Chapter 2

Dayberry, High Elf Capital

The Dreary Dromedary, Inn and Tavern

Four years had passed and thinking of all the coins that Raste had thrown away in places like this was making Karnas, well, not exactly angry but more depressed. Yet he wouldn’t abandon the old sorcerer, not until one of them was dead or until they found Prism Champion Collum and... What exactly? Wore his guts for garters, was Raste’s answer. Karnas would kill him, simple as that, but there had to be more that kept the pair of low-born wood elves together. Some secret truth that would wither if they ever actually spoke of it. We kill the Champion, we take the Wish Scroll and then... Again his mind dead-ended there. If it had two castings left then they could each have one. If it only had one they would agree on something that would make them both rich without attracting the wrong kind of attention. Simple. Smart. If they used the scroll on something like eternal life well then they’d both still be plain old mercenaries who just didn’t die. If they wished to change their station how would that look? Suddenly two woodies are Lords of the Prism? Once the Wish was gone it was gone. The other Lords, or the Queen, could just wipe them away.

How do you even know there’s a Wish left? It’s been four years. Would Collum sit on two more Wishes for that long? When he had the damn scroll in his hand? Most folk would never be able to hold on that long. Raste said the scroll would have three. Magic bloody number. Gotta be three, cousin. Raste also was sure that the bastard had used one right after the betrayal. Karnas wasn’t sure. If he did use one, what did he wish for? He up and disappeared. He took the scroll, and something happened with it undoubtedly, but what the hell did he wish for? He also took the corpse of the Goblin King but Raste didn’t think that mattered. He could raise it, revivify the King, but then what? There was no great goblin army for him to command. And why would that fucking paladin wish for that?

Raste walked into the tavern and sat at the corner table across from Karnas. The man was only a little drunk today. Maybe it’d be a peaceful night. A good meal, a drink or two, music-

“I know where he is,” Raste whispered and all hopes of R and R dissipated like a fart in a windstorm.

Karnas stared at the weathered face. The old man was somewhere near six hundred years old but he still had his teeth, and his eyes were as sharp as a hawk’s. He was clever too, just not wise. Another thing we have in common. “Let’s get a drink.”

Raste had this thing, kind of like a speech, maybe a life philosophy, that he would repeat sometimes when he was a few beers in on a night like they were having tonight. He would look around the tavern first and then say something like, “Malign paradigm shift!” and then just wait for a moment to see if any other patron would engage him. “What’s a malign paradigm shift you may ask? Well, cousin, I’ll give you an example. Say you're in a place like this. Bar or tavern, but it could be a highborn fete, don’t matter. You’re there, having a night, drinking, dancing, and your guard is down ‘cause of course it is. You’re chatting with your new mates and then suddenly it gets real quiet. You turn your head and you see that every damn person in the place is looking at you. Then you notice they’re drooling. Then they get up and start ripping their clothes off and growing hair and muzzles and fangs and suddenly you find you're the only one there who ain’t a werewolf.”

“Malign paradigm shift,” Karnas said. That was how this felt. A four year wait and suddenly it drops into their laps. Things were about to get going, about to turn bloody. He could sense it. “If he’s surfaced, if he’s making a move...”

“He’s going to use it. Collum is maybe smarter than we done given him credit for.” Raste was tapping his bony fingers on the wooden table in a furious rhythm as he spoke. “The bastard was setting something up all this time. Now that his plan is in place he’s coming out of the shadows, maybe. Word is he’s taken the title of Warlord of The Plains but he ain’t used the scroll again, is what I reckon. But this’ll be our only chance.”

“Maybe,” Karnas said.

“Aye. So here’s what I am thinking.”

The old man’s plan was clever, though not wise. Wise was forgetting all about this quest. Wise was remembering what happened in the legends to folk that used the Wish spell. Wise was accepting your lot and enjoying the modicum of tranquility a man could gain from a job done and coin in hand for a night of drinking. Wise definitely was not going undercover to join the enemy’s army out in the Hinters.

“So we deadhead it through godforsaken country, find his base of operations, and ask for a job? Raste, he knows our faces! We were there with him!”

“I ain’t saying we roll up and slap him on the back! We won’t be having a bloody reunion all ‘Ay! Champion! Been too long! Say what did ya ever do with that scroll you stole after you left us to die in the necropolis?’ No, he won’t have the foggiest who we are.”

