> Obscenity, in the common discourse, is both overused and underutilized. The common speaker, or author as the case may be, will all too often be liberal with sprinkling harsh language into their vocabularly, using such terms as exclamation, intensive, and adjective with wanton abandon. This of course naturally cheapens the terms, causing them to lose much of their intended power and effect. Often a simple omission of such ostentatious obscenity, coupled with a more sparse usage will have a far greater effect than any other technique. I would encourage all of you if, when reading a modern work, a chapter opens with a long list of swears decrying some horrid fate, to place the piece out of your mind, and find something of higher quality to occupy your time.
>
> - Jimothy Albert Charles Esq. III in his now infamous treatise 'On Modern Parliance'
Shit. Shit! Horrid sweaty mouse testicles! Matar! Ichtansid olsentaroe! Wheat thins!
"What the hell is this bullshit?" I cried. "Status!"
Status: Seriously, total dickwad. Oh yeah, I guess I have to say it's a Dungeon Core Further information is only available after forming a Dungeon.
Fuck.
This was bad. I knew that some people would be jealous of my awesomeness, and be offended by my sheer draconic greed, but this was the first time pissing people off had consequences! Since when did that happen? Without my Status page, I would be seriously hampered. Laundry aside, my Status page was supposed to hold all my personal information and skills, giving me clues as to how best to proceed with my new dungeon-y existence.
More pressing, I had a dilemma. While the hookup to the divine hotline had covered the cost of my prayer, the stingy bastards hadn't let me refill my core at all. Worse calling up my Status isn't free, and since the gods locked me out of my own page, I couldn't even tell for sure how much mana I had left.
I gave the mana-well within me a quick spin. It felt... sloshy. Not in the good 'oh look I'm pretty full and have room for more' way, more in a 'holy crap I think it's down to the last few drops, what am I gonna do, I think I might die' kinda way.
"Holy Crap! I think it's down the last few drops! What am I gonna do? I think I might die!" I shouted into the empty void of the space beneath the cabinet, frivolously wasting a drop of mana.
Right. Speaking cost mana. Speak less. Speak none. Think less? Think none too.
...
...
Ok. Not thinking might be a bad idea. Thinking is good. Not thinking is bad. That way lies the dark side. Like beneath the cabinet. Where I am. Are those... scuttling noises?
I could indeed hear scuttling noises. While my initial burst of mana had indeed vanquished the first of the monstrous vermin from the Dark Crevasse (as I would now call this temporary home) it seemed his brethren would soon grow brave, and once again approach the shiny. That would be bad. The shiny is me.
I had to form a dungeon, and I had to do it now. The location was as far from ideal as possible. This place was clearly inhabited, by humans no less. From the well-fed state of the local vermin population (who were steadily scuttling closer) I could tell that this area was likely well trafficked. I may be in some peasant's home or even a town.
I need more information. Forming a dungeon is likely to cost some mana, but I think I had just enough to do a small amount of recon and if I absolutely had to, perform an emergency move.
Using roughly a third of what pitiful mana I had left, I extended my senses slightly beyond my surface, towards the light outside of the Dark Crevasse. The floor beneath me and the cabinet above me were... odd. The cabinet above seemed to be made out of hundreds of wood shavings and chips pressed together, a manufacturing technique I'd never seen before. The material itself would seem to imply poverty, being made predominately out of waste materials, but the novel technique, combined with the quality of the surface (somehow almost perfectly flat) would imply a great deal of skill involved in its creation. The floors on the other hand clearly belonged in the home of a wealthy individual. Smooth planes of wood, polished and sanded until the surface shined, coated in some kind of varnish, stained a warm hue.
As my senses reached the edge of the cabinet, the quality of the light struck me. It was smooth, steady, and... whitish-blue? If I didn't know this world was devoid of mana I would have assumed it to be a magelight. Regardless such a quality light couldn't be coming from a candle, nor could a peasant afford to maintain an oil lamp, let alone one that burned hot enough to shed such blue light. If I strained my hearing I could hear from above a slight humming. Perhaps the lighting came from some kind of luminescent insect?
