Chapter 2 -Yang Tang Chang Fang Ning Lee Liu Zhao Fan Che
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Wong Batul opened his eyes. He was back in bed, looking at his dull dorm room ceiling.
His first thought was relief - so he wasn’t dead. He had had the strangest dream - he had been walking back from taking a shit in the admissions building when he had slipped on a water bottle and died. He was grateful it wasn’t real. He could think of nothing more embarrassing than death by slipping on a water bottle.
He turned his sheets over and got out of bed - and then froze. This wasn’t his room. In fact, he was sure that this wasn’t his dorm either.
The room was smaller than his actual dorm room, and outside the window, he could kind of see a morning landscape that was of rolling hills, completely different from his city campus. All over the walls were posters of water bottles, colorful illustrations of water bottles as illusory mirages - Deer Park. Dasani. Poland Spring. What the hell, had he awakened in some water bottle purgatory? Had he actually died, and this was just where people who died from water-bottle related incidents went?
He looked past the posters at the bedside table, and involuntarily gulped. There was a knife… and blood! It was a short little blade, dunked in blood that trailed from the table to the bed. Wong followed the trace of blood from the bed… and then to his wrist. His eyes widened. There were several large clotted-over slits on his wrist! Since he had just awoken, he had not noticed before, but the truth was in front of his eyes now!
“Slits… my god.” Wong paled. “Did I… did I commit suicide?”
Instantly, Wong put two and two together. He had read many xianxia novels online, and knew all the tropes. Someone from earth would pass away, and instead of dying, pass over to a xianxia cultivation world, into the body of someone who had just died. Clearly, this body he now possessed had belonged to someone who had just ended their own life.
“May you be in peace,” Wong closed his eyes and did a little prayer. He had a slightly slightly terrified curiosity. What had caused him so much anguish that he had wanted to kill himself?
Wong himself couldn’t imagine a situation in his life where he would be driven to kill himself. Although he had been bullied before, it hadn’t been so bad that he was afraid to come to school. He had never been too depressed - whenever he was down, a good reread of Douluo Dalu would always cheer him up. All in all, he felt his life had been satisfactory - maybe it would be lacking, to some people, but to him, it was just fine.
At that moment, there was a knock on the door. “Hehe, Wong, you useless water bottle-less vermin, did you kill yourself after all? Come out! It’s already morning, you can’t hide from us forever!”
Wong glanced toward the door and raised his eyebrows. Some one-dimensional bullies had come. So this guy was getting bullied. Was this why he killed himself? What a classic xianxia trope.
And his name was Wong, too? Wong recalled that in many xianxia stories, people would take over the bodies of people who shared the same name.
And what was that about… water bottle? Was he hearing this correctly? He was getting bullied for not having a water bottle?
The knocks grew louder. “Come out, come out! We know you’re in there! You can cry all you want about not having a water bottle spirit, but you can’t escape us!”
Wong instantly froze. Wait. Water bottle… water bottle spirit?! What the hell was he hearing?
Oh no. Wong’s heart sank. No way… no way… no way… he shook his head in denial. But the truth was right in front of him. In truth, he had realized it right away, when he had seen the posters on the wall.
Somehow… he must have been transported to a water bottle world. He had seen a similar concept in many other stories, where in the mystical world, each person would have a spirit familiar that they could summon. In this world, apparently, it was water bottles. And the only reason why he could possibly be reincarnated in this world, Wong immediately realized, was if he had come across some spirit bottle artifact in his previous life. When he had died, he had tripped on a water bottle…
Wong held out his palm and copied a move people would often do in xianxia stories, willing his spirit familiar to appear. A moment later, an illusory, flowing spirit water bottle actually appeared above his hand, floating. It was Evian brand. This was probably the water bottle he had tripped on, ending his life. So in actuality, he had tripped on some mystical water bottle spirit artifact, reincarnating him with the water bottle as his spirit.
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Oh fuck me… Wong dismissed the spirit water bottle and placed his head into his heads. What a shitty heaven! In truth, he had fantasized about reincarnating into a fantasy world before. But in those fantasies, he had dreamed about wielding swords, or channeling fire, or something cool like that - maybe something I Eat Tomatoes would write up. But it looked like destiny had other plans for him - he had been kicked to the bottom of the ladder of spirit worlds. Of all worlds, he had been reincarnated into this shitty, third rate water bottle spirit world - with a water bottle as his spirit! If he had literally any other spirit familiar, he would have been ecstatic. But a water bottle? He had a damned water bottle spirit?!
