Chad Chaddington II slipped off the used condom and plopped it in the toilet. He tried relaxing his body until his bladder kicked into gear again and had a good piss, with a fart added in for good measure. He flushed and walked naked to the sink to wash his hands. He would have preferred not to use a rubber, but he didn’t want to catch an STD a few days before his wedding.
Chad stepped back out into the hotel room. The girl he met at the nightclub–what was her name again?–was passed out in bed. All those fireball jello shots must have finally caught up with her. Ugh, Chad thought, cringing. She looked better with her clothes on! Cellulite. Some love handles. She would have benefited from a little nip / tuck. Chad knew several good cosmetic surgeons he could refer her to, but let’s face it–he would never see her again.
Chad slipped on his boxers, his chino shorts, his turquoise Brooks Brothers polo shirt, and his leather L.L. Bean boat shoes (without socks, of course). He checked to see that his wallet, Rolex, room key, and smartphone were still in his pockets. Lastly, he made a quiet exit.
Standing in the hotel hallway, Chad blinked in the bright artificial lights. He checked his watch. 4:49 in the morning? Jeez. He might have felt tired under normal circumstances, but he was still jet lagged from his flight. His sense of day and night was reversed.
Plenty of time to hit the blackjack tables downstairs, Chad thought. Then I can crush the breakfast buffet at 6 before catching the monorail to the park.
He and his groomsmen had an 8:30am departure time reserved.
*
Later, the monorail carried him away from the hotel and casino district, carrying him on elevated tracks over a glistening man-made lagoon that surrounded his destination. A massive sign in glowing lights announced, Welcome to Isekai World!
Isekai… Isekai… Some Chinese word or something, Chad thought, checking the score on his phone from yesterday’s Duke Lacrosse game.
The monorail sailed over the blue water, approaching the incredible fairy-tale-esque structure built on large elevated platforms above the lagoon. The entire place was enclosed within a giant dome, accessible only by the Isekai World monorail system. As the monorail slowed into the station, Chad saw his friends waiting for him: Hudson, Brooks, and Vinny.
“Bro! You made it!” Vinny shouted in welcome, an oversized pair of white novelty sunglasses adorning his spray-tanned face.
Chad disembarked and exchanged the customary fist bumps with his squad.
“Chad, are you ready for this?” his best man, Hudson enthused, going in for a chest bump. “This is going to be the Best Bachelor’s Party Ever!!!”
Chad had seen articles about Isekai World on CNN or whatever, but he still didn’t fully grasp the concept. Something about a fully immersive video game experience in another dimension. He had played Madden and Call of Duty back in college, but hadn’t touched a video game in years. Chad would have preferred Tijuana, Vegas–something like that for his last weekend of freedom. But through his connections Hudson had scored VERY HARD TO GET and VERY EXPENSIVE tickets to Isekai World, so Chad just went with it.
The four guys made their way through the crowds up the winding path to the departure station. Before departure, all the guests had to sit through a mandatory orientation presentation. They took their seats on rather uncomfortable bleachers arrayed in a semi-circle around the stage.
A bubbly, effeminate guy in an Isekai World uniform babbled over a headset while an animated video played on the screen behind him. A lame purple-skinned gnome mascot danced and cavorted on the other end of the stage. Chad took the wad of gum out of his mouth and stuck it on the bottom of his bench seat.
“Ever since mankind learned to harness the power of Multiverse Travel, a world of infinite possibilities has been opened to us! Every reality that can exist does exist, and our great founder had the vision to find the perfect alternate dimension–one where all your fantasy gaming dreams are a reality! Using our patented…”
Chad started to zone out. His wedding was just a few days away. He thought about his fiancee, Christina. God, she was so smokin’ hot! He couldn’t wait to tap that ass. She was ‘traditional’ and wanted to ‘wait’ until marriage. That was almost a dealbreaker, but she was so hot, and had a pretty good personality too. It didn’t hurt that her dad was a senior partner at a prestigious investment firm in Manhattan. Dude even owned his own yacht! If Chad could win over Christina’s dad it would be a great career move.
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“... remember, NO outside technology or electronics are permitted during Gate Travel. For your safety and the safety of our guests, only the Character+ Pass, your portable character sheet and stats tracker badge, is allowed in the Portal Station. And with that, I want to wish everyone a Happy Isekai World Adventure!”
That last announcement was repeated in Spanish. There was modest clapping from the guests as the presentation ended and park staffers began to usher the crowds through an area filled with personal lockers. Chad and his groomsmen were each assigned a locker and began powering down their electronics and storing other belongings.
Screw this… Chad thought. I need my phone to keep track of my cryptocurrency portfolio. He glanced around and, when he thought nobody was looking, slipped his phone into the back pocket of his chinos before closing the locker.
