Chapter 1
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“Reality rejected... Synapses shattered... Vanish from this world!!”
* Rikka Takanashi, Love, Chuunibyou, and Other Delusions
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I open my eyes.
“ …It’s an unfamiliar ceiling.”
Yes! I’ve always wanted to say that line, and it came out naturally! I think!
Well, technically, I’m using the word ‘ceiling’ loosely here. Above me is a sea of undulating green.
Blinking a few times to clear my vision, I shift around in my prone position, wincing slightly at the cramp I’ve developed in my neck. With my mind not quite up to speed yet, I muddily wonder why my bed is so hard… and curved, and why the ceiling appears to be green.
Then, all in one go, the full unadulterated extent of the flaming shithole I’m in hits me like a truck.
“Shit!”
I swear as I sit up ramrod straight from my prone position—only to slam my head into something behind me.
“Fuck!!”
I scream in frustration.
No no no, now’s not the time time to lose your head, me! Pull yourself together!
Taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down, I try and reconcile myself with my present situation while gently holding the back of my head.
Ok, sooo… got to do the cooking by the book. First things first: take in your surroundings.
Currently, I’m roughly straddling a tree branch jutting out from the main trunk, which I smashed my head against, about five meters or so above ground.
Ah, good morning tree-san. You could be a little nicer to my head, you know?
As I orient myself, I realize also that the sea of green I had thought was the ceiling before is actually the grass-covered ground, and fortunately, not the sky.
From the actual sky, which is blue, morning light streams gently downward through the matted leaves above me. Thankfully its source is only a single ball of flame in the sky, unlike the moons.
How would the day-night cycle in a two star system even work? Didn’t they explain this in St-r Wars or something? Planet… planet Tattotine? Yup, screw that. Keplerian orbits for the win! [1]
The morning breeze is cool on my skin, carrying with it a slight dampness that would explain the few trails of fog hanging in the air.
Am I… by the ocean? Fog occurs when one is near a large body of water, right? A lake perhaps?
I awkwardly turn around on my branch to attempt to crawl towards the limb's extremities in order to scout out my surroundings. It was only now that I realized that the bark felt so cold—and why I was so uncomfortable while sleeping. The most of this tree is covered in a grayish sort of… crystal?
Tapping at the so-called bark gave about as much information as tapping stone. Any of my attempts to scratch it weren’t met with any success either. Now that I notice it, most of the trees in the distance have their trunks covered by this gray crystal too, but most of their branches are bare save for the low-hanging ones which are packaged with the material as well.
I involuntarily left out a shudder.
What kind of creatures live in this forest to warrant this kind of trait? Surely a wolf or two doesn’t justify this. What is this stuff? Calcium carbide? [2] But trees don't have electric arc furnaces… Wait, does the periodic table still exist here?
Leaving aside the bark and the ever-growing amount of questions I was starting to have, I carefully made my way towards the end of the branch, where I confirmed the coast was clear. Since the clearing sloped upwards with tree-san at the apex, it gave me a bird’s eye view over everything, the other small fluctuations in the terrain not large enough to hide any dangerous predators.
At least I hope that’s the case.
At any rate, there was no point fretting from up on the tree, so I gradually made my way down to terra firma. I had judged that if any monsters approached, the size of the clearing would give me enough time to scramble back up the tree.
Either that, or I’m screwed either wa—
“Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, me!”
I pep-talk myself as my shoes touch down on the soft, green grass.
I breathe in deeply.
The air is fresh and crisp, mixed with a bit of ozone, and judging from the smell, other volatile organic compounds that plants release, giving it a refreshing aftertaste.
I said that the clearing was beautiful at night, and its appearance in the day doesn’t disappoint either.
The field is a veritable palette of technicolor, with flowers of every color set against the vivid Chartreuse green of the meadow. The brook from before babbled merrily as it traipsed between low cuestas in the land. The sun’s rays too feel warm against my skin, unlike the harsh glare endemic to my native California.
Ah, so things can still be good even when life is a dick—
And that’s when a thought occurred to me.
I hurriedly look down at my body and grope my chest.
Rub~ rub~
…
“I’m flat.”
I declare empathetically.
No, I’m not saying that just because my breasts are tiny. I’m not about to get involved in that “flat is justice” debate. I said that because the body part in question is both literally and figuratively nonexistant.
I’m still male.
“Damn it all!!!”
I scream in despair as my legs go limp and I fall on my knees, a quick survey of my crotch having peer-reviewed my previous thesis.
“The genderswap tags… they’ve lied to me… ”
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Ignoring the part of me that just died inside from the shamefulness of the declaration, I couldn’t resist the urge to pull myself into a fetal position.
“It’s not like I have gender dysphoria or something, but since this is a whole nother world and all, being turned into a girl wouldn't hurt… ”
Muttering to myself, I draw up my legs and huddle by one of the tree-san’s massive roots while nursing the remains of my shattered fantasy.
“But… but you know what? It’s alright. W-who wants to be a girl anyway? They… they’ve got periods. And… and back pain! Crippling back pain! Systematic discrimmination too, if the medieval tropes are to hold. Right! Who’d want to be female in the Middle Ages?”
Skirting the fact that nearly every novel I’ve read has a female adventurer in there somewhere, not to mention the fact that I’m edging very close to sounding sexist, I manage to cajole myself out of my depression.
“Life is a bitch.”
I grumble aloud contumaciously.
“Yeah, fuck you life!”
I reiterate in an act of solidarity with myself.
“Great, I sound suicidal now. Sigh… at least you’re with me. Right, tree-san?”
I look towards the massive tree that I can now call my first home in this world.
