I struggled up to take a look around. This place didn't look like my ritual room or even Lapan. I seemed to lie in between some old ruins. Everything around me was some shade of gray. A few leftover columns, some larger blocks of concrete and many small stones. Even the sky was completely clouded, shrouding everything into a depressing scenery.

My health was still bad and for some reason I had to expend a conscious effort to keep my suppress aura up. I reached for my inventory, to take out some health and mana potions. Nothing happened. Normally the command would have opened a kind of screen from which you could direct an item to the outside or move it around inside.

I tried again, and then even spoke out: "System: Open Inventory". Not even an error message popped up. I became really nervous, this whole situation was already too bizarre, I felt strange new sensations and everything seemed completely real.

So I used the next command to test out the situation: "System: Log out". Again not even any reaction appeared. I started to panic. One after another I tried out any options to get any kind of response. I felt around for the subsystems used for friend chat, game support, for information screens or help, but all of them came up empty.

My concentration slipped and my whole body burned from inside. It took a huge effort to refocus back on my aura and pressed it down again on the swirling conflict in my body.

For a while I could just crouch down, only concentrating on this. Slowly the pain dulled out, but I was still in a bad shape.

When it seemed to become bearable I started to consider my options. I decided to put aside how unfamiliar my body felt to concentrate on survival. It was obvious that I was no longer in the game. I would have to look around and see my situation.

I struggled up and slowly walked towards a gap between a broken column and some rocks. The ruins seemed to further stretch on, so I tried to find my way through. In some dark corners shadows flickered in a disturbing way and I decidedly avoided those. Some paths seemed to beckon me, but I feared being drawn into a trap.

By going around either, the ruins finally opened up to the outside. A gray and empty wasteland stretched out in every visible direction. The whole area was a blasted landscape, a desert devoid of any green or life. Hill followed after hill and nothing seemed different from the rest.

The temperature was slightly cold, mainly because of the fresh wind and the lack of sunlight. It was not exceptionally dry, so I wondered why there didn't seem to be any life at all. The whole place gave off a sense of rejection.

I tried to decide on a direction, but everything seemed the same. So I circled around the ruins to get a look at their back, but there was no difference.

When I had made my way around I just took to walking towards one of the bigger hills in hope of a better view. The ground was difficult to walk on without a path. I constantly had to avoid holes and be careful of my footsteps. Every now and then I had to reorient myself to my target.

Finally I reached the top of the hill I had decided on. In the direction I had come from the ruins were visible. There was nothing particularly interesting from this perspective, so I took a look in the other directions. The sight was depressing. Before I had hoped for something that stood out of this wasteland, but there was not even any landmark.

The clouds up above completely hid any sign of the sun, making orientation difficult.

In the end I took a path away from the ruins to another of the bigger hills. The way was a struggle and the sight just as depressing. So I continued on.

After a while I became a bit exhausted. I could not exert myself from the beginning, but now every step was a struggle. Every now and then, my mind slipped, punishing me with a flash of additional pain.

Finally I could not take another step and dropped to the ground. This place seemed as good as any, there had been no caves anywhere I looked and the place I had dropped down in was at least slightly protected from the wind.

The light was still of similar intensity to when I had appeared in the ruins, so it must have been morning back then. It was a bad place to stay the night and a waste of daytime, but I had no more choice.

One thing I was glad about was, that my current leather clothes offered some protection against the cold of the ground. I usually wore them as all round protection and traveling gear and had not changed out of them for the ritual.

The ground was still uncomfortable though and I rolled a few times from side to side until I fell asleep. I don't think I was sleeping for long until a sharp headache pulled me out again. It took me quite a bit just to orient myself among the wavelike movement of the ground. Letting out a deep sigh when I had finally stabilized myself I leaned against a nearby rock to rest a bit longer. Even in sleep the elements did not let up.

