I completely forgot!

Is what I told myself as I’m practically panting, puffing as sweat drenches me. My clothes reek of it, and the sweltering summer heat only adds on more to the frustration. My body wasn’t taking it lightly, as I am not much of an active person. I’m no athlete but I really need to get myself in good shape soon; studying too much isn’t good for your health!

“Gah!” I was jumpscared. Startled and terrified, I slowly turned around. The looming presence, I can just feel it. “Y—” she’s right behind me, isn’t she? “Yes, ma’am…?”

And there she was. My homeroom teacher, Mrs. Erina. I’m about to get an earful from her for being late. I have my reasons, but they’re nowhere near reasonable enough.

“Well hello there.” She responded. Straight face, straight posture, straight-up terrific. Straight everything. Oh, except her sexuality. Kidding!

Should I lie my way out of this? No, no. She’s already fed up with my excuses, even if they weren’t so bad. I mean, I stayed up for late-night shifts, and they expect me to wake up early for school? Nuh-uh, I beg to differ!

“What’s your reason this time?” She groaned. Hands crossed, and ready to kick my ass out of school depending on my response and the severity of my reason. Spoilers: I’m dead either way. Yeah, go figure.

“Ahaha…” I’m so dead. I don’t know what to say or do, and with sweat dripping down my cheek, I cheekily responded, “I helped an old lady cross the traffic light.” with a despondent voice. My face quickly became pale, knowing of the fate that awaits.

Pleasedon’tsendmetotheprincipal, pleasedon’tsendmetotheprincipal—

She did, in fact, send me to the principal.

After a whole lecture, I was dismissed. By the time I got back to class, it was already recess. That sure took a while, did it not? I didn’t expect a single lecture on being late and whatever to chip away a lot, but then again, we both were pretty late. He also gave me an earful about the future and all that crap, but I simply dozed off because it was way too long. A mind-boggling question then arose at the back of my mind:

Wait, do I even know what kind of part-time work she does?

And following that, my mind wandered, going back to the short exchange we had early in the morning. Something’s not right here. I ran to school as fast as I could, but even then, we were already pretty late. She arrived first, sure, WITH a goddarn bike! How am I supposed to keep up with that? I get that this is probably her first time late, so she’s probably only got a small warning by her homeroom teacher. But how come I haven’t seen her?

We weren’t far off. She preceded me, but only barely. Did she just speed through the parking lot and ran up the stairs? That fast, and with that sort of physique, no less? I’ve got to hand it to her, that’s impressive. I always admired how well she articulated herself and her love for her passions. She’d read books in a variety of genres and topics. One time, she’d be reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. And then the other, she’d be reading a book on how to cook a potato in 52 different ways.

I guess it’s okay to be childish. But that’s what I found cute about her.

Wait a second.

Cute?

What am I saying? Chinatsu-senpai? Cute? Am I thinking that she’s actually adorable? No way. Someone who’s such a dork isn’t going to be seen as enchanting. Not only that, she’s a nerd — an absolute nerd. A crazy one, too. You can’t make sense of what she’s saying at times, and it always feels like she’s one step ahead of me in everything!

No. Stop blushing. People will give me weird looks.

People in class looked at me worriedly. They’re probably thinking that I caught a cold or something. They look at me funnily, too. Something amusing caught your eye? Because I’m sure as hell NOT amused! Matter of fact, I’m embarrassed now!

Yup. People are going to think I’m weird.

I felt someone tapping me on my shoulder from the back. I turned around slowly, looking back towards the figure that took up the majority of my vision. “Ah, it’s you.”

Damn is this guy way too close.

“Personal space.” I quietly spoke with a somewhat exasperated expression. My eyes weren’t even looking in his direction, and I’m not going to waste my time hearing him blab again about how his favorite virtual YouTuber or whatever they’re called ‘graduating’ again.

“Dude,” he was quick to put his hand on my forehead. “Yowch! That’s hot!” He immediately pulled his hand back, acting as-if I got a whole darn volcano on my forehead. Is this some kind of joke? I swear not even a monkey would go oonga-boonga over this.

“Yeah, Natsuyuki you should—”

“I am NOT going to go to the infirmary,” I think I made my point clear. “Besides, I don’t have a cold.” I slouched on my seat, and slumped myself onto the school desk. I feel like falling asleep. A quick nap during recess is fine, right? Let’s hope no dumbass pulls a prank on me. Because if they do..

“Hey now! Don’t go to sleep just yet!” He shook my body vigorously. All I could tell myself was:

I swear to god.

I could only provide so much leniency to someone until they exceed several orders of magnitude in pissing me off. This isn’t being edgy. I just want to go to sleep, man. These types of people further reinforce why I’m so reserved and reclusive in class. To give the benefit of the doubt, that doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t want to talk to them; but they either have small talk, gossip, or girl talk. No, for the millionth time, I do not want to know your ideal type of woman. For crying out loud.

