*Alarm clock BUZZ*
*Alarm clock BUZZ*
*Alarm clock BUZZ*
*Alarm clock BUZZ*
*Smack*
I open my eyes, staring at the boring white ceiling and let out a sigh.
Another mundane day, I'm my otherwise mundane life.
What am I going to do today? It's Saturday, so no school today.
I suddenly bolt upright throwing off the covers.
"Wait a minute, why did I set my alarm so early if there is no school!"
Frustrated, I smash my face into my pillow, muffling my scream.
"AAAAHHHH I could have slept in!!!"
I take a deep breath... of stale sweaty pillow and let out another sigh in frustration. I then roll over on my back and stare at the plain white ceiling again.
"Typical. Just like me to fuck something up."
Oh yeah! Fantasy Realm Online had a large update overnight and there is a crapload of new content!
"Hell yeah! Another day of gaming! Things are looking up!"
Suddenly, a loud knocking at my door startled me.
"Christopher!"
Shit, its dad! Stay quiet! Pretend like you're still asleep!
"Christopher Allen Smith, know you are awake in there! I heard your alarm going off!"
FUCK!!!
"OK, OK I'm up!
My dad takes that as his que to barge in.
"Oh good, you are up."
SERIOUSLY?!
"Come on, I have chores for you to do!"
"Ugh, it's Saturday! Do I have to?!"
"Ya know, you are almost 18, in your senior year of high school, and you are still nothing but a lazy putz!"
"You don't get any exercise, you don't help out around the house, and your grades are shit, which is surprising considering you spend all day in your room! You would think a student spending all day in their room, would at least be in here studying!"
"Instead, you spend all damn day playing your Fantasy Bullshit game!"
"It's Fantasy Realm Online, Dad."
"Fantasy BULLSHIT!! The real world is right out that window!!! Now get your lazy ass up and help me in the front yard!"
My dad slams the door shut behind him.
I let out a frustrated sigh once again.
[distant]"I heard that sigh! Now get up!!"
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!
I grab my cell phone and open up my messages.
"Dickhead is probably not up yet, but I'll text him anyway."
07:40 Hey Dan! Let me know when you wake up. Patch 3.5 rolled out last night! Lots of new content and I wanna run that new dungeon asap! Need gearz! L8R dickhead!
"Well, might as well get this shit over with."
I throw on an Avengers shirt and the same khaki-colored shorts I wore yesterday (hey they weren't dirty), then head downstairs to the kitchen. Might as well get something to eat before dad puts me to work.
"Hey mom, anything made for breakfast?"
"Sorry dear, I didn't think you would be up this early. Accidentally set your alarm for school again?"
"Yeah, then dad barged in, read me the riot act, then demanded I help him in the yard."
"Well, I do wish you would take better care of yourself. You only have half the school year left. You have not said anything about your plans for after you graduate. You need to think about what you want to do with your life, sweetie."
"Ugh, here we go again!"
"I know you hate hearing this, but I can maybe buy you another year, then your father is going to kick out. You really need to consider your future!"
"A year?! Come on, how can ANY kid afford a place of their own straight out of high school?! It's not like when you and dad were kids and an apartment cost $25/month!"
"It wasn't that cheap. It was around $650/month here in LA back in 1993 when I was your age. But that's beside the point. I was on a scholarship to UCSB and was able to stay in the dorms, so I didn't have to deal with rent. Your grades aren't even good enough for you to get into a 4-year university. The best you can do is enroll in a junior college, and then transfer to a 4-year school IF you maintain a good GPA. If you choose that course, I can MAYBE convince your father to allow you to stay at home until you transfer out."
I let out the frustrated sigh of a million kids who have heard this same speech before.
[Distant scream]"CHRISTOPHER!! I'M WAITING!!!"
"Better go help your dad dear before he blows his cpu."
I sigh again. I'm not even sure why I sigh so much. Fuck it, I am who I am. I appreciate the computer pun from my mom though.
"Yeah, yeah..."
I grab a Pop-Tart and fill a bottle with water before heading out to the front yard.
"Shit, this Pop-Tart isn't even frosted. What a rip!"
