My mood doesn't pick up at all when we get back to the girls' condo. “I'm sorry, I got all this stuff. Sorry for taking up space...” I continuously mumble apologies as I unpack it on the kitchen counter. “I'll try to keep it out of the way, is there somewhere that you don't need? No, should I just throw it out?”
Simina claps a hand down on my shoulder, making me jolt and flinch in shock. “Ray, chill out. It's no bother, seriously. Here, I'll show you where to put everything.” Her words make my breath catch. She can't really mean that, can she? Anywhere I put things takes up their space, how could that not bother them? Of course they'll hate it – hate me.
I'm stricken, in disbelief as she walks me through the bathroom and points out the spots I can put each of my things. The places are empty too. It's not like my stuff is going on top of theirs, or in front of it or anything. They have plenty of empty space left over. Is this really alright? It's really not a problem?
With all my items distributed, she grabs a chair, drags it into the bathroom to butt it up against the sink, and pushes me into it. “Now, unless you want dreads like mine, we've got to get your hair cleaned up. Hair? What hair? She takes some scissors and some time, and starts cutting. It doesn't take her too long. I don't know how she does it, but she cuts my hair.
I do have hair, don't I?
Oh god why do I have hair?
It's just making more work for them... But the moment I open my mouth to say something, Simini brandishes her scissors and tells me to hold still. Once she's done cutting, she pulls up a little sheet of plastic out of the sink, all the cut hair inside, and tosses it in the trash. Then she has me lean my head back into the sink again, wetting it and slowly working a brush through with the help of a bunch of gooey stuff, probably shampoo and conditioner. She keeps working at it for a while, until we hear the front door open.
“I'm back!” Fara calls from the other room.
“Yo! I'm fixing Ray's hair!” Simini yells back.
“His hair? Did something happen?” She sounds alarmed, practically running toward the bathroom, her shoes clacking loudly on their wooden floor.
“Nah, nothing like that. It was just a mess. He probably never washed it properly.” Simini answers more quietly since Fara is already in the doorway right next to us.
“Ahh, I see. Thanks a lot, Simini.”
“Pshh, no prob.” It isn't much longer before she finishes, wrapping my head and hair in the new towel I bought when I was shopping earlier. Fara threw out the old one I brought with me. Apparently, it was made almost entirely of mold...
Simini squeezes my wrapped up hair a few times to get the excess water out, then pulls the towel off and hangs it off the wall rack to dry. Fara is nodding down at me, clearly pleased. Even if I'm wasting her time, at least she looks happy... Oh god, she's not faking it, is she?
The girls stand me up and turn me around. I reflexively close my eyes when they point me toward the mirror. “Ray, don't you want to see how you look?” Simini asks.
Eyes still shut tight, I shake my head. “I can't look in mirrors.”
“Uhh... why?”
“I...” I'm not sure how to explain it. How to say it in a way that would make sense to anyone but me. “It's like, I can't stand it. Seeing it. It- existing like that. The thing in the mirror can't be me. It's a monster. But I know it's me, and I'm the monster, but I can't- I can't-” Just thinking about this is about to make me dive down deep and hide from all of this until it goes away.
Fara's hand on my shoulder is the only thing that holds me here. She squeezes and says, “Alright, Ray, just keep breathing, you're fine. You don't have to say any more.”
“Woah, dude...” Simini mutters.
There's a short pause before Fara asks, “Ray, you never mentioned that before. Is it something new?”
“I don't know. I can't remember.” As far as I'm aware, it's always been like this. But my awareness extends backward like, five minutes, so that's really not a good measure to go by.
“You don't? What about the first time it happened?”
I shake my head. “I don't remember anything, I have no idea.”
“Like amnesia?” Simini questions.
“Not amnesia,” I clarify, “It's just better to forget everything.” Fara pulls me by the hand, back into the common room, and I can hear Simini following. Once I'm safely away from the mirror, I open my eyes again.
I never wanted to tell her about this, it would just lead to her wasting her time asking questions like she is now. But she's already found the loose thread, and there won't be any stopping her from pulling until I unravel.
