Beautiful serenades.

Oh, to sing an aria under the night sky for you.

I’ve always dreamed of luscious foliage in the midnight summer courtyard. We tend to sneak in through the back entrance at night whenever we feel like it, and stargaze; school life’s naught without their fair share of trouble, right? At least that’s what I believed.

I still remember it so fondly. The way we would laugh, having small-talks and stuff while we rested ourselves on the never-ending lushes of grass washed in a beautiful pastel green. I can almost fall asleep laying down.

We’ve always wondered, oh to have such a starry sight anywhere else in town, but we knew it was because of the landmark. The school is built atop the high cliff, and it’s usually a long road walk to and from here. The stars light up the most here, and to have such a clear view of it — I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Then, with no moment to spare, I told her, “hey, random thought — totally out of the blue. But like, do you wonder if,” I paused. Words stuck at the top of my throat, “anytime other than summer break, we could stargaze again together..? No one else, just us.”

I was young at the time. Captivated by the moment. Enthralled and embezzled in the midnight delight. Before I knew it, I’ve come to terms with my feelings for her, and I no longer want to back away from it. There's no turning back now, is it?

“Yeah.” I heard her, silently whispering underneath her breath, “let’s go again sometime.” She fiddled with her fingers as she continued to tap on the grass continuously. I glanced at her, noticing how nervous she must’ve felt. I’m sort of touched, because knowing her, she’s not the expressive type. And for what to me seems like a brief moment, I saw her beam up.

I didn’t know what to say. I was just happy beyond what I could imagine. I've never seen her smile so upfront, so close and personal. It almost seems unreal, so it's safe to say I was in disbelief as I asked her, “You promise, right…?”

Still locked in the fantasy. I was wondering just what could’ve been going on in her mind? I want to know what she’s thinking, and especially her impression on me. I tried to avert my gaze, but I couldn't. I don’t want to. And neither does she.

Her eyes shot up and she looked me in the eye, and after collecting her thoughts, she told me, “I promise, Natsuyuki-kun.” We were still on a last name basis. I guess none of us had the balls to start calling each other by our first names. Regardless, too many feelings were running amok amidst my shock. I can’t help but be elated by her response. She gently grazes my shoulder, reassuring me, “let’s stay like this forever… okay?”

I got lost in it. Her eyes. I was completely hypnotized. Have you ever wondered about those precious, boisterous memories — where you’ll lose your very sense of time? Everything felt frozen in place during this one instance. I was reeled in, like a fish caught by a fishing pole, struggling to get out, but ultimately sucked in. In the eyes of the beholder, she saw me: perplexed, and lost. But in my eyes, she was all that's made me feel free. My whole life lit up in that moment, and I knew… I just knew: I never want this moment to end.

“Yeah.” I want you to stay forever with me… but I couldn’t say that to you. She was quiet the whole time. I always feel the pressure to break the silence whenever I’m with someone to not bore them, but I don’t feel like talking. I just want to take this in.

She’s a very reserved girl, I know that. I wonder if it relates at all to her name? Her given name is Miyu Chinatsu; Miyu translates to a gentle sea, whilst Chinatsu means a thousand summers. Looking back, her name fits her all right. Notwithstanding, she’s still got her own fair share of problems, at home and at school. Our relationship isn’t exactly the best, and we’re not close enough to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Awkward duo, so it seems. It ended with us gazing into the sky, basking in moonlight.

With no words left to say to each other, we smiled as we looked into the panning horizons. The stars are countless, but at that time, I couldn't see anything but her; nothing was as beautiful as her under the mesmerizing night sky — tantalizing, and dazzling. I was spellbound by her magic.

However, time doesn't repeat itself, and these precious moments come to stay only as relics of the past. It only went downhill from there. You can't expect life to always be sunny-side up like an egg, sometimes the egg you make doesn't turn out the way you want. Beggars can't be choosers, but it’s not like we have a choice, do we?

Alas, it just didn’t matter now; it doesn’t matter anymore. Summer went by, and while we still talked, I can still feel the distance between us. I’m sure she felt the same way too — but we both were too scared to bring it up. So I stayed, and watched, as we both grew older; as we both grew apart. It wasn't hard to notice that our bond was waning, and it doesn't take an absolute wizard to know it's only going to get much worse than this if I don't do anything about it.

I heard she had family issues. I wonder what that’s about? I never bothered to talk to her about it. I was scared; scared of being seen as a jerk and whatnot. I’d be horrid to know I could tip her off if I did that. It irks me of how socially impaired I am with my lack of communication, but it was apparent she didn’t really want to talk about it.

