Kaid shifted uncomfortably on the hard ground, pulling the blankets back across his bare shoulders. He hadn't expected the desert to be so cold when the sun disappeared, so he felt ill prepared laying in his makeshift bed. His mind drifted to just twenty-four hours prior, remembering how the waves rocked their little skiff. Jessamine took him sailing, one last reprieve before their journey to Uhkhtar. The sunset had been beautiful, a canvas array of orange, purple, and tints of yellow. It was only magnified with how the light reflected across the black ocean water, waves that were relatively calm at that time of the day.
Jessamine let him steer at the helm on their way over, getting behind him and guiding his every movement. He certainly preferred the helm rather than constantly adjusting rigging or sailing. When Jessamine did it, he liked seeing the way her arms tensed, or the way her jaw clenched when fighting the friction of rope. It was nice to have that moment with her, knowing their futures could change drastically with this meeting. Sailing with her was a newfound joy, and the best part was seeing how happy it made her.
Was this really a chance for peace? Or was it merely a con to lure them out here? Jessamine and Kaid arrived on the peaks of the forest and mountains just this afternoon with nearly thirty guards. Kiev, Kassandra, Payne, Bridger, and Cadize were all here as support. All persons involved in Jessamine's affairs were now in the same group, in a vulnerable, barren country, one everyone was unfamiliar with. It didn't feel too unfamiliar to Kaid, almost as if he's been there before. The way the sun hit the back of his neck, or the smell of the hot sand (an aroma nobody else really claimed to smell), or just the sound of the gentle wind.
Still, he was freezing his ass off laying here.
"Kaid?" Jessamine whispered gently into the darkness. They had set up their place in a small cavern, mostly to get out of the way of the sun. But when the sun sank across the sand, the insides of their little makeshift bedroom were pitch black. Kaid couldn't even see his own hand in front of him.
"Yes, Empress?" he whispered back, hearing a slight scoff at the reply.
"I can't sleep," she admitted. Kaid knew there were probably numerous reasons she couldn't sleep, stress being the highest on that list. It probably was also this stone, flat ground they slept on, although her bed looked much more comfortable and filled with enough blankets to keep her off the floor.
Kaid could hear her ruffling the blankets around gently, as if inviting him over by the sounds alone.
"The guards made this wonderful makeshift bed, I shouldn't let it go to waste," he teased. By now, given the circumstances, their relationship was no longer a surprise amongst anyone. When Jessamine had returned from Arilla, she was constantly by Kaid's side, even if she wasn't in need of his presence. He'd join her when playing piano, and she would join him into the city to visit the orphans, all under disguise of course. Most of the palace knew, as if it were now common knowledge, but nobody dared to mention it outloud.
Sebastian had found out, mostly because he may have caught them unaware with what they thought was a private kiss by the sea walls. Sebastian had questioned Kaid's judgment at first, not happy he was fooled: that the woman with him all along was the Empress, but he had to admit he was impressed by his mentor. Probably no man could resist such a temptation. However, Sebastian knew that so much had changed with the empire and city alone with Kaid's arrival. If he made the Empress happy, which resulted in better changes for the commoners, then Sebastian felt maybe it was Kaid the more irresistible of the two.
One could certainly live without the other, and most if not all people assumed that person was Jessamine.
"Lord Protector, please get your ass in here," she demanded, a hint of tease in her tone. Kaid knew very well she was demanding, but still gave him the choice to sleep alone if he so wished. Jessamine knew Kaid, though, and very well at that. Kaid wasn't very fond of sleeping alone. He loved laying beside her, having her act like some angelic guardian while he slept. The nightmares weren't so bad with her around.
Kaid got up, leaving his blankets on the floor as he made his way over step by step towards her own bed. Despite the darkness, he could swear her smile burned into his skin upon hearing him shift around. He felt the opening of the blankets, gently rolling inside to feel her hot skin press against his. Her fingers immediately crawled across his bare chest, entire torso moving close so her lips could brush against his cheek. His own hand moved over, tracing her body in the darkness.
