Drefan

A bo staff was thrust into my hands, “You have been avoiding me.”

I had been avoiding Saimaa so I did not have to explain how physically ill I was.

“I haven’t been feeling the best,” I muttered, fingers clenching the wooden staff.

She slipped her hand down to my elbow.

Saimaa led me down the hall, and I did not resist. I refused to look at the BlackGuards standing at attention in the halls. We walked into a small room and she turned to me.

“How long have you been unwell?”

“A few weeks."

“Have you seen anyone?” she asks, her strong voice tinged with concern.

“Yes. I saw Lady Milistree.”

“You should tell your father, Drefan. He would not have such expectations if he knew.”

She meant well, but there was no way in hell I was telling Robert that I was sick, he would just see it as further weakness on my part…

“You must get better, I missed our bouts.”

I smiled at my father’s second concubine, my feelings mixed as they always were. It never looked like Father treated Saimaa the same way he did my mother and me. Which was infuriating. Why was she above the yelling and the fists? Or did he simply not leave marks where they could be seen? Did he make her forget his outbursts like he did everyone else? It was hard to see this strong woman as a victim too.

“I do miss our bouts. I’ll do what I can to rest more.”

Saimaa nods and squeezes my elbow, “You should still speak with him.”

I wasn’t getting out of this, was I? I could not afford to argue with her when that would get around to not only my father but the court. I had an image to uphold, however much I despised it, and the Vesiput code demanded you respect the women in your life.

“Fine. I’ll go find him.”

“Thank you.”

I bowed to her, arms across my chest respectfully before she would pull me in for a hug. I stiffened not expecting the affection. I would hug her back after a moment. Her fingers cradled my skull. Even my mother did not touch me like this any longer.

She speaks close to my ear, “Do not always act so alone, I am here for you.”

“Did you offer this to Thom too?” he needed the affection and the support far more than I did.

“Yes, of course. You both are family. Children of my heart.”

I smiled, a little bitterly against her shoulder, head laying on the white dress that was of contrast to her darker skin.

“Thank you, Saimaa.”

Saimaa pulls back now to arm’s length, “Go speak to your father. It is a sad day for him, for all of us. But it is better he knows you are ill than for you to continue in secret.”

A sad day? My mind moved in slow motion trying to come up with the reasons for that. The opium had knocked the shit out of my ability to process things quickly. Someone’s death, it had to be, but who’s?

Stepping back from me, Saimaa gestures to the window and I retreat there still feeling off at her readily given affection. Who was Father mourning today? He did not mourn Artegal, unlike my mother who stood vigil at my little brother’s grave almost every day. Who did Robert care enough about to still grieve?

The Mausoleum’s central door was left open and two Black Guards stood at attention on either side of it. There was only one person who had the key to the Mausoleum and that was Father. Two aspen trees blazed with the colors of autumn, on either side of the stone building. In my mind’s eye, I could see him standing inside, in his court attire with the crown. It had to be her. Lucine. Thom’s mother, my father’s wife, died in childbirth. Even my mother had loved that woman, who had been kind and a bright spot in the lives of those around her. She had never been mean to me.

I had forgotten she had died today as we celebrate Thom's date of birth a week later to make that day a celebration of life. Not to be overshadowed by Lucine's death.

Saimaa settled by my side at the window and I spoke, “Does he need me giving him another headache today of all days?”

“Are you avoiding it?”

Yes! “No.”

“Then do it. Your spine is not so weak, is it?”

Damn it.

“I’ll go talk to him.”

I turned and made for the door, adjusting my walking speed so that it did not seem as though I was attempting to retreat as fast as possible. My teeth ground as I came into the hallway, but I showed no outward reaction to where I was going. The dark portals allowed me to come and go from the palace at my leisure, which also allowed me to spend more time with my brother. But being here more often meant I had to put up with formal dinners, and informal meetings with my father. But so far, I had avoided giving him any further reason to beat me.

I deferred to him and it chafed. I was nineteen! But I remained without the ability to kill him in such a manner that I would not be found as the culprit. I did not have the power or the skill.

Downstairs and outdoors, I pushed the doors open and blinked painfully at the sunlight. Walking past ministers and their wives, I adopted the straight-backed bow of respect to each pair I passed. Accepting that same bow in return.

Approaching the mausoleum, there were three entrances. The central door with wide rounded stairs leading to it was where Emperors, Empresses, and those of the First Blood interred. Two smaller doors were on either side, one for the Royal concubines and one for those of the Second Blood. Separated in death by their status as much as they had been in life.

Swallowing, I walked inside, adjusting to the torchlight. Soon I was by his side, my hands digging into my pockets. My shoulders preemptively hunching. Looking at the label etched into the stone of the casket installed into the wall I read:

Lucine Royale

Endelrhew 18th, 3351 to Hrethsos 12th, 3376

The lives of my parents are defined by the deaths of others. I don’t want mine to be that way.