In the game using mana as a resource had been available right away, or not if used up. Now I could also sense some kind of inner pressure that emitted out of my body. I had instinctively used the aura that was build up by this effect and pressed it down through my skin and into my body. If I did this it seemed to hide my aura, and in the forceful way I used it, it also suppressed my inner energies. It still felt like a drain though and over time not just my body felt exhausted, but also the constant use of this power had become an additional strain.

No longer in the mood for real sleep I just leaned back and tried to relax into some drowsy state without letting my consciousness drift away. I almost slipped over the edge a few times, but was actually able to regain control, before the pain surged up again.

After some unknown time I forced myself up again. Still just as tired, but at least able to walk again I continued on my journey. The light was still up and I guessed it to be late afternoon by now.

This time my progress was far slower, but I still pressed on in hope of finding a better resting place for the night. An indefinite time later I was yet again forced to rest in a location not all that different from the last.

Everything was still shrouded in the same ever gray type of color. My sense of time started to become disturbed by this continuing twilight.

I sat down to doze again, but this time could hardly keep myself awake. One time I must have drifted of, when I had a nightmare I didn't quite remember until pain yet again forcefully pulled me out.

Not in the mood for a repeat session I dragged myself up again to slouch further on my way.

In this matter I continued a few more cycles through the ever same badlands. At some time I completely lost my sense of time and space, hardly knowing the difference between sleeping and waking. Always a constant repetition of stabs of pain, exhaustion and uneasy rest.

If you continue on without proper sleep for to long, reality becomes surreal. Add to that the extreme conditions I had had to endure and the unnerving flickers of light and dark that started to draw ever closer to the core of my consciousness, it is no wonder, that at some point I started to slip.

At first it seemed like unintelligible mumbling, at some times inviting, at others horrifying and maddening. I kept them at bay as best as I could. In a way I finally started regretting the path I had forced my character to walk in the game. And yet I couldn't wholly do so. I started chuckling in an almost inaudible voice about the fact, that I had ridden myself into this situation.

I whispered to myself at times. Perhaps ridiculing the situation. "Let's see what color the next hill is made of."

"Oh, I guess that shade of gray is almost a bit..."

The gray color glared right at me. It did not even contain a hint of any other color.

"Gray after all?"

When I suddenly woke up, still hearing the murmur of soothing waves, this time awoken by my cramping left foot, I could only chuckle to myself.

"The pain is not real, the pain is in your .. son of a bitch that hurts"

My right foot and one of my teeth had started hurting too, forcing me give myself to sanity for a moment. Once my basically nonexistent aura had resumed its rightful job, I was at last free to make fun again.

One problem you might face in such a situation is just wishing to give up and let go. "One, two, step, step aaaaand lets make a break. Don't want anymore I will just stay here and die."

After a short while the rest will become restless, and then it becomes uncomfortable with beginning signs of pain. Well, more pain than the ever present background noise. And finally getting up and walking seems a preferable kind of torture to the other.

At one point in time, maybe more lucid than others, I began to realize, that I still was not dead. It had become impossible to determine how much time had passed. At least many days, maybe one or two months? It was impossible to even guess.

And still here I was, well and kicking, just a bit worse off and actually struggling to even lift my legs at all. I did not have any hunger, not per se. It was more like an all encompassing emptiness. I felt hollowed out.

I took a look down my body, just past my breasts to my empty and surely quite slim stomach. Ah yes there was that, too.

I only just now realized again, that all the time I had struggled around had not even really been me. I poked at one of my breasts. It felt very real. Another grab between my legs. Nothing. I dropped down, the realization finally hitting home. “All this endless hell and I can't even be me? I suffer out here in the nowhere and can't even keep being myself?”

I began crying. Right now the last bit of belonging was ripped out of me. I felt completely estranged with my female body, with the world around me, even my crazed mind felt like it should not belong to me. An empty shell lying on the ground.