She puts me down on the couch, sitting next to me, while Simini takes a position on a nearby chair with an odd expression, a kind of horrified interest and wonder.
“Ray, do you think you can talk about this?” Fara asks gently. “Without dissociating again?”
“I have no idea,” I respond honestly. No, “Probably not.” No matter what it's about, I'm too pathetic to get through any conversation myself.
“Well, let's just give it a try, alright? I'm right here with you, it'll be fine.” Her eyes never leave mine. I'm terrified, but I nod. How could trash like me possibly refuse anything she wants? “Do you have any idea why you think of yourself like that?” She pauses, hesitating before she says it. “...As a monster?”
I swallow. “I just am.”
“You don't have a reason for it?” she prods gently. “Any reason behind it? A thing about yourself that you think makes you a monster?”
“No, I...” I frown. “I just am.” I answer like that, but now the question is in my head. Why am I so awful? Such absolutely pathetic, disgusting garbage? Why do I shatter at the slightest touch and spend my entire life hiding away inside my own mind?
…
I have no idea.
I think about it, but I simply do not know.
I have no idea what led to a worthless, miserable insect like me posing as a functional human being. This is just how I am. My existence itself is wrong. I shouldn't be. This world would be better off without me in it. Because I'm a fucked up, vile monster for absolutely no reason. I just fucking am.
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My head hurts... And my neck... And my hands...
“Urgh...” I groan, feeling like my conscious is rattling its way back into my awful meat suit. Why can't I just be unconscious all the time...? It was so much better than existing like this...
There's a startled sound as I open my eyes, view swimming. Where am I? Why is everything so hazy?
“Ray, are you alright?!” Fara's voice. I try to answer, but my tongue feels like lead and I have no idea what I would say even if I could. “Simini, that was too much.”
“Better than the alternative.” I try sitting up, my muscles flailing awkwardly as they try to obey the scrambled signals. It's starting to come back though, and after a minute of effort, I think the haze is clearing.
“Wh-whadappened?” I slur my question, eyes still failing to focus on my sister's face.
Fara hesitates. “You... tried to claw your throat out.”
Oh. Shit.
“Simini stopped you by knocking you out.”
“Shorry...”
“No, I'm sorry for pushing you.” Her shoulders tremble. “I just wanted to help!” Oh no, she's crying. I made her cry again. I flop forward. The best I can do is thumping her in the belly with my head. It feels like my hands are tied.
“No, it's-” I stumble, but manage to pull my words together this time. “It's always my fault. This is why I left. I keep hurting you. It would be better if I was gone, I don't want to ruin your life any more.”
“No!” Fara cries. “Don't you ever say that! I'll never forgive you if you kill yourself over something stupid like that! I don't care what you think about yourself. You're my brother and I love you.” Teeth grinding together, she speaks, each bit broken up as she works to force the words out. “That won't change. No matter what. But it's all over if you kill yourself. You can't. Promise me.”
I grit my teeth, turning my head down into her lap. It's not like it's my choice. “I promise.” I say it anyway, knowing full well that I'm not the one who gets to make that decision. Not consciously, anyway. I've always been too much of a coward to go through with it myself. It's only when I lose my grip like that, that I could do it.
She knows it's a lie. I can feel the word on her lips above me as I stare down into her lap. The unbridled hate. But she doesn't say it. Why won't she ever tell me how much she despises me?
Instead, her words only hold gentle care. “Alright. Remember, you promised.” She rubs my head in her lap briefly, then slips it down softly onto the couch. “I'm going to make us some food, alright? Just rest for now.” She heads over into the kitchen and starts cooking dinner. It's only then that I realize Simini quietly slipped away during the conflict.
I remain prone and listless on the couch until she calls us for dinner. Simini and Allie peak tentatively out of their rooms before heading toward the kitchen counter. I stand up too, trudging over. When Simini unties the shirt they used as makeshift bindings from my wrists, I apologize again. I've only been here a few days and I'm already fucking everything up...
