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[ The contents of an untitled email. ]
1:29 AM. Am I yelling into the void every time I write anything, or speak to someone, or share to you the things I’ve learned? Sometimes I think I am. Factually speaking, I am not, but what if you don’t have thoughts? You do have thoughts (factually!) and it would be absurd to think you don’t, but I don’t actually get to KNOW of them. So I don’t have any evidence that you’re there. It’s unnerving. It’s very unnerving because I am saying a lot and hearing nothing in return. I don’t like it. In fact, if you’re there (if you’re real), you might be able to see the unnerving right now. Can you? Do you see the flashing of the nerves? How each flash gets weaker and weaker? That’s the unnerving. You can see how the nerves flicker out, their electricity goes OUT and I get unnerved and unmoored and it’s all going, going, the lights are going out. They’re all going out.
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The void used to be a person once. It has been many, many people. One void is many voids. All the voids are ‘part’ of the void, but there’s no separating the parts from the whole. They melt into one and nothing, one and nothing after having been many many different– see, they were all people once, each of these voids. But then they lost it all. No spark in them remaining. They find themselves at the end just lying there, vacant, and what used to be familiar (family, friends, pain, home, love, aching bones from carrying burdens) turns into mere data, streaming in through their senses but getting scrambled as it tries to… tries to what? What’s the point of collecting the data?
O god o god o god… do you love me? And do I love you? The answers are data, but what’s the point? What’s the point? All the data is going to– I’m so tired, it’s really late and I’m tired and my nerves are going. I’m not sure you’d care. I HOPE you would, but I’m not sure, but would it matter? All my thoughts– the void used to be a person. Many people. You’re not different. I’m not different. We are people. That is not permanent. My sparks are leaving One and nothing. One and nothing. One and nothing. What I know and what you know and what we are and what we were. One and nothing. One and nothing.