“Hey, do you think there are any good guys in this world?” I asked Kartik.

“Don’t I consider as one?”

I snorted involuntarily. “Oh, that’s funny.”

He gave me a Stone Cold Steve Austin type of glare. “I was being serious,” He said. If only he had his beer with him. We could have enjoyed his victory celebration performance.

“Do you think Kusum would say you are a good guy?” I said instead.

“I don’t know about me, but she’s definitely not a good guy or gal.”

“Are you both talking about me?” Suddenly we heard, looked, and saw both Sonam and Kusum proudly looking in our direction. The former was only curious, the latter seemed agitated, vicious, and angry for some reason. Like an overinflated balloon.

“Thanks,” Sonam said returning the calculator.

“Sure,”

“What were you guys talking about,” Sonam asked. Her question wasn’t the problem. Her asking surprised me. Asking something meant interest, interest was a precursor to--

“He was asking me if there are any good guys in this world.”

‘KARTIK!’ I screamed in my head. Outwardly, I smiled.

“Oh,” Sonam tilted some toward us, a sign of genuine curiosity. “What are the qualifications of this so-called good guy?”

“I don’t know if there are any in the world, but it’s definitely not you guy.” Kusum snorted out from behind her. She wrapped her arms around her chest and looked away as if not interested in our conversation. Her twitching ears ratted her out, however.

“He,” I started,

“Or she,” Sonam added,

“Have you met any good girls?” Kartik added on the top, making her frown. I elbowed him and told her not to worry about him. “He’s an idiot.”

“At least, I got a girl's number,” Kartik mumbled and I had to elbow him again in panic.

“He or she,” I paused to receive Sonam’s agreement. Sonam nodded and I continued, “Should be kind,”

“And help others in need,”

“They can’t be selfish,” Kusum added stressing the pronoun as if figuring that out made her better than us.

“And they,” Kartik squeezed out. “Need to be poor, and ready to help others regardless of their own needs.”

“Why does a good guy have to do with being poor?” Sonam asked.

“Just to put him in contrast with others,” Kartik indulged her.

“So according to you all, a good guy is a kind person who’d admit their mistake upon being slapped. Who’d smile and laugh when someone steals from them and gives away his money to others even if he’s barely making do himself?” Kusum sneered. “That’s not a good guy; that’s a punching bag.”

“They, not he.” Kartik said with a sneer. He hadn’t forgotten her insult and this was his revenge.

“What?”

“Don’t act stupid. You know exactly what I mean.” Kartik answered with a frown.

“I really don’t understand what you mean,” Kusum said grinning deviously.

Kartik glared at her for a short while before deciding to admit defeat after some cajoling.

Sonam shook her head. “I guess these are no good guys in this world then.”

Kusum said, “Doesn’t donating money to the poor make you a good person?”

“If you are talking about the capitalists, they only do it for tax reasons.” Kartik brushed her off. “Besides, they only donate to their private funds and that’s like changing money from one hand to another.”

“What about when you donate money to the homeless or the beggars,” Kusum asked again.

“That’s what you do to make yourself feel better.” Kartik poked.

I asked Sonam to control her friend. She shook her head and told me to control Kartik. I replied with a shake of my head too. So we let them compete.

“Don’t everyone do good things to make themselves feel better?” Kusum said through gritted teeth.

Kartik chuckled twice. “A good person shouldn’t do good deeds for anything in return.”

“According to you, a good person is an altruist who sees good in everything. Who forgives a murderer for apologizing and a thief for returning the money.” Kusum looked agitated like she’d rather die than lose to Kartik.

I whispered to Kartik and told him to give up, and he listened.

“The good guy has it tough,” Kartik said solemnly. Taking a step back.

“I--” Kusum’s eyes opened wide in realization then a genuine victorious smile replaced the grimace on her face. “I never thought it was so hard to be a good guy.” She conceded. “Makes you appreciate it more when someone helps you without anything in return,” Kusum said which made Sonam’s cheeks burn red.

Kartik poked me on the back and I kicked him under the table.

The conversation broke there and soon it was recess. I finished my lunch with Kartik, who grabbed one of my chapattis and ran away before I could stop him. I didn’t go to see Anjali. Anyway, I wanted to, but no means no, right? I had to respect her decision. However, my feelings, broken and rotting, were a weight on my chest and I needed to be rid of it before anything else.

I was going to the canteen when I saw Anjali coming toward me. She was with one of her new friends. Someone who didn’t look like the gossip type. Someone I didn’t know either.

“She has made her decision. You should make your decision too.” The words turned around in my head, and I knew what I needed. I needed closure. At least I had to know that my thoughts were true and not some presumptions that I believed in because of my low self-esteem.

“Hey, do you have a minute?” I called Anjali. I could always call her for some reason. I never had a problem talking to her even though I always made a mistake and made a fool of myself. I almost thought she would ignore me, instead, she stopped.

