It’s been a month since I woke up.
I’ve been stuck in a plain white room, waiting for each day to end along with other patients.They patiently wait. Some stare at the floor and walls, boringly waiting for change. Others stare at the doors, as if hoping for something or someone to come. Few look at the screen displays around the room, smiling eerily, laughing to themselves. A part of me thinks they aren’t truly looking at the screens.
I am still here feeling my surroundings overwhelm me and I don’t know which feelings are my own. Being stuck in this large white room for what feels to be forever is nothing less than dreadful. Every day I wake up just to come here and waste time, to look at the screens in front of me, before going back to ‘my’ room to waste even more of my life. I’ve grown tired of this routine, there is nothing to do, but slowly I’ve come to understand what is happening or at least starting to comprehend why they happen, yet it still doesn’t help the pain in my chest go away, I can only wonder why.
On the TV, a woman with a serious tone gives information of events I could only assume were recent. There on the screen, the light from the pixels shine like starlight, absorbed by my eyes. Right there on the screen, the word ‘space’ keeps my eyes glued to its every letter each time it appears. Displayed on the screen, are a dozen or so bird-like flying machines. They spread their metal wings wide open, gliding around in the darkness, their bodies slowly fading in their path towards the daunting star-filled void. On the screen! I saw the figures of countless large comets bathed with shiny metals. They went on about their business, innocently dancing around like ballerinas unaware they would soon be victims. But my thoughts elsewhere, not on the metal birds. Somewhere not on the ballerinas. Anywhere but on the blabbering news reporter.
My vision can only focus on the darkness of space, my heart starts skipping beats, and I can only feel my chest ache. Even now, I don’t know for certain that this pain is my own, yet this time I don’t want this feeling to go. I am woken up by one of the many doors opening. However my gaze is fixed on the screen. My heartache slowly disappears, again leaving me alone with nothing that is my own. Only tears come out and I find myself not daring to look up to the screen anymore. My gaze now on the floor’s clean white tiles, someone’s coming, I know it could not be anyone else. She gets close before I notice with my wet blurry eyes, a figure behind her. This time she hasn’t come alone.
***** [Nurse Karlin of anchorage General Hospital]*****
“He has been here for the last month and the progress has been limited to what we can do here. He has grown accustomed to this place and knows how to take care of himself. His daily routine consists of waking up, making his bed, using the restroom, getting breakfast, time in the entertainment area until dawn, and showers before going to his room for rest.” I report all this to Dr.Park as we both walk down the long corridors, his pace matching mine.
He was pleased to know that this was going easier than expected, I was surprised too. For a young man such as Han to recover from losing 10 years of his life was a miracle, no forms of disabilities had shown, yet it was no easy tragedy to take in but he still held himself together somewhat, much better than other similar cases. Things seem to be going too well, something that is not usually expected, but welcomed.
“What do you think our next steps should be?” I asked to keep my nerves to myself, there was no right answer, rare cases like this were one in a million, 10 million even, there were only hypotheses for what could be done.
“Summer is around the corner,” said Dr.Park stopping for a second as we walked down the corridors looking out the window at the clearing snow, “don’t you think it would be nice to go out Karlin?” Dr.park asks.
Was he inviting me somewhere? I sigh and clarify myself to him, “Sorry I should have clarified, what should our next steps be to help Han?”, I responded calmly.
Dr.Park laughs and responds smoothly with no panic. “You obviously misunderstood me.” We continued walking, “If you were in his shoes, wouldn’t you wanna see the outside? In every similar case that’s how it worked,” Dr.Park looked at the ceiling as we continued walking, yet he wasn’t looking at the wall, its as if he was looking at something far beyond, “However, Hanniel has no urgent need to know about his surroundings, isn’t that a little weird? Usually patients who wake up many years later find it hard to cope and start running through those doors.”
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What he says makes sense, so far Hanniel has only stayed in the hospital. In this case I could relate with Han, but for different circumstances, in these times of most economic unrest, few people still chose to spend time outside.
“Are you suggesting we bring him out into the city?” We both stop in front of the door, this was a bold idea, but probably the best one, after all he has been here for almost a month. Progress seems to be at a standstill, and we do not run charity work.