Kaid almost liked the fact he couldn't really see her amidst the black, that he had to let his fingers do most of the seeing, that his ears had to hear the emotion in her voice rather than see it across her eyes. His fingers danced gently across her neck before dipping down just above her clavicle, finding the divot of her bones. He gently traced the sensitive skin, hearing her release a lovely sigh in response, knowing she couldn't completely express how it sent chills down her spine.
He always touched her as if she were fragile, and it wasn't done out of concern or belief she was broken. It was because he knew everyone else in her life hadn't treated her as gently. They tossed and jostled her around to the point she believed that's all she ever would be, like a toy the boys would use and use until they finally got tired of it. She always touched him as if her fingers were incredulous that he was real, that he wasn't a figment of her imagination. Her fingers tangled into the hairs on his bodice tightly, mending the fibers between them, not letting go in fear he'd slip away.
"You don't have to do this, you know," she whispered, breaking the silence between them.
"Do what?" he asked for clarification.
"Come with me tomorrow, face your own father...you don't need to ever look that man in the eye if you don't want to," she answered, her breath warm against the side of his neck.
"I'm not going to let you walk into the most dangerous room of your life and not be in there with you. It'd be equivalent to let you walk straight into hell, and there's no way I would let you walk into such a place alone," he insisted, "I don't care about my father. Let him stare me in the eyes, let him know how much I've had to carry myself all on my own. To me, he is nothing more than Emperor of Lungor. And only you can decide if he will be an ally, or an enemy. My allegiance is to you, and you alone."
Jessamine knew he was lying when he said he didn't care. Kaid was lying to himself too. Orphans often went through the mindset and belief they'd never have to come face to face with those that abandoned them. They prepared themselves for the worst, the belief they were simply dead. It was a cover for the pain, a bandage to the gaping wound that time couldn't heal. Kaid had come to terms with his life, but the wound itself was still very raw, and Jessamine hated being the one to inflict such pain.
"You're the most courageous person I know, Kaid," she hummed, "and perhaps also foolish to try and walk into hell, a place you surely don't belong."
"You don't either," he replied, feeling her eyes on him in the dark.
"Kaid, what if I fuck this up?" she asked, the worryness more apparent in her voice, "Going in there is just bringing a bunch of graphite into the same room. All it could take is a spark to ignite us, destroy each other."
"What is the worst possible outcome that can occur from this?"
"War. That any sort of compromise I offer will be laughed at. I'm tired of it all, Kaid..."
"Jess, why did you say yes to this meeting?" he asked, hoping that would redirect her to her initial decision.
"Because it felt right. As stupid as that sounds, I've never faced a decision where the answer seemed so clear, yet so far away. If there was a chance at peace, despite everything, I want to take it. When I fell in love with you, I fell in love with myself, with the person you saw me as. I fell in love with the idea of love, with the notion that other people could feel this way too. All the things I was told was weakness: surrendering and sacrificing...those are all the things I've learned from you. Violence, terror...it's a demise of character, it tears the soul. And if the only reason towards it is revenge, I do not want it. I owe my father nothing. I owe my people everything. If a person could love a soul as wretched as mine, then maybe there's a chance for this wicked world to feel the same affection."
"You are not wretched, Jessamine. You have done everything you could to survive," he insisted.
"What do you think the history books will say, Kaid? About me? Every decision I've made I've done for myself, to try and hold and keep things together. But I am sick of never knowing the consequences of my decisions. My father wanted to show this region his amount of force, I don't think he expected the flood to kill thousands. Your mother went to Lungor for assistance, and left blessed by your creation. If this meeting fails, who gets the blame? If it succeeds, who gets the victory: Lungor, who outstretched their hand first? Or Vitross, who's faced assassination after assassination by those very same hands?"
"Maybe this is a victory for both. Regardless of the result, not many would have chosen to attempt to shake hands with them. Your intent-"
"History books aren't meant to write stories of intention. Nobody is remembered for good intent and bad consequences, they're only remembered for the latter," she interrupted gently.
