“They’ve done it again, I see,” a voice that could be anywhere from 2 to 100 rings out from around me, wherever I am right now.
“Hello?” I call out into the nothingness, not truly knowing if I had hallucinated the voice a second ago, especially as I seem to be in a never-ending expanse of pure darkness. I can’t even see my hands in front of my face, though I can feel my body.
“You’re not feeling your body. That’s your soul. Kind of like memory foam. Your soul is used to being inside a container that you considered shaped like ‘you’ but now that it is no longer inside that container, it will start to lose its shape. This is where I come in,” the voice explains and suddenly, as if they had always been there, a person is in my field of view. Genuinely it’s as if I had blinked and they had filled in my perception with their form. Seamlessly and flawlessly. Had I not been staring directly in that spot, I might have assumed they actually had always been there. Pure white robes flowing down to their feet which are covered with pure white shoes, perfectly contrasting the darkness around them. Their face is … I can’t really focus on it in a meaningful way. Their features are blurred but at the same time when I focus on a specific feature, it pops into focus but blurs again before I reach the next feature. It’s impossible to take in the whole of their face at the same time. They start talking again before my brain catches up with where I am, what they’re saying, and what’s going on. Likely to distract me from panicking.
“I hate when those bastards use my ritual—a ritual they don’t even understand, mind you—to grab people from different universes to use as chaff for whatever game they’re playing at any given moment. They don’t even know all of you come to me first, which is incredibly intellectually deficient of them considering every time they nab someone they come out the other side of the portal different than they entered it. Different species, different strengths, different skills, all of it, or just some of it. It’s up to you, really, but their actions force me to Integrate you into the System of this universe in order to keep you from dying the second you pass through the other side.”
I blink a few times, trying desperately to think through the shock-induced brain fog that seems to be clouding my thought processes at the moment. Unfortunately, all that comes out of my mouth is a weak, “Huh.”
“Indeed,” they respond. Whoever they are. Gods, why can’t I think?
“You can call me Aethos. Your name is Zed, I can see. I’m in the process of integrating you now. You’ll have however long you need to familiarize yourself with the changes before I send you through. Take your time and get your bearings. You were just kidnapped and by people who are using my name to justify their horrible actions. Unfortunately, I can’t remove them from the fabric of reality because I am the consciousness upholding the sanctity of the System and I don’t have any physical power outside of this space. The other gods could but I can’t talk to any of them unless they come here." The voice says the last sentence with barely restrained bitterness.
"And they don’t, really. Some do, although not often, and I can’t make requests of them like ‘murder the faction of nutjobs who are pretending to worship me to justify their use of my portal spell’ without some form of payment. You can imagine—well, actually, you probably can’t; you have no concept of what is happening right now—that I can’t pay anyone anything, let alone another God. Anything they would want, I couldn’t give them. A special skill? I got you. A special Title with some boost to your stats? I have you covered. But something that would be valuable to a God? Not a chance. The System governs mortals on their way to Immortality, but very, very few ever make it th—”
“Stop, stop, STOP! Where am I? Who are you? Did you read my mind a bit ago? How did I get here? What is the System? Why do I have to be Integrated or whatever? Can’t you just send me back? Through the portal? Just open it back up! You’re in charge, you said. Help me!” Finally, I’m able to get some words out, though most of them are questions and none of them are things I really want answers to because what I want are solutions. Solution. The solution being sending me back to where I came from.
“As I said, I am Aethos, Arbiter of the System. I was once a God, and could still be considered as such but not in the same way as the others. I am more of a sacrifice for those who come after me, to ease their way into Immortality. Without me, or the System, they would die brutal deaths by the billions while select few individuals adapt to gaining power without the System. It is technically still possible, and something I imagine you’ll be better at than most due to your circumstances here, and I could explain but that would be a significant digression from your questions. I apologize, I haven’t spoken to anyone in what I imagine are millennia and I am rather excited. I didn’t catch the other, more recent kidnapping victims in time to have a conversation with them.
“You’re in a space between your universe and the one you’re being sent to, the one I am originally from. It’s technically a net comprised of my soul surrounding the whole of the Universe and is powering a permanent ritual that affects every living sentient and sapient being within its borders, but for the purposes of our conversation just consider it to be my home. It’s where I reside, and is now where you are. To answer your further questions, yes, I did read your mind, and yes, I am still reading your mind. No, I can’t turn it off because you are a soul without a container and you have no concept of separating your thoughts or your sense of self from your soul and, thus, cannot ‘turn off’ your projections of your thoughts.