I stuff the Pop-Tart into my face and guzzle some water to choke down the strawberry flavored desert dry cardboard pastry.
"About time you got your ass out here! Ok, first you need to rake the yard, but be careful because the grass is soggy as all hell from that storm last night. I don't want your clumsy ass ruining my grass!"
"When you're done with that, get up on the roof and clear off the leaves and clean out the gutters. I'll be out back doing stuff if you need me."
I take the rake that was leaning against the wall and look at the lawn. There is crap everywhere. We rarely see storms like the one we had last night here in LA. It's nice and sunny now though! I take a step onto the grass and my shoe is instantly swallowed by the muddy soil. I try to pull out my shoe but only my foot came out of the shoe. The unfortunate shoe remains stuck deep in the mud.
"Ahh fuck! Well, that fucked up my shoe!"
I pull my shoe out of the mud which makes a gross SLURP sound, and I try to get as much mud off my shoe by scraping it on the grass. Then I reluctantly put the shoe back on.
Well, I guess I'll do the roof and gutters first. Get the hardest crap done first. Hopefully by the time I finish that, the grass will dry out and will be easier to rake without me sinking up to my knees in mud.
I go to the garage and get the ladder, a broom, and a small garbage pail, then head up to the roof. My home is a Mediterranean style home with a really nice glazed Spanish style tile roof. You have to be careful when walking on that roof as these tiles are fragile and crack easily. I have had to do this chore a few times, and I have cracked a few tiles in the past. Man, you have no idea how pissed my dad was when I broke those tiles. Apparently, it's a bitch to replace these tiles, not to mention they are expensive.
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
The easy way to clean this roof is to sweep all the leaves and debris to the edge, then use your hand and push the leaves and dirt into the small garbage pail. I can't just sweep it off the edge as the gutter is right there, and I'll just make more work for myself if I sweep leaves into it.
I was halfway done sweeping the roof when I heard my cell phone chime letting me know I received a message.
"Hell yeah, Dan must be up!"
In my excitement I momentarily forgot where I was, and in my struggle to get my phone out of my pocket, my mud-covered shoe slipped on the still damp terra cotta tile. I overcorrected causing me to lose traction on my other foot, and I went down. All I see is sky, roof, sky, roof, sky, roof, as I roll down toward the edge.
"Oh FUUUUUUUCK!!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT!!!" I scream as I roll right off the edge of the roof.
SPLAT!!!
So here I am, lying there, flat on my back, just staring at the sky. My heart is beating a million miles per hour. I'm breathing heavily. Adrenaline is pouring through my body. But I don't hurt anywhere. I can see grass in my peripheral vision though. That's strange. I reach for my pocket to get my phone, but I have to sweep mud out of the way to get to it. I pull out my phone with my muddy hand and wipe it on the front of my shirt where it's still clean. Might as well see what my message says.
09:07 Sup virgin! The fuck you up so early for?! Yeah, I'm stoked to run the new content too. Hit me up. Hey if you want, bring your new Asus laptop over and we can play here!
Virgin?! Seriously?!! I sigh in frustration.
09:08 who TF you calling a virgin, dickface?! I've known you since kindergarten and you piss yourself if you even get close to a girl! 🖕 Btw I just fell off the roof.
09:09 WTF are you ok?!
09:09 yeah luckily the muddy grass broke my fall. I'm still just lying here in the mud. Not hurt or anything, just don't feel like getting up. It's actually kinda comfortable. 🤣
09:10 [selfie of me in the mud and a stupid smile on my face]
09:11 you are so fucking stupid! 🤣🤣
09:11 I'll hit you up when I'm finished with my chores and I'll head over.
09:12 awesome! See ya fuckface!
Yep, that's us. Fuckface and dickface... yeah, what a pair we are! Besties!
I sit up, slowly peeling myself out of my muddy coffin. I struggle a bit to pull myself up and I get back onto the pavement. I look at the grass and there is a scene right out of cartoon. A nice Chris size indentation in the muddy grass. I chuckle a bit and head inside to change, taking off my muddy shoes first.
As I walk past the kitchen my mom stops me.
