Last night I cried.

I don't know why. But I just did.

I don't know what happened but something just came in me. And it just wouldn't stop. An avalanche of emotions and memories. All the times I messed up. All the times I hated myself. And all the moments where I still do.

Sometimes I just wish that I would just disappear. Then none of this mess would have ever taken place.

I guess that would have been better for Evelyn. I wanted her to be happier.

And I did. I walked out of her life. I guess I made her happy. But now, I see that neither of us are happy.

I think. I think how my life would have turned out I hadn't met her. If I hadn't got too close to her. Then at least perhaps we would have still been friends.

Gautama Buddha had said about attachment ; That Desire and Attachment are the cause of all suffering.

But even then, I don't think it would have made me feel any better knowing now that she is about to die. That her life was going to end in this universe.

I have always known that things end. Everything. Every little single thing in this universe has an end. And I knew that what we had between us, no matter how beautiful it is, would eventually come to an end.

But what I didn't anticipate was that I would be the one to initiate it. And that's the part that hurts the most.

The part where I hurt her. The part where I was blind and didn't see what was in front of me. And right now, forgiveness for myself, is as far as it can get.

And now here I am, sitting and writing her letters like a dumb ass. Hoping that she would read them. Hoping that perhaps tomorrow she might say something. Sigh. God I am stupid, aren't I ?

Before I had told myself that even if it's stupid, I at least like doing it. But now, I don't think I like it. Because every time I sit down to write, I think about you. And every time I think about you, I think about the way I hurt you. The way I behaved. And how I could have been better.

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And that hurts.

It hurts a lot.

Maybe what Sunil said was right. Perhaps I should just forget about it. Not think about it too much. Maybe I should just stop.

But how can I ? Huh ?

Evelyn please tell me,

How can I ?

* * *

Dear Evelyn

Do you remember your birthday ? I mean – the birthday where I was there, for the first time. It's a moment that I would never forget. The moment where I guess I might have shown my most selfless love for you.

You had never asked for a birthday party. You said you were not a big fan of it. I don't know why but it just came to my mind. To give you a surprise. I still am confused to this day as to why I did it. Was it because I wanted to see you happy? To see your precious smile and your unstoppable energy ? Or was it because I wanted you to see me ? To see how I was there for you.

Looking back now, I don't know if what I did was actually out of love or whether I was just pretending to be good to fit into your good books, I will never know. But the truth is, I can say without a doubt that seeing you that day the way you were, made me happy.

I will never forget the shocked look on your face when you realized I was there at your house. To see you skipping down your apartment corridor and coming towards me. To see you in your black t shirt and your hair bounce behind you as you jumped. Your bubbly squeak at that moment that made my heart skip a beat, feeling like it was up there in the sky. Your excitement that day was anything I had ever seen.

I realize now that whether I was being pretentious or not, what I did made you happy. And seeing your restlessness happiness that day, truly made me happy. And I guess that is all there is to it, to be asked for.

Yours ever so truthfully

Kriyank.

P.S.

A glass of wine

As intoxicating as it can get

Can never be as same

As living the day with you.

Your soul, darling

Is as old as it can get.

To have your kindred-spirit,

Is to be drunk on lover's edge.

Will your love ever feel old ?

A chance that I dream high

To spend your every night.

For your love, my dear

Will always be as new as gold.

A gentle touch, you make me feel

Makes my intoxicated heart even more.

For here I am to wonder,

What am I without you ?