Speaking of bugs, one of the cockroaches was climbing me. Presumably to nibble at the remains of his brother on top of me.
One of the cockroaches was climbing me.
Filthy insectoid limbs caressed my noble, elegant surface, sliding their disgusting organic shell over my beautiful physique.
...
EMERGENCY MOVE!
I blasted out one more drop of my mana, launching me towards the light! I began to roll *ugh* and then... curved. In my panic, I had forgotten the most critical fact. I was an Ovoid now. Egg-shaped. Instead of my rapid, straight roll to freedom, I was curving, leftwards, backwards, deeper into the Dark Crevasse.
In the initial jolt of my movement, the corpse lying atop of me was thankfully pushed aside, but as I returned on my trajectory it's body lay in my path.
There was a horrible crunching noise. A sickening squishing feeling. I had stopped.
When I had first fried the offender, the heat from my manalance had thankfully cauterized the wound and saved me from the indignity of being drenched in cockroach juice. Now, however, I was not so fortunate. Viscera draped my surface. The vile fluid and flesh of the cockroaches interior was smeared across the cracks left by whatever had struck me when I first arrived. My own noble personage was usually supported in a cushion of velvet. Now I was supported by the crushed remains of an insect's digestive tract. One which if my senses weren't failing me, had apparently not excreted its waste in some time.
Cracked, misshapen, covered in viscera and shit from foul vermin, I founded my dungeon.
----------------------------------------
Congratulations! You have founded your first dungeon, The Dark Crevasse! For founding a dungeon in unique circumstances, you have unlocked new achievements!
Achievement UNLOCKED!
Sewer Rat:
Most dungeons can be found in caves deep in the mountains, or at the bottom of ancient crypts, ruins left from long-dead civilizations, or as the name implies within the dungeons of a grand castle. Not you. You founded your dungeon surrounded by filth and vermin. Not sure why.
(This achievement has no apparent benefit.)
Achievement UNLOCKED!
I Plead the Third:
Dungeon Cores usually find somewhere relatively uninhabited to set up shop. Not you though. You barged on into a city, found a simple home, scared off the residents, and killed those who stayed behind. It's the thug-life for you!
(This achievement has no apparent benefit.)
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
Achievement UNLOCKED!
From the Brink:
You nearly died! Nearly. Don't do it again. There's no reward other than this, we do NOT want to encourage suicidal behavior.
(This achievement has no apparent benefit.)
Achievement UNLOCKED!
Space-Warped:
Cosmetic Surgery. Biomagic. Radiation-induced mutation. There are many ways to change the way you look. This one is the worst. Well, perhaps not the worst, but certainly the most stupid. You changed your very body, your very shape, not through any sane reasonable method, but instead through the warping of the fabric of reality itself.
Good for you?
(This achievement has no apparent benefit.)
Achievement UNLOCKED!
A Hero is YOU!
Dungeon Cores are supposed to do three things: 1.) Survive 2.) Build amazing Dungeons! 3.) Kill stuff!
You did the opposite. You placed your very core in harm's way, saving the life of another creature, a human no less! Outside of a dungeon! What an idiot.
(This achievement has no apparent benefit.)
Achievement UNLOCKED!
Idiocy:
Congratulations! You've earned at least three achievements reserved for very special dungeon cores! Don't you feel good about yourself?
(This achievement has no apparent benefit.)
Boxes. Boxes galore! It seems my misadventures had earned me a slew of achievements. Completely useless achievements.
"What a bunch of crap!" I exclaimed, "These achievements suck!"
Perhaps it was because of the cockroach guts covering me, but I was not in a good mood. The vaguely condescending nature of the achievements I got certainly didn't help. Except for that last one, it called me special. Although I'm not sure why it would be called 'Idiocy' if it was for unlocking rare achievements. I wonder which ones were the special ones? Most of them seemed rather insulting and degrading, so I can't imagine it was for those. Hmmm...
At least now I knew why I was... non-spherical. That blasted spell had warped my core! Danztile has a lot to answer for. Unless she's dead. Which I hope she is. Bleh. I'm a bit too tired for mustering up hatred. Either way, that's one mystery solved and another added to the pile.
