I spend my shift standing behind the register, staring a hole in the far wall and making myself cash out anyone that comes up to the counter. The next thing I know, my boss is coming in for her shift and telling me I can go for the day.
My legs feel like lead as I try to form some normal-sounding response and get myself out the door without getting fired. I only make it a few blocks down the road before I have to sit down against a building, curling to press my head into my knees.
I keep breathing, but instead of helping, it's pushing my panic further and further until it feels like my heart's going to explode. My chest keeps heaving with every gasp of my lungs.
...Am I dying...?
----------------------------------------
There's nothing to do as the panic explodes through my entire being, waves crashing over me one after another. I press my back to the wall, head clutched in my hands. Fighting to endure the feeling, until a familiar voice suddenly calls out.
“...Alex?” When I look up, Fara is standing over me. “What are you doing here?”
“Ah...” My hands stretch out, but my words won't work. I can't focus, can't explain this terrible feeling. All I can do is gasp at her. Let her take my hands in her own, gently leading me away. I follow to wherever she brings me. Where she puts me, sits down beside me, and rubs my back slowly.
Fara has me breathe. In and out. In and out. Even as my brain screams, tells me the end is here, that I'm not alright. I'll never be alright. Everything is over, I'm doomed!
But I keep breathing anyway. Even if my head says that I'm totally fucked, I'm going to die here, Fara is never wrong.
----------------------------------------
Eventually, the dread recedes. All on it's own, it just... goes away. I sit for a while longer after, more from the shock than anything else.
What was that? Why was I so scared? All I'm doing is sitting on Fara's bed, with her rubbing my back soothingly. We're just sitting here, why did it feel like the entire world was ending? So why is my heart still hammering so hard?
“What happened? What was that?” I breathe out the question, turning slowly to Fara, like she would know the answer. “I just... I felt- I couldn't. It was too much. I...” My hands move, futilely trying to express these horrible feelings. “Like... I was scared... I mean, terrified, I couldn't move, I just...”
I'm not making any sense, am I? Of course not, I'm just being stupid...
“Alex, it sounds like you had a panic attack.”
“Panic...” I stare at her in disbelief. There's a name for those feelings? “Panic... attack?”
While I'm wrapping my head around that, Fara herds me into the kitchen, sitting me at the counter and setting the kettle to heat up.
She sits across from me, taking my hands in hers and gives a comforting squeeze. “Do you know what a panic attack is?” I give a small shake of my head. I know the phrase, but those feelings were... I never would have imagined...
She explains. “It's basically when you get completely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, but without a source. It's when your brain tells you something's wrong, but there isn't.”
“So... it's all just in my head?”
Fara's expression tightens. “Well, yes... But that doesn't make it any less real!” She lifts my drooping head so I'll keep looking her in the eye. “When you're that scared, that's all that matters, not the why. It's what happens when your body's stress reflex gets messed up, and your brain overreacts. Even if there's no cause for the fear, you're still afraid. That's all that really matters.”
I stare down at our hands, working to wrap my head around that. I try a couple times, but can't come up with anything to say before the tea kettle starts to whistle and Fara rushes to pull it off the heat before it bothers everyone.
Bit by bit, I rub my fingertips together while she moves around the kitchen. Then a mug clinks down between my arms, and I look up again. Fara smiles softly and slides it closer, the sweet aroma of hot chocolate wafting up.
“...Thanks...” I mumble, taking it in my hands while she gets her own.
“Careful, it's really hot,” she warns me, and I nod. I can feel the heat right through the sides of the mug. We sit for a bit, slowly blowing on our drinks. After everything earlier, I actually don't feel that bad. Like she said, it was just my stupid brain overreacting to nothing. Just like I always am... No wonder why everyone hates me...
“Hey, nothing like that has ever happened before. Why now?” I ask, the words practically coming out on their own.
“You always dissociated before, didn't you? To avoid any stress. You haven't been doing that as much lately, have you?”
“I... but if it just causes panic attacks instead...” I thought it was better, being able to endure those feelings instead of snapping or giving in. But if this is the outcome, why did I try so hard...?