“Disguises then? Plenty of mages can see right through even the best ones. Enchantments wear off. Unless you have a Shapeshifter’s Ring for each of us, we’ll be found out the moment we come under scrutiny. And unless Collum is a complete idiot he will be scrutinizing any and all mercs who want to join up with him.”

“Right you are, cousin. But we ain’t joining as mercs.” Raste reached into his cloak and pulled out two silver necklaces, one had a pendant of an ox, the other was a sneering horse.

“Oh no.”

Raste giggled. “I call the horse.”

Raste galloped past him. Prancing! The bastard is actually prancing! There was a crew of barbarian horsemen guiding the horses across the hilly grassland south of the capital. The oxen were hitched to wagons. Karnas was yolked and plodded slowly along the muddy road, the massive wagon behind him bumping loudly as they made their way on the uneven path. Flies swarmed around his face, and his ass. He was filthy. He stewed as he watched Raste stop alongside the road to nibble at some wildflowers. Their eyes met. Come closer, Karnas thought, just a bit closer and I can jam my horn in your bloody eye! Raste whinnied. Whether he was laughing at the thief or if it was just part of being a horse Karnas had no idea. They were unable to speak, to each other at least. They could however communicate with the other animals of their own breed. They didn’t know beforehand about that part of the enchantment.

“I should like to mate with you,” the ox next to Karnas said. It was a female, brown like him but bigger and with a messy mop of red hair that covered its face.

“I’ll have to pass, thank you though,” Karnas mooed. He didn’t want to kick off any drama with his team. He also did not want to have sex with a goddamn pack animal.

“You’ll make a fine mate. You are strong, young. Your balls are quite large as well. Yes. “Mmmmmooooooooooo!” She mooed.

“Oh dear god.” Karnas wanted to run, but he was quite literally trapped. We are two days into the quest and already it’s not worth it. Even for a wish.

The caravan left from Dayberry and made its way south across the grasslands. Karnas and Raste easily snuck into the pens the night before and activated the enchanted necklaces. At dawn the caravaneers were getting the animals ready for the journey and Raste was rounded up into a herd of unsaddles horses and Karnas had a piece of steel stuck in his mouth and a heavy apparatus set atop his shoulders. And that’s how it had been for two whole days. They gave the beasts a few rests and let them graze but it was grueling. Perhaps they were trying to make good time in this the first leg of the trip since once they entered the forests they would be forced to narrow the caravan and things would slow down. Karnas was limited in what he could do in his current form. His innate magic skills like Invisibility, Cartography, and Danger Sense were inert as an ox. His weapons and armor were equipped when they shapeshifted but they were hidden within his magical form. Until they reached Collum’s hideout, his war camp, he was stuck. He lowed in annoyance as the driver whipped his ass.

The cow, Karnas learned against his will, was named Melissa and Melissa was persistent. He figured that it was probably quite uncommon for a bull to refuse a mate and that was why she was so obsessed. She’d never been turned down. As they pulled the heavy wagon along the gently sloping hillside she spoke to him and the driver remarked to one of the horsemen that she seemed in a foul mood.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Indeed I am!” She bellowed. “This cheeky young bull has rebuffed me, time and time again! Dreadful! Even, dare I say it, obscene!”

Karnas chewed his cud, trying to remain calm. “Listen, Melissa. You are lovely and all but I just can’t with the mating today. It’s hot. I’m tired. My bloody back is killing me. There are other bulls on the team. Next rest stop, shake your rump at one of them and we’ll all be happier for it.”

“Highly irregular. Impudent. Your emission belongs to me, bull. And I shall have it!” Melissa punctuated her last words with a stomp and then she stopped walking. Karnas tried to keep pulling but it was no use. She dug in her heels, refusing to budge.

“Yah! Yah!” came the voice of the driver. His whip cracked on Melissa’s backside but she stood firm.

Karnas sighed. “Come on, Melissa. Don’t be like that! Keep going! They’ll hurt you if you don’t pull!”

“Not until you consent to be my mate! Swear by Gaiya’s grace that you will fill me with your-”

CRACK!

Karnas saw the cow almost buckle as the lash came down on her, harder than ever before. The driver was red-faced, cursing the ox. “You stupid beast! You’ll be lunch if you don’t pull this minute! See if I don’t gut you right here on the roadside!” he screamed.

