It was with practiced ease that Clover went through the motions of spaghetti making. Out of anything and everything that he knew how to prepare, spaghetti now ranked at the top of his list in terms of familiarity... Mostly because of teaching Papyrus. But, that was besides the point! Bottom line, he'd had some practice with doing it quickly. Well... He didn't do it too quickly, he didn't want to worry his mom or anything. She already looked a little stunned at how fast he was working...

"So-"

"Pass me the strainer?" Clover held out an arm without even looking in her direction. He felt it in his hand a moment later. "Thanks."

"I didn't really get the chance to ask earlier, but how was school today?" Martlet asked as she prepared the sauce.

"Oh, school was uh... It was fine." Clover didn't feel like giving her many details about it.

"...Really now?" Clover didn't see it, but she raised QUITE the eyebrow at his lie.

"Really." Clover brazenly responded as he pulled a stool to the sink.

"...Uhuh." Martlet mumbled unconvinced. "So, mind telling me what exactly happened at school today then?"

"...Whatever are ya talkin bout?" He half heartedly responded as he poured the spaghetti in.

"Well, you always have so much fun with Kanako, if your day was only 'fine' something had to have happened, no?" She cheekily reasoned out as she de-seeded the tomatoes.

"Uh... Yeah, no! It was just fine." Clover was doubly protected, on top of having a good poker face, he also didn't need to look his mom in the eyes in the first place!

Martlet sighed, this was a little ridiculous... "Clover, you know you can tell me if anything is wrong, right?"

"...Yeah, I just... I don't want ya ta worry y'know?"

"Clover, I'm your mom. I'm pretty sure it's my job to worry."

"...Yeah, yeah." He grumbled as he poured the now strained spaghetti back into the empty pot. "Alright, so we were sparring in gym class today. You know how I told you how the rest of the class got partnered up, right?"

"Mhm... What's wrong with that though?"

"Well, there were five other students who didn't get paired up that day just like me. Kanako, Noelle, Domeria, Susie, and Matt..."

"Okay, I'm still following." Martlet nodded to herself as she continued to remove the seeds.

"So, Noelle and Kanako got partnered up, then Domeria and Matt... And then it was only Susie and me left. You can see where that's going, right?"

"...Oh." Martlet frowned. "And Susie was the monster who didn't get along with you, right?"

"Yup... I mean, I think we kind of worked it out today but... Well, it got a little bit more intense than what you'd think to call sparring." Clover shrugged to himself.

"...Wait, you don't mean..."

"Nothing serious happened, if that's what you're worried about." Clover quickly ran damage control. "We're both fine, nobody got seriously hurt. I de-escalated the fight... Though I totally won."

"...Clover." Martlet didn't sound very happy.

"What? I didn't even start anythin, I'd like to think I handled myself very well." He said defensively. "Though, we were supposed to be practicing with magic n'I didn't really do much of that... Couldn't really do it when it was either hit or get hit. What little magic I did get to work with didn't really work out all that well."

"Well... You're alright, right?" Martlet asked nervously as she finished her task.

"O'course, I was just a little tired. M'all good now." Clover smiled and tapped Martlet on the shoulder. "Anyways, noodles are ready."

"Great job Clover, I'll have the sauce ready in just a moment, how about you sit down?" She was still freely smiling, but after the news she just got it was a tidbit forced. But... Clover said he was fine, and he looked fine... So, it was fine, right?

"...Mmm, if y'say so." Clover rolled his eyes and made his way over to the couch, plopping himself down without further argument.

"Alright, be done in a moment!" Martlet chirped as she tried to take her mind off that information. That didn't really matter right now, she just wanted to have a nice night with her kid.

...

"Sho..." Martlet mumbled through a beak-full of spaghetti. "You were practicing magic at school today?"

"Uhuh," Clover nodded while he twirled his fork around. "Didn't make too much progress though, kind of feels like I hit a bit of a wall as well..."

"...A wall?" Martlet raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean a wall?"

"...I mean something feels wrong with my magic. It's kind of weird. I didn't notice it until dinner time yesterday, but... I don't really know how to describe it? Just, something in it feels kind of dull? If you get what I mean? I'unno... I don't really know anything about magic, maybe you could help me out?" He started to trail off as he continued to twirl the fork. He was just fidgeting to calm his nerves. Clover didn't really like talking about his own failings that much...

"Of course I will. I'd love to help in any way possible!" She chirped, and then snapped up another beak-full.

"...Thanks mom." He smiled and closed his eyes, then followed in Martlet's forksteps.

"Don't mention it."

...

"Well, whatever's wrong with m'magic is, sort of minor, I think? I mean, it's not like I haven't been able to use it. But, what I am using, it kind of feels like it's missing something, y'know?" Clover held what was effectively magic putty in his hands, entirely yellow in coloration. His, magic putty. "Like, I can use it just fine n'everything, but.." He let go of one side of it, held it up, and it began to stretch out.

"If I don't keep it together with more and more magic, it just kind of..." It completely fell apart. "...Kind of does that."

"Well... You think something's wrong with it, but what could it be? Do you have any idea...? Are you sure that's not just normal?"