Perhaps the last try had not been earnest enough, but when nothing was left of me I just let go. Even the pain did not feel like my own anymore. The foreign body around me decayed away while I just let my mind hang. I waited.

The cold wind that sometimes blew past seemed like the only bit of life left in this place. The rocks below me felt more familiar. My eyes were the only part I still seemed able to control. Sometimes I was just staring blankly ahead. The scenery didn't change, but it had become the proper place to be. It felt like to much effort to gaze around, so I always continued staring at the same rock in front of me. Not really any difference to the rest around here. I closed my lids and tried to dream.

Before the pain had always been so horrible, that deep sleep was impossible. Now it felt like I was bathing in it but I had lost any sensitivity. I dreamed. But the dreams seemed just as dull. The dreams reflected an endless march across the gray landscape. When I became aware an oppressive feeling overcame me. I could not imagine doing anything else and struggled to find anything other to do than resting or continuing on, even while dreaming. When I woke up again I yet again faced the same place, but it didn't feel like rest anymore. Instead it had become another place to stay a while before continuing on and on.

Between empty dreams and endless waiting frustration built up. I finally became restless again and decided to continue struggling after all. When I tried to move my body didn't even react. I was still lying the same way I had all this time. I concentrated to finally move but I was just spread out on the ground, a wasted piece of decayed flesh. Why did I not die? The endless fight of light and dark had ravaged my body and still I somehow continued hanging on.

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Unable to do anything I started to think of any way out. But inspiration runs dry here. Finally I thought, that I had stopped using suppress aura since I was here. Somehow I could still control my mana, so I put it back to use. I had not generated a lot, even though much time had passed, but I used the leftovers to try healing myself.

In the game healing had always been one of the things I used the invocations for. It was difficult to imagine light aspect mana repairing specific wounds. Right now I could not even talk, not that invocations and system commands had any effect anymore. So instead I focused my intention to repair my body. After a while my mana was depleted again and I knew that if I released my aura the damage would be worse than what I could heal with the saved up mana.

I was able to wiggle some of my muscles now, but was nowhere near able to move. I was at an impasse. Staring ahead I tried thinking of any way out. The only thing different from the gray rocks were the flickers of light and dark. I finally decided to stop ignoring them. I hardly doubted, that there could be anything worse to come out of interacting with them, than the situation I was in.

Sending my intention toward a flicker of light I tried manipulating it. To my surprise it immediately sprang to action. I softly pulled it into my direction and it drew close until it passed into my body. I felt a light rush and then it merged into my pool of light. Looking around I began to draw on any specks of light and dark I could find. It seemed to refresh my mana, although I had to slightly increase the suppression. With the extra mana I renewed my efforts to heal myself.

Finally just barely able to move I crawled along the ground. Any flicker around me was absorbed and used to heal me a bit further. At some time I had restored my previous state of health and could finally move my wreck of a body again. First I wanted to refrain from absorbing more of the light or dark, but the mana consumption had increased. My little natural regeneration could no longer sustain it. Now I was forced into a vicious cycle.

The moment I absorbed them, I could no longer expel any of the two from my body, but always seemed able to add more. So once again I journeyed along.

“Next time I drop will be the last time. Then I will have an eteeernity just by myself. Maybe it would be nice to have at least a nice view ahead of me then.”

“Hmm that hill is awfully nice, might make for a good grave I guess.”

This place had become my home. Cycle after cycle continued. Whatever I had once expected was long gone. I had forgotten other colors. Water and food, fun or any diversity meant nothing anymore.

“Come here little flicker, time to eat.”

The speck of light rushed into my open mouth.

“Oh great oracle answer me, where can I find the exit?”

“Turn right.”

“Thanks, still gonna eat you though.”

Walking along the right side of the hill I let my mind slip for a while. My body had grown accustomed to the trek and stumbled along even half asleep. Every now and then I would kindly talk to some passerby, and thanking them before taking a bite of them. At some point I had stopped concentrating on my suppress aura and it still continued on by itself. I guess it had become a subconscious effort by now.