It’s not like I didn’t want to rekindle our light, and a simple conversation can just resolve all this. There’s just so many things going on now. I was 14 and she was 15, life didn’t really hit us yet. In the passing years, school and responsibilities didn’t weigh as heavily as it seemed. More and more, we just gradually lost touch and time with each other. It also doesn't help that she's a year older than me, which also means she's my senpai. Her classroom is on a whole other floor, adjacent to us. Even more reason not to talk to her — she must be pretty busy, and then to talk to a junior? Funny. I'd just be baggage for her in the end.

We went our separate ways, each busy in whatever life we’re heading. She got a part-time job, and it was derived from her passion to cook. I heard that one time, her mom lashed out at her for her inability to cook. Of course, I didn’t hear this from her. Her friends did. I was simply a bystander who happened to hear their chit-chat.

Although, there's always been this hole in my chest my entire life, like I've been waiting for something — (or) someone to come to me, to realize my dreams. Back then, it didn’t really mean much, did it? I mean, all I had to do in life was enjoy whatever time I’m spending with my friends. But as I grew older, the societal pressure began to weigh me down. School became more of a recurring issue, and plans to go out became a chore. Same thing happened to her. She’s got a job, and everyone else did. My parents quickly took the initiative to compare me to them and I just had to hop on the bandwagon myself. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? To enjoy life and not think much about the other stresses? I know I shouldn’t rely on anyone for my own achievements, for my own dreams to come to fruition, but why does it feel like there’s no point? The more I go on about my life, the more I question my purpose.

I didn’t ask to be born just to laze away, but that doesn't mean I want to be someone working mindless hours with no enjoyment whatsoever. I know I have no choice, I know that it can’t be helped, and I know there’s no use stressing over bygones. But, does it really matter? What if I actually did become who I want to be? Would it actually feel as fulfilling as I thought? What if it doesn’t? Why does it feel so much better to sleep in, eat delicious food, and not do so much work? Isn't it a hassle now that you think about it?

One time, I was working part-time flipping burgers. A customer stopped by the side of the road to pick up his order. I told him, “here you go,” I paused, looking at the burgers I’ve just wrapped. My voice, despondent as I was turning and surveying the wraps, “oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you order one more?”

He was quick on the uptake. Not a bad person, I can tell. “Yeah, it’s fine, you’ve been working late-night shifts, have you not? Take your time.” I appreciated that, no matter how small his concern was towards me.

I began to scramble for words to say, laughing away my drowsiness as I began to cook one more patty on the grill. “Ahaha… I’m sorry. My mind’s been on a whole ‘nother cloud these past few days, and I’m not exactly awake as of late. Sorry for messing up your order a bit, sir. I sincerely apologize for my mistakes.”

He upheld his humble demeanor. Reassuring and comforting, to say the least. “It’s totally fine, I get ya!” As he waited for me to finish assembling his last burger, he gazed up at me, “isn’t it kinda sad how you kids are already working so hard and late? Don’t you guys still have fantasies about being in love and enjoying your teenage school life?” He lit his cigarette after imposing his question. “Oh, to be young…”

It posits. No, really. It really hit me. I didn’t know what to tell him at the time, but what came to mind, just flushed out. “It’s not that I want to, but more so I’m obligated to.”

“I see,” he locked eyes with me for a brief moment with a poignant look on his face. What was it that he wanted to say, but didn’t? “Well, I sure hope you won’t be doing this for long. Life’s short, kid; make the most out of your adolescence. Enjoy them if you can, when you can.”

I can’t deny what he said is true, but there’s so many things on my plate that I feel like trying to juggle them will cause ruin and collateral damage towards my social life. If I can’t take care of what I must do, I can’t take care of what I want to do. So I’ve got to divert my gaze, and lock in my focus: what must be done.

So, with a sly and crooked smile on my face, I told him, “well—“ I stammered. The drowsiness was getting to me, and it was nauseating. “It can’t be helped, I guess.”

Yeah, it can’t be helped. No shit! Everything I did wasn't voluntary, it was necessities. I didn’t do all this because I wanted, it’s because I was asked to. If I didn’t find a passion, if I didn’t do something about my life, and if I just spent the rest of my days enjoying it: I’d just lay waste, dead. So, what then, should I do?

I wanted to run away. I'd be lying if I told myself that my problems weren’t overbearing. I’ve known for a while, but I stuck to it — because living is painful, but death is even more painful — so I continued to persevere. I continued to live, scrambling and tumbling for any chance to get better. More, and more; I wanted to be even better. If I can make my life better, I'll dedicate myself to it.

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But it was easier said than done. “Mom, did you buy the books I told you to?” I was struggling with school, and financially too. “Do I have to go out and copy notes online again?” All I could do was sigh and continue onward.

Everything is systematic. I want to be happy doing stuff that interests me, but it’s seen as wasted time. I’ve spent so much time stressing over school and other things clouding my mind and judgment I can’t even see straight — I can’t even live without thinking, I could’ve done something productive right about now.

