Chapter 24 - Meditations on Wills

The first thing you must realize is that all traditionally-held ideals on the cultivation of the Deck of Wills are comfortable half-truths at best. And, at worst, seductive, contemptible lies. We think of them as concepts, yet the truth is in the very name. Wills are so much more than simple ideas.

-Lancaster’s Manual of Wills

I started to panic but sat on the floor next to Annalisa and meditated to control my breathing and terror. Being sent into the hydra’s den. This was making my way, under Kridick. If I wanted to be someone in this town, this was the path forward and upward. Until it turned into a path to the grave. Unlike Annalisa, I felt little sympathy for the Mayaz knifemen. They had come into our house. They had taken our people. I wanted to make them pay. I wanted back what was ours. The knaves, dragons, and towers all buzzed with agreement.

My dilemma wasn’t one of will, but of ability. As a mage, I was just beginning to come into my own. But, I was hardly a fighter. I could certainly knife someone with their back turned, as I’ve proved on two occasions. I could sneak magic into someone else’s fight to great benefit. I could magnify Annalisa’s power to heights she couldn’t reach on her own. At least, not yet. But I, myself, wasn’t much of a head-on kind of guy. To the east somewhere, my missing card buzzed. The five of knaves, my newest bonded card, and my first five. And getting it, and the girls back, would require a head-on approach.

Still, the fact that I’d bonded with a five excited me. All the suits ran two through five, with the suit lords taking the position of the ace. The numbers didn’t necessarily scale linearly with power, though each card should get slightly stronger as more of its suit is unlocked. The lower three cards in a given suit were self-centered cards, blunt instruments, and surface-level concepts and relationships that were reflected in the simple, direct nature of their associated spells. But the higher cards represent a higher level of relationship to human emotions and conceptual understanding with the theory behind the suits themselves. Intrinsic links with the wills behind the deck aligned with subtleties of concept that ultimately determined mastery. If I’d bonded with the five, theory held that I could potentially master the suit. Mastery of a suit generally boiled down to a seemingly simple challenge that was, in practice, rarely successful. The philosophy behind the entire suit, all five conceptual levels, had to be understood as a single idea. The significance hit me. I could master a suit.

It meant I wasn’t broken as a soul-seeker—or, at least, that I might not be broken. I was starting to come to terms with the fact that not everything I’d learned within the halls of the Seekers Guild had been entirely accurate. Still, the consideration of theories and lectures put me in a calmer, more rational place regarding the Mayazians. I still didn’t know what I was going to do. There were infinite possibilities to consider, even unorthodox ones like cutting and running, or even defecting to the Mayaz (who wouldn’t want more mages on staff?). It was a complex quandary with no simple solution.

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“You’re going to help me get those girls, right?” asked Annalisa.

The question was so sudden it completely shook me from my train of thought. I turned my head. She looked at me, black eyes glossy and cheeks wrinkled from tears. “They were so nice to me, here.”

That small kindness was all the reason she needed. Contrary to outward appearances, I knew Annalisa wasn’t stupid. Just, somewhat blind where matters concerning her own self and abilities were concerned. The devilborn girl had a sentimental streak a mile long. Her primary guiding lights were not focused rationality but matters of the heart. I looked at the card reflected in her eyes, burning above my own forehead, and sighed. And yet, my fortunes were still tied to Annalisa. I breathed. “You’d go in there, even if it was just you, wouldn’t you?” I asked.

“It won’t be just me,” she said.

I leaned my head back against the bar. “No. It won’t. Come with me.”

I took her out of the grisly tableau of the Mop while the staff made an effort to clean the place up. Just because a handful of the talent had been taken didn’t mean the rest could afford to stop plying their trade.

We headed north a few streets to the money changer. I took Annalisa upstairs, and by the time we entered my rented room, the change in scenery had already done a world of good for her disposition. She sat on the bed—though sitting isn’t really something Annalisa does. More bouncing with potential energy as she picked at what was quite possibly a scab on the mattress.

I hesitated, briefly, before prying the loose brick from the mantle. Inside the crevice, the complete bloodstained deck waited. Fingers trembling, I reached in and pulled it out.

“What’s that?” asked Annalisa.

Having never used the fel deck, I could still sense the Wills within, reaching out to make their mark on our world. I shuddered and released the binding.

“It’s a special deck,” I said. “It’s powerful. Dangerous, even. Moreover, it’s complete. I could use it for divination—to get critical intel on what we’re about to do. But... I’m not sure I’m ready to use it.” I fanned the cards out on the table, all too conscious of the red stains marking the surface of most of them. It twisted the portraits and ran in the carving, warping the very wood itself. I was careful not to feed the barest sliver of my will into it.

What should I do?

What kind of answer would this bloody piece of Dragonmaw’s darkest hour give me? Could I even trust it? Or would the Wills overpower and use me, instead? I hovered my fingertips over the cards, steeling myself. I could sense them. They were a swirling maelstrom of malice and malcontent. They wanted to finish what they’d started.

I felt a hand lay on top of my own and flinched. But it was Annalisa. She looked at me, worried. I hadn’t even heard her get off rat-bed. I swallowed. Gods, my mouth was dry. All the moisture seemed to have gone to my pores, because sweat ran freely down my back and under my arms.

“I’m not ready for this deck, yet,” I said. I swept up the cards, rebound them, and put them back in the hollow.

“Let’s go to Hollowdown.”