He exclaimed, “Weren’t you close to Chinatsu-senpai?” His eyes sparkly and full with excitement.

I never got up so fast in my life. Not even the Flash can compete with me with this one. The expanse of my thirst for books is just as vast as wanting to know more about her, even if I have to shoot myself in the head to lay awake. Metaphorically speaking, of course. This includes but is not limited to light novels and mangas; reading too much intellectual stuff can be a bore.

“You have my undivided attention, Rindo.” I spoke calmly. My heart, however, is perhaps woven by strings. Because just a simple string of words and pulling on them can tuck my heart away. God, I need to exercise self-restraint.

“So, well,” his smile became crooked. And his hands became increasingly fidgety as the embarrassment slowly creeped from behind.

Oh no. This is not happening. Now, such disappointment clawed into my heart to the point that I lifted my hands up slowly as it trembled slightly. I grabbed a hold of him, on both shoulders. “Ain’t no way, bro.”

“You did not just call me bro like that, bro.”

Great. Not only is he nitpicking, but he’s also changing the topic.

Let this not be a real thing, please?

“Don’t you think she’s kinda hot thou—”

I beat him up. Not excessively, of course, that would be bullying. I sorta just punched him on the crotch. Ouch.

Let this not be a real thing anymore. I ended up losing my well-needed time to nap during recess. Thank you oh great Rindo! I lost my precious nap time, but let’s not care about that, let’s talk about how much you want to ask out my crush on a date!

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Wait, pause. Wait a moment.

My crush?

Not again. I really don’t wanna feel this way.

Thinking back, didn’t I used to have feelings for her? Before we drifted apart, didn’t I somewhat tell her my feelings? That’s got to be embarrassing now that I think about it. It’s weird how all this time, I’ve been doing so much just for her, but the epiphany of liking her only just hit. The embarrassment felt like a delayed train one station behind my constantly moving train of thought.

So I do like her in that way. That’s somewhat crazy to think about. No matter the cause, I’ve got to get it out of my system before it clouds my mind further—

The school bell rang. And recess is already over. Did I even have time to eat?

No, the more important question is:

Did I even do anything to find out what she works part-time as?

I almost went to sleep forgetting this crucial plot hole. I need to resolve it immediately. Unfortunate circumstances — I have to wait until after school. Nothing can be done now. I’ll just have to deal with it. Sucks to be me, I guess.

Classes flew by, like a bird soaring high into the skylines. Catch it once, it's all over your head. Catch it twice, it's already gone the next second. Some classes linger long, and it feels like an hour has passed — oops, nope! Only 15 minutes. Weird psychological stuff our minds tricking us to, it seems.

In any case, I went home. The only thing rummaging my mind was still the interaction I had with her this morning. As I was on my way, walking back, I felt a tinge of sourness welling up from the innermost of my heart. To me, it feels weird. Like, didn't I stop to think about if she had even moved on? This question begs more questions. It keeps on coming.

No reason to overthink this now. The only way to exonerate myself from this conflict is to get it from the source. I still have her contact info from years prior, so I think I'm golden for now. For now, at least. I just hope she still uses the same number for LINE.

I scrolled through her contact info, and checked our previous messages. Our dm was, well, in a way increasingly dry. I guess we got so busy we didn't really have time to think twice about the messages we've sent.

No. Actually, scratch that. Girls can be very complex. And she's one complex fellow. As something that's to my benefit, I'm glad she kept our conversations short, brief and concise. If she gets all worked up, I'd be scared to know the implications behind the messages.

In no time, I quickly found a link redirecting me to her social media account. Does this count as stalking? I mean, it's a public account. I realize the severity of my actions, and doing so, will result in me possibly being persecuted by her. Can it, or can it not?

Even so! I want to know what's going on in her life—

That was just a reason to look at cute photos she posted on social media.

Some good info, however. I found out she's working at a local bakery, and that her family is still strict with her as usual — the same as back then. I wonder how she's doing. Is she masking it?

Do I even know the real you?

And there I see it. Again. She was right in front of my eyes.

In the eyes of the beholder, which is mine, I just can't help but lock it in. Every time her delicate figure graces me, I'm seemingly hypnotized. You know those lock-on features in certain JRPGs? Something like that. I'm not good with analogies, sorry.

She was walking home, strolling her bike. On her left was a guy, however. Is he a classmate of hers? What are they doing? What are they talking about?

I can't make out what they're saying. This might be rude, and I know I'd just be an eavesdropping brat, but a little won't hurt, right? I need to make sure she's alright. At least. No time to have a midlife crisis right now, I'll just inch closer, and if it's nothing major, I'll leave. Simple as that.