Pain had lost any meaning by now, becoming a silent companion along my journey. Of course the exhaustion of endlessly walking was very real and I settled yet again for an indeterminate time of rest. While I uncomfortably lay on the ground I realized that the next cycle would be the last. For a while now my body had begun deteriorating again and taking in any more specks hardly even seemed to slow the effect. I had barely been able to get up last time, and doubted I continue anymore at all after the next.

Resigned I took to dreaming of a wonderful scenery and an exciting journey. When I woke up it took me forever to get on my feet. And then every step felt like it would be the last.

“How much longer yet?”

“Not long now.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Just a bit.”

Finally I stood still. I had reached my limits and could not even lift my feet anymore. Resentment built up. I was fully aware what fate awaited me the moment I sat down even for just a second, but up ahead was nothing but the ever same landscape. Since I had appeared in the ruins I had never encountered anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps I should have taken more time there to scout them out, but I never could have imagined to be unable to exit this place no matter how long I walked.

I did not even fear death. I would gladly welcome it with open arms, but once I laid down something far worse would probably hold onto me forever.

Once more putting together what will I had left I took one more step. And yet another. I would have enough time to rest when my body dropped down by losing consciousness.

Had I become a statue? Unwilling to find my final rest on the ground? I just stood there, and looked to the ground. I sighed and prepared to lie down.

“You MUST keep walking now, or you will forever regret it.”

One dark speck expectantly looked at me. Something seemed off about the way it talked, they were usually so kind. But it had awoken some last remains of strength inside of me and I stumbled yet again one step towards it. It flew away a short distance and seemed to be waiting. I tilted my head to the side. Why did it walk away?

“Where are you going?”

Step, step.

“Please wait, I really can't walk anymore.”

Step, step.

“Hmm, that is strange, I have never seen a rock like this before, or have I?

In front of me the most artistic rock I had seen here so far laid sprawled out on the ground. The ages had left it crumbling, but it still seemed like it had once been a statue. It was in the form of an androgynous figure with some wing like extensions. If I had to guess it looked like some kind of broken angel.

The speck moved in front of the broken rock.

“Release me and I will tell you the way out.”

“I want to sleep now.”

The rock was a nice enough place to look at I decided.

“Stay up and listen!”

This speck was really not nice, but something felt off. Did it actually talk to me or did I talk to myself. Was I talking to myself before? Or had the voices I had heard before been in my head? Wait that was the same, wasn't it.

But if I was talking to myself, and I was very tired, why would I stop myself from sleeping? There were always good reasons for taking a break, but so few against.

Somehow talking seemed sensible. It had been a while since there had been some variety in my conversations.

“Okay?”

“Are you listening now?”

“Yes, yes of course I am!”

Get to the point.

“You are one step away from lying down here forever, but if you listen to me, I can help you escape this hell.”

I was pretty sure that voice was not in my own head, foreign maybe? Wait, priorities. If it could actually talk then perhaps it really did have some help for me.

“Actually dying would be more comfortable right now.”

“I fear there is no death for you here. But you can go somewhere better.”

“I think I know I can't die. Getting out sounds nice.”

“Excellent. Then listen carefully now. I will offer you a deal. You will kill me and I tell you the way out.”

“Why would you want to die? Actually, forget what I said, who wouldn't want to die here.”

“Wait, you are the same as me. Then you DO know how to kill me also!”

“You are correct. The problem is that only one of us can destroy another of us. And that leaves one behind.”

“So either you or me remains?”

“You will remain. I have been here for far, far longer than you. There is nothing that will convince me to take you out.”

“If you know how to get out, why don't you leave yourself.”

“When I arrived here, it was because I came here on purpose. I have lived for so long, that even outside of this place I became so weary, that just a chance at death was enough to head here. I have waited for nothing but this.”

