Him

“Be honest, what do you think?”

“I’m impressed!”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

I looked back at her reluctantly. It wasn’t like her to be so positive from the get go. Something was up.

“Why are you impressed?” I asked her.

“Because it’s a huge step!”

“Yeah…?”

“And it shows you’re committed and serious.”

“Dead serious!” I added.

“That’s great, hon. She’s a great girl. I think you’ll both be happy for many years. I’m really happy for you!”

Many years. A bit cynical perhaps?

“I’m happy too, mom, but that’s not what I’m asking!”

“Oh?”

“The ring itself, I’m asking what you think about the ring.”

“Oh! Of course! Silly me,” she replied.

She paused again. It was starting to irk me.

“So?”

“What?”

“The ring, woman!”

“It’s nice, Jamie, don’t worry about it!”

“It’s nice?”

“It’s nice!”

“Would you say ‘yes’ to a ring like that?”

“Depends on who’s asking…”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“If it would have been your dad, I would say ‘yes’.”

“Great!”

“If it would be someone else, I’d ask whether they really mean it. Is it more on the cheap side?”

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I sighed. There she was. She never failed to disappoint.

“It’s called being on a budget.”

“What if you hadn’t bought those fancy sneakers, then what would it have been called?”

“I thought you liked the sneakers.”

“They’re great, hon, but 500$, really now? Were they actually worn by Michael Jordan or they just slapped his name on them? C’mon, now, you’re looking to get married, right?”

“Unbelievable! I knew I should have spoken with Jon instead!”

“Oh, what does he know!” she snapped back at me.

“He’s my best friend!”

“Pfff!”

I nodded in disappointment. I just couldn’t win with her. And she was far from finished:

“Maybe you should return this. I could burrow you some money and get a proper ring.”

“I don’t want to burr–“ I stopped. “What do you mean by ‘proper’? Is it that bad?

“Don’t worry, hon, it’s non-refundable. The loan, I mean.”

“Ok, we’re done here. I’ll take you home.

I called the waiter and asked for the check. When he brought it, mom intervened:

“Please, sir, I will pay. My beloved son, here, needs to invest in jewelry.”

**

Her

“Oh no!” exclaimed Emily.

“It wasn’t that bad, calm down!”

“Poor guy!”

“Oh don’t ‘poor guy’ him. He’s my guy, and he’s fine. He probably half-expected it.”

“Natalie, he proposed and you said ‘no’! You broke his heart! He’ll probably never get an erection from you, again.”

“His heart is fine and he will always have mine, I just don’t need the silly paper to prove it. His erection is fine, too. I checked shortly after.”

Emily placed her face in her hands, all dramatically.

“You’re just something else!”

“Look who’s talking.”

“Em – real talk. I know you always said that you’re not into the idea of marriage. But I just thought you were full of shit, because no one was asking you at the time. Like all women say that, until they’re actually asked.”

I sat back in my chair, looking at her with some satisfaction. There was a compliment hidden there somewhere.

“And out of all the guys to do this to – poor Jamie!”

“Should I bring you a violin?” I asked.

“Poor, handsome, clever Jamie.”

“Do you want to accept his proposal, instead?”

That made her change gears:

“Was it romantic? Did he do something romantic?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, he did.”

“Oh my god, what was it?”

“We were watching this film – Jerry Maguire,” I said.

“Oh no!”

“And he popped the question at the same time as Tom Cruise in the film.”

“You were supposed to do the “You had me at ‘Hello’!”

“I know!”

“But you didn’t, you heartless shrew!”

“I’m not Renee Zellweger,” I shrugged.

Did I call Emily dramatic, earlier? She was being melodramatic. She was being hysterical.

“What if it really mattered to him?” she asked after a while.

“It should matter to the both of us just as much. Listen, it doesn’t mean anything. I still want to live and be with this guy for as long as humanly possible. And if we ever change our minds about it, no amounts of silly papers should weigh into our decisions.”

“You’re scared of that silly paper, aren’t you?” she asked me bemused.

“Terrified!”

We laughed and laughed.

“It will be ok, I concluded. We’ll be fine as we are!”