Getting your face flushed in the dirty Central High’s toilets is not an “A+” high school debut. My buddy, Timothy, swears facial flushing is the worst way to go. After witnessing it myself, I don’t disagree. It was the beginning of our sophomore year, and the “Craig torture time” had begun.
“Poopnose” and “Pukesmear” (eloquently named by Craig) were still laying on the floor defeated. Craig paced around the stalls with a swagger similar to a comically terrible super-villain. Menacing as he was, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for the newly tormented freshmen. They didn’t deserve this. Unfortunately they forgot one thing. No one messes with Craig. That’s rule number one.
“Guys, I think Poopnose needs a lesson in hygiene.” Craig chuckled. He wasn’t becoming a comedian anytime soon, but he didn’t need to be at six foot five. He had girls and a promising basketball career. I didn’t have the height or the girls, but things could be worse. In fact, I might have been on the chopping block if I hadn’t grown up with Craig as a neighbor. We parted ways in middle school and I hadn’t seen him since. Apparently, he’d changed. According to the rumor mill, his father had left him, and puberty had hit him. A wombo combo in developing meanness.
“Ahah aaaah no please no-n-n-no more. Bllgh blllgggh blllllgggghh. Aaaah ah stop it. Stop it! Bllgh blllgggh…”
I could never get used to the bullying. It made my paranoia and guilt flare up. Someone was bound to call the cops at some point. Sticking with Craig was a ticking timebomb, but if I left, I’d be one of the victims. Craig demanded loyalty in his posse. I mean “Pukesmear” used to eat with us, but then he talked to the wrong girl. It was madness.
There was no reason to dwell on it now. I still had homework to work on, and a life to live. Perhaps I could stop by Dairy Queen after school. They had a newly flavored Blizzard, and I loved chocolatey ice cream. I wondered if Timothy would be down. I knew Carlos would be down. I’ll text them later and finish my homework before I go. It’d be a nice way to unstress and forget about everything.
I heard we’d get hail on the weekend which is shocking because it’s still August. The last time it hailed my mom’s car dented pretty badly, but school was canceled for the day. In my mind, it was a good trade. My mom didn’t, but I guess we have different priorities. Anyways, I played that new game. It was one of those auto chess games. You moved little heroes around a hexagonal board. It was fun. I played twelve hours straight. Carlos said those are rookie numbers, but I thought it was an achievement.
Speaking of games, my older brother was pretty good at them. He was one of the best when it came to chess. Coming second in a national tournament was a big deal, and they celebrated for days. My parents thought it was great. I didn’t. It was one more thing they hung over me since Jim also had perfect grades and was involved in student government.
I just couldn’t get a break from my parents, but what could you do when your parents were a bunch of perfectionists. Dad started a tech company and Mom graduated from M.I.T. They expected the same level of achievement, and I wasn’t going to deliver it. I did get As in english and history but physics? My C- wasn’t going to lead to fun times when Dad found out.
Our test was next Thursday. The teacher, Mrs. Bern, was a stickler who enjoyed pop quizzes. So much so, we had a pop quiz every class. Oh a quiz? What a surprise since the last five days of class were quiz filled. I worried there’d be no break in the coming months.
I really just wanted to go home, but here I was waiting for Craig to finish his violent tendencies. Craig had taken it overboard. “Poopnose” had feces on his clothes, and had tears running down his face. The other one’s face was bleeding pretty badly. Did bullies like this really exist? I was going to hell no doubt about that. Possibly prison time too. Maybe I could sneak out unnoticed?
I edged out towards the bathroom door. Craig and his cronies were still focused on being bullies. I slowly reached for the handle being careful not to make any untimely noise. No creaking. That’s a good door. I pulled on the door until I had about a foot's length open. I bent my knees tiptoeing once and then once again.
Woo, I was out. But getting out wasn’t enough. Boom. That was the door. Uh oh. I turned around. The door had swung wide open, and Craig loomed over me. “Where are you going Kevin?” Craig sneered.