"Even the words you’re saying ‘out loud,’” they form air quotes with their fingers, “are just more fully formed thoughts projected with purpose and Intent which mimic speech." They pause, then, their fingers still curled.
"I would love to stop and talk about why you're seeing those air quotes happening, but that would be such a divergence that I couldn't even begin to convey all the reasons that's so interesting. Suffice it to say, and I will probably reiterate this in a more meaningful way later, this is not my real body and I did not put this form together." Their arms fall back to their sides.
"... Back on track. Very unwillingly, mind you. Outside of the system, magic is comprised of Intent, Will, and Concept. Your concept of a certain subject will inherently affect the way you intend to do something or intend to affect a certain thing and is brought into being by your Will. It is both incredibly complicated and incredibly simple. I could talk about it forever with you if I thought you were even remotely interested in what I had to say, or you would understand any of it. I am not overly fond of teaching. I love discussions, however, with parties who can participate at a level of understanding that you couldn’t possibly had.”
They wave their hand dismissively. They don't stop to comment on the motion this time, though.
I still cannot see their face but their tone becomes derisive. “You wouldn’t need to have an understanding if not for those dumb Aethosian Armada members. Gods, even the name is stupid. Alliteration? They’re not even a military group, let alone an armada,” they snort in a mocking manner before continuing on, “They cast a ritual that should have been excluded from the System entirely but the rules dictate that all magic must be granted under the System with exception to magic that involves Enslavement based on the Concept itself. At least let that be a weight off your shoulders, if you can find it in you to be optimistic about one thing. You are not in danger of being magically enslaved. Gods, that was horrid back before the System was enforced.”
I sputter for a second, trying to find the words to say that this is ridiculous, how could I ever be okay with any of this, that of course it’s not a relief that I might not be magically enslaved but there’s nothing saying I can’t be physically enslaved, that I shouldn’t be here at all, that I shouldn’t have been taken from my home in the first place, to send me back, to help me, to—
“Stop, Zed.” Their voice is soothing, though it doesn’t quite work. I am still panicking, of course. I don’t know if they had intended to use magic or whatever on me but it didn’t work.
“I’m not using magic on you. You’re just a soul and you can’t use magic on a soul itself, only the container in which the soul resides. Of course, the soul can affect magic because it is magic, but that’s another thing entirely. Listen, I truly, truly apologize and I wish it were different but I can’t send you back through the portal because, as I just said, magic doesn’t affect the soul itself, only the body, the container. While you’re here in this space, you are just a soul and I cannot send you through a portal separate from the one you were pulled through.”
They pause.I can feel the hesitation in the surrounding atmosphere somehow. I look up at them from my “seated” position. I had curled up at some point, though I don’t remember doing it. It is as if I am suddenly gaining awareness of my position. I don’t remember when I did it. It doesn’t feel like I ever stopped looking at them, though having to return my attention back to them now signals to me that I had. Why is this something that I’m focusing on? I’m speaking to an extra-dimensional God, essentially. That’s something to be focused on.
“I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but you need to know for context. This will be hard to hear, Zed. Possibly harder than anything else I’ve said so far. Your body… was essentially atomized upon being pulled through the portal. It was not a part of the System, not from this Universe in the first place, and, as such, could not exist inside of it. Your soul, however, as I said, cannot be acted upon by magic and so here you are. I could explain the intricacies of it, but I don’t think you want that, and I don’t think you would absorb it in a meaningful way at this moment."
The robed figure, along with the heavy presence, crouches down to meet me at my level. I can feel them close to me despite the fact that they aren't even close to touching me.