"Is that what you want, to be remembered?" he asked.
"I just want to be seen, seen as me. And the only person who's seen and known that is you. I want to be seen. I want to be seen as a human who's been tasked with an almost impossible mission, who could have walked away from it all but didn't. You don't know what it was like, what it's been like, to sit on that throne, make decisions nobody else can. Nobody can advise you because it's never been done before, but everyone will judge you regardless of the result. There's only one thing I want in that meeting, and that is to be taken seriously, to be seen as I am. Do you know how many times I've put on a dress, met with ambassadors, councilmen, hell even merchants, and the first thing they think of is my body? To them, all I am is just a pretty painted portrait hung up on the wall, and it's Payne and everyone else who's been making the decisions.
"If I sit in silence, I'm not assertive enough and not worthy of the throne. Too assertive, and I'm a bitch who only wants her way. If I outsmart a man, I'm seen deceiving him and setting him up to fail. But if I let a man have his way, I'm a doormat for him to scrape his boots on. I make a mistake, I'm too young and naive to know what I'm doing. If I do something to perfection, then it wasn't me making the judgment call. You, Kaid, of all people, was the first one to take me seriously, to see me as I was. You saw my decisions, my outcomes, my failures...but no success to follow it."
Kaid listened in silence, his fingers still stroking her skin as she ranted. He'd never know how that felt, how the pretending mixed with reality. That she'd never get the chance to be herself because the world would mock her for it. Every action, every word of hers would be criticized by someone. To grow up in such an environment, she never got to be her true self. Hell, she probably didn't know her true self.
"Who increased trade by nearly two hundred percent this past season?" Kaid asked, feeling Jessamine stir in slight surprise.
"I...me, I guess," she shook her head, "but that was a joint effort-"
"Who took those profits and gave it back to the city, creating more infrastructure, funding schools, introducing apprenticeships into new trades for people to access? Who built a library in the poorest district and filled it with hundreds of books? Who decreased the months in a season a merchant could hunt whales, resulting in a higher population for the next hunting season?" Kaid asked, feeling her remain silent, "Who changed my view every morning from white ceilings to stars in the skies? Who gave me something to fight for? Who highlighted the best parts of me, parts that were mocked as weakness in a place where strength was needed to survive? Who gave me a chance when nobody else would?"
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Jessamine remained silent for a moment, taking a deep breath, swallowing her shame away. She couldn't believe he was in her life, that it came together so easily as if he belonged there by her side all along. She once thought it impossible that just one person alone could be a difference maker, that she was beyond saving and this man proved her wrong every time.
"Kaid Al-Yami, you're a very easy man to love. You occupy my dreams, my thoughts, my entire heart," she replied, her throat taught but it was just as tight as the smile on her lips, "the world feels so much more beautiful because you're in it."
"You know your cornerstone, Jessamine. That's the only belief you need to remember for tomorrow. Whatever decisions you make, I support you. You'll be written in history books, I'll make sure of that, even if I have to write the damn books myself," he whispered, feeling her laugh as she leaned close to kiss his lips.
"I thought history should be as unbiased as possible," she mumbled against his leather sturdy lips, Kaid feeling the slight residue of soft wet tears against her cheek.
"They're supposed to, but never are. I'll write your history and who cares if my love is shown in those words. There is nothing more beautiful than composing a story of my muse, to write for the person who encouraged me to love reading," he smiled in return.
Her legs moved to straddle him, but immediately moved to pull him against her, having her lay back as his body pressed firmly against her own. Her fingers traced his jaw and beard, knowing every moment he smiled or clenched his jaw at her touch. They kissed and kissed, bodies tangled in the warm embrace of each other. The best kind of love was a mirror, a reflection of oneself. It was a mirror that inspired one to be better, to self reflect and improve. Jessamine looked at Kaid and knew the best of the world was inside him, that she had been at war with herself and immediately surrendered her heart to him.