So what if it’s reductive? Then to suddenly grow old and need to be aware of social cues now? To understand body language and whatever? What is this? I’d wager life would be much simpler and easier to manage without them than to know all this. It’s all so confusing. I can’t simply fathom all this on my own, you know? Not only that, I have to be aware of so many other things, and the pressure of not knowing just messes with my psyche.

So I lowered my expectations. As I grew older, and looked at my bad grades, I changed who I want to be. By fitting in, I steadily picked myself up. I was happy with my own growth. Personal growth, and a sense of achievement; who wouldn’t be delighted? Then, I dreamed of being a writer, but my English sucked, so I practiced and refined my grammar and read so many light novels in my pastime. After a while, I found out my ideas weren't good enough, and that my writing style will never be accepted, since it's way too unprofessional. I gave up on that too, but I continued to dedicate myself to studying, in search of passion.

By the time I was 17, I stopped dreaming. If eating and sleeping, and any other everyday necessities have any significance, then I'd dream of eating a big ass bowl of the best ramen in the world, or sleeping in the most expensive bed in the world. That would've been much more enjoyable for me, right?

But despite thinking that, I'm constantly looking, and trying new things, no matter how it ends. Just what am I looking for, anyway? It's not like I want to be some bigshot member in this predatory social hierarchy or anything. I just want to live my life to the fullest. I just want to feel what it's like to not be put down for being less than everyone else, or pursue things as motivated as everyone else. But after a while, I knew I was astray.

To be left with that sudden epiphany halfway on the road, must’ve sucked, yeah?

I wasn’t enjoying life the way I wanted. By focusing so much on myself, I only end up exhausted. When I’ve the time to spend, I barely have anyone to talk to. And when I just wondered if I could mend my relationships back, it was already a tad bit too late.

I was so down in the dumps about who I want to be, and what the future might entail, I’ve long forgotten what I wanted for myself. It’s not an oversight, I know I did the right thing. I did what’s best for me…

So why does it hurt so much?

It can’t be helped.

That’s true.

There’s nothing you could’ve done.

I know.

Did you regret it…?

It was all an excuse. I was too weak-willed to admit it. And so, I began crying. I was scared, and scarred. I could’ve juggled personal life and relationships, and albeit it might be hard, it would be ideal — but I didn’t consider much of the feelings of people around me. I rejected any and every offer to bond with them, and it was all on me. When you’ve improved yourself so much, it’s only worth it to you. But will you be fine alone?

This whole time. I've been living in a shell. A desolate place, locked away in my own echo chamber. I've been so lost… so, so lost. The sorrow of my life, the dreams I've chased; was it all for naught? I’m not sure. I’m not even sure if I lived my life right. But I want to make amends. It's now or never.

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to tell her, hey, do you think that we can, I don’t know, hang out…? After school, maybe?

I wanted to see her more. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to feel for her, to get to know her better. Weird feeling, is it not?

It was all an excuse, wasn’t it? It was all an excuse to not talk to her. I’m such a jerk. I thought that, maybe, since she was also busy; I’d be bothering her. I don’t want that. I don’t want to annoy her. Not now, not ever. Just because of school, just because there were so many things I had to do at the time… it cost us our relationship. I could've done something about it, and I’m sure I could've, but alas, I did not.

So now-now, the question that boggles me at this moment: what is really meant by a miracle? Do they happen on a whim? Can they happen in real life? To think that my life had gone this route without me realizing, it really pains me; I can't even begin on where and when I did it all wrong. If second chances do exist; if miracles do exist, then God, please, help me figure this one out.

Maybe I should just suck up to it. Maybe, I should just give in and give them free rein over my life. It’s easier that way, is it not? To not need to think about what’s best for you, to be given the freedom to not make any more choices. Maybe, that isn’t such a dystopia.

Even so!

I don’t want to live the rest of my life regretting what I haven’t done.

That’s what instantly clicked with me in that one moment.

I reminisced of one moment I spent with her. It was during lunchtime and we hung out at the same-old, same-old: the clichéd school rooftop. It’s actually a good place to dine in. The breeze amidst the summit is addicting and riveting. Perhaps it was because of the geographical nature of where and how the school is constructed, but you can basically look down on the town from here and see everything.

As she was chewing her homemade lunch, she asked me, “say, Natsuyuki-kun… have you thought more about who you wanted to be?” Her eyes were set ablaze. She’s seriously curious, and I wasn’t dumb enough to give her a bad answer.

Yet, I gave her a straight one. “I don’t know. Whatever my grades lead me, I guess.” I continued to chew on my bento as I looked at her, “anything is fine, as long as it doesn’t easily wear me out long term.”