"In other words, Zed, I cannot send you back through a portal because there is no you to return to. That body, your old body, is essentially dead. I wish with everything in me that I could do something about it, but I cannot. All I can do is personally oversee your Integration as a Migrator.” Their voice is kinder than any I’ve heard in a long while, reminiscent of the therapists I’d spoken to back in that care facility, or Mr. Jenkins, but it isn’t helping. I’m still panicking, I’m still scared, I’m still—
“Zed, please, listen to me, alright? You’re soul is in a state of immense vulnerability. Not only because of the emotional trauma but because you’ve just traversed a dimensional barrier through Elemental Space, a True Element. You don’t have those where you’re from, otherwise your soul wouldn’t be as unstable as it is. I know this is terrible. I know that this is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to you. To be taken from your world with no prospect of returning to it is a harrowing thing. Despicable. Disgusting." I turn away, then, not wishing to look at this figure robed in white while they explain to me that I died. Dead. I'm—
And then I feel a pressure encompassing me. My soul, I suppose. It feels like the warmest, heaviest blanket I’ve ever felt. Like the biggest hug I’ve ever experienced. As if I am inside a great sea of the warmest, most soothing water in existence, though it does little to assuage the despair I feel in this moment. They continue speaking, the voice not coming from as close to me as would be necessary if they were the reason for the pressure.
"What they’ve done to you is unforgivable. I’m going to help you, though. In a way I couldn’t help the others because they caught the ass end of my awareness and got the automated process rather than the personal attention that I’m going to give you, okay? I can’t give you your old life back, but I can help you make it so that when you get out of here you won’t be helpless. We’ll get you through it and then you’re going to kick some ass, okay? Just take some deep breaths. They're not actual breaths, but it will help you calm down. Think about taking deep, calming breaths.This sucks. It sucks. I know that. It won’t stop sucking until you manage to find a life here, somehow, and I’m sorry.” They pause again, likely to give me time to digest what they are saying.
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I still can’t think clearly enough to respond in a coherent manner. I know they said that I didn’t need to speak “aloud” because I technically don’t have a mouth and am made up of my own concept of what a soul is, which is a whole other can of worms I don’t want to spiral down right now, but I’m all over the place. My shop, my life, my solitude, my peace. I had reached a place of contentment that I never thought I could before. I never thought I’d be okay again after all that had happened to me growing up.
Those last few years, even with the beatings from my father before I’d learned enough to defend myself, were nowhere near as bad as when I was a child. I don’t even want to explore all of that. I can’t help but think of some of it, though, here in this place where I am suddenly no longer in control.
I’m suddenly ten all over again, shaking uncontrollably in my bed while my father is passed out on the floor next to me. It’s winter and the cold air is billowing into the room so much and the thin blanket I have isn’t enough to get rid of the chill and I can’t get out of the bed to close it. I’m not shaking because of the cold.
I feel exactly like I did then. Terrified. That I’m in danger. That someone is going to come and hurt me and I won’t be able to stop them. They’re going to hurt me. Please, please, God, Gods, whatever, help me. Please, help me. I don’t want to feel like this again. I was okay. I was okay. Please let me be okay again. Let this be a dream. Let me wake up.
I can feel small vibrations coming from whatever is causing the pressure—likely Aethos—that remind me of the way a kitten purrs. It makes me feel better immediately despite the terror I feel. I lean into it as much as I can, hating the need to be comforted but needing it more than I have hate for it. I need the comfort. I’m scared I might break otherwise.
“I’m here, Zed. I know that it’s scary. I can’t say nothing bad will ever happen to you again because that would be a lie and I suspect you don’t want loving lies right now. Well, I know that you don’t want that, but I—never mind. What I mean to say is that you are strong. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You managed to find a place of peace within yourself even with all that you’ve gone through. You’re a warrior through and through and that will help you so much here. You’ve got skills. Real ones. Ones that, yes, will translate well to the System, but ones that you’ve worked so hard for, ones that you’ve poured yourself into with the whole of your being." Aethos keeps talking, comforting and distracting me as expertly as they can. I recognize what they're doing. It's still working, though, despite that. Even if only a little.
"You found the beauty in the scars and you took ownership of them. You took ownership of you. I am proud of you, even if that doesn’t mean anything. Just know that. You are strong. I see that strength plain as the sun but you’re also fragile. You’ve been holding it together with sheer force of will and, although you have so, so much of that, so much more than you should have had to in your world, it wouldn’t have lasted forever. You’d become detached. You were pouring bits and pieces of yourself into the things you did because that was the only way you had to feel them. The only connection you had to the pieces you couldn’t find inside yourself anymore.” Aethos keeps talking and hugging and I keep sobbing and letting them hug me. Shaking. Please. I don’t want to be strong. I want to be okay. Just let me be okay.
