"Well, you two look happy," Faith said, the next morning. "I take it someone's no longer a virgin?"
"Technically, I still am, and 'technically' is all I care about," I said, picking up the second half of my sandwich. The sandwich was the greatest of culinary creations, having been independently reinvented by dozens of different cultures around the world; there were many like it, but this one was mine. And it had a really good tomato slice on it, to brighten up the sausage patty and fried egg. "The technicalities present some loopholes."
"I'm not even mad about the month he spent knowing about the loophole and not sticking his tongue through it," Talia said. "That's how pent-up I was before last night."
"Also, he asked me to turn into Talia back in the warehouse," Volex added. "Which Talia here thought was romantic."
"Honestly, it wasn't even that," I said. "I've just got a type, and Talia happens to be a prime example of it."
"Hey, I think it's sweet that my boyfriend looked at a succubus who could turn into the sexiest woman he could possibly imagine, and just asked her to turn into me," Talia said, leaning her head against my shoulder. "Also. Faith. When's it gonna be your turn?"
Faith smirked, and chuckled once, just a quick lift of her chin. "Depends. When will you give me one?"
"...I'll have to get back to you on that," Talia said, frowning. "He still doesn't like you all that m-"
"I don't mean a turn with him, I mean a turn with you," Faith said, putting a hand on Talia's shoulder.
"...Ohhhhh, I see."
"Joseph might look like a butch lesbian to me-"
"Hey!" I protested.
"-but that delusion would probably be pretty hard to hold onto with his dick in my mouth."
"Okay, can we please talk about something else?" I said. "Yes, Faith, I'm fine with you fucking my girlfriend if she's fine with it too. The issue is settled, we are moving on. What do you two think about joining the Adventurer's Guild?"
"It's hitting the same notes that made me want to join the Paladin's Guild," Faith said. "Plus, just because I joined the Guild straight out of high school doesn't mean I don't want an education. I just figured it'd take longer to get one."
"Personally, I just wanna get out there, meet more druids, and learn from people who aren't my Mom and his dad," Talia said. "I also wanna follow you guys around, so whatever we decide..."
"Personally," Volex said, emerging from her reliquary in the space of a second, "I think you should go for it. A university education is a valuable thing, even if you are the child of two grandmasters who you think can teach you everything you want to know. Exposing yourself to more perspectives and expanding your horizons is always a good thing, and while, yes, you can just go to a regular university... Trust me on this: the University of Mount Fate is very much worth the effort. Besides, it's where Terpsichore went."
"Alright, alright," I said, sighing. "I'll take that under advisement, but bear in mind I'm willing to accept a median university education in exchange for not getting shot at, so..."
"Oh, that's going to happen to you no matter what," Volex said. "You're not just a Mage-Knight in a society that hates elves, you're the Mage-Knight who proved that humanity isn't safe just because the unicorn glades are gone. People are going to try to kill you for that alone. But at Mount Fate, well. There, that sort of thing is an expected problem for students to have, and the faculty can be expected to actually do something about it."
I reached into my pocket, pulling out her reliquary, and twisted the cap, sucking Volex back inside. I didn't feel great about having a fully sapient person on a leash that I could, whenever I wanted, put in a cage, but I wasn't enough of an occultist to meaningfully do anything about this, and...
...well. I'm not going to learn occultism from my mom. She legitimately doesn't know anything about the practice; not once in her centuries did she so much as dabble.
"I will get to it when I get to it," I said, before putting the glass tube away. "Ugh. I know Mount Fate is a thousand miles away, but like... it is a direct rail connection from here to there. All we have to do is get a train ticket a week before the equinox and ride the train for a few days. We have four months to mull this over."
"Would you accept a change of subject?" Faith asked.
"Yeah, sure, what's up?" I asked.
"Talia, do you have opinions about Volex?" Faith asked, and I groaned.
"Hey, if I get to have a paladin girlfriend, he gets to have a succubus girlfriend," Talia said, shrugging. "It's only fair. Unless I start fucking Volex too, in which case either he has to start fucking you, or he just gets another shot at finding another girlfriend who's only interested in him."
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Someone knocked on the front door, and I hastily finished off the rest of my sandwich as I stood up. "I'll get it." I would take any excuse to escape this conversation quicker. And after a quick hustle, I opened the door to find an unfamiliar elf man standing there in a tuxedo. He'd either be an out-of-towner, or from the Ducal Palace.
"Is this the residence of Mister Joseph Ironheart?" the butler-looking man said diffidently. Probably the Palace, then.
"It would be," I said calmly. "To what do I owe the visit, cousin?"
"Duchess Melody Redwater humbly requests your presence at Redwater Palace today, for a private audience," the butler said, producing from within his waistcoat a folded sheet of parchment sealed with red wax, into which was embossed the seal of House Redwater, which had ruled this Duchy ever since the War Of The Roses. "Is there a message that Sir would like me to convey to Her Grace?"
"...I'll be there, but I'm not making any promises," I said. "Have you eaten breakfast, cousin?"