“Alex,” she calls my name to get me to look at her. “One way or the other, it's all just responses to too much stress. If you can just try to relax some, I think it'll do you a lot of good.”
“...How?” How do you relax?
“Just...” she searches for something, probably a way to explain it. “Keep calm, don't worry too much... basically, just try to be happy.”
“Happy...” I blow on my cocoa, then take a tentative sip and wince a tad. Still too hot. “What makes me happy?”
“Umm... Maybe, do things you like, or be with nice people. Anything that you enjoy, really.”
I nod slowly. I do have things I enjoy, right? Video games are nice, reading is nice. Sleeping... browsing the internet... being with Fara... No, I should stick with the first ones. I don't want to get in Fara's way and make her hate me any more than she already does...
Poke.
I flinch when Fara pokes me in the forehead. “What'cha thinkin' about?” she prods.
Stolen novel; please report.
“...Nothing,” I mumble.
She clicks her tongue. “That's your 'I'm worrying about things' face,” and rubs her finger in circles, right between my eyebrows to make her point. “Now spill it. What are you worried about?”
I fold. “I don't want to make you hate me more than you already do. I'm not sure how though. I was thinking if I avoid bothering you like this, but...” how would I even accomplish that? Me existing bothers her...
Strangely, Fara sighs deeply. “I don't hate you, Alex.” She's saying that, but- “I mean it!” she suddenly insists, finger jabbing in a little harder. “I swear on- I don't know. Whatever,” and waves her free hand. “I swear that I do not hate you. You hear me? I. Do. Not. Hate. You.” She repeats herself again.
“But...”
“But nothing. I love you. I do not hate you. I'll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me.”
“I don't understand...”
“What is there to understand?” she asks. “You're my brother. I care about you. I love you. Hating you doesn't make any sense. Why would I hate you?”
“Because... I don't know. I can't understand how you possibly couldn't. That's what doesn't make any sense.” No matter how I try, I can't wrap my head around the idea.
Fara not hating me just sounds like such a nonsensical thought, like... like if she suddenly told me she's actually a dozen porcupines in a trenchcoat. It literally makes no sense whatsoever.
“Well, I don't understand painting,” and throws a gesture over at the canvas Simini has sitting in one corner of the living room, “but that doesn't mean other people don't get it. What I'm saying is, even if you don't get it, I do. I understand not hating you, and that's it. Because I don't hate you.”
I still have no idea what to make of her words, so I just stare down into my cocoa for a while. Of course I have to believe her, she would never lie to me, would she? So it must be true. So there must be one single person who doesn't hate me, even though that doesn't make any sense.
“Does that mean... we can like, be together?” When she tilts her head, I wrack my brain, trying to explain. “Like... hang out? No, maybe that's too much, you wouldn't want to deal with me that much...” Even if she doesn't hate me, there's no reason she wouldn't hate dealing with me. “Could we be in the same place? Like, I can exist in front of you without ruining your day?”
Fara suddenly facepalms. “What do you think we're doing right now?” That gives me pause. We're together right now, aren't we? And she doesn't look like she hates being here... But what if she's hiding it?
“Well, I get that, but I don't want to impose or bother you or get in your way, or...”
Fara leans over the counter, smushing my cheeks between her hands to stop me from speaking. “Alex. Let me make this as clear as I can. You do not ruin my day simply by existing. I do not find anything wrong with you. Nothing. No matter how you think of yourself, I find you to be a perfectly fine human being. I don't hate you, I don't hate you being around, existing, I don't hate dealing with you, I don't hate that we know each other, that we're related, that...” she pauses, eyes searching the ceiling, “that we share parents... that you look like you do, act like you do, that we, uhh, breathe the same air...” at that point, she trails off, with an expression that says she ran out of things to say.
“What I'm trying to say,” she suddenly comes back without warning, “is that I do not have any problems with you. If there are things you worry about. Anything about how you think I think or how I feel toward you, I'll guarantee it's all fine. Please, if you ever worry about something like that, just tell me. Just say, 'Fara, do you hate...'” Again, her eyes roam as she searches for words, “I don't know, the way you walk, or the place you work or whatever. Just ask me. I'll promise you that it doesn't bother me. Do you understand?”
