"HEY! WE’VE GOT A JUMPER OVER HERE!”

The male voice bellowed through the storm and chaos of blaring horns and flashing lights. A whimper escaped my throat to protest the burning in my eyes from his flashlight. I held my hands to my face to guard against it. My head ached as I stood close to the ledge, cold, naked, and confused.

"Ma'am, I'm here. Take my hand."

I hobbled forward, trying to catch myself as I faced the gathering crowd. People stopped all around to examine the spectacle. Red and blue lights flashed, bouncing off the heavy raindrops pouring from the sky. My mind refused to focus on anything other than the sound of his voice.

"I don't - wha - what’s going on?”

"I'm right here. I’ve got you. One more step. What’s your name, ma’am?” he asked, trying his best to guide me toward him, toward safety.

His voice softened, and the gentleness in his touch coaxed me from the edge. A horn shrieked through the momentary stillness, jarring me backward in fear. I held my head as the bombardment of lights and noise and mayhem filled me again.

“I - I - don’t - what happened? Please, sav-”

Confusion and havoc enveloped me and I collapsed, falling into him. The warmth radiating from him beckoned me closer. It consumed me, soothing my last waking moments before darkness closed in.

“Savi?… Savi?… Savi?… I’m right here. Come back to me. Savi?”

"Hmm? Oh. Sorry. I'm here.” Reality slammed me back to the present, and I turned towards Theo.

"Where did you go just now? You went there, didn’t you? Back to that night?”

His face was stern but understanding as he waited for my reply. I turned toward the window beside me to hide my frustration. Frustration at the fact I relived this exact moment time and time again. A constant reminder of the vast amount of information I didn’t know about myself.

"Yeah. Sorry.”

A small tinge of pain shot from the side of my neck, and I realized I had nearly rubbed it raw. Rain cascaded down the glass as if the sky felt my torment and wept for me. The concrete of the parking lot below darkened, echoing the heaviness in my chest.

"We've been through this countless times. Don’t apologize. It’s a natural part of the process. Reliving moments of our past trauma. It’s how we stay connected to it, work through it.”

I flashed him a bitter side-eyed glance and let my malcontent scurry to the surface. “Don’t you think I’m aware of that? It’s been two years, Theo. TWO YEARS! And I’m still no closer to figuring any of this out! It’s all I want; to remember who I am, where I come from.”

I knocked my head against the window and curled my hands around my arms. “I just want to find where I belong. Is it too much to ask?”

A tear rolled down my cheek as I studied my own reflection staring back at me. Wiping it away, I slunk toward the plump cream sofa in the middle of the room and plopped down.

"I understand, you’re still lost. That’s what these sessions are for. To work through the silence and try to recover some of your memory. The process works, if you work it, but it’s not a quick fix.” I scowled at him and opened my mouth to speak, but he continued on. “And before you say anything, I understand. Two years is a long time, but it’s progress.”

"I'm just so stuck, Theo. Like I’ll never figure this puzzle out. It’s maddening.” I scanned him, waiting for him to say or do something that would fix everything. He was my therapist after all. It was his job to make everything better.

"I realize that, but trust me. I’ll keep saying it till you listen. You may not be where you want to be yet, but look how far you’ve come. You have a job you love, a fantastic apartment, and made friends. So, we don’t yet understand where you came from or how you ended up on the bridge one night, but those things don’t define who you are.”

He closed his notebook and shifted to the edge of the chair opposite me. “Do you understand how lucky you are? Honestly. Most people never get to do what you're doing. Getting to decide who they truly want to be. You aren’t the same person from before. You are the person you decide to be now, in this moment. That holds so much more weight than you can fathom.”

It struck a chord deep down. What he said held truth. I was lucky; he was right, but it still didn’t change the fact I was alone and not a single person had come looking for me.

No one.

'Am I so miserable to be around that nobody wants me?’

It's a thought that comes up in every session. One I labored to avoid, but it comes nonetheless.

He eyed me as I sat in silence, sulking at the floor, and waited for me to respond. When I didn’t, he started again. “Are you still engaging in your hobbies like I suggested? Still working on your art therapy?”

The thought of my little studio and supplies waiting at home snapped me back to the conversation. Art could do that for me. From the moment I first picked up a brush, it worked. It kept me grounded in reality and out of my own head. “Yes,” I nodded.

"That's good. And how about your dreams? Are you still having the same dreams?” he prodded some more.

Theo was a master at squeezing in the hard topics among the exciting ones. I wiggled further into the sofa, hoping it would swallow me up so this conversation would end.

"Yes, they’re still happening. Every single night. Like clockwork. Lately, they’re more like a memory than a dream. It's hard to explain. New times of day, and new people too. They all know me, but they never call me by name or speak to me; they just go about their business alongside me.”

I drifted to my last dream where I swept the floor of a small cottage. Outside, trees lined my view. A lush and thick forest filled with birds choiring together. Wind carried their song through the open window, and the sweet aroma of pines danced across my nose.

It all seemed so real. Like I was there, living it. And like every morning, I would wake to the same bed, more alone than ever.