I touch my neck. It's bandaged, but I can feel the sting where my fingernails broke the skin earlier. There's also the lump I can feel forming on the back of my head where Simini hit me. At least Fara didn't have to watch me claw my throat out and bleed to death...
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
I hate myself so much...
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Dinner passes mostly in silence. It's morose and makes me feel even worse. When we turn in for the night, Fara mentions wanting to play a game to decompress since she hasn't in a few days with everything going on and there was a big update recently. I just nod and lie down while she starts up Planes of Oblivion and disappears into VR sleep for the night.
I stare at the dark ceiling for a while, unable to do anything but hurl curse after curse at myself in the silence. Eventually, those thoughts finally ease. I sigh in some odd kind of relief. Then I sit up, crawling over to dig through my bag down at the bottom, I find my crappy little VR phone holder thing. It was in here after all.
To think, I left my entire life behind, and this is one of the few items that made it into my bag. Figures. I'm in absolutely no mood to play. My computer isn't hooked up anything, even if I did want to. I wonder when I'll get to go back. Being Mei was wonderful. Getting to just... deserve existence. Is that how normal people feel all the time?
Not until I get a job. I don't deserve things like happiness or fun while I'm still leaching completely off of my sister. Ruining not just her life, but everyone else's too. “Need a job...” I mumble as I return to my blanket on the floor.
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The next day, I actually manage to work up the will to apply for jobs. It's probably the carrot hanging in front of me, that little bit of potential happiness waiting for me, that gets me through it. I go through and put in applications for a number of places in town. Low level menial labor part time jobs, but they're something. Already far more than I deserve. I doubt I can even manage them, but I have to try...
When Fara comes home, I tell her and she gives me a hug. She says she's proud of me. And for once, I like it. I did apply for those jobs. I did it on my own, and I succeeded.
When she goes to start dinner, I shoot up. “I-I- Can I help?” I stammer.
Fara smiles again, and my heart feels full. “Sure.” There are things I can do that aren't a burden.
The next day, I go around to the couple jobs that, unbelievably, responded to my application. Despite my nerves, I somehow hold it together long enough to land one at a convenience store. They run me through the basics – running the register and a handful of other simple tasks, and I'm reminded so strongly of my time working as Mei, that I think even an idiot like me can manage this.
“First shift is Monday morning. See you then.” The manager nods and sends me off.
When I get back home, I sit down on the couch, beaming at nothing. I have a job. Even I can be happy sometimes.
“Well this is new,” Allie comments as she walks over from where she was reading something. “You got the job?” I nod frantically, and she laughs. “That's really good to hear. I'm glad things are turning around for you.”
After a little while longer vibrating on the couch, I head into Fara's room. Fara told me I could set up my computer in one spot in her room, but I never got around to it until now. With all the wiring in place, I turn it on and it looks like it's working. There isn't enough space in her small room to set up another monitor, so I have to plug it into hers, but it works. I'll just have to use it when she isn't around, I couldn't bear getting in her way using her own computer.
She won't be home for a while, and I want to reward myself for doing well like I said I would. Since it's Friday night and I don't have work until Monday morning, I can play over the weekend. So for now, I want to do a little more research.
It's hazy after a week of crazy changes, but thanks to it being Mei's memories, I remember there being a few things I wanted to look into. First, there's something I talked to Kelly about. She mentioned different races in the game, so I pull up the game's official info page and scroll through the listed races. Looks like a mix of classic fantasy and a number of their own unique ones.
I'm seeing Human, a few animal type demihuman races, and Elf. Then, the rest look like original races. Rakk, Tralk, Estrelle, Kallif, Mirin, Lotol. The names don't mean anything to me. Which one did Kelly say she would have liked? I have to close my eyes and think, but it does come back to me. I'm so glad I can actually remember Mei's life.
“Estrelle...” I mumble as I pull up the race description.
'The beautiful Estrelle attune themselves to the power of Aura through mystical runes on their bodies.'