“You know, calling you tree-san seems a little cold. Ah, I know! Let’s give you a name!”
“ … ”
Let's also ignore the fact that it’s clinically proven that attachment to inanimate objects is a sign of anxiety…
They really could be sentient you know! A mute tree spirit or something! It’s not another world for nothing!
Setting my mental health aside—always a good phrase to say right there—I busy myself thinking of a name.
“Oh, how about Treeana?”
I proclaim unilaterally.
“ … ”
Of course, there was no response to be had from Treeana-san. She—no, they’re a tree after all.
How do plant genders work again? AP Biology, help me out here… Nope, nada, nothing. Goddamnit C-llege Board: what good is a five on your hundred-dollar exams if I can’t even remember how to identify the sex of a plant? [3]
On a second thought, it might be a bit unfair to blame a high school class for not covering the anatomy of plants from another world, but since this is an opportunity to blame C-llege Board, I'll take it.
As they say, don't look a prize horse in the mouth.
“Since the defendant provides no defense, they’re guilty as charged. Treeana-san it is!”
“ … ”
Treeana-san is delighted with her new name.
Hmmm… what now… Oh, that’s right.
Survival.
Hu hu! My Boy Scout training can finally shine!
That’s right, the order of priorities in wilderness survival is first-aid, fire, shelter, water, then food!
Or was it first-aid, water, fire, shelter, then food? Wait, did I just forget shelter?
...
It’s been two years since I've been in Boy Scouts, ok? Don’t judge me!
Goddamnit, sometimes I just wish I can magic my problems away…
And then I facepalm.
“I’m so friggin’ stupid.”
Of course! This is another world! There’s got to be magic! And cheat skills!
I’m obviously the protagonist, so cheat skills are a must, right? Pffft. Who’d want to read a story about a bloody normie.
Naturally, the first thing to figure out in another world are your own stats. What? This is like the gazillionth thing I’ve done since coming here? Shut up! A man's got to have his journey of self-discovery, alright!?
With that, I deliver the cliche where it’s due:
“Sutatasu!”
…
Eh? Perhaps the system is a pronunciation Nazi? Surely that must be the case, as no sort of interface ever appeared.
Haha, of course a system in another world would not understand the broken English from anime, so standard American English it is!
“Status!”
…
Nothing?
“Menu! Login! Linku sutaato!” [4]
In defiance of my laborious attempts, the ever-elusive diaphanous blue screen never shows itself.
Uhhh… well this isn't awkward at all. Uhhh, perhaps this world isn’t a LitRPG, but utilizes a more laissez-faire kinda magic system? Yup, that’s gotta be the case.
Without thinking, I cover my left eye with one hand, my other appendage outstretched cornily in front of me.
I’m sure any eighth grader worth his eye patch would tremble in rage at my poor excuse of a chunni stance, but it would have to do. Thankfully, there’s no one out here to judge me—I hope.
“Oh darkness, darker than night,”
Er, what goes after that… ah!
“Oh flames, unquenchable like a fluorine fire.”
Umu umu.
“Obey me, for I am—”
I am… ?
“I am an agent and eye of the evil lord… ”
Wait, why am I a subordinate!?
“The most vilest of evil lords… ”
You know what? Fuck copyright.
“I am an agent of the Dark Flame Master—Y-uta Togashi!” [5]
I guess that sounds kinda right?
“Return all creation to cinders, and rise from the abyss!
“EEEXXXXXPPPPPPLLLLLLOOOOSSSSIIIIOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!” [6]
And I watched wide-eyed as glowing embers began to appear before my outstretched hands. The tiny sparks slowly coalesce into a glimmering orb, before spontaneously fusing to form serpentine flames.
The crimson arcs of plasma gradually twist in on itself, turning into a swirling vortex that grows wider by the second as it disintegrates everything it touches. The grass, the trees, the river: nothing could escape the wrath of my power.
Muahahaha!
I watch on in self-satisfaction as a giant swath of the impregnable forest was simply rendered into nothingness, with the remainder letting off thick plumes of black smoke that would make any EPA inspector puke blood—
DID NOT HAPPEN!!!
There was nothing! Nothing I tell you!
Absolutely no reaction!
No flames, no smoke, no magic.
Not even a spark.
All there was, was…
Was me.
I could practically see myself in third person: a young adult male, in a ragged white button-up and slacks, standing in the middle of a field of grass with his hands extended in the kamehameha pose.
At my extemporaneous outburst, the forest seems unusually silent, seemingly unsure whether to laugh aloud from the cringe or die from second-hand embarrassment.
A cold wind, too, sweeps through clearing, gently caressing my exposed skin as if to console me, but it only results in a shiver running down my spine. Even Treeana-san seems stunned as, despite the breeze, the ubiquitous rustling of its leaves is distinctly absent.
…
Slowly.
Ever so slowly, I let my arms fall to my side.
Letting my vision drop to the ground, I take a deep breath to gather my nerves.
Tentatively, I look towards Treeana-san.
" ... "
Treeana-san stares squarely back, disapprovingly.
“Ha… ”
I let out a sigh as I nod my head in understanding.
And then I fucking book it for the forest.
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[1] Kepler Orbits - I realize Wikipedia isn’t the most reliable source, but it’s sufficient for you to know what I'm referencing
[2] Calcium Carbide - obviously our protagonist needs to brush up on their geology
[3] College Board - for our foreign readers, they run the SAT and stuff
[4] Linku Sutato - reference to Sword Art Online
[5] Dark Flame Master - reference to Sanae Dekomori from Love, Chuunibyou, and Other Delusions
[6] Explosion - reference to Megumin from Konosuba (in case you’ve been living under a rock)