Shit. This was attracting too much attention.

Karnas mooed at Melissa, “Alright! Alright! I swear it! But not now. After we stop for the night. Just please, Melissa, keep pulling!” She looked at him with those giant eyeballs. There was a long moment of contemplation and then the cow began to pull again. Raste, I am going to murder you.

The caravan stopped at a river crossing and then animals were set loose to drink at the grassy bank. The horsemen stood guard while the cart drivers bickered about the best way to cross the river. One was shouting at the small crowd that he’d forded this exact stretch hundreds of times. Others insisted they’d need to head south half a day more to ferry across. Some crazy old dwarf woman in a red bikini spoke of a beautiful stone bridge to the north, obviously built by her own clan generations ago.

Karnas drank while Melissa stood by, guarding him from the other female oxen. She made a few comments about his exposed genitals that made Karnas shiver and wish that he wore pants. Simple denim trousers. But how would I wear them? All four legs? Then the belt would be around my neck. Just the hind two? What about my tail? A horse’s shrill whinny brought him back to the moment. It was Raste. The sorcerer was looking at him, his lips pulled back emulating a smile. His teeth were even more yellow as a horse than as an elf. Oh, if you could only read my mind, you filthy skunk! The magic in the necklaces, or more likely the animal talismans on the necklaces, was very powerful. A perfect shapeshift was a tough trick for any caster but then making the shift last for days on end? That was on another level. Raste was a rare kind of sorcerer that could make magical items or imbue mundane ones with enchantments. The thing about him that Karnas had learned over the last few years was that he played his powers close to the chest. Who knows what other tricks he knows?

Raste nudged Karnas and then pointed his snout across the river. The thief saw it. A foamy patch bubbling near the far bank. As he watched the foam float downstream a pair of bulbous eyes peaked out of the water. Toadies, Karnas thought and once again wished he could speak. Toadmen were known to haunt the waterways near Dayberry. Just another feature of travel in the countryside. If you could see one there were probably more hiding nearby. They could be easily avoided by savvy guides or they could be bribed with food. However, certain times of year the toadies were more excitable.

The toadmen were beginning to approach their side of the river and none of the humans seemed to notice. It’s going to kick off! Karnas looked back to Raste who was now backing away from the riverbank and making a high pitch whine. Melissa was right next to him, drinking.

“Melissa!” Karnas said. “There are monsters over there! They are coming to eat us! We have to warn the humans!” The big cow looked up, water and reeds dripped from her mouth. Her eyes widened as she too saw the toadmen swimming toward them.

“DANGER!!!” she bellowed. Her voice was like a klaxon. Every beast raised their head and then, in unison, answered her call.

“DANGER!!! RUN!!!” they screamed. Then chaos erupted.

The animals ran off in every direction. The horsemen began shouting and readying their weapons. The cart drivers yelled at their own personal guards to protect them. Karnas saw all of this as he and Raste were swept up with a herd of oxen and other beasts racing without a destination he could tell. The sounds of battle came from behind them but it was mostly drowned out by the stamping of hooves. He felt something huge bump into his side. It was Melissa.

“Good job, Melissa,” Karnas mooed. “You saved the beasts!”

Melissa snorted. “You’ve a keen eye, my love. My heart yearns for you even more. I must have you! Take me right here!”

“We are running for our lives, you fool cow! I have had quite enough of-” WHAM!

Karnas crashed headfirst into the rear-end of the ox in front of him. The fleeing animals had suddenly come to a violent and messy halt. Some were breaking left or right others were lowing in terror. Karnas saw ahead of the herd what had stopped them. Four Toadmen warriors holding spears and shields.

“CROOOOOOOOOOAK!” croaked a toadie, and then they were all in the air, spears slashing through the dust clouds as they attacked the beasts.

Raste, the horse, had disappeared. Karnas looked at Melissa who put her horns down and charged. The toad she was attacking saw her coming and leapt to avoid the goring horns but as it jumped so did Melissa. By the Prism, that cow can jump! Karnas thought as he watched her fly six feet into the air to collide, horns first with the toadie. The warrior made a sound like a tremendous wet fart as he practically exploded all over Melissa. The ox landed, covered in toad guts, and glanced around for the next one.