“Me? Just needed some fresh air.”
“Oh”
“Oh”
A few moments of silence passed. Way to make it awkward dumbass. “I heard they have this new deal at Dairy Queen. Want to go uh after this?” I invited him. It was the only thing I could think of in the moment.
“Yeah I’d like that squirt. It’s sweet of you to buy me ice cream.”
At the very least, he wasn’t going to grind me into the cement. We walked out leaving the freshmen behind. Hopefully they’d stay quiet. I was probably boned either way. I dialed up Carlos and Tim letting them know to meet me at DQ.
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Thirty minutes later I had arrived ready to eat ice cream. “Thanks Mom” I yelled getting out the family Chevrolet suburban. The Dairy Queen was rather empty with only a few people eating or waiting for food. It was a Monday after all. A few minutes later Carlos and Timothy showed up. “Yo, what’s up Kevin.”
“Not much Carlos. I’m about to sugar up and power up.”
“More like get fat” Tim chimed in. We waited a few minutes for Craig to show up. He arrived girlfriend in hand. I waved at him. He waved back. His girlfriend didn’t. Maybe she took after Craig. I ordered a super chocolatey blizzard. I had hummed and hawed over trying something new, but I loved chocolate too much. Good things came in Cacao. Dairy and sugar were just bonuses. I was going to have a good time Craig or not. Although, I’m confident that’s not how the idiom goes, and idioms aren’t always true. At least in this case it wasn’t.
I looked over to find Craig banging his fists on a table screaming at a short man. He was dwarfism short. His greyed hair was messy and his face bearded. He was yelling in a strong Irish accent. I didn’t know why a foreigner would want to visit a smallish town in Connecticut. Why was Craig yelling at the midget? This was going to turn into a mess too.
I dug into my ice cream while thinking about how I was going to calm Craig down. He was really getting worked up. The others were already sat down watching the spectacle. Bullying was one thing but assaulting someone in public almost guaranteed Craig going to prison. The argument escalated when Craig grabbed the man lifting him into the air. Voosh. Craig threw the guy at the window so hard it broke through the glass. Surprisingly the little guy pulled himself up unharmed. With all that broken glass around, I had expected the man to be bleeding all over.
The Irish man grumbled under his breath. He looked mad. I figured I’d be pretty mad at being thrown through a window. Zipping across the building, he started beating away at Craig. Whack. Whack. Craig was taking a beating. Occasionally Craig was able to throw a hook or two. They were really going at it. There were no fancy moves, no dodging, and no Hollywood movie choreography. It was punched and get punched. I had always figured height was pretty important in a fight. You know more reach or whatever, but they seemed reasonably even. Not that I was some fighting expert however. As the fight continued, they sped up until each one’s punches were blurs. The force punched holes in tables, walls, and floors.
My day only got weirder when Craig suddenly transformed. People don’t transform. At least I didn’t think people transformed. You could never really be certain. Maybe I just wasn’t as self-aware as I thought I was. I used to have nightmares about finding out I was deluded or in some way special. The kind of special where you were born with some genetic disorder. Not the superpower kind. I’d like the superpower kind. Man. Craig’s got everything. Girls, Height, and now superpowers. At this point, you might think shorty short was about to receive the hurt. Others might believe in the little hero’s plot armor. Either way you were wrong. Because a newcomer arrived.
Did I mention the newcomer was a sexy angel? The newcomer was a sexy angel with white wings and a freaking halo. Hot Damn. She had flowing blonde hair. Her eyes shimmered a pleasant sky blue, and she was wearing quite the outfit. I guess angels weren’t prudes, but I am getting ahead of myself.
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
I got distracted, I guess. What? You try not staring at a sexy flying angel. Anyway, you’re probably wondering what Craig turned into. It was some sort of werewolf or Chupacabra deal. Big fangs, big claws, and big red glowing eyes. Nasty stuff. Craig really didn’t matter anymore because Craig was missing a head.