I open the doors like usual and walk in to see the many patients around the room going about their business. In the back of the room sits Hanniel, crying to himself yet again. I look at the clock and it is around the time that this would happen, this cycle has been going on every day since then. I am no longer surprised, but I would lie if I said I wasn’t worried, maybe what Dr.Park said earlier makes sense.
Slowly I approach Hanniel, the annoying sound of static coming from the TV gets louder from each step I take. I did not know the TVs in the hospital needed replacement until now, but I suppose the equipment was starting to get old. Hanniel’s gaze is chained to the floor, as if a part of him is afraid of looking at the TV’s screen, my chest tightens from seeing the boy in such a pathetic state, I turn off the screen, and the static sound dies.
—————————————————————————————————-
Hanniel sits on the wheelchair in front of Nurse Karlin and Dr.Park, staring at the floor like a hollow husk, an expression of pitiful hopelessness. Witnessing this, Dr.Park came to the realization that Han’s psyche was much worse than he had initially thought, the new modern trend of people deciding to move on to their next life was not uncommon and Dr.Park had been a witness to it far too many times, each time not any easier than the last, and seeing Hanniel like this reminded him of them, and of his brother.
Dr.Park got on one knee to meet Hanniel’s gaze, and once they locked eyes a small crack appeared within the doctor’s long lived facade, revealing a glimpse of his true self, a caring person who had the title of an ‘older brother’ ripped away long ago. Weight settles within Dr.Park’s chest making it harder to breathe each second he keeps his eyes locked with Hanniel’s. His deep black eyes were the exact same as his younger brother, and for the first time in 6 long lived years a needle of pain reached his heart.
Karlin quickly noticed the sudden change in Dr.Park’s expression, he kept staring into Hanniel’s eyes, hypnotized by them. She grabbed onto the Doctor’s shoulder, waking him up, but it was too late. Dr.Park had begun to remember, he was starting to remember the last time he saw such a miserable pair of eyes. He remembered that person which he saw slowly change over a decade, and so he remembered the question he often asked himself, ‘could I have saved him?’. Dr.Park tries to clear his throat but there is something stuck, he is now realizing his eyes have begun to get itchy, his vision starts to blur, and he scratches his eyes carrying the tears away. Dr.Park tries to piece together the mask of his usual composed charade by covering his face breaking eye contact with Han, yet he still can’t stop his wet hands from shaking. The memories of the doctor’s dead brother had begun to resurface, and the answer to the question he often asked himself is the same, ‘of course I could’ve saved him’.
Dr.Park tells Karlin to take Hanniel away to his room, and before she leaves he informs her that he will be more aggressive in his future plans to help Han get better. Information on Han was scarce but just today he was able to find information on him, which essentially said there was no information about him. Rarely were there cases in which a patient had no family members, and even more rarely were there patients who were in a coma for 10 years, and now there was no information about his background? Lady luck must have a personal vendetta against Han considering that the meeting today was meant to finally set things straight with Hanniel and to begin talks about how to best approach the idea of finding housing outside the hospital, to test his intellect and see what kind of job fits him best, and to plan therapy sessions. Dr.Park had a stack of papers that needed to be filled and was going to fill every last one in today’s meeting. But this plan was all thrown out the window. How could he possibly tell him that Hanniel has no family members? How would I explain that there are no records of him at all? How was it possible to look him straight into his face and tell him to get ready to leave? I could barely even make eye contact with him.
Just as he started to relax he began to walk down the white halls, wondering how he was going to solve this problem he had made himself. He is planning on getting Hanniel out of those doors as soon as he can, and he had made up his mind that if he has to go, then he will go with him. Suddenly he stops in the middle of his pondering, a call came in, but it wasn’t from anyone he is expecting, instead it was one of his very few senior doctors calling him, for him to call unexpectedly, it could not just be to exchange greetings and plan for dinner, he answers and starts to exchange a few words, his face contorts inwards at each passing exchange, and soon after the call finishes he dashes out the doors and ran towards the emergency patients facility, as he runs down the halls, he began to yell to all the nurses to gather, and to call any doctors or nurses that were off shifts, because a tragedy had occurred, and he would not be able to handle it himself, nor could the entire hospital, and all he could do was help as much as he could, and he thought about praying for the first time since then.