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“What?” She said with a smile, acting as if she hadn’t been deliberately ignoring me for the past couple of months.

I looked at her friend who was in turn looking at me, like watching a matinee show in which we were the actors. Thankfully, there were no cameras around.

“Alone… if you don’t mind,” I said with some hesitation.

She must have understood what I wanted to talk about because her smile faded, replaced by worry.

“Please, for old time’s sake,” I couldn’t say if it was my words or my demeanor but she glanced lightly at her friend before nodding slightly. It scared the shit out of me. We walked together into a deserted classroom. She kept her head lowered and eyes on the ground all the way.

She stood by the door, ready to flee if I dared act presumptuous. It hurt me some to know that she didn’t trust me enough. I didn’t call her inside but stood beside her, leaning on the wall.

My heart bounced around in my chest in trepidation. I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t prepared anything. I didn’t know what to do-- whether to confess or propose, knowing she had a boyfriend. There was not a piece of me that felt I was good enough for her. I thought it would be her bad luck if she agreed. I was so scared of her, afraid of her yes.

But that was the old me, the one before the system. The one who couldn’t disguise himself as literally anyone. The one who didn’t have the potential to… be a god. That me in the past was a sub-par guy, not good at anything. Who had no answers, no jokes, and almost no future? The kind of guy anyone could, and many did, roll over like a piece of dirt.

I was a good guy.

“I’m scared,” I said putting my back on the wall. I couldn’t look at her. I was afraid to see her thoughts because her face was too transparent, her expressions too loud.

“I’m Scared of you. I’ve been for some time now,” She listened quietly.

The classroom was so quiet I could hear both of our heartbeats. They were so in tune with each other. So in synch. It made me choke. Took me a while to get over it before I said,

“I am scared that I would say something foolish again and you would pull back further. I have never meant to hurt you really. And I know that I have. I have said some things and done some things that I shouldn’t have, but they came out of me because I was hurting. I was hurting that you were gonna leave me. Therefore, I pushed you back. Thought if I didn’t talk to you, you wouldn’t have any reason to hate me more. I don’t want to be the reason behind your sadness. I only wanted to make you smile. The words came pouring out. A deluge of feelings buried deep inside. Once the dam broke, there was no holding them back.

I turned to her, I couldn’t see her. My sight was blurry. “For you, we only started talking after we sat next to each other after the new sitting arrangement, but I’ve always had a crush on you. I was looking for a friend on my first day. I looked around the class and saw that everyone already had someone. And they were all so happy. I didn’t feel like anyone needed me or would care about me. Then I saw you. You looked like you needed someone too. Like you’d care. You looked so alone and hurt. You had a smile on your face, but it felt like a disguise you’d put on your face to deceive others.”

I had to pause because my voice was cracking.

My heart beat in my ears. I was breathing laboriously. Who knew breathing could be such a tough job? It was harder to start again, but I gathered courage from the depths of my soul and started again.

“You kept your head down even when you talked to others. The more I saw you the more I wanted to help you, to make you smile. And I have tried. Although not successful, I tried. Unfortunately, it was not enough. Now I see you with your new friends, laughing and talking so happily and it hurts me. It hurts me to know that you don’t need me anymore. And there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t change who I am.”

“I am in love with you, but I don’t think I’m good enough to be your boyfriend. That’s, what I wanted to say.”

“I— know,” She whispered. The words came out barely audible, but they were louder than any thunder crackling in the sky on a cloudy day. I felt something breaking in my mind. It was hope. Now it was ash.

“I’m sorry,” She threw out into the fire before running out of the classroom, leaving me with myself alone in the empty room.

“Yeah,” I muttered when the system notified me of task completion. Now I could store the light energy so it would not heat up my body. But what was the point? At least for that moment, the world could have crumbled and burned and I wouldn’t have cared less about it.

“Where were you?” Kartik asked when I returned back to the class. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him. I took seat and slammed my forehead on the table, then wrapped my arms around my head and closed my eyes.

“I know,” The words echoed in my head like a pendulum. Rocking back and forth, tempting me to do something horrifying.

What if I changed her mind about me? What if I made her forget that she had a boyfriend? What if I—

I shook my head, rubbing my face against the table hard enough to make my skin burn. “Shut up,” I told myself. “Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!”

“Hey, Sahil,”

“WHAT!” The anger exploded on Kartik. He backed off onto the wall to get away from me. I must have looked horrifying because he stared at me with wide-open eyes. His fear made me remember that I was in class. I looked around and found that the teacher was in the class too and everyone was looking at me.

Sonam looked concerned. I couldn’t look at her. I felt ashamed as if I was cheating on her. Did it count as cheating? I didn’t want to know.

“Is everything all right?” The teacher asked.

I sealed my lips tight and nodded somehow. Then I closed my eyes and dropped my head to stop paying attention to everything and everyone. For now, all I wanted was to be left alone.