Mrs. Angel lady hadn’t flown in unarmed. She carried a large scythe. It was grey in color and seemed sharp. With one swing Craig was in prime mantelpiece shape. I had never seen someone decapitated before. It was a new experience. Writers and filmmakers often make witnessing murders as a very traumatic experience. A real moral dilemma. It sort of just happened. Sorry, Craig?
I looked around. Both Carlos and Timothy looked as dumbfounded as I was. I think Craig’s girlfriend was having a panic attack, and the two Dairy Queen employees were staring from behind the counter.
“Hey, uh what’s popping, and uh how is God doing?” Not my most eloquent moment. At least I hadn’t said some dumb “Have I died and gone to Heaven?” pickup line.
“Oh, are we dead? Are we going to the afterlife?” Timothy added. You could never really be too sure.
“Welp. Guess we have bystanders Aivocindo. Can’t have the wildlife knowing we are here. Protocol 43.” She then pointed towards the dwarf. Aivocindo walked up to us, and he said sorry while cracking his knuckles. I really wasn’t looking forward to getting murdered by the whimsical creature. Luckily Carlos could resist getting murdered first. “I’ve never met a leprechaun before. Are all leprechauns named after green things Mr. Avocado?” Boom. The leprechaun hit him, and Carlos flew across the room like a ragdoll. The angel was busy laughing much to Aivocindo’s displeasure. Frankly, I didn’t find it funny. Well, not that funny.
“Here is the immigration paper work. It may be long, but we have to get it done before you can immigrate from earth. We can’t have you stay here because you witnessed us fight off a wereasite.” Aivocindo handed each of us witnesses a twenty-page stack of paper. They picked Carlos off the floor, and the angel healed the goofy dumbass. I looked over to Timothy backing away from the looming document. He had never been fond of paperwork. I should probably confirm that they mean no harm.
“You’re not going to end us? Mr. Aivocindo and uh “
“Just call me Sammie”
“Sammie.”
“No. no one’s going to kill you. Legally speaking we can’t since Earth is a Sanctuary.”
“I uh neat? Yeah, that’s pretty neat. What if we want to stay living on Earth?”
“We’d have to take you to with us and then kill you, so really your only real option is to legally immigrate to Praedum. Don’t worry its plenty similar to Earth.” So that was the loophole.
She continued, “If you do come with us, we’ll treat you well. We don’t usually get to bring outsiders with us into the Pteili Enclave. New talent is always welcome, but you are free to do as you please once we return to Praedum. We aren’t bandits after all. I think you humans would call us a guild.”
“Can I take some time to gather my things?” Who knows what might be valuable in a different world?
“I’ll give you twelve hours. That goes for everyone, but I’ll have to kill if you reveal anything. Pteili rules and yada yada.”
I filled the paper as my friends, Craig’s girlfriend, and the Dairy Queen employees asked their questions. Only Craig’s girlfriend seemed terribly stricken. Makes sense since her boyfriend died and she probably had a good thing going on here. On earth that is. That would be weird if she had a good thing going on at Dairy Queen. I’ll add that to the growing list of conspiracies to keep track of.
I couldn’t help but think of what to bring. Well obviously, I was going to bring my phone and laptop. How was I going charge them though? I mean there might be options in Praedum, but maybe not. I couldn’t buy much either. I didn’t work a job and had spent most of my money on games and books. How much do solar powered chargers cost? Walmart’s probably my best bet. Clothes? Check. My pocket knife? Check. Toiletries? Check.
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By the time had arrived, I was lugging three suitcases of clothes and essentials. I did however rob my brother of his bb gun and hatchet. In my defense, it was already practically mine and he wasn’t the one galivanting into another world. Guess you lose in the end, Jim. Hahaha. Still sucks that I won’t be able to see my family again. Although, I plan on coming back once I have the means. It shouldn’t be that hard if an angel and leprechaun were chilling in a DQ. If they had shown up at a fancy eleven course meal, I’d suspect it wasn’t within my means.