"OMG sweetie are you ok?! I heard you scream.
"Yeah it's muddy out there cause of the rain. I slipped and fell into the mud. I'm just going to clean up and get changed."
"Ok dear, be careful."
I go upstairs right into the shower and strip off all my muddy clothes. I quickly shower off the mud from the rest of me, especially my hair. Yes, my muddy clothes are still in the shower. I really don't care.
[distant] "MOTHERFUCKER!!"
Huh? What was that!
I hear the front door slam and heavy footsteps running up the stairs. My door bursts open and my dad, as mad as a hornet, finds me in the shower.
"What the fuck did you do to the grass?! What, did you decide it would be funny to make a snow angel in the mud?!"
"Technically that would be a mud angel, right?!"
"Don't get smart with me! What the fuck did you do!"
I let out another frustrated sigh. Fuck my life.
"I went up to the roof to clean that and the gutters first to give the grass and mud time to dry out before I raked it as I didn't want to damage it. I ended up slipping on the wet roof tiles and fell off the roof. I landed in the muddy grass."
"Jesus Christ you are something else. Next time fall on the pavement and not the grass! Hurry up and get back out there."
"Yes dad."
And these people wonder why I live my life in an online fantasy world.
I finish cleaning up, putting on a new Iron Man t-shirt, and some denim shorts, then head back outside.
"Chris, did I hear you yell at your father that you fell off the roof?! Are you ok sweetie?!"
"Yeah, just fine, but apparently the grass is more important."
"Oh, stop that, you know that's not true."
"Mmmhmm, sure mom. I gotta go and finish my chores."
"Ok dear, just be careful!"
I head back outside and grab my muddy shoes and clean them off with the hose. Then I put them back on and head back up to the roof.
I was able to clean up everything in a decent time. I didn't fix the grass where I landed. Figured it would be funny to leave my Chris cartoon hole in the grass. Fuck it, my dad can fix that bullshit. It's HIS precious grass!
10:45 yo I'm done. I'm gunna catch an Uber and head over. Order some pizza for when I get there!
10:48 sweet! See you soon. I'll get my mom to order the pizza.
10:49 haha your mom, you broke ass! Must suck to be poorz!
10:49 fuck u, like you have a job! You mooch off your parents too nerd!
10:50 haha so true, see ya soon.
I take another quick shower as getting muddy again was inevitable. I chose a black Spider-Man Homecoming shirt this time, and a pair of grey Dickeys shorts. I had to get another pair of shoes out of the closet as my other ones were destroyed in this morning's shenanigans, ie me falling off the roof into a mud bath.
I didn't bother combing my hair... who the hell am I looking to impress? I can't exactly ask out one of the super busty bunny girls from Fantasy Realm Online! Who am I kidding, I don't even have the courage to talk to the nerd girls at school!
After getting dressed, I packed up my Asus ROG laptop, my pride and joy I received for Christmas last month. It has superior specs than my desktop PC has. I made sure I packed a mouse, power cord, screen cleaner, microfiber towels, and a can of compressed air. After all the essentials were squared away, I called for an Uber and head downstairs. My mom was in the kitchen getting prepared to make lunch.
"Hey mom, I'm going to Dan's house. I'll be there all day, I won't need lunch or dinner."
"Oh, ok dear. Are you sure you don't want something to eat on the way?"
"Nah I'm good, Dan is ordering pizza for us."
Well, his mom is actually paying. Broke bastard.
I head out the front door and pass my dad fixing the Chris cartoon imprint in the grass. He is grumbling obscenities to himself, most likely directed at me, his failure of a son. We have entirely different personalities. He is Gen X, and LOVES to go on about how his generation is the toughest because they were outside all day, drank from the hose, burned their ass on playground equipment, blah, blah, blah.
I walk past him without so much as saying goodbye. I REALLY don't want to give him a reason to read me the riot act again. I would rather fall off the roof again into a Vietcong pitfall filled with punji sticks coated in feces. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get me.
I park my butt on the curb and my ride arrives about 10 minutes later. It's a 15 minute ride to Dan's house but we get there in less than 12 parsecs cause this guy has a lead foot. I get out and thank my driver who just nods and speeds off, leaving two fire trails where his tires were.