"...No, it's not. I don't know how… It just... It's not normal." He frowned and magicked another ball into existence. There was no feeling in his magic, he just kind of... Did it. What was wrong with that though...?

"Hmmm... If you think something is wrong, It's not like I have a reason to doubt you but... Clover, how have you been using your magic so far?" Martlet tilted her head questioningly.

"...Whaddya mean by that?"

"I mean how are you using your magic?" She paused. "I'm sorry, you're just sort of a natural when it comes to the Underground in general, I guess I didn't really think about it. You wouldn't really know much about magic. That's the whole reason you're asking me for help, aren't you? Sorry..."

Clover smiled weakly and cleared his throat. "No worries, just... Please answer the question?"

"Of-of course. There's a few ways that monsters use magic, most monsters can sort of just think about it, and it's right there in front of them. They've just gotta really believe that their magic will show up, feel it in their SOUL, and it'll be there. That's by far the most common way, but it doesn't work for everybody. Have you tried that?"

Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

"...Ah, yeah, that's how m'doin it." Clover mumbled as he closed his eyes again. "I just sort of... Tada." A pole shimmered into existence in Clover's hand. He was still frowning though, that same, persistent feeling wouldn't leave him. It was incomplete somehow, lacking.

"...And you think there's something wrong with doing that?"

"No, I don't think so, I know so." Clover tossed it over his shoulder, and it safely vanished before it hit anything. "You said there's more than that though, right?"

"...Uh, yeah!" Martlet nodded enthusiastically. "I can't speak from experience here, I kind of just think my magic up into existence myself, but the other, less common way, is from strong emotions. Magic born of passion and drive. Magic like that also tends to have some more unique qualities to it. Have you tried something like that?" Martlet tilted her head curiously

"...Huh, nah, I don't think so. But what would I even do for something like that...? I don't think I really have anything like that, it ain't like I have any..." The thought stopped short as he blinked in recognition.

Martlet smiled nervously and tapped him on the shoulder. "Clover? You alright there?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah m'fine. Just had a thought."

"A thought?"

"...Yeah, you uhm... You said strong emotion, right? Having some kind of... Drive?"

"Mhm! Why don't you give it a try? I'm sure you can think of something!" She enthusiastically chirped and stood up, before looking out the window and promptly sitting down. "Well, I was going to suggest we go outside and try... But..."

Blizzard.

"So, you can just go for it in here! I believe in you Clover, you can do it!"

"Thanks mom." He mumbled and sat up straight. He'd need to do some soul searching.

...

Clover had never really made an active effort to remember his life once he'd remembered that he was a human... He... Well, he wasn't sure he wanted to remember. His life in the Underground was great, he had things he'd never had up on the surface. Real friends, a caring family, a safe home... Sure, some things stressed him out but it was still leagues better than anything he recalled from back up on the surface...

But, there was always this nagging sense of guilt eating away at him... He didn't like to pay it any heed. It felt destructive, terrifying even. He wasn't sure why he felt it, and once again he didn't bother to ask himself why. But... He had to ask himself this; was he holding himself back?

Clover couldn't put it into words, but there was an intangible sense of connection between his two woes. His magic's lack of substance, and the past that he was ignoring. The two issues felt somehow linked... If he wanted to learn how to truly use his magic, he'd also need to face something that he'd been ignoring for a long while now. But... Did he really want to do that? Was it worth it...?

It was as if he stood at a door. Behind that door were things he wanted, and things he did not. Both in equal measure. If he opened that door, he would not be able to close it again. His breathing began to quicken as his hand trembled by the handle. All it would take, was the desire to see past it. The only reason he hadn't really remembered at this point was because he hadn't wanted to...

His world began to spin, even with his eyes closed it felt as if everything was moving far too quickly, he began to hyperventilate, it felt like he was going to-

"Clover, are you alright?"

A comforting presence pierced through the veil, a bastion of reassurance against the oncoming tides.

"...No." He mumbled as he opened his eyes. In an instant, that vision vanished, the door left unopened.

"Do you... Want to talk about it?" She continued to gently caress his shoulder.

"...Also no."

"Okay... But you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"...Of course I do." Clover centered his breathing slowly, he calmed his still wild heart and leaned into his mom's touch.

Martlet was worried, of course she was. But what could she really do? One moment they'd been talking about magic, the next her son was freaking out! What were they thinking about...? Was it something about their life back up on the surface...?

"If... If it's about your real... Parent." Martlet remembered how much emphasis Clover had put on "parent" as opposed to "parents" in the past. "And what was going on with them, you know it's alright now, don't you...? You don't need to go back to that, ever. You're safe."

"No... No that's not what it's about..." Clover brought a hand to his forehead, gently dragging it down his face. "I.. I just... Something feels wrong, really wrong whenever I think about the reason I came to the Underground to begin with. It's not like I can't remember it... But..." He hesitated to ask his next question. "Is it wrong of me to not want anything to change...?"

"No... Of course not, that's not what you're worried about, is it?" Martlet frowned and pulled Clover into a hug. "No matter what happens, nothing at all needs to change. If this is what you want your life to be, that's fine by me. I love you, and I'll take care of you for as long as I can."