After a while, my father said, “What is it?”

I was rattling my brain for any reason that I was speaking with him. The conversation had to last long enough that Saimaa would assume I had told him. Long enough that she would not later check and tell him herself…

“I offered to tutor the Camarian prince. Nathanael’s father wanted a Reinnen priest to do it. I offered and Queen Elaina agreed.”

My father hums and his hand falls onto my shoulder, “Well done. We do not need the boy’s mind taken by the church. If he is to co-rule Royale someday, it’s best he understands it and has not been spoon-fed lies.”

“That was my thought…also.”

“Good. I expect you will be quite busy then between that and your responsibilities.” My apprenticeship and dignitary duties in Cama’ra.

“Though I doubt it will be punishing to you being so busy you won't be around as much, hmm?” a brow rises over dark blue eyes that look at me.

I look back at him, at that smug smile on his face. Oh, he knew that I wanted to avoid any interactions between the two of us. It wasn’t like I was subtle about it.

“Not in the least.”

Robert humphs and turns back to Lucina’s tomb, “Make sure you make time for your brother, he doesn’t understand why you are so damn cold.”

Teeth grinding I stare at the far stone wall.

“It’s not like you to have nothing to say,” my father goads

I look back at him, “And what am I supposed to say besides, of course?”

A shrug of a black-coated shoulder, “I don’t honestly care. But you should know,” those eyes are back on me. “I’m not blind, nor am I dull-witted. Something changed after you came back from the deserts. I will find out what you are hiding from me, Drefan.”

A chill fell down my spine and I swallowed. Fuck, did I cut my losses and tell him? He had never had any respect for me anyway. Thom already knew, so were there ways that Robert could use the information of my addiction and coming death against me? Would he find out about Yeshe? Or would he go after Avan or Suinia? Shit.

I bluffed. “You can try.”

Robert laughs with a dark humorless sound.

“Now that’s what I was expecting to hear.”

My father partially turned toward me and I could feel the eyes that wracked my frame. The desire that I never wanted to be honed on me. His fingers tenderly swept the hair out of my face and I kept perfectly still. My stomach churned. I was internally screaming. I would rather he use his fists on me than show any form of tenderness. Any gentleness from him was just a lie.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

Unexpectedly he pulls me in for an embrace and he whispers against my ear, “Stay at the cabin tonight, it's been too long since we have spent an evening together.”

I swallowed as I nodded, feeling ill. Unable to say no, I was afraid he would go after Thom instead. I stayed perfectly still in the fold of my father’s arms. No one could make me feel as powerless as he could.

Robert pulls back and gestured with his chin toward the mausoleum's entrance and knew I had been dismissed. I took that opportunity to retreat. By Nanqa I was going to be sick.

There was no escaping it, he would figure out that I was dying this evening. He would feel the makeup on my skin. But I had to keep secret who had helped me home. No matter what. Not only for Suina and Yeshe but for Thom. What would Robert think of my brother’s rescue plan? I shuddered at the thought of how Robert would react to that. I had promised myself I would protect my brother and I would, again. No matter what.

-

I was desperate to forget that voice in the darkness and questing fingers. Of the night before. I pulled Avan closer and my friend was pliant. He rarely asked me why I showed such desperation when the two of us were alone. He followed my lead, his thumbs stroking downwards from just below my eyes as I kissed him. He tasted of tobacco which I did not care for but it marked Avan as different, not like my father. For that, I put up with the strong and offensive flavor.

“You are crying,” he states, dark blonde brows furrowing and he wipes away my tears.

“It’s nothing.”

One of his brows rose at my shrugging off of my sadness but he said nothing more about it. This was why the two of us were such close friends. He cared, but he would never push. For that I was grateful.

I dragged him and rolled so he was lying under me on the inn bed. It was autumn and Avan’s family had returned to the capital, Tuima to sell the remains of their harvest. It was during this time a couple of years ago that I had met him in a tavern, up to his ears in a bar fight that he was not likely to win. Too small and on his own against multiple opponents. I had helped him out of the situation by taking up the fight, back to back.

My face dried from wayward tears, Avan frees my mousey-brown hair from its tie and lets it fall about my face.

Avan smiles, “There is a girl, a member of Mistress Suinia’s clan, Urmia. She has given me the morning glory flower.” My chest feels tight.

I knew what that meant. The giving of a Blue Morning Glory. It was the way the women of the Haruzan showed romantic interest in a man.

