bursting into the room, I zeroed in on the lemon charger. The charging light on my Bluetooth speaker had gone off, and poking at the lemons, all of them were dry and crusty. It seemed like I’d gotten all the juice I would get.
I stared pensively down at my speaker. The lemons had worked well enough to at least turn on the charging light, but how much charge was in the battery? Was it enough to turn on? I took a breath and pressed the power button. “Searching for pairing device,” said the speaker as its power light flickered on and glowed green.
This time, I did burst into tears; it had worked, I’d made electricity, and I was almost ready to head home!
I sat on the ground, bawling for a few minutes before finally collecting myself. I’d proven lemons could charge my devices, but now that we were out of fruit, I’d need to turn to a different power source. I pulled out the potato Cassian had given me. I stared at it, imagining all the electrical goodness floating around inside. A moment later, I bolted to my feet and sprinted back up to my room to grab the other potatoes; I had a lot of wiring to do!