The others were all packed up with whatever they could manage. I saw sleeping bags, candy, and all sorts of goods. I already knew what Carlos would pack other than a few pairs of clothes. I walked over to unzip one of his bags. With a quick hand Carlos tried to catch my arm, but I was too quick. His grey duffel bag held as much sour candy as Carlos could pack. Warheads, skittles, and sour patch kids were only a few of the brands I saw. I called Timothy over to look. He only tsk-tsked in disappointment, while I was busy laughing. I wouldn’t be surprised however if his sour candy was worth a lot. Unfortunately, I knew Carlos. He wouldn’t sell any of his precious candy. I think he would rather lose an arm than give up his ability to eat sour candies.
Aivocindo called us all over. “I don’t like big explanations so read these.” He tossed each of us a pamphlet. It read a lot like a travel voucher for Praedum. Whoa. Apparently, there were monsters and all sorts of crazy species. One of the pictures showed a man with a fly’s head.
“Look at this.” Carlos said showing me a pair of magical trousers, “They apparently remove a person’s need to poop.”
“Carlos, I don’t care about such a dumb magical item. You should check out the set of dentures on page four. They give you perfect pitch.”
“They do, but I recall having a full set of teeth. How would I use them anyway?”
“With all that candy your eating you won’t have many teeth for long. Think about how good you’d become as a perfect pitching musician.”
“First, I have perfectly healthy teeth. It’s called brushing them twice a day, and do you really think the ability to distinguish A major and E minor is more important than no diarrhea?”
“Fine. You win” I turned over to Timothy who was engrossed in the brochure. He was reading about dungeons and how adventuring worked. “What’s up with that”, I said. He looked up and replied,” loot.” Not a very helpful reply Tim. I flipped my brochure to the adventuring portion.
Guilds allowed members to share maps, and information on monsters. Adventurers adventured. They would kill stuff and explore the numerous ruins of Praedum. The monsters you killed determined your rank in the guilds, and each guild had their own standards. You could also opt to adventure solo or join some country’s army. The ruins and monsters held valuable items and rare materials. There were even some instances of people being granted wishes if they delved deep enough.
“Time’s up” Aivocindo called after fifteen minutes. He walked over with a bag of crystals handed everyone one. “These are analytic crystals. They are vital in determining one’s abilities, attributes, and kills. All you have to do to activate it is by rubbing a little bit of spit on the crystal. Give it a go.”
Name: Kevin Lamprey Guild: N/A Race: Human Rank: N/A Stats: Str: 8 Con: 10 Dex: 6 Int: 9 Items: Kills:
“As Praedum can be a dangerous place, our guild is giving each of you a random item from our vault. Please take turns rolling for loot. You can either roll for a random, an offensive item, or a defensive item. Please use your analytic crystal interface.
Roll for loot? random offensive defensive
“I would like random please”, I yelled. I knew I shouldn’t have gambled but couldn't resist the lure of getting something obscure. I still secretly wanted those dentures. I would then be able to travel as a bard picking up all sorts of fans. If I got poopy pants however, I would be miffed. I still didn’t agree with Tim on that front.
Congratulations! You've aquired [nervous soapy golem]! "A small stone golem which excretes soapy water. This golem is naturally nervous"
Name: Kevin Lamprey Guild: N/A Race: Human Rank: N/A Stats: Str: 8 Con: 10 Dex: 6 Int: 9 Items: [nervous soapy golem] Kills:
'This is so cool', I thought looking upon my new item. The golem was small about a foot's length in height. He had stubby arms made out of smoothly polished marble and wobbled a little when he walked. Once he caught sight of the other people he hid behind my leg. I picked him up and walked over to my friends. Tim had a big spear in his hands. When he swung the weapon it would yell “swing” in a loud voice. Carlos had a book in his hands and was reading from it. According to Carlos, it would raise his intelligence as he solved the riddles in the book. And with the introduction out of the way, we carried our luggage into the summoning circle. Sammie the angel said the magic keywords. Right as the circle lit up, I could help but feel giddy. It was time to venture into the unknown.