"I see you, Empress Jessamine Kruzicka," he whispered against her lips, trailing lower to kiss her neck. Her fingers moved and glided across his backside, feeling the back muscles indent his own skin, the rigidness of his spine. The other hand moved to his waistband, pushing it down over the curve of his ass before moving between them. She felt his instant jolt of tension as she grasped him, the way his kisses paused with the onslaught on her neck.
She didn't need the throne. She didn't need the appeal, the amorous outpouring love of her people, nor the success that could come with it. She only needed him. She would throw away everything else, all the riches, the potential, the power that came with her title for him. She wanted nothing more than to escape this life with him, find a shack by the sea filled with more books than furniture, and live a life with him even if it lacked riches. She aligned him to her entrance, feeling him push in gently, thrusting his hips forward. Her fingers clung to him tightly, letting them claw at his hair as she gasped gently at the sensation. All she wanted to do was clench around him, never let him go.
"Kaid...would you run away with me?" she asked, biting her lip back as she sensed an incoming moan as he thrusted deeper, "It all goes to hell, would you run away with me? Walk a different path, even if it means letting everything go?"
Kaid's mind immediately went to Persephone's words, the words she had spoken outside her father's office during a very important meeting. The results of that meeting led to this one, almost like a chain reaction. Persephone had told him that if Kaid asked to run away, to escape her past, his own past, and create a new future...she'd say no. She didn't know it would be him who would say it in return, because she was the one who asked.
Caladin. Once Caladin was burned down, then he'd have nothing else to remain here for other than her. He couldn't let that go, no matter how hard he tried. No matter how disastrous it could go tomorrow, he couldn't promise to walk away. Not with that precious place still intact. Kaid would hold her to her promise, even if it compromised everything.
"Yes," he exhaled a soft groan, letting his lips mesh with hers to silence the noises and the lies. What would it matter when all would go well tomorrow anyways?
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Kaid's eyes opened slowly, seeing Jessamine across the small cavern, using a small mirror to adjust her hair. She held the pins with her lips as her hands wound the braid together, forming it up into a bun to eventually pin and secure down. She wore a simple black dress, one of the many she had spent days prior wondering which to bring. A man could arrive at a meeting in a tunic shirt and leather trousers and nobody would care. She had to be taken seriously, but not also be the cause of a distraction. Her simple, elegant, long sleeve black dress would do.
She turned slightly on hearing him stir, smiling softly at him. His hair was a mess, the top of his black hair disheveled with the curls caused by friction of the blankets. His lips almost looked swollen from the amount of kissing last night, his lower neck littered with slight bruises. And no doubt his backside had various scratches of a gentle nature. The fact seeing him this morning in such a manner filled her heart with a joy she couldn't explain, she knew that this was simply how love was meant to be felt. She wished every day to wake up and still feel this giddiness whenever she saw him.
"You're creating a bad habit, letting me sleep in," he mumbled, sitting up slightly.
"I don't think I have it in me to wake you up. You look so peaceful when you sleep," she smiled in reply, walking over to him to place a soft good morning kiss on his lips, "did you sleep alright? You had a nightmare."
Not a surprise. What was a surprise was that he didn't exactly remember waking up from it. But as she mentioned it, he knew exactly which nightmare it had been. The same damn one. And ever since the night of the necromancer, the nightmare had never switched back to Kaid being the victim, not the other way around.
"I don't really remember it waking me up," he sighed, seeing her nod.
"You didn't. But I felt your heart racing so I did my best to calm you down," her hands glided across his bare shoulders, one hand moving to fix the ends of his hair, "a little bit of humming and making sure you could feel my calm heartbeat seemed to do the trick."
"There's something I need to tell you about the dreams," he urged, taking a deep breath. Jessamine didn't look quite ready for a serious conversation, given today would be filled to the brim with that. But when it came from Kaid's lips, from his own worries, of course she'd listen.
"Go ahead," she assured him, not sure what his dreams had to do with much, but she'd listen to his concerns.