“My love, I will protect you!” She mooed as she charged a smaller toad who was painted in yellow stripes. The thing froze in terror as she reared up on her hind legs and came down with the force of a landslide. Squish. “And this night!” Splat. “Under Gaiya’s own moon!” Slurp. “You will deliver your emissions unto me!”

“I think it’s dead, Melissa. You can stop smashing now.”

A few minutes later the toadmen were all dead or fleeing. Melissa stood proudly over the battlefield. Karnas searched for Raste but the man- or horse- was gone. While The animals were being attacked there had been another ambush on the cart drivers but nobody had died. It took a few hours for the caravan to get back on the road and the animals took the opportunity to graze and stand around. Groups of beasts had begun to form and whispers passed from horse to ox. Melissa approached Karnas, head lowered conspiratorially. “My love, there will be a secret animal meeting tonight at camp. Our coupling will have to wait. Pass it along to that horse.”

The rest of the day passed without a monster attack, and Melissa left Karnas alone mostly. He caught her gazing at him a few times, giving him a twisting feeling in one of his four stomachs. After seeing her fight he was feeling anxious about telling her that he just wanted to be friends. First bit of female attention I’ve had in ages and it’s from a damn ox! The caravan camped just outside of a forest filled with massive redwood trees. A full moon seemed to sit just above the canopy, washing the woods in blue light. The horsemen had erected a roped off pen for the herd and left some young ones to guard the animals, but soon the watchers were asleep and the animals slipped out of the pen and into the darkness of the forest. They all gathered in a glade not far from the treeline. What Karnas saw awaiting them made his jaw drop.

A woman sat on a fallen log. She was playing a flute softly, and she was glowing with ethereal green light.

Uh oh.

Karnas was no priest to be sure but he had been around long enough to know that when you found a magic glowing woman in the woods at night, you probably would not be surviving the experience. He did his best to blend in with the other animals as they all came together to surround the woman, as if she were about to put on a recital. She had chestnut brown skin yet her hair was completely silver, not gray with age as she must have been no more than twenty. She wore a laurel crown on her head and some kind of night dress with no shoes. Her eyes smiled at the beasts as she finished her melody and put the flute aside.

“Welcome, my children,” she said. Her voice was like a lullaby. Karnas had the brief thought that her voice held a magical charm of some kind but soon all other thoughts were wiped away as the woman seemed to fill his eyes and his mind. “We have asked so much of you all. To toil under man and elf. To die to fill their stomachs. It is hard for a mother to see. It is near impossible to stand by and do nothing, yet my way is balance in all things. A perfect circle of life, death, and rebirth. And no one understands the circle better than you. This is why I come to you now.” She seemed to look right at Karnas, her gaze lacerating him, coming down onto him like an invisible weight that crushed him. “The circle, my children, is in danger. And as is my right I have chosen from you three champions. Three to be blessed by mine own divine hand and given the grave task of exacting my will on Earth... and far beyond. Behold the Champions of Gaiya! Behold my guardians!”

The crowd of horses and oxen moved away from him, forming a circle with him and Melissa in the center. He looked at the cow and she, well she had that look on her face that she’d had the entire time he knew her. Serene. Stupid. He noticed something else, a small black beetle sat atop her head. The beetle seemed to gaze back at him. Raste! The bastard must have shapeshifted again during the toadie attack. You sneaky bastard! Now look at what you’ve done! Stealing back the Wish was going to be near impossible at the outset and now we’ve got the everloving Goddess of Nature herself breathing down our throats. One thing Karnas had learned from his time with the sorcerer is that a man should do whatever he could to avoid the attention of the gods.

The goddess spoke to them, “Karnas. Raste. Melissa. You, my chosen, bow to receive my blessing.” Melissa awkwardly got down on her stomach and Karnas followed suit. The beetle lowered its tiny horns but stayed on Melissa’s head.

Does she know we’re not really animals? Karnas wondered and then suddenly he was lifted off the ground. The goddess stood before them, arms raised as she cast some powerful spell upon them. Karnas opened his mouth to tell her, “Hey actually we are not beasts. This is all a big misunderstanding! We will be heading back to our camp now but it was very nice to meet you, your godliness.” But all that came out was a plaintive moo. Then the magic enveloped them.