So a magic type race? I switch over to the player run wiki for more in-depth info, and immediately find what Kelly was talking about. According to the wiki, they always get a Magic or Aura stat boost, and usually an Action or Spell Affinity. The problem is how weak they are.
Looks like player reporting places them somewhere around sixty percent of the strength of humans.
“Holy...” I mutter. That big of a difference? No wonder why no one plays them. I mean, the example images are absolutely, jaw-droppingly stunning, but there's no way most players would give up that much power to look good. Not when from a gameplay perspective, they could just reroll a human until they get the same Affinities an Estrelle is likely to get.
How is that balanced though? Why would Dana Corp make it like that? There has to be more going on. Like... my Major Affinity is for my Aura stat. If I played a human, it would have been thirty or forty percent stronger? I briefly click over to the cat-kin race and see that people say their affinities are closer to human strength, and adjust that figure down to ten or twenty percent.
“But still,” I mumble. With numbers like that, there should be a massive trade-off. Whatever that trade-off is, the players must not have figured it out yet.
Of course that's all going on the assumption that Dana Corp has a competent dev team. If they're bad devs, then they've kneecapped the diversity of races in their game by making one of the most important aspects of choosing a race into a min-maxing choice. And they made the 'correct' option so overwhelmingly obvious that even their info-hiding didn't camouflage it.
It's a possibility, I've seen plenty of shitty games like that. But I can't believe it. Games survive single huge screw-ups like that, but if Dana Corp is really so terrible they botched something this basic, they'd have made a ton of other awful decisions, and would've nuked the game's popularity a long time ago.
There's not a snowball's chance in hell Planes would still be the most popular game in the world.
Without any further information to go on, I can't guess at anything else. Maybe this big tradoff for Affinity strength will only become obvious after players have more time to sink into the game. It's only been out for a few months now after all.
Continuing on after all those thoughts, I click back over to where I started and keep reading. There's a mention that Estrelle are about a forty percent generation rate. Forty percent of what? What are they generating?
I go back to the race page, scanning and clicking through until I get to a video walkthrough of character setup, so I can see the part of the process I missed.
The guy talks as he goes, showing the login, then the start of character generation. As soon as he chooses the character's gender, it opens to the race options. The guy immediately points out how not every race is available on every roll.
Oh. That's certainly different. It looks like which races are available vary every time you start a new character, and the rates they appear at are different. That's what they mean by generation rate... Humans are there just about always, which I'm sure doesn't surprise anyone, while some other races are more rare. They can be rare, but still weaker? I definitely don't believe it...
I shake my head and move on.
It also generates a completely unique base character model for every race. So even if the character on offer from one race looks terrible, the option from another race might not look anything like that. Now, if rerolling wasn't an option, that might have been a good reason to choose a non-human...
As I continue to watch, I realize there's a ton of variety. He goes through a few rolls, showing examples and when he selects the female cat-kin, I pause the video. It looks nothing like mine. Completely different skin color, all the features are different. Sharper and taller. More bulk. With so much character variety and such a narrow window to edit them, I may as well have struck gold with mine.
Closing the video, I skim through the other info available on the wiki, and one thing really catches my eye. Apart from all the normal races, there are two that are super rare. The Dark-Touched basically read like corrupted, monster versions of other races, with physical characteristics like the Oblivion forces. Unnatural appearances; horns, huge spikes, and stuff like that. They have higher base stats too. And supposedly, they're way more likely to roll Curse Affinities, but the wiki page notes that they don't have enough data to be sure about that claim.
Wow, four months and they still don't know something that basic? They must be rare after all...
The second of the two special races makes my eyes pop open as soon as I see the page's image. It's those things! The sentry drone things!
Apparently they're called the Relic race. Some sort of sentient robots. Flipping back to the official site, they aren't even listed as playable. According to the wiki, they can come up, but they're so stupidly rare that there are only a handful of players in the entire world they've been able to confirm playing such characters. They don't have a single shred of information on the specifics of the race, like stats or Affinities, or anything.