“Is it true that you work at the bakery, Chinatsu-chan?” He beamed up. This guy is the same age as her, based on the honorifics used.

“Yeah,” she grinned uncomfortably. He was way too close. I can see that, even from afar. “I do.” She tried to maintain eye contact despite her reluctance.

“So,” he got closer. He got up to her face and told her, “I heard you're not seeing anyone?”

This is getting out of hand. I've got to do something about this. I've got to distract him—

“I have a crush already,” she replied. “Please stop.”

Ahaha… that's funny.

My heart aches.

I think she's fine now. I mean, why am I going out of my way just to do all this? Sure there might be a chance that her supposed crush is me, but what if it's not? I'm just stepping way too much into her boundaries. I should know my place.

This brings back memories.

I used to dream. If I just had one more chance — I could get back to the old days. Do things right. But, it's too late now.

You know, people don't bounce back that easily, no matter how many chances they get to do it. See, it's easier to fall into a hole than it is to climb out of one. I was surrounded by people who loved me, who reached out to me.

But I rejected them.

I was trapped by my own paranoia, convinced that regardless of what they told me — they were all laughing behind my back. This applies to Rindo and to everyone in my class. I was just doing everything in my life alone and distressed. I still talk to them, and I still want to hang out with them, but I think I gave such a bad impression to the point I’m sure they think I’m a pushover. It hurts to see and realize this. Every time they asked to hang out, I always gave no as an answer.

They used to correct me too, all the time, years ago. Back then, life was easier. Playing around and laughing shit off was the joy of life. I placed my burden and trust unto them; they were like codependence — I simply cannot stand ground without them.

So whenever they asked me out and I said no, I thought it was for the best. No hard feelings, I thought.

It hurts to be the one on the receiving end though. Right now, I feel like something’s running amok inside me. I don’t know what. And I can’t describe the feeling. Is it jealousy? Is it acceptance? Or is it sadness? Shallow and hollow as I am, I continued to indulge in my fantasies — hyperbolical and whimsical fleets.

I dedicated myself to my studies. At the time it felt worth it, but working myself to the bone isn’t something to be proud of if I can’t show it to anyone.

I thought that I could do anything. I was welled up in my own ego and thickheaded brain.

Was it my fault, really? I didn't even consider a moment to think of that fallacy.

No, no. It's my fault. I'm a coward. Through and through.

Even now, I'm running away. Scared to confront my problems, I ran away.

I won't actually change, now that I think about it. It’s too late for that.

And no one would notice even if I tried…

So might as well keep dreaming, right?

—I told myself that as I looked the other way, and walked in that direction. She was fine without me all these years, so I’m sure she’ll be fine now. Even if I am that crush of hers, she’ll just move on soon. Give it time. And I don’t think I’m good enough, either way.

“He’s someone who never backs down when problems are in his wake.” She exclaimed. “He’s way too hard on himself and he tries so hard to make himself known.”

She continues, “he’s hard-headed! It’s hard to grasp a hold of whatever he’s thinking about usually. Whenever he’s with me, he’s constantly gazing at me. It’s embarrassing how much he focuses on me.” She caught her breath, and proudly stood her ground. “He also tries too hard to impress me. He reads books for me. He does so much for me.” She puts her hand on her chest. “He thinks that I won’t know every single effort he puts into trying to get closer to me, and that I don’t appreciate it.” She smiles softly. “I do. I appreciate him a lot.”

“What are you talking about?” He grabs her hand, pulling her forcefully.

“H—” she stops. “What are you doing?!”

That’s it.

In that one moment, my body acted on its own.

I wet my cheeks, wailing internally. I was so happy to hear all of that. Every single doubt, every single problem, and every matter that was wandering in my mind poofed from existence. It was just like the very moment I met her again: my mind was clear and set. With doubts extirpated, and clouds blocking my vision now cut asunder — I’ve overcome this hurdle.

Right now, it doesn't matter if she likes me or not anymore. Just feeling appreciated for the effort I put in was enough. It feels so great to be alive now. To be breathing and to be able to see her.

And so, to distract the guy who’s going overboard, I screamed, “my favorite anime just ended!”

She saw me. She saw me, crying and sobbing — I was practically bawling. I continued, “I can’t live without this anymore!” with my eyes watering and my cheeks burning red. Hot crimson layers up my cheeks as they puffed up.

After a moment of shock, she smiled at me. Her gracious grin like a Cheshire cat dawned on me. She was way too beautiful in my eyes, and the tears just won’t stop coming. The sunlight meandered on my wet cheeks, and as lights reflected and dazzled from it, I didn’t stop crying. I was happy beyond anything that could occur to me.

To feel truly appreciated for your work.

It’s so simple, yet so effective. The only thing I can make out of my mind was:

Thank you, Chinatsu-senpai.

I’ll remember this for the rest of my life.