Park staff handed out the personalized Character+ Passes, draping the lanyards around the necks of each guest. Next they began walking up to the security checkpoint.
Chad hung back and let his groomsmen go first through the metal detectors. First Hudson, then Brooks, then Vinny. Chad followed behind and–BEEP BEEP BEEP–the metal detectors went off.
Chad held up his wrist, his expensive Rolex flashing.
“Oops, forgot to take this off,” he said to the teenaged worker with the poor complexion. The worker sighed in irritation and scanned Chad’s Character+ Pass as he handed over the watch.
“We’ll tag it and you can pick it up at Guest Relations after your adventure,” the worker mumbled. “Next!”
I can’t believe that worked! Ha ha! Chad gloated, having managed to sneak his phone through security.
Hudson pointed ahead to one of the many departure gates in the station.
“That’s our Gate. C-1,” he said, checking their reservation.
A small but dramatic flight of stairs led up to a massive metallic archway. A blue energy portal crackled and shimmered in the middle. The guys lined up and waited as other guests were led through, one at a time. Each guest disappeared through the portal as a nearby staff technician pressed an activation button on a console.
“This is going to be dope,” said Brooks. “I’m going to be a Wizard. Shoooom! Shooom! Lightning blast attack!”
Chad stifled a yawn. This might not have been exactly his jam, but he would make the most of it. Traveling to a fantasy world wasn’t all bad. He saw that Lord of the Rings movie once. An alternate dimension where he could do whatever he wanted and make his dreams come true?
I’ll bang a few Elves, kill some animals, drink some medieval brewskies, Chad thought. Then come back in time to tie the knot with Christina.
One by one his friends stepped into the gate and vanished in a flash of light, transported to a distant dimension through the portal.
“See you on the other side, bro!” Hudson called out boisterously before going through.
Finally it was Chad’s turn.
He stepped forward. The shimmering energy field made all the hairs on his body stand on end, like a strong static charge. The technician at the console next to him nodded, ready to push the button and activate the portal.
“Enjoy your adventure,” the worker recited in a bored monotone.
The button was pressed and the electric charge and bright light intensified. Actually, it dramatically intensified. Crackling bolts of energy nearly blinded Chad and he felt a sharp pain on his right buttcheek.
Jeez, is this normal? he thought. Chad heard concerned murmurs and people running behind him but the noise was drowned out by the overwhelming wall of crackling blue light and surging noise. Finally, with a plunging feeling in the pit of his stomach, the world dissolved into nothing all around him.
*
When he came to his senses, Chad was in a dark, clammy place. He could barely see a thing, groping all around. Was this a sauna? Were the walls made of rock? What was happening?
His head hurt like a mother and his body ached in various places.
“Oh my god, that sucked…” he groaned. “They need to have a disclaimer. I could sue those bastards for all they’re worth over this…”
But where was he? It was so damn hot, Chad soaked through his polo shirt with sweat almost immediately. And it was so dark, and dank. An overwhelming smell of burning eggs hit his nostrils. He could barely breathe in the thick, stale air. He blinked heavily, trying to make out the source of light in this dark cave-like setting.
“Hudson? Brooks? VINNY? Where are you guys???” he called out. His voice sounded hollow as it echoed into the distance.
If this was a wonderful fantasy dimension where all your dreams came true, somebody had messed up. Chad felt nervous. He knew something was wrong.
He groped his way forward toward a light source. As he got closer, the overwhelming heat intensified. In pits carved out of the rocky ground he noticed burning fires, sending black smoke and ash up through the cavernous expanse and casting flickering shadows all around.
“Bros! Where are you!?”
As if aroused by the commotion he was making, Chad saw a small red creature emerge from one of the pits. It looked like some sort of goblin or gremlin from a movie, with two small horns on its head and gross red bat wings. In its little clawed hands was a long pitchfork. The creature flashed a wicked smile of sharp, crooked teeth at Chad.
“Oh, God!” Chad yelled, backing away from the creature.
“Nope. Guess again!” the creature said in a raspy, high voice, cackling as it flew closer and closer.
“What is this… what are you?” Chad sputtered, backing away until he bumped against the rock wall. “OWW!”
The wall was burning hot. Chad fell forward on his hands and knees, but soon found the ground was just as hot to the touch. He scrambled back up to a standing position. Only through the protection of his boat shoes could he stand the heat.
“This doesn’t look like the pictures in the brochure. WHERE AM I?” Chad demanded.
The devilish imp smiled and cackled once more.
“Don’t you know, Chadwick Preston Chaddington the Second? You’re in Hell!”