After her impromptu rant, all I can do is nod slowly. “Good.” She releases me so she can take a sip from her cocoa. I mimic her, letting the drink swish through my mouth, the warmth and sweetness helping calm my nerves.
----------------------------------------
“Hey, Fara?” I speak up quietly a few minutes later, when I'm about halfway through my mug.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.” If she's telling me that my worries are off-base, I'll have a lot less to worry about, right? Like she said, worrying less should help me be happy, and then maybe I won't have more panic attacks...?
When we finish our drinks, Fara rinses the mugs while I pull out my phone. It's already after midnight?! The cocoa didn't take that long. How long was that panic attack? I should check in on Mei-
Mei...
As soon as the thought enters my head, my heart sinks and I slump forward onto the bar counter.
I told them I'd be watching.
That I would keep an eye on things in Nirvalla so I could help them and Mei when I returned. Not only did I break my promise, I didn't think a single thought of it all day. Why did I say I'd do that? What if they believed me? Thought I would be there for them? Did they need me?
No, even if they did, I wouldn't have been able to do anything, I was at work.
But I didn't even try.
“Alex?” Fara asks as soon as she turns around and sees me again. “What is it?” With a groan, I explain how I promised Koru and Azra that I'd be keep an eye on them today. And now I feel awful because I forgot. But at the same time, now I'm depressed, and over what? Not watching a game stream? Isn't that ridiculous? What am I, four? What would people think if they knew I felt like this over something so stupid and pathetic?
Despite my thoughts, Fara just leans over the counter and rubs the top of my head. “Come on, Alex. You obviously can't watch a video stream in the middle of a panic attack. That's not your fault.”
“Well...” I huff out a defeated sigh. If my stupid brain wasn't so messed up, I wouldn't have had a panic attack. So it's still my fault... And that doesn't help with how stupid I am for being sad over it in the first place.
“Come on, it's probably fine,” she tries encouraging me, lifting my chin. “Why not check now?”
“Sure...” I grumble, tapping to open it up. I slide my phone onto the counter between us so we can both watch.
Thankfully, all they're doing is resting. Koru and Azra are out cold, while Mai keeps watch. They're dirty and she looks exhausted, but they're all alive and look to be doing alright. At least, as 'alright' as they were before. We watch for a bit, before I type out a message.
'
'
She gives a few exhausted nods of her head. “Yeah, that'd be nice.”
'
Fara responds with a guilty grin. “Yes and no. Traveling alone is more time consuming for Guardians because you have to log out for longer for your character's stamina to refresh, since there's no way to safely sleep in-game.”
“Oh,” I realize with a small breath out. So they have the same sort of problem we've had, but since they can mitigate it by literally vanishing, the tradeoff is taking longer to rest...
“You guys have hardly made any progress in the woods though, so I'm pretty close now, but once I hit that fog, I'll have the same problem. I haven't really come up with a solution to that yet...” she scratches her cheek with a finger.
“I tried climbing above the fog to get my bearings and dropping a rock in the right direction,” I suggest. “If you use the sun and mountains to navigate, that should work.”
“Sure, I'll give it a shot,” she agrees easily enough as we both stand up again. “Go on, Mai looked really tired.” I nod, then turn to go. But I stop after a couple steps and look back.
“Hey, Fara? Thanks again for tonight. For what you said. It helps – a lot more than you think.” Just having that thought in my head, that no matter how much I think Fara hates me, she actually doesn't. It fills me with a kind of calm that I can hardly even believe. The closest thing to peace I've felt, well, for as far back as I can remember, though that isn't saying much.
For her part, Fara just offers that same, wonderfully understanding smile. “You're welcome.”
With that, I begin to head toward Fara's room, before she reminds me to get ready for bed. Brushing my teeth and all that, because taking care of myself is important. I do as she says, and make it into her room a few minutes later, to lie down on the floor, my alarm set for work tomorrow. Then I slip on the little phone holder and get my phone settled, the game starting up, and close my eyes to sleep.