"...You mean it?"

"Of course I do! Well, unless you end up being a lazy bum like I was-but no! That's besides the point! And even then I'd help you spread your wings. BAH! Sorry, sorry, but yes Clover, I really do mean it."

Clover couldn't help but smile. That was just so... Martlet, they cared, they really did. Scatterbrained and a little… A little forgetful, but he could tell how genuine she always was. What she’d just said had been no exception.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Clover sucked in a deep breath, and he closed his eyes once again. The door was there. Still breathtaking, awe inspiring, heartstopping, all at once… But this time, there was a familiar presence anchoring him to this side. Even though the other side of it still scared him, that fear was balanced out by a very real sense of safety and security.

Clover’s hand once again drifted to the handle, he still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know what was behind the door… But, regardless of how much it scared him, it still felt important. Very, very important. He might’ve been avoiding it, but he was sure it would come back to him at some point regardless of if he wanted it to or not. Better to do it on his own terms.

Besides, he was a brave kid, he was sure he’d be fine.

Clover twisted the handle, and began to open the door. He actively chose to remember what he had been forgetting.

And immediately, he cursed himself for his own cowardice. The fallen, how could he have forgotten? Why did he choose to forget!? HE HAD REMEMBERED! He had already remembered it, but he chose to forget it!

As the door creaked open, the first of many truths proverbially sucker punched Clover. The fallen five children. The main reason he’d come to the Underground in the first place. Clover crumpled into the couch as he clutched at his forehead. How could he have…

Clover felt like throwing up, he’d already known since weeks ago, it had been the very first real, important thing that he remembered. So why, why did he choose to forget it? All the way back in the lab when he first remembered he had been human, the very, VERY first thing to come to mind had been that truth.

His other hand drifted to the side of his head as he sunk even further into the couch. Distantly, he could hear his mom calling out to him, but he paid it no heed. The battle going on in his psyche was of far more importance. His very SOUL felt as if it was shaking under the weight of his own willful ignorance.

Was your happy little life really worth more than all five other children?

No, I…!

Did you truly forget what you came here for?

I just…!

Coward.

He condemned himself. Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he stumbled back from the door, the gateway left open just a crack.

Open it. LOOK!

“No… I…”

Clover felt something make contact with his actual body, but it was distant, as if it wasn’t really happening to him. His ears began to ring as his own conscience waged war against him.

How long are you going to hide away from your purpose!? Did your father truly raise such a worthless runt?!

“No, dad didn’t…”

Then, GET UP!

The entire world around Clover faded from his perception, the convulsions of his own body went unnoticed to him as he got up once again.

One voice in his ear screamed for him to throw it wide open and embrace the result, the other begged for him to turn back… Both of them were Clover, but one of them was louder. Much. much louder. He took another step.

His hand latched onto the handle once again, this time it felt different, final. There would be no going back if he went through with this.

Do it.

Clover pulled.

…Clover remembered.

He pulled even more, it became too much.

Clover’s eyes shot open, the first thing he saw was a pile of sludge on the ground, and a taste of acid in his throat. He wasn’t sure when he’d fallen off of the couch, but he apparently had. Then the first thing he heard, was his mom frantically calling his name.

“Clover!?”

He clutched at his own throat, the world itself felt suffocating, as if the various parts of his life he’d remembered had begun to constrict around him. One of his hands shakily reached up to his hat, grabbing onto the brim for a familiar sense of safety… Only to not find it. The hat was there, but he still felt miserable. No, he felt even worse now. On top of his own negativity, a deep sense of dread formed itself in his stomach.

Where is it!?

Clover shakily rose to his feet, his entire body felt weak, but he couldn’t… He couldn’t stay down, he needed to find it.

“Clover, please, talk to me!”

He blinked in surprise as Martlet grabbed his arm. It was a good thing that she did, he was about to fall right over.

“I… I need it…” Clover mumbled to himself as Martlet helped him to his feet.

“Need… Need what?” She asked with excessive worry in her voice.

“My dad, where… Where is he?”

“C-Clover? Your dad…? He’s… He’s on the surface isn’t he?”

“No.” Clover’s eyes darted around the room, where was it? “No, I know he’s not.”

Where is it?

His eyes landed squarely on his bag. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t find the words. So instead, he began to walk. He would’ve collapsed in seconds, if not for his mom helping him along. She was worried, very worried, but didn’t say anything quite yet.

Clover dropped to his knees, gently helped along by Martlet, when he reached the bag.

“...Clover?”

His hands shot into it, he rifled through his possessions with a fervor that he hadn’t yet demonstrated in the Underground, period. His breathing grew quicker and quicker with each second that he didn’t feel his quarry, until his hands finally stopped on a familiar object.

Clover tore his old hat straight out of the bag. It was torn, worn, dirty and dated, but his heart slowed when he merely laid eyes on it. With a heaving sigh, Clover held the object to his chest and started to cry.

“I… Uhm… There… There?” Martlet mumbled and pulled Clover into a hug.

He didn’t resist.

Clover stayed like that for a while.