What the hell - Wong could only curse, shaking his head. Water bottle world?! What a… what a stupid concept - who even came up with that? It sounded like something only a third rate author would dream up, and only after completely running out of ideas.
That damned second burrito… before he knew it, tears were gathering in his eyes… If he had known something like this would happen, then he would have at least chowed down on the General Tso’s chicken he had left in the fridge. He had been saving that.
“Fine.. if you’re not coming out, then we’ll have to barge in!”
BOOM!
The door was torn off its hinges. Following it, a giant illusory water bottle barged into the room. It was Poland Spring brand.
Wong merely stared at this giant illusory water bottle that had crashed in, completely deadpan. Are you kidding me… this is what they use as weapons… He suddenly felt like he might have a stroke.
Following the large Poland Spring water bottle, three stereotypical looking bullies stepped into the room, smiling devilishly. The leader of the bullies, a tall blue-haired boy with expensive clothes and delicate features - arrogant young master type, Wong instantly thought - sneered at Wong.
“Kekeke… Yes, it is I again, Yang Tang Chang Fang Ning Lee Liu Zhao Fan Che! (Yang Tang for short)” the blue-haired arrogant young master declared. “I hate you because I am a one-dimensional character! Prepare to get beaten up once again, you talentless good-for-nothing!”
He lifted his hand up, causing the big illusory Poland Spring water bottle to rise up in air and hover threateningly over Wong.
“Wait, wait!” Wong immediately lifted his hands up in surrender. “Wait… wait… Yang… Yang Tang Chang… was it? What’s the big deal? Can’t you at least give me some exposition here?”
Wong knew that usually, authors of xianxia’s were impatient, and would lazily give all the exposition of the world all at once through one person’s dialogue. He hoped that Yang Tang would be that character, sparing himself of getting beating up (hopefully).
Sure enough, Yang Tang fell for it.
“Some exposition? You mean, what’s this world all about?” Yang Tang frowned. After glancing toward his two nameless side bullies for a moment, he suddenly glanced back toward Wong and sneered. “Well, funny you should ask! Let me tell you all about it, before I beat you up!”
He launched into a monologue.
“We are currently in the Deer Park Kingdom. My name is Yang Tang Chang Fang Ning Lee Liu Zhao Fan Che (Yang Tang). Your name is Wong Batul, a play on ‘wrong bottle’ because the author was trying to be funny. We are both 13 years old. Your looks are average and you look un-notable, to make it an underdog story. However, later on, you will inexplicably become super handsome. We are all currently at Generic Fighting Academy, where everyone trains their water bottle spirit, and you’re a good-for-nothing who I think isn’t qualified to be here (I’m probably going to be proven wrong pretty soon). By the way, there’s a super important kingdom-wide tournament three months for now, for when this story inevitably enters its tournament arc. Anyway, there are five big stages in water bottle cultivation. The first stage is ‘condensing plastic,’ when your spirit water bottle first forms and is the starter level of cultivation. I am at this level right now, and you are too, although I don’t know that because I still think you’re a good-for-nothing who doesn’t have a spirit. The second stage is ‘stretched plastic,’ for when the water bottle expands and becomes more versatile. Many of our upperclassmen are at this stage. The third stage is ‘hardened plastic,’ for when the core of the water bottle takes form and a physical water bottle can be manifested! When one reaches this stage, they are considered an expert. The fourth stage is ‘filling water,’ for when the water bottle is filled with water. When this stage is reached, one is considered to be truly a master, and can traverse the nine bottles without trouble. Finally, the fifth stage, which only exists in myth (but you’ll probably achieve it later on, at like ch. 300 or something) is ‘become the bottle,’ for when you the bottle itself! The author just made up these stages on the spot, so forgive him if they’re really fucking stupid.”
Wong stared with wide eyes. Oh my god! What a huge block of continuous text - at least split it up a bit! The poor readers!
(author: please do read that big block of text though, that’s literally where all the exposition is. I’m sorry but it was worth it for the joke)
Wong nodded dizzily. What a lot of exposition to throw at him at once! He actually really appreciated it though. Now, he knew what this story was all about. It seemed to be your typical “trash” proves everyone wrong type of thing.
Finished monologuing, Yang Tang snarled. “Now where was I… right! Time to beat your good-for-nothing ass up!”
He raised his hand again, sending the illusory water bottle toward Wong!
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