"Status!" I chanted, ready to finally get a hold of the situation.
Status: Complete Jackass. Like, for real. Title:
The Intrepid
Race: Dungeon Core. Racial Subtypes: Crystalline Spheroid (Oblate) Mana Capacity: A bunch. Mana Absorption: Zilch. Zip. Zero. Mana Generation: Enough. Shards of Power: 0 Special Traits: A few.
What.
This was not what a proper Status page should look like. A proper status page should have numbers! Where were my numbers? MY BEAUTIFUL NUMBERS? Math was one of the few things- I mean many MANY things that I was actually good at!
Now that I had formed a dungeon, I could tell that I had some mana building up in my core, not exactly flowing in from the dungeon's (admittedly small) area, but instead just appearing within me, appearing out of nowhere. I had heard of this occurring in highly developed dungeons, those who had unlocked some kind of special skill allowing them to make mana on their own. It didn't feel like much, just barely more than what I'd need to survive in fact. I doubted that this ability came from any of my achievements, useless pieces of crap that they were, however, there was one interesting thing in my status:
The Intrepid.
To Boldly Go:
Adventure, Conquest, Exploration.
Curiosity, Apprehension, Accident.
It matters not the who, nor the why.
This world is unknown.
Unknown.
Until now.
That... that was something. When the Great Work of the Ancestors starts sending poetry your way, you know that you've touched upon something special. If I were to guess, I would say that this here was what was giving me that little bit of mana regeneration. Just a little bit of a push to keep me alive in a brand new world, where otherwise I would be doomed. 'The System awards excellence, ingenuity, and novelty.' That's what he taught me.
You have made a discovery!
Special Trait: The Intrepid. (Earned from title) In order to survive, and more importantly introduce the System to a new universe, you have been granted Mana Regeneration (Minimal) As long as you remain alive, within a dungeon, and in possession of at least some mana, your mana reserves will regenerate.
"Thank you Gramps," I whispered.
...
Enough of that! It seemed at the very least that I wasn't about to die. Unfortunately, now that I had formed a dungeon my senses would be limited to the confines of that space. The mystery of the humming lights would simply have to wait. I tried to expand my dungeon out from underneath the cabinet but found that doing so drained my mana at far too quick a rate. In fact, it seemed as if what little expansion of the dungeon I did actually manage to achieve was quickly reversed, my borders squishing back into the shadows of the Dark Crevasse. Weird.
Really, REALLY WEIRD!
No, think positive. I've almost begun to doubt in myself. I'm amazing. The MOST amazing. Yeah. No more doubts, no more depressing memories, no more 'deep' shit. Focus on the now.
Hey, look my friends are coming back! One brave cockroach was nobly returning to the Dark Crevasse! Its smooth, graceful exoskeleton wibbled and wobbled atop its beautiful spiked legs - WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!
DISGUSTING! My thoughts, something was affecting my head. Cockroaches? Beautiful? Something was wrong with me, and... was that?
The cockroaches antennae waved happily. It seemed happy, peaceful, as if glad to be home. It raised it's butt into the air and released a small spray. A spray of poop. Extra smelly poop. The smell almost seemed to say 'Hey guys, this place is great! Come here!' No. Not almost... that's exactly what it said. A whole swarm of roaches came out of tiny gaps in the back wall and crawled down from the space behind the cabinet above. Each and every one of them depositing that smelly poop. Shouting at each other with their fecal pheromones, It was wonderfu- NO IT WASN'T My mind! My refined sense of beauty! It had been.. altered.
You have made a discovery!
Achievement UNLOCKED!
Sewer Rat:
Most dungeons can be found in caves deep in the mountains, or at the bottom of ancient crypts, ruins left from long-dead civilizations, or as the name implies within the dungeons of a grand castle. Not you. You founded your dungeon surrounded by filth and vermin. Not sure why.
(Increased affinity for vermin. Pests will be attracted to your dungeon. No other known benefits.)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"