I hum appreciatively. I didn't know I got to see something so rare. I even have short clip of it recorded on my stream. Turning my thoughts from that, I take some time to read through the basics of the other races, storing the info away for later.
When I get back to the cat-kin page, I note that my race comes with better hearing, night vision, balance, and higher chances for Piercing and vision related Affinities. Exploit falls under that, right? I guess that's why I got it... And as I saw earlier, their Affinities are supposedly ten or twenty percent weaker than humans. Maybe that's in-range as a trade off for the better senses and extra body parts, but I have definite doubts.
I push the thought aside again, and read up on the other races to familiarize myself with them all.
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Once I've made it through everything, I pause and consider what else I wanted to check. “Right, those things I got.” I pull up my private recording on my streaming account to listen to it again.
“Titles: cursed one, heretic, savior, dissonant, bug spotter,” my recorded voice replays back to me. “Personal affinity from afar. Titles: plane walker, outsider.” So those were all the things I got after talking to that staff member. First I pull up the page on Titles. It looks like you earn them from doing specific things, and you can set one on your character at a time. Each one comes with some sort of bonus. They have a whole list on the wiki, so I do a quick search.
“Cursed One,” I pull it up. Huh? “Given to any player with a Curse Affinity?” Wait, but, what? I already have three affinities. Does that mean I actually have four? There's some curse on me too, strong enough that it generated a whole extra Affinity? I must be seriously lucky then. Whatever it is, it hasn't seemed to affect me at all... What in the world could the Curse be doing then?
With no answers, I decide to shelve the question for testing in-game. Moving on, I search for the Heretic title, but it isn't listed. I try putting it into a search engine and don't get anything either. That's... weird. How could no one else have that Title yet? Maybe they just didn't bother reporting on it, or the wiki editors haven't gotten to adding it yet.
Savior and Dissonant turn out to be exactly the same. I guess they are still working on things. A glance at the discussion page for the titles confirms it. It's an absolute shit-show of conflicting arguments with hundreds of smashed together screenshots of different Titles. Ok...
Bug Spotter is pretty obvious. Yup, granted by the staff for reporting a bug. Ooh, it gives a cool glow effect and small stat boost while equipped, nice...
A search for Plane Walker doesn't get me anything either.
Last up is Outsider, which is for... traveling to a region other than your home region. But I haven't done that...? I've only been to Lenarlil so far, unless it counted that weird place I went as another region? It was another game map... Looks like this one can only be equipped outside of your home region though, which makes sense with a name like that. And it gives a movespeed and stamina buff, likely for long distance traveling.
Huh, with enough Titles, you could probably switch between them when you want to do different things, but I am starting to wonder how large the effects are. It does say you have to wait five minutes between swapping.
Based on all this, the editors are clearly having a rough time sussing things out on the Title front. A lot of the commenters can't agree on the calculations for the buffs at all.
Well, that's it for Titles. The only other thing was that... Personal Affinity. Does that mean I have five now? Including whatever Curse I supposedly have? It was called 'From Afar,' right? I search for it, but again, absolutely nothing. I go as far as scrolling through a few pages of search engine results, and there's virtually nothing about it.
“Well...” I murmur. An unknown Affinity granted by the game's staff. That support guy, didn't he say something about giving me something while laughing? So is it just a joke thing for going out of bounds, or does it actually do something useful...? It doesn't even sound like any of the types I've read about.
I've heard mention of going to see someone about my Affinities, I wonder if I can do that after all? What was that...? It takes a few searches for someone to mention the right word and jog my memory. A seer. That's right, those were the people to see if you managed to earn a new Affinity!
Scanning, it looks like an unofficial term people came up with on some game forums, and it caught on. When I pull up more about them, it says the term covers any players with non-standard abilities that let them gain more information about stuff in the game, like people, items, and monsters. So not just for Personal Affinities, but those are naturally included.
I run another search to check if there are any seers in Lenarlil, but I'm not getting any results. When I widen the search to cover the game in general, the results don't improve. Is this the kind of thing that they don't really broadcast outside the game? Maybe I'll ask around town when I play and see what I come up with...