TW: Suicidal thoughts; Homophobic slurs
As soon as I fall asleep in-game my eyes open to darkness in real life.
I slowly take off the headset and for a moment just stare at the overly familiar ceiling of my room, trying not to think about the body I currently inhabit. Although I try not to think about it, it’s still pretty obvious; my body feels wrong, completely wrong. And the worst part is that I really have to get going now, not to miss my morning classes.
I block out my emotions so I don’t start crying my heart out and try to stand up, immediately getting hit by severe nausea. The world around me seems to move so slow. I wave my hand in front of me and it’s like I’m watching a slow motion camera in action.
-I suppose this is the time dilation the game was telling me about…-
I take my clothes and head downstairs towards the bathroom for my morning routine, the world slowly getting back up to speed. Luckily my parents have already left for work.
As I enter that bathroom and put my clothes on the bathroom table I look up and see the mirror with a guy staring back at me.
Hell.
I can’t hold back the tears anymore as my knees collapse beneath me.
“Why does this have to happen to me…!” I yell out, getting even more distressed by the sound of my voice.
-I want Élise here so badly.-
I drag my body over to the shower, hoping the warm water will calm me down.
It doesn’t.
The confrontation with my naked body, the body I hate so much, only deepens the already gaping wounds of my emotional state. The shower water mixing with the cascade of tears…
-How do people like Crystal do this? How do they live with this every day without wanting to make it end…-
I turn of the shower and dry myself. Avoiding contact with my unwanted bits the best I can.
Putting on my clothes doesn’t take long, wanting to cover up this disgrace as soon as possible. Until I hear something. The sound of a marble on the floor.
“Huh?” I look around but I don’t see a thing.
On the floor, nothing.
Next to the shower, nothing.
Next to the bathtub, nothing.
The toilet, nothing.
I get to my knees and look under the cabinet.
-It can’t be…-
My arm almost gets stuck under the gap trying to reach, but luckily it didn’t roll too far.
A ball in a familiar paper wrapper…
I immediately roll the ball out of the piece of paper and it looks just like it did in game, pink with a twirl of light inside.
The words of the granny coming back to mind. “Eat this when you feel unhappy.”
Normally I wouldn’t advice eating candy from an old, strange lady you found in the woods. But honestly, right now I don’t give a single flying fuck…
I launch the little ball into my mouth where it almost immediately dissipates. Leaving a strong apple and strawberry flavour in my mouth.
However...my throat suddenly starts burning, hotter than the hottest spice I’ve ever eaten.
My head starts to explode with pain.
And my heart… it stops…
I gasp for air as I try to take my phone to call 112, but my arms suddenly lose all their strength, making it fall on the cold marble floor, its screen shattered.
The strength in my legs leaving me for the second time today.
I collapse against the closed door with a thud, my sight going darker by the second, still trying to get some air, to no avail.
-No...Not like this…-
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Five seconds later I lose consciousness.
I find myself floating in darkness.
“Am I… dead?” My voice echoes around me “I-it’s Amicia’s voice!”
A point of light appears in the darkness around me.
“Live!” A voice calls out, faint but clearly audible.
“Who’s there?” the light expands ever more.
“Live!” the voice repeats, sounding louder and a lot more familiar to my ears.
“Wait...granny?”
“Go, and live your new life to its fullest child!” The light explodes and completely engulfs me.
With a shock I’m wide awake, still slumped against the door. Air rushing into my lungs, it feels like they had been empty for hours.
Strength flows back into my limbs, as I try to hoist myself up with the nearby cabinet.
Everything appears...bigger.
My pants falls down when I try to reach for the mirror, that’s when I see it.
Instead of my past self staring back at me, it’s Amicia. Cat ears and all. Dressed in an oversized hoodie.
I bring my hands to my face. The image in the mirror repeating my every move. It feels soft to the touch, no more dark stubbles to be felt. My hands move up to my head, touching the ears.
-Fluffy.-
Tears running down her cheeks. Running down my cheeks.