Her eyebrows furrowed, “that’s no good!” She exclaimed. I wonder why she begs to differ? “If you keep on doing that, you’ll only lose out on the enjoyment of life. Just letting stuff dictate you around. That much isn’t ideal, yeah?”

I, for one, wasn’t exactly in the same line of thinking. Of course, I was too shortsighted to see, “this so-called enjoyment is what led many to be lost and live without work after graduation. Unemployment is a real issue, y’know,” I bit off the last of my food and chewed before gazing up into the blue sky. “I don’t want to risk losing my life over measly things.”

“While it’s true that you may destroy your life if you went overboard,” she grinned. It still itches me to this day as to why she’d do such a thing in what seems to be a serious topic. “If you disregard what you want in life, you’ll only end up as an empty husk.”

“What do you mean by that?”

She raised her index finger up and put it on her lips. “The fun in life is trying your best to balance your needs and wants, is it not?”

I thought she was crazy to propose that idea. I thought I had my whole life figured out, and that I would achieve happiness if I keep treading this path. And as we go back to the present, I knew what she had really meant back then.

I instantly wiped my tears, and as the morning dew came, and dawned upon me, I was already running. There’s not much time. I got to make the most out of it.

Sprinting past the streetlights, the lamp posts, and as the mesmerizing sun embezzled me, I knew what I’ve got to do. Right before the next train, I needed to be at the station. Traversing and turning, I quickly scrambled with my current navigation of how the town’s layout would be.

Shortly after arriving at the station, I stopped to catch my breath; panting and gasping for air. I went to town with that homerun, surely. I was exhausted, but mentally, I’m only getting started.

Subsequently, I looked around. My eyes searched vigorously. That’s weird.

She wasn’t there. No, in fact, she hasn’t been here for a while. I remembered that she used to take the ride to school at the station but—no. I’m so dumb for thinking she’d stay the same. I’ve changed, surely she has too. She might’ve taken a different route.

Feeling like it was all a waste, I went outside the station. And as-if the metaphorical miracle I wished for had suddenly materialized — there she was. She was on her way, walking to school, strolling a bike. This is my chance. I've got to act right now.

All I have to do is walk up to her—

No. Why am I shaking…?

Stop, please.

I have to talk to her.

That’s what I told myself before, I’m not backing down.

And so, I approached her, “h—“ I paused, stammering as I usually do. My voice was desperate, and the words were hard to come out. “Hey,” I croaked out. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t catch me. I felt like giving up. My heart was beating so loudly. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I should follow my heart. But how am I supposed to do that? How can I escape from this feeling?

Please, move. No further hesitation, I’ll just say what comes to mind. Because if I didn’t, I’m afraid nothing will ever change. I’m afraid my life will never be fulfilled. I don’t want to be left like this. I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone or with this feeling. I want to be with her again, and I don’t care what happens to me.

“Chinatsu-senpai!” I called out to her, my voice cracking, and shaking profusely.

She turned around. She actually turned around. The shock made my anxiety arise from its deepest roots.

She was the one who spent so much time with me back then, she offered me new experiences. It's not the sublime happiness I thought it would be to talk to her like this. It doesn't feel super enjoyable as I thought it would. It might not be what I’ve expected, but that's fine. The stars shine bright, and the ones that burn the brightest last the shortest… but I’ll always stamp them into memory. That’s what this is. One of the most memorable moments in my life.

No matter how ephemeral, no matter how small, cherish these moments. Life can have its prologue and epilogue, but how I choose to fill in the blanks is what gives them meaning.

With nothing left to lose, I shouted, “It’s–” No. Keep going. Say it. “Nice weather today, isn’t it?”

I only got one shot at life. And despite so many things to do, and so many responsibilities to juggle, there’s barely any direction you can take without feeling like you’ll lose something in return; like you’ll wound up eventually regretting a big thing in your life. However, she made me realize that it's okay; that's just life.

The summer wind blew, the riveting air, and the smell of flowers — I remembered the whole scene so perfectly. Down to the absolute T. How could I not?

Never to leave your side ever again, never to outlive this reminiscent summer. All resemblance of doubt about the future, about the past — it all matters not. I've extirpated them, cut them asunder. Right now, right at this moment, I’m going to do what I want to do. No matter what happens. Don’t regret it, okay?

She smiled, and as the sun basked us in its ever-blinding light, she shouted back, “yeah… it sure is, Natsuyuki-kun.”

Even if I destroy my life in the process, and I lose everything I’ve built up in life. I’m not going to leave these feelings unconveyed, nor do I want to keep my personal wants imprisoned.

She lit up, and with the brightest smile on her beautiful face, she said to me, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

I'm finally home.

This is the start of you, and me.