"Yoohoo, Savi. Come back to me… again.” He tapped his pen on the side of his notebook. I jumped as he pointed to his neck. “You’re doing it again. I realize it's a nervous habit - rubbing your scar - but if you’re not careful, with this much worry, I’m afraid you’ll accidentally hurt yourself.”

The odd U-shaped scar plastered on the side of my neck was another constant frustration. It's one of two scars I'd never remembered getting. I always tried to keep both of them hidden. The one on my chest was easily hidden with clothes, but the one on my neck was trickier.

"Sorry. I’m working on it as well." I eyed the floor, willing it to open and swallow me up, since the couch was failing to do the job.

"You're doing great, Savi.” He flipped his notebook open. "Now, when you have these dreams, are you still recording them in your journal?”

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

"Every morning, as always. I filled another one last week, so I bought a new one." I played with my braid instead of rubbing my scar to try and distract my mind from the sorrow creeping up. Tears stood at the ready, waiting for the right moment when I let my guard down.

"Another one? Wow, that’s your twenty-fifth journal. You’re filling them faster lately. Is there any reason I should be concerned?” He pulled his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose as he posed the question. “We’re getting close to the anniversary of last year, so be sure to tell me if there’s anything beginning again. There’s not, is there? Any voices?”

"You mean, besides the one harping about it right this moment?”

A snarky grin slid across my face, but I withheld eye contact. Last year was the last thing I wanted to discuss. How I teetered on the edge of madness, or how I spent the past year trying to understand it all. Giant holes of missing information still remained.

"Stop deflecting; you know what I mean. Last year was a lot, and it took some time for things to settle. It's not uncommon for patients to regress. Especially around traumatic anniversaries, so I'm trying to do my due diligence.”

I sighed hard at the lecture. “I know, I know. No voices yet. Do you think I have anything to worry about? Last year got crazy, don’t get me wrong, but I’m still telling you, it didn’t feel like me. We’ve spent all year going over it and what the doctors said, but I still...”

Warmth spread across my face, and my heartbeat rang in my ears. I fixated on the table between us and paused. The tears were readying their departure, gathering on my lash line, but not daring to defy my wishes and fall.

"Hey, it’s okay. I believe you.” Theo grabbed a tissue and handed it to me. “I realize this can be hard, but it has to happen, judge’s orders, and I’ve never pressured you. I let you come out as you felt comfortable.”

He shut his notebook and sat up tall. “I tell you what. You promise me if anything weird starts to happen, you'll call me. And I promise you I won't bring it up again until you’re ready to work through it some more. Deal?”

"You mean weirder than usual, right? I’m always weird.” I wiped my nose and tried to calm myself. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be all emotional on you. It’s been a long morning already.”

"No worries. Therapy is hard. I’m here for you if there’s anything you ever need.” He glanced at the clock on the wall behind me. “Well, that’s about it for today. Bring your notebook with you next week, and we'll go through it as you’re ready. Mmkay?”

Finally, the torture was over, but this morning would haunt my waking thoughts for the rest of the day. I sniffled as I lifted my shoulder bag over my head and across my body. Theo headed to the door, and I nodded to him as he handed me my umbrella off the rack.

"Perfect. Try to have a splendid rest of your day and stay dry in this weather. See you next week, Savi.”

I donned the best smile I could muster through the pain I felt deep in my heart. “Will do, doc,” I assured him and headed to the front desk.

Theo's office, tucked away in the back of a government building, reflected its budget at every turn. The decades-old waiting room chairs and the tread-worn carpets held a certain aroma to them. One I found an odd comfort in over the years. Comfort in the hope of finding answers here. But it felt right to be here, even on the hard days.

The receptionist at the desk was taking a call when I walked over. He waved his hands in grand gestures while he spoke, his blonde hair bobbing above his ears enthusiastically. A smile highlighted his kind blue eyes as they met mine.

Feigning a pleasant morning, I mirrored his polite expression and waited.

"Yes, Mrs. Peters. I understand, Mrs. Peters. That's such a wild story, Mrs. Peters.” He mouthed ‘HELP ME’ as he listened to the voice drone on.

Jakobi was always kind to me, always making polite conversation, but today I was in no mood for it. I stood in less of a mood now with the current of emotions swelling through my mind. A headache threatened to run rampant from the stress of it all.

"Okay, you’re all set, Mrs. Peters. Next Thursday at three p.m. with Dr. Barnes. Bye now.” He set the phone down and his eyes widened. “Whew, that poor woman can talk. How are you today, Savi? I saw you sneak past me on your way in. Everything alright?”

"Yeah, sorry. You were helping another patient and I didn't want to disturb you. I signed myself in and Theo was already opening the door for our session, so I went in. How are you?" I tried hard to maintain the pleasantries, but I wanted nothing more than to leave.

"I'm good. I watched the latest episode of the show I told you about last week. It had me on the edge of my seat the whole time!”