The feeling of happiness filling my body, bringing a warm glow to my chest, until suddenly I realize. “I’m a catgirl…”
“This is real life... And I’m a catgirl… And I’m still in my parent’s home.”
The warmth I previously felt makes place for this chilling cold gut feeling.
“Shit, I need to get out of here. I have to call Élise” I look down and find my phone smashed on the floor. “Oh Goddess, I forgot that happened.” I take the bits and pieces of my phone and stuff them into the pockets of my hoodie as to leave no evidence behind.
“Next, I should probably try to hide my catgirlness…” I quickly grab my pants and use my belt to secure it around my waist, my tail going down into one of the trouser legs. It’s incredibly uncomfortable, especially now that my hips are so wide, but it’ll have to do. I pull the hoodie over my head and try to get my ears as flat against my head as I possibly can before I check myself in the mirror.
“Okay, I don’t look like a cat now, although I do look horrible in these clothes…” When I speak, I see my canines also grew like they did in-game. “Should probably avoid speaking and smiling as well…”
I quickly leave the bathroom and go upstairs.
-There’s just a couple of things I can’t leave behind.-
I take a bag, put some more hoodies in it.
Rushing over to my bed I grab the D3u5XMachina and last but not least, take Mister Snuggles, a small tiger plushie my sister once gave me, and put them on top of the hoodies.
Taking one last look at my PC, feeling incredibly torn I can’t take it with me right now, I zip up the bag and take it with my downstairs.
When I’m putting on my shoes a noise catches my attention.
-Someone is coming!-
I quickly slide behind the sofa, my back against the wall.
-Shit, my bag for uni is still on the table.-
But before I can go and get it the lock clicks and the door swings open. It’s my dad, he’s on the phone.
“Yes, I’ll just get the paperwork from my desk and I’ll be right back. Yes. I’m sorry boss, it won’t happen again.”
He puts his phone away and walks over to his desk, just a few metres away from my hiding spot. I hold my breath. Luckily for me it doesn’t take long before he turns around and walks to the door again.
“Hmmm.” He halts next to the dinner table. “Looks like that faggot forgot his shit again. That cunt is such a failure, nothing good will ever come of him. Or his sister...” He wacks my school bag, making it crash to the floor. “Oops.” and walks out of the door.
I wipe some tears out of my eyes before getting up.
-I hate my dad but hearing him say stuff like that still hurts...Definitely won’t miss this place.-
Quickly grabbing both my bag and my schoolbag for uni, luckily I keep most of my books at uni so it doesn’t weigh that much, I peek out of the window to see if my father has left already. I just catch a glimpse of his car racing off.
Walking out the door has never felt more ‘final’ than it does now. I won’t be able to come back, ever.
Élise and Nikki live in the center of the next city over. So I’ll have to take the bus there. I hide myself in the corner of the bus stop but fortunately the bus doesn’t make me wait for it that long. Apart from a couple of stairs on the bus, the ride also goes more smoothly than anticipated, although my tail is basically killing me right now.
I get out at the stop 100 metres away from their apartment and walk over as fast as possible.
“Please be home, please.”
Going up to the eleventh floor I ring at the door. No response.
“Oh c’mon!”
I put my bags down and let myself slide down the wall, putting my head on my knees.
Sitting there for an hour or two, in the cold hallway, it dawns on me what challenges are in store for me. How will my parents react? How will I live life as a catgirl? Will the government catch me and experiment on me?
“‘Live life to it’s fullest’, ye, easier fucking said than done... but... at least I’m a girl now…” Getting overwhelmed, I start crying for the umpteenth time today until I get interrupted by the sound of groceries hitting the floor in front of me.
“Who are you and what are you doing here?” a woman demands.
I look up and see her face, a face of fear and surprise, turning soft in an instant when she sees mine, followed by her sliding to her knees to embrace me.
“A-Amicia?! What?! How?!”
I sniff, “Hey Nikki, it’s a long story…”