“So I do not have any choice.”

“You do have the choice to stay here, half dead, but never there and live out an eternity in waiting. Or you can leave and find some life outside that can keep you entertained.”

“Then tell me the way out.”

“Very well, but do not forget to fulfill your part of the bargain.”

“And if I don't?”

“Then I will resent you with all my might. I may not have any strength left, but I will be able to pull you back here, and then you will never leave again.”

“Then it is better I take care of it.”

My legs felt more and more heavy and I knew my chance was slipping away fast.

“What do I have to do?”

“This place is an impossibility, a place right in between two polar opposites that can't be combined. Except they were, and for everything in existence, there must be a corresponding place. Right now we sit at the very center between light and dark. There are two exits, one to the light and one to the dark. If you create an imbalance in yourself, the place will shift, too.”

“That means I suppress only either light or dark and let the other dominate?”

“Yes. As far as I know once you reach the pure dark or light, you will have to find a glimmer of the other there.”

“As far as you know? You have never left here before?”

“No, I only came here once and I never intended to leave. But this is the way to travel planes. I imagine finding a glimmer of light in the dark is easier than finding a bit of dark in utter brightness, so you should head to the dark.

Now for your part of the deal. Reach within me with your sense and pull apart light and dark. Of course they will reform on their own, or there would hardly be any need to seek out another cursed one. Somewhere in the depths of my being is my core, which only you will be able to find. It is the one bit that contains both light and dark in somewhat of a harmony. Plug it out, and you destroy my life.“

I could feel my strength waning and decided to hurry up. I spread my sense for mana, that I had also used to control the specks and tried to look into the angel before me. At once I was enveloped by a sea of both light and dark, but even in my state I refused to draw on them, the consequences I would have to face later on would be too grim. Instead I pushed them to the side and tried to find the bottom between them. The moment I dove down in between them they closed again behind me and I lost any sense of connection to my body.

I went deeper and deeper and closed in on a place that was much like the singularity I had experienced when traveling to this place. Finally I reached it and submerged in it. Then there was only ONE around me. Last time I exited this place by pressing down on it in myself, but this place was different, it did not belong to me. And so from the inside I began to tear at it. Slowly fissures started forming, opening into wide rifts, that let me gaze out into a cosmos just at the moment of creation. And finally the core reached a point of instability before breaking up.

With a huge explosion my mind was expelled and pushed right out of this sea of consciousness. I landed back in my body, still standing in the same place beside the angel. My mind felt wrecked, and before I could collect myself I felt light and dark explode out and the angel was torn apart. They pushed out in a massive storm and I was pushed back just from the pressure. I was thrown into the air and landed a few meters away. The hit hurt, but I concentrated on protecting myself from any more of the light and dark. I didn't want to take any more in.

The storm began to spread out and unleashed great destruction. The very land seemed to tremble and collapse around me. Even the usually gray sky had become covered by the clashing of the forces, while they tried to disperse into all directions. I laid there, right in the middle of it and still tried to come to grasps with what had just happened.

When the storm began to subside the land seemed to stabilize itself a bit, but was still a far bit from the usual dull gray. I regained some semblance of awareness. I did not want to stay here even one second longer and followed the instructions I had received. Instead of pushing down on both light and dark I released the dark and only pressed on the light. I even seemed to be able to isolate it in this fashion. And then the realm around me shifted. The sky, which was reestablishing its gray color drifted off towards a darker and darker shade. This sudden change was very disturbing after experiencing such a long time below the ever same tone of gray.

I increased the pressure on the light and the light around me seemed to dim out as well. Finally twilight moved into dusk, and slowly into night. The dark inside me began to resonate with the outside and began to rapidly grow in power. As long as I continued suppressing the light the effect was not directly detrimental to my body, but now the dark around me began to oppress the light as well.

My mana consumption decreased to an actually manageable level and then it was night.