Ah, here it was. The extra conversation I dreaded. Most days it didn’t bother me how Jakobi was so friendly. Sometimes I got the impression he had a crush on me. He was always courteous to other patients, but he went a step beyond with me, bordering flirtatious. I hoped now would not be one of those times.

Without saying a word, I gave a half-grin so he continued on. “Well, you should give it a shot and watch the first few episodes. It can take a minute to pull you in, but once you do, you’ll be hooked. I mean, if you like that sort of thing.” Panic settled in him at the one-sided conversation, and he changed the topic. "So, what day would you like to see Dr. Barnes next week? Thursday sound okay?”

A tinge of guilt sparked in me for not conversing further. "What time does he have available Thursday? I have to work, but I'm off at four.”

"It shows five is available if you can make it. Unless you have plans for dinner or something that might get in the way?” His eyes darted to the computer, and a flutter of instant regret washed over his face. Another tinge jolted in my stomach.

'Any other day, but not today.'

"Five works for me. No dinner plans.” I shifted my weight to my other hip, eager to run away from this. “Besides, you know nobody else cares for my dining habits quite like you,” I teased, trying to ease the awkwardness of his flirtation and soothe my guilt over the coldness I’d just shown him.

'Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.'

It wasn’t as if I didn’t find Jakobi attractive; I did. The lightness of his shaggy blonde hair and the coolness of his icy blue eyes were the perfect contrast to his tan skin. It all wrapped up into an incredibly well-favored package. It’s more the fact I’d never been in a relationship before and was skeptical of starting my romantic journey with a guy I met at my therapist's office.

Jakobi's eyes widened and he put his hands up in the air. “Oh, I didn’t mean to - I was just saying, if you were busy I’ll check Friday for the appointment.”

"I'm screwing with you, dude.” I let out a small chuckle to assure him everything is okay, so he would relax. “I’m just having a little fun after such an intense session. Five on Thursday is fine, but man, you should have seen your face!” Another giggle escaped. “Like a deer in headlights.”

"Ha, yeah," Jakobi humored back, still cautious of the situation. “I didn’t mean to pry, but since you mentioned it, you don’t have dinner plans?” He grinned up at me, his head tilted to the side. He was so adorable when he gawked at me like that.

'This is therapy, Savi, not a dating service. Pull yourself together.'

"Nah, only my usual self-loathing over a quick bite alone and then back to the daily grind of life.” I stood firm in my thought process; this was therapy. I tried to give him a convincing smile, but judging by the reaction on his face, mine defied my wishes.

'Genius, now I’ve made a weird conversation even weirder. What the hell is wrong with me?'

"I'm kidding...again. Well, somewhat.” An excessive amount of thoughts about how terrible I was at small talk sacked my brain. Red flags of each wrong thing popped up, back to back. I rubbed the side of my neck, thinking of a way to sway things back on track. “I’ll probably just be working on some of the paintings I have going on. That’s what I mean.”

'Perfect save? If he believes me.'

Jakobi threw a slow, unconvincing nod and grabbed an appointment card. “Well, that sounds like a fun-filled evening. I hope you enjoy your art time.” He jotted down the information for the next visit and handed it to me. “See you next Thursday.” A brief glimpse of defeat swept across his face, and my gut did a full rotating flip.

'How can I feel so bad over something so silly?'

"Yeah, thanks. I’ll be seeing you too, Thursday.” I snatched the card from his hand and turned toward the door. My umbrella knocked against the desk, and sheer embarrassment took over.

'Gods, I’m such a mess. Run along now before I crash and burn any harder.'

As I reached the doors, I heard him mumble something to himself. I dared myself to turn and look. Out of pure curiosity, I did. He had pulled out a notebook and was holding it close to his face as he scribbled.

'See, I must not be the only one who’s keeping a journal. Perhaps he sees Theo too, which gives me more reason to keep my distance. As the wise doctor always says, you have to love yourself before you can love another.'

I shoved the thoughts away and stepped outside. During my embarrassing talk with Jakobi, the rain had subsided so I glanced to the sky and the clouds rolling overhead. The smell of rain soothed my nerves, calming me from the chaos of the morning. I picked out a few shapes in the clouds before pulling out my phone.

Taking it off silent, I checked the time, and my emails. Nothing.

No calls, no texts, and no emails.

'Deep breath. Someone out there has to be looking for me.'

A few deep breaths of focus passed before I dialed a number.

“Hey Savi! OMG you need to get here as soon as possible! You’re gonna freak out over some of this new stuff we got in this latest shipment!” said a chipper voice on the other end of the line.

"Wow, Rach, how much coffee have you had today? Take it down a notch… or twelve; it's way too early for this amount of hyper."

“I don’t know… one… five. I lost count, but shut up and get here! I promise you won’t believe this stuff! I mean, I don’t understand, it’s all dusty and gross, but I know how you are, and the minute they unloaded, I knew you'd be floored.”

“Alright, I’ll be there shortly.”

I laughed, imagining Rachel so hyped up on coffee, and made my way to the bus stop at the end of the parking lot. More deep, slow breaths as I walked, preparing for the bombardment of chatter that was to come.