I smiled through my tears and I could not know if it was a convincing one. Avan wasn’t mine, he never had been. It had been nice to pretend. But I had always known that he would find a partner or two among his people. The Haruzan did not practice monogamy, and their lines were down the women’s side. It allowed a woman to father a child with anyone that she wanted to, a freedom that was a rarity. I knew the women of my father’s people, the Barazon did not have that freedom.

“It is well deserved,” I reiterated.

My smile must not have been that convincing, as Avan kisses me again and wraps his arms around me.

“You are happy for me, but I want the chance to be happy for you too.”

“It’s going to be a while for me yet. I still have things I need to do first before I court anyone and I’m not having children.”

Avan shakes his head but he does not argue with me. For this, I give him another kiss. It was difficult to explain my aversion to the idea of children without talking about my father. But was what troubled Robert a matter of the blood? Would I be the same as my father? I wasn’t going to let that happen. It was for the best that I never had any children to find out.

Distracting me from my dark thoughts, Avan runs his hands up and under my shirt, caressing the skin there. I leaned down to give him a long kiss, appreciating the distraction. Yes, this evening I would show my gratitude for his friendship in every way I knew how. So I could forget about my life outside these Inn walls. I would spend this time with my only friend.

The next morning I arrived back at the palace, situating myself so I could catch Thom before his lessons. Seeing me there, leaning my shoulder against the wall Thom smiles and he comes to me without me saying a word.

I allow myself to smile at him, working to make the thing pleasant and not filled with bitterness. I hoped I succeeded.

“Tonight, how about we play dice?”

“Sure!”

Thom would move on the spot, unsure of himself before he steps right up to me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders which pulled me down somewhat from our height difference. I wrapped a singular arm about his waist and gave a few pats on his back. Even with him, I was awkward, but by Nanqa I tried not to show it. Father had been right, Thom wouldn’t understand why I was so bitter and withdrawn. Better I never let him see that side of me.

Jumping back he waves goodbye to me before he takes off so he is not late for his history lesson. Watching him go I deeply sigh as I make my way back down the winding staircase. That itch in my chest caused me to stop multiple times. Catching my labored breath I took less used hallways and ducked through the servants' entrance. I make plans to get lost in the city that afternoon.

It was difficult to relax in the palace, to let my guard down. It was somewhat easier among the common, but even then everyone knew what I was. They may not have known who I was, but the black and silver cloth I wore denoted me as a prince. Through the black iron-wrought gates and into the city proper. I had to return the straight-backed bow that those who greeted me gave as it was our custom. I heard the murmurs of, ‘your highness,’ and I felt boxed in by the crowds and had to concentrate on the stone beneath my feet.

I had never been great with crowds and that had been before the opium had tapped at an already existing unease. Now I wished to avoid them enough that I left the main roads of the city and ventured into the alleyways. I watched the signage around me only half-interested until I looked through a particular shop window. It was stuffed with various nicknacks, but what interested me were the different minerals and crystals on display. I was going toward the door as soon as I spotted a rather large black diamond.

The door chimed as I entered, the dust heavy in the air. I acknowledged the shop owner with the traditional bow and I was veering toward that particular shelf before he had finished his returned bow. Picking up the diamond I examined it for any chips, wondering if it had been cut specifically to hide its natural flaws. But I did not know crystals well enough to find those.

“Ahh, a black diamond, not many gravitate toward that particular beauty.”

I stiffened considerably as the male was in my personal space, not far behind me.

He spoke again, “Do you have a particular use for the diamond?”

I half turned, giving the shop owner a deadpan look, curling my hand around the diamond.

“How much does it cost?”

Tapping his chin with long fingernails the other male considered what to price it.

“20 gold pieces.”

Fishing out the gold from my coin purse I pushed the coins into his hands and shifted away and around him. Regaining my personal space I would throw a thank you over my shoulder before I was out the door. I pocketed the black diamond and shuddered. Being a prince, even one of the second blood, meant that I had to show respect to every and all. Even if I was never in line for the throne. The Vesiput code spoke of required respect, and Royalian tradition demanded it. Otherwise, it was likely I would have elbowed that shop owner in the gut for daring to be so damn close to me.

However, the black diamond was worth the discomfort. Black diamonds were not common, especially the size of my thumb. The larger, the more powerful the necrotic arts. The diamonds were known to be one of the best vessels for the transference of the soul. With my plans to sever my soul from my body, I would require something to put my soul into until I decided upon a phylactery. This would do nicely.

Retracing my steps back through the alleyways, I came to the main roads and searched for a tavern. I had several hours to waste until Thom was free to spend time with me. But I refused to spend the next couple of hours in the palace. Instead, I stepped into a tavern at midday where some were getting their luncheon and others were already deep in their cups. I settled at the bar and ordered a tankard of that day’s mead, staring off at the nearby plaster wall. Not long into my drink, music starts and I divert my attention, welcoming the bard’s talent. Here I would wait out the day enjoying the atmosphere.