"Remember in the Southern Isles, when you were surprised about the loose rigging? You said it was a dream I had in Caladin," he mentioned, seeing her nod, "I keep having the same nightmare, over and over again. I can't really pinpoint exactly when it started, I know it was maybe my first month or so in Vitross. But it always comes back, always feels like it's there waiting for me every time I close my eyes."
Jessamine moved to adjust her dress, sitting beside him, "Okay, tell me about the dream."
He hesitated, only because he was worried what he might think of her, "You're in the throne room, we are having a conversation. I can never know about what, and the emotions of the conversation always feels different every time. Sometimes you're sad, sometimes you're angry, and sometimes you're confused. But the conversation always ends, or did end, with you killing me. Sometimes it's one stab, sometimes it's multiple...it varies so much but the result is always the same. You lure me in, and then it ends," he whispered, seeing a bit of worry on her face.
"Kaid, I would never hurt you-" she tried to assure, seeing him shake his head.
"It changed. That night of the attempted assassination with the necromancer. The dream changed. I was the one holding the knife, I was the one killing you. It's like if this were a prediction of the future, something happened to change the script," he explained, feeling Jessamine reach forward to grab his hand.
"I also know that you'd never hurt me," she assured again, "this is not the future, Kaid. If anything, it's just your fears when you sleep that are coming together. That's all. If anything, I refuse to believe it, because the dream you had about sailing was a dream, not a nightmare. If your dreams are windows into the future, this nightmare is not. There's still plenty we don't know about the future, about Oblivion, about our own subconscious. Sometimes at night we think about our worst fears, and that's why it keeps coming back because you're afraid."
"It's the same knife, the same one as the necromancer. That Uhkhtar blade," he exclaimed, squeezing her hand tightly. It had to mean something. How could he dream of a blade he didn't know existed?
"It's from Uhkhtar, you're from Uhkhtar. You don't remember much of anything from your childhood. It could be a part of that," she whispered, knowing the revelation of the knife frightened her, but she wanted to reinforce that it didn't mean a thing. It couldn't mean anything. After all, neither of them would hurt each other. She couldn't even imagine causing Kaid any sort of pain. Just telling him the truth of his past was painful enough, she couldn't imagine causing him any physical harm.
"You really think it's nothing?" he asked, wanting to know for certain if he was just overthinking this.
"I do. I know what it's like to be tormented, to be frightened of such thoughts. Maybe you sharing it with me this morning will help, to have someone to talk about it with. I don't judge you for it, and never will," she kissed his cheek, holding his hand just as firmly as he held it.
Maybe it would go away on its own. That's what he had hoped for in the beginning anyways. But maybe she was right that in sharing it with her, it might put his mind more at ease at night. Afterall, sleeping beside her always made it easier, no longer screaming or thrashing throughout the night. For some reason, there was something inside him telling him it was related to Caladin.
The nightmares wouldn't go away as long as Caladin remained.
Kassandra walked in, eyes wide slightly upon realizing Kaid didn't appear to be dressed and Jessamine comforting him over something.
"Apologies, I didn't-"
"It's alright. You're right, we should be getting ready," Kaid interrupted her, smiling at her presence.
"Payne wishes to speak with you briefly," she glanced at Jessamine, the Empress nodding. No doubt it was a minor briefing, one Kaid clearly wasn't invited to. But that might now work in their favor. If the briefing had to do with his past, then surely Payne couldn't know that Kaid was aware of the truth. It was important, Jess would tell him.
Jessamine kissed Kaid's forehead before getting up, exiting the area with Kassandra. Kaid got dressed quickly, attaching all his weapons to his beltline. Normally he would hide his blade but not in a meeting like this. He wanted to let everyone know he was armed, because it showed he'd be willing to use it if necessary. He didn't know how he would feel if this meeting did go to shit, if they had to fight their way out. But he knew if Jessamine was threatened, he would have no option but to get her to safety. Even if it cost his life.