I walk straight into Dan's house because it's literally my second home. No knocking needed, I'm basically family.
"Hey Mrs. P, how's it going?!"
"Hey Chris, Daniel is up in his cave."
"Cool thanks Mrs. P!"
As I head back toward Dan's cave, she yells back, "Pizza will be here in a few minutes!"
I yell back, "OK THANKS!!"
I burst through his door and yell, "Sup dickhead!"
"Yooo what's up fuckface! Plug in and get patched. I was reading the patch notes and the new raid has some sick looking gear. I hear it's item level 340!"
"Seriously?! That's awesome! I'm already patched and ready to go. I patched the game while I showered after my chores."
"Nice, then log in and let's roll!"
I logged onto my character, who is a healer, because I love healing and helping people for some reason, it's just my nature! Ugh, and YES is a super busty bunny girl... don't judge me. I'm a pubescent teen who has yet to even feel the touch of a girl, so of course I'm going to pick the unrealistically proportioned scantily clad bunny girl!
Over the next several hours we ran dungeons and raids, getting new pieces of gear, and overall having a blast. We gorged ourselves on meat lover supreme pizzas like the alpha male carnivores we are. We drank 4 Liters of Mountain Dew, putting us square into early onset diabetes. Basically, it was a typical day in the life of a gamer. Yes, we ate and drank the same thing for dinner too. Well, we threw a few Monster energy drinks in there between the Mountain Dew 2 liters. Gotta increase our chance of heart and liver failure along with the diabetes. Gotta spread the diseases evenly among your organs ya know!
Around 10pm we decided to call it quits. We maxed out our weekly allocation of tokens and item drops from the new raid, so we have to wait a week for those to reset. Basically, we ran out of shit to do, and we grew bored. Not to mention another storm seems to be rolling through. I can see lots of lightning in the distance and it seems to be coming this way.
What the hell man! Why did I have to almost kill myself cleaning up today if there is another storm coming in! I'm not doing that shit again tomorrow! This is odd though. Lightning is rare here in LA. We maybe get a storm that produces lightning once every 5 years. Even then the lightning is sparse. From what I'm looking at right now, there is almost a constant flashing of lightning filling the sky. I really need to get home before this crap hits!
My Uber finally arrives, and I'm disappointed I don't have my NASCAR driver I had on the way to Dan's house. Up pulls up a Prius! Fuck, these things suck, and their drivers seem incapable of even going the speed limit!
I climb in and say, "Hey is it possible you can hurry? I don't want to get caught in this storm!"
"Good evening! Storm? What storm?"
"What the hell do you mean what storm?! Do you not see all the lightning?!" as I point out the window to the lightning flashing.
I see the driver momentarily let his head drop, as if he is thinking, "Oh great another fucked in the head fare."
"Um, are you ok sir?" He asks.
I'm extremely confused. How does this guy not see this! This is the kind of storm people in Tornado Alley would be extremely concerned about!
"Y-yeah, look just take me home as fast as you can!"
"Ooook will do."
The driver starts heading toward my home, but this storm is right on top of us now. Lightning and thunder and buckets of rain. Wait, why doesn't he have his windshield wipers on?! I can't see 6 inches out the window!
"Excuse me, but why don't you have your wipers on?!"
"Huh? What are you talking about? Why would I need my wipers?"
"Dude, this is the heaviest rain i have ever seen! What do you mean 'What rain?'!"
"umm, ooooooooook"
The driver looks back through the windshield trying to forget I'm even here. What the fuck is going on here! My heart starts beating faster. Beads of sweat start appearing on my forehead.
Suddenly a massive bolt of lightning hits a power pole in front of us. Sparks fly everywhere, then all the streetlights go out!
"HOLY SHIT!!" I scream.
"SIR! ARE YOU OK?!"
I'm in a state of panic now. My heart is about to rupture out of my chest. My breathing is so fast you would think all the air had disappeared and I'm fighting for oxygen. Suddenly my head snaps to the right... HEADLIGHTS?!
"FUUUUUUU..."