That evening I returned to the palace after dinner, having eaten at the tavern. Avoiding awkward and unwanted conversations at the dinner table was common enough for me. As even before the year in the north I only held back my public hatred of our father because of my brother. Thom did not understand, and hopefully, he never would. To my brother, we were not an abused family. It was not only Robert who fed that fantasy. We both kept Thom from the truth, father by illusions, and me by my lies.

I waited by the door to Thom’s room ignoring the many Black Guards stationed along the walls. I only moved when he stepped out of the stairwell and unlocked the door to his chambers. Shrugging my hair back from my shoulders I slipped inside his room. Little had changed here, as Thom still studied for the Merit Exams having little time for anything else.

But that evening he had made time for me, and he pulled out a small wooden board from below his desk and passed it to me. Finding his dice on another shelf we settled onto his bed, with the board laid between us. Shaking the dice, Thom pitched them onto the board, keeping two and rerolling the third. Content now with his numbers, I was passed the dice.

“I will be tutoring Nathanael in his letters and numbers a few evenings a week now.”

“Oh! That’s good, we will see more of each other that way, right?”

“I hope so. You can keep me updated on your progress that way and I can give you a few breaks from your studies.”

I tossed the dice onto the board, keeping all three. I passed them back to Thom giving him another chance to roll the dice.

“I cannot wait until spring comes, and I will be done with the exam. Just a few more months now.”

Keeping two dice, Thom threw the other onto the board, groaning after his numbers were lower than mine. One point to me.

“You will be fine, you have studied hard for the Merit Exam.”

“But what happens if I fail?”

I shook my head as I threw the dice onto the small board, “Nothing. You are still heir, which makes the test more of a formality than anything.”

Keeping one dice, I rerolled two. I then passed the dice to Thom again.

He keeps the dice in hand when he next speaks, looking into my eyes, “But father excelled at the Merit Exam. I cannot do any less than the same.”

“That is putting a lot of pressure on your shoulders.”

Throwing the dice down, Thom sighs, “I know but it's not enough to just be the heir. I want to be a suitable Emperor to Royale. That means I will know all of its laws and traditions.”

“Which is why you are studying so hard. You will know all of it.”

I reached over and ruffled his deep red hair as Thom rerolled all three dice. He smiles as his number is larger than mine and passes me the dice. One point for Thom.

“I wish I had your faith in me,” Thom mumbles and I put our playing on pause by moving his bangs out of his eyes so I could look at those dark green eyes of his.

“I wish you did too, Thom. You are taking the exam seriously and studying non-stop. I am sure you will excel at it, just like Father did.”

I hated that he would compare himself to Robert, but he had no reason not to. Neither of us, Robert or I, would allow Thom to know just how depraved Robert really was.

“What about your studies?” Thom asks as I toss the dice onto the board.

“They are going well, I have learned several ways to control the darkness. To hide myself, and to travel.”

I pass the dice to Thom who rolls and smiles at me as his number is larger than mine. Another point to Thom.

Thom speaks up, “So you can travel anywhere?”

“I would not use the darkness to travel in Camar’a, too much superstition about darkness and light. But as long as I can picture the place I wish to travel to, I have been able to use the darkness to travel there. Which means I must know what the place looks like first.”

Shaking the dice I drop them onto the board, keeping my three numbers. I hand them to Thom.

“Could you use a description or a painting?”

“I do not see why not, the painting would be more helpful though.”

Tossing the dice Thom kept one and rerolled two. Still, my number was larger, another point for me. I was passed the dice again. Letting them fall from my fingertips onto the board, I kept one and rerolled two.

Passing them over, Thom lets his dice fall onto the board, “I hope we have more time together after we are done with our studies… I miss this.” He is not looking at me but down at the board, his red hair falling over his eyes again.

“I hope so too,” I reassure him, and putting down the dice I sweep shaggy hair from Thom’s face. “I will always want to spend more time with you, Thom. You don’t ever have to doubt that.”

Thom smiles at me looking me in the face before he looks away sheepishly and I lean over the board, pressing my lips against his forehead. He was the only thing in this world that I really, truly loved and I wanted him to know that.

Embarrassed Thom punched my arm after the kiss and I started laughing. That only earned me another hard punch in the shoulder. He wasn’t a little boy anymore but an adolescent who was too flustered at my show of affection. I had to remember he was getting older.

I picked up the dice and threw them down, keeping my three numbers before Thom shook his and let them drop. Ah!

“Last point goes to me.”

Unconcerned at his loss, Thom smiles at me again and somehow I wish I could bottle up that smile and keep it in my pocket forever. That purity of emotion. That happiness. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a bitter bastard. Hah.