Kaid exited, letting his eyes adjust to the bright morning light. Guards were already ready to go, given Kiev had them up early and packed up. They were running over small drills, making sure their swords were polished, and all other weapons accounted for. Sebastian gave Kaid a small smile, Kaid nodding in return. Cadize walked over upon seeing him awake, handing the Guardian a small flask.
"For you, as a gift," Cadize offered.
"Is this your fancy rejuvenation cocktail?" Kaid asked, tucking it into his pocket.
"It is. Even if all goes well today, keep it. I made it for people like you, who could be a difference maker in a moment where energy is needed. You'll know when to use it," Cadize insisted, "the first day we met, do you remember what my advice was to you?"
"Observe, choose my friends carefully..." Kaid trailed off, seeing Cadize nod.
"You've made good friends," he insisted, "they'd do anything for you, you know that? We'd do anything for you. Because we know you're the type to do anything for us. Your compassion does not go unnoticed."
"Thank you, Cadize."
"You're welcome. And remember what I said about the whole 'time' Oblivion. You can pause, stop, go forward...but please, try not to go backwards. I don't think your body is meant for that. There are things in the past we can't change, and your life is not worth the cost of such an unknown risk," Cadize whispered, worried for his friend. The power he possessed couldn't be abused, and he knew a man like Kaid wouldn't abuse it. However, he had to know the risks. Such abuse would cost him his life if he continued using it.
Kaid glanced over at Jessamine, who looked surprisingly calm talking to Payne. While she may still hold some malice given the necromancer incident of throwing Kaid around, she knew they both had to move on from the incident. Still, his interferences were becoming too large to ignore. Panye had given his tools and use for most of her reign, but she was beginning to question if there was still a use for him. The only issue was, he knew too much to be discarded.
"You think Bashir will bring up Kaid's truth in the meeting?" Jessamine asked Payne, seeing him shake his head.
"No. There's plenty of reasons why nobody besides Vrah knows the truth. A devoted husband, father...he won't want anyone knowing that those all seem to be lies. He won't bring it up in a room with multiple people. Kiev will be with us, a few guards...it's too much a risk. Him bringing it up would certainly make Kaid question his loyalty, but he won't take the risk. You're walking into a lion's den, Jessamine, I hope you know that."
"I know what I'm doing," Jessamine insisted, seeing her mentor disagree, "we both hold things over each other. Maybe it's time to move past that and move into the future."
"Bashir won't like that Kaid is alive, and most of all, on your side," Payne retorted.
"Then he should've killed him a long time ago," Jessamine shrugged, "That was perhaps his mistake, there's no reason as to why he didn't or couldn't do that."
"Would you kill your own child?" Payne asked, seeing Jessamine's skin grow pale at the question, "you think you're strong willed enough to look an eight year old in the eyes and kill him? Bashir may be wicked, cruel by some opinions, but not everyone can look a child in the eyes and kill it. Bashir may have even known how dangerous his son was, but still chose a life of imprisonment over death. It was a weak decision."
"I don't think I could, Payne," Jessamine crossed her arms, knowing that sentence was a lie as she already had, "but I don't think mercy is a sign of weakness."
"If Bashir had done what you had done, we wouldn't be in this mess. And if you had done what Bashir did, kept that child, we wouldn't be in this mess either," Payne explained, "but here we are. There's no going back. I do hope you know what you're doing."
Payne walked away, beginning to bark orders for everyone to begin moving. They had practically a mile hike up to the old fortress where the meeting would take place. The other half of the Guards would begin reconnaissance on Christine's possible location, another fortress across the valley. There was work to be done and everyone had to play their parts today.
"Whatever you're keeping from me Payne, it's not enough. It won't be enough to save you," she whispered, crossing her arms. He was right. If she hadn't done what she did, they wouldn't be here. Bashir may have made a mistake, a good one in Jessamine's mind as it resulted in the love of her life existing. And she knew deep down she had made a good decision as well. She wouldn't wish for things to be different. Not now. She embraced it all because it got them here, in Uhkhtar, wanting peace.
Stupid of her to think that Payne hadn't planned for this notion at all from the beginning.