“You’re okay, Zed. You’re so good at being okay. You’ve been okay your entire life, even when you felt like you were going to fall apart. You don’t want to be okay. You want to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You wouldn’t have found it in the life you were living, though, Zed. You were unfulfilled even if you loved the work you were doing. You needed more. You needed people, even if people scare you. You can’t walk through life alone even if that feels safer. It’s lonelier. That doesn’t make this okay by any measure and I was serious when I said I’m going to help you. Where I’m headed with this is my Universe is full of people. Full of people who’ve gone through things similar to the things you have.
"The world is flawed and great sadness is found here because of how they’re forced to struggle for the safety your world takes for granted—your situation notwithstanding, though I mean it in the way the world is poised to cause harm with the purpose of making you stronger. But like you said, you don’t want to be strong. You want to be okay. You want to be happy. My Universe has that, too. There’s so much bad, but the good is that much better because of it. Connections are stronger. Easier. The world in your memories is full of distance, even among family. There is individuality to the point of being detrimental. People dying of thirst next to someone with a bottle of water because they were too proud to ask for a drink.
"When you get through this situation, when you kick those bastards’ asses on the other side of that portal, you’ll find people who’ll try their hardest to get to know you, to get closer to you, to draw you into their circle because they fear the isolation that your world breeds. To be alone is to be dead because you cannot ask for help when you need it. You need it, Zed.” I sob as Aethos talks. I shudder in a way I can’t describe. If I were in a body, I would have said it was soul deep but I am a soul and it feels deeper still.
I shudder.
I don’t have to say what I want aloud, either, because Aethos presses harder around me, holding me, purring harder to help me regulate myself. I appreciate it more than words could ever convey and I’m grateful I don’t have to try. They can feel it. I’m in a terrible situation, but I can’t imagine having to do this completely alone. I can’t imagine what the others went through without Aethos here to guide them through the process, emotional and otherwise.
In many ways, I suppose I never grew up. I just kept putting bandages on the cracks when my emotions grew too much for my psyche to handle and called it a day. No one noticed, or said anything, so how was I supposed to know it wasn’t normal? Of course I saw others laughing and smiling and it filled me with a deep sense of longing, but I always dismissed it as them faking it or playing it up for others. I wasn’t interested in theater.
“I’m here, though, okay? For as long as you need, I’m here. You’re here. No real time will have passed when you pass through the other side into the body we design so you quite literally have forever if you so choose. I won’t be able to stay with you forever—at least the consciousness I’ve formed for you here will not be able to, considering I am this space you’re in—but you can stay here as long as you like.”
I don’t respond. I can’t respond. I feel better in some ways because of Aethos’s frankly amazing job at comforting me but what can I say to all that? Anything I can say would be a half-formed, terrified ball of emotion I don’t want to say let alone throw at them. They don’t deserve the negative emotions that are bubbling in the pit of what I would have said was my stomach, but there’s nothing there. My core? It isn’t their fault I’m here. They’re going out of their way to help me when they don’t have to. They’re literally a God and they’re helping a lowly human through what must seem like such a trivial emotional episode. A lowly soul, rather, because I don’t have a body anymore. Suddenly, a question pops into my head and Aethos is answering before it’s even fully formed.
“You can’t go back through the portal on the other side, even though you’ll be in a body created by the System, because the portal opens to a random location in a random universe. I designed it that way so we could meet more people, see other societies, make connections. I didn't know what I know about the way bringing others here works. It didn't." There is great sadness in Aethos's voice when they speak. The Spell must have caused a lot of death, from what I'm gathering.
"I meant what I said earlier about wishing I’d never made it, wishing I could have Banned it with a capital B. It was misguided of me. Naïve. I knew exactly what the doctrine of our world was back then, the things we had to do to survive in the hell we were born into, what people were willing to do to survive. It’s why when I Ascended I created the System so that those who came after me didn’t have to go through what we did.
"You wouldn’t know this, but on average, before the System, there was probably no more than a billion people on the whole of Ackellia—the planet I was born on and the planet you’re being sent to—but now that the System is in place the average sits around fifty billion. The world is huge, Zed. If I am converting the knowledge of the dimensions of your planet correctly, then Ackellia is around seven times as large as your Earth. A billion people across such a huge area is like throwing a couple fruits into an empty castle and calling it full.