"I have, but thank you very much for the offer," he said. "I'm afraid I can't stay long, sir- this is but one of my many duties today. By your leave?"
"Don't let me hold you up," I said, and he nodded and walked off. I closed the door, parchment in hand, and sighed. "It's just one damn thing after another, isn't it?"
"You want me to kill them for you?" Talia asked.
"Tempting, but not yet."
---
Duchess Melody Redwater was much as I remembered her: obnoxiously hot, and dressed in what constituted relaxed casualwear for an aristocrat of her station. However, seated next to her on the couch was a girl somewhere between the ages of 15 and 21, who could not possibly be anything but Melody's own daughter.
The young black girl had a bob of bright pink hair, whose tight curls kept it close to her head and out of her way, and wore the traditional white robes and silly hat of the Healer's Guild, with a staff that marked her as a freshly-fledged Healer- not a novice or apprentice, but a proper Healer in her own right. Considering that this was a distinction that typically took eight to twelve years to earn, for someone who joined the Healer's Guild fresh out of high school or university, I was more than a little impressed by the fact she'd managed that while being so young and fresh-faced.
She was also, much like her mother, unreasonably stacked, with her healer's robes having clearly been custom-fitted to accentuate the fact. A little weird, since those robes were sacramental to her Guild, but hardly the most blasphemous thing an aristocrat had done to keep up appearances.
"So, Mister Ironheart," Duchess Melody said, once I'd seated myself on the couch opposite theirs. The letter had been quite clear: it was a private audience, for myself and myself alone, and so Faith and Talia had been made to wait outside, despite their bizarre insistence on following me everywhere like person-shaped ducklings. "I've been told by no less than Archmage Helen herself that you've been invited to join the Adventurer's Guild."
"I have," I said, nodding. "I'm considering it, but..."
"Well, perhaps this can sway your considerations," Melody said, reaching into her generous cleavage to withdraw a roll of parchment.
"Okay, before you tell me what is on the parchment, I simply have to ask," I interrupted. "Do you have a Bag of Holding in your cleavage? And if so, could you please tell me how it's arranged? My girlfriend asked me for something like that, and I've been trying to figure out how to make it work for nearly a month now."
Duchess Melody flushed a little, but mustered her composure quickly. "I- yes, well, I do in fact have such a contrivance. It is... Perhaps after we're done here, you can follow me to my chambers, and I will show you my spare."
"That would be lovely," I said, nodding. "Apologies for the interruption- please, continue."
"Upon this parchment is a writ of knighthood with your name on it, Mr. Ironheart," Melody said, popping the wax seal and revealing precisely that. "All it needs is your signature, and you will be officially recognized as a Knight by the law."
"...And you have a task in mind for a Knight of your house," I said quietly.
"Allow me to introduce to you my daughter, Lady Emily Redwater," Melody said, gesturing to the pink-haired girl beside her. "She joined the Healer's Guild when she was only twelve years old, and has already earned her staff as a fully-qualified Healer at the age of eighteen. And she has decided to join the Adventurer's Guild."
"...Hi," Emily squeaked out, waving very gently, and failing to meet my gaze.
"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to escort her to Mount Fate, and guarantee her safety during her education there," Melody continued.
"Are you... certain you want to join the Adventurer's Guild?" I asked. "I mean no offense, but there has to be something deeply wrong with you to fit in with the Adventurer's Guild. I earned that invitation by killing a man in the streets in an unusually gruesome way. Lady Emily, however... Well, nobody who makes full Healer before they're 20 is unexceptional, but I think whatever's wrong with her is incompatible with the sort of mental illness needed to be a good Adventurer."
"I... I'm certain," Emily said, nodding vigorously, her hair bouncing a little as she did so. "It's... This is important, to me. More important than anything ever has been in my entire life."
I nodded slowly, and then sighed.
"...Well. I suppose, if I'm going to have this many people badgering me into going to Mount Fate... then fine. I'm going to Mount Fate. I'll sign the Writ of Knighthood, and make sure Emily gets to Mount Fate safely. The price of a fourth train ticket is hardly going to be prohibitive."
"The train?" Melody demanded. "Absolutely not, young man. Trains get assailed by bandits all the time, and I will not make my daughter a sitting duck on one of those rattlebox deathtraps."
"So, what, you want her to walk there?"
"You are a machinist, Mister Ironheart, and if the stories of yesterday's escapades are any indication, you have a knack for constructing vehicles. So... construct a new vehicle which can convey my daughter to Mount Fate quickly, comfortably, and safely."
"...Fine, but you're paying for it."
Duchess Melody reached into her cleavage, drawing forth a bundle of paper bills. "Will ten thousand dollars suffice?"
"...It'll do," I said, accepting the stack of bills from her. "Well, ma'am, a pleasure doing business with you. I'll get back to you with my vehicle once it's complete."
"Very good. Now, if you will follow me? I did promise a demonstration..."
"Ah, of course. Goodbye, Emily."
"Goodbye, Joseph."