“Anyway, I digress. As I said, I haven’t spoken to anyone in an incredible amount of time. The ritual they cast, the one I designed, saves on power by only opening to random places and staying open for a set amount of time depending on the amount of Essence used to power the spell. It would have taken more time than I had mortality to create one that goes exactly where you want it to like that, and even if that spell had been the one I created, you would have to know where your Universe is located relative to this one, and where your planet is relative to the one you’re on. Unfortunately, Zed, you have no way of knowing that. Or finding it out. I can only access your knowledge of the place and because there is no Essence on your world, at least not in the sense that it can be wielded as it can in my Universe, you would not have an intrinsic sense of such a thing. I am sorry. If there was another way, I would know about it and I would tell you.”
It probably shouldn’t, but I find it increasingly comforting that they can read my thoughts. It saves me the energy I would have to put into speaking. “I’m sorry about that, too. I truly can’t turn that off, like I said. You are thought right now, even if you can’t personally see it. You had it right earlier when you said you were made up of your concept of what a soul is. Our perceptions of the situation are very different. The vision you’re seeing of me is entirely created by your own mind. I only moved my awareness closer to you; I didn’t form some body that looks the way you see it, nor control the way you perceived it moving."
The pressure around my soul shifts this way and that before settling back down.
"I’m not even using it to embrace you right now, though you didn’t notice. It is not your fault. You were experiencing significant distress. Something as minute as who or what is hugging you when you need is so badly would surely not have crossed your mind. It is an interesting side effect of the way Essence works, though. Concept. You can’t conceptualize what my face might look like so your mind allows you to focus on specific features I may have instead of allowing you to take in the whole of my face you’ve created. You’re hearing my thoughts, even, or at least the ones I am actively directing at you right now.”
There is a sigh. Aethos is still embracing me, the vibration still doing its job of keeping me as stable as possible. Warm despite the soul-deep chill I feel at my situation. They’re doing a wonderful job of distracting me from my emotions and comforting me about the ones that slip through. I do, however, notice that the white robed figure is nowhere to be found, any longer.
“I can see that the mind is a sacred place where you come from; the only true expression of privacy one can have. Ackellia has Mental magic, though it isn’t widely practiced due to potential for abuse and how strictly the practice is overseen, so we as a planet don’t share this sanctity of mind. We share in the sanctity of connection. I won’t say human connection because humans are far from the only race on Ackellia. Ackellia isn’t even the only planet with life on it in the planetary system it’s in, let alone the whole Universe. What I mean to say is that this concept of sanctity was taken from you by them, too, and in a much deeper way than just being in my presence belies. I am sorry.
“The only concession I can give you to express that regret, as I said, is a better foundation than they could possibly hope to have. They were born inside the System. They were born with the imperfections of mortal flesh, genetically designed and flawed, Essence channels flawed the same way. Natural. They were designed by evolution and genetic differentiation, two concepts you’re already aware of, but you will be designed by a God. Of course, some others lucked out and are naturally talented, as well, but you will be on par with them from the start because I am going to create your body. You don’t have to tell others about your status as a Migrator. They won’t see it anywhere in an Inspection, either. They may deduce it given you won’t really have any knowledge of the world, but I can answer any questions you have before you cross.
"In the meantime, we’ll begin the next steps of your Integration. I’ve already parsed the Records provided to me when you entered my Domain. I will give you your Skills based on those records personally. You will have as close to a flawless Integration as I can give you but it doesn’t have to be right this moment. Technically, this isn’t a moment at all, but that’s Concept stuff. In any case, take your time. Truly. I will be here when you are ready for us to begin the process, alright?”
I don’t nod. I don’t have to. They know that I understood them. Aethos doesn’t let go of me, but I can sense somehow that their attention is now somewhere else. When they were there it was like standing close to an electric fence. I could feel it despite not being close enough to touch it. Now that their attention is elsewhere, it’s like I am alone again. Because that’s what I am, even if Aethos is hugging me. Alone. I’m the only one from my Universe in the whole of this one and I won’t ever be able to go back. I may not have had a great childhood, may have had a shit life by anyone else’s standards, but it was my life. I made it out of the ashes of my childhood. It may not have been a Phoenix or anything but that was okay. I was okay with that. I was okay.
I had finally been okay.