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[Now replaying: Log 3.20 - Twenty. The Aeon. Judgement.]

Date: Error

Location: The Bunker at Progress’ Head // Zephyro’s Domain

//Rise and shine//

//—the woman of your dreams. And then you know what happens all of a sudden? Trumpets! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, trumpets! Oh my god did that take a nosediv—//

[>>DATA CORRUPTED]

Something —either the calm glimmer of Logic, or Zephyro’s battlecry— blew the memory away. I started, still feeling as though in reality, I was a thousand miles and a hundred years away. It would have to wait.

Not much longer now.

I almost laughed.

Felt like I had been telling myself that for months.

Instead, I made my way down into the crater, trying hard not to remember the last time I had stumbled down a slope much like this one.

Whenever I closed my eyes, I could still see him lying there—

Fuck. I was losing it. Perhaps I had already lost it, and this was all just some weird fever dream while my brain died, overloaded as I connected to the machine Chris and I had built. Perhaps in a second, my cybernetic arm would tell me it wanted to be a road in Idaho, and that we should get a tattoo together.

Forever and ever.

Just like we had sworn to each other, all thirteen of us, on that cliff, our hands on the torch.

It’s what we owe everyone.

But no, of course they all died. Everyone, except for Chris and myself, all gone.

All the apostles flashed in front of my mind’s eye. Patti, so endlessly calm and stoic. Stax, with his soft lips and graceful movements. Lorelye, who always smelled of lavender. Chris, intense in whatever they did; architecture, tech, love. Olre—

Fuck Olre.

I inhaled sharply.

{INCOMING LOGIC - 204 LB}

{AVAILABLE LOGIC - 552 LB}

I cursed. He couldn’t have let me have just 48 LB more? Goddammit.

It’s your own fault. You and your damn indecisiveness. You’re going to fuck it up again, Sam. In the end, you will always hurt those that love you most. So go on. Get out there and fight and rage and kill. Kill us all, one after another. Earn your name, oh great Tyrant Divine.

I flinched. The memory was so damn vivid. Olre towering above me, the day he left, not a whisper of his gentle nature remaining.

Grunting in anger, I rubbed at my face. Enough was enough. Patti, Chris, Stax ad all the others I might allow to live in my head, rent-free, but not him. Never him. Not after what he did.

Besides, they weren’t all dead. Chris was still there. And—even if it felt heinous to think it, because no one could replace my apostles, my friends, ever— I wasn’t alone now, either.

I looked up and found my two allies fighting a menagerie of nightmares. Zephyro yelled something, wildly swinging his magically enhanced sword. Each strike descended with enough force to make the ground shake, but either he was also running out of steam, or he was preserving his power, because none of his attacks came close to leaving craters like the one I stood in.

I was wondering how he knew where to strike, or if he just blindly swung at a target-rich environment, when I noticed a bunch of strange markers that looked like disco spotlights with symbols floating inside them.

“Where’s our raidlead when we need her to mark stuff? I am bad at multitasking!” the Elf yelled, and somehow, I could see the humor in that, now.

For a second I was back with one of my teams on earth, celebrating the launch of a feature that would place us firmly on the map. Despite the exhaustion, the fear and the pure horror undulating above us, the mood was the same. Elated, driven, collegial.

Friendly.

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Zephyro laughed, too.

In the end, you will always hurt those that love you most.

His devotion to his people lived in every single one of his actions, and his determination to do right by them had driven him to the edge of hell itself.

And who did he worship? A spiteful bitch ridden by her anger, who sniped at him and hadn’t spoken a single word to anyone in this world but him, because he seemed like the only one useful to her. Someone who took the essence of a child and used it to build herself a weapon. Someone who wrought destruction and lured more and more enemies to his doorstep.

He didn’t deserve someone like me as his Sultana.

And yet, even after it had to be painfully obvious that I was a false idol, a divine fraud, he risked his life for me over and over and over again.

As if I were worth it.

As if I deserved him.

As if I could change.

As if I owed it to him to change! He was so selfish, so so—

{[Arx, A Saint’s Terrified Embrace] IS NOW ACTIVE.}

Who do you want to be, Sam?

I don’t know, Patti. “I just don’t fucking know.”

Well, if you could paint a picture of the greatest leader in the world, what would it look like?

Kind, I guess. He’d be wise, and smile a lot and never frown. And anyone, no matter how old, could come to him and he’d guide you on how to fix your own problem, because he’d be patient beyond belief. He’d be committed to his people, and brave enough to never abandon them, no matter how rough shit got. And he wouldn’t lead with his sword or his magic, but with courage and respect, but be the first in the breach when the walls broke.

And why can’t you be that person, Sam?

I was panting, and it had nothing to do with my CPU temperature.

I just can’t.

Why not?

I wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about this memory, with Patti and I sitting on that hill, looking at Advance’s Pinnacle, and the people celebrating its founding down below.

I wanted to run, to fight, to do anything but think.

But the thoughts kept coming.

Her hand on the back of my head as I hyperventilated, pulling me in.

Why not, Sam? Tell me, what would happen if you could be that person?

I can’t…

You can.

My hands balling themselves to fists, crunching up her shirt already drenched with my tears. The words burst out of me as if she had ripped them from my chest.

THEN I COULD HAVE BEEN HER ALL ALONG, AND I WASN’T.

I had to clench my teeth to stop myself from shouting the words. I should have been up there, helping Zephyro and the stupid Old Guard, and instead I was sitting down here, on my knees like trash, because I was useless.

A leader afraid of leadership.

A waste.

And yet, they all kept looking at me like that. Did they not know what it meant to carry all of these expectations? Did they not care? Did they not see what happened if you dropped even a single one?

They were all so selfish. So why shouldn’t I be as well?

I looked up. Zephyro and the Elf were getting pushed back.

{CPU Load: ▼ 32%}

{Core Temp: ▼ 67° C}

{AVAILABLE LOGIC - 552 LB}

I’d be quick enough. Even if there were Ferals between me and the Palace, I could make it. Especially if I spent the Logic on a better processor.

I could just use whatever Zephyro had prepared in there to save myself.

I could just leave them behind.

My anger told me they deserved it, and that I deserved to be safe. It’s what Zephyro wanted, right? And the Old Guard would just flee when shit hit the fan, and disconnect. Like mercenaries. Or business consultants.

Or me.

No, I couldn’t

On the other hand, who knew? These upgrades didn’t seem to be linear, so maybe upgrading my CPU would allow me to turn the tide by myself. That way, I could finally show Zephyro that I was worth it. I wouldn’t be weak. I wouldn’t be in danger. I’d be in charge.

My anger was such a sweet talker, caressing my mind as it danced through my veins like electric shocks.

Ah, so that’s the Sam you were hiding from me!

The words hang in the air between us, and with each second, a hundred regrets cross my mind.

I say nothing, devote myself to this frozen soap bubble silence that holds infinite futures, praying it will hold forever.

Patti’s smile is as wide as the clear blue sky.

Nice to know you, Sam. I’m Patti.

And just like that, the silence is broken, and only one future survives the blast.

A future endlessly cruel in its promise of solace.

I am ravenous for certainty when our lips meet, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

Later, while I’m putting my armor back on, she’s still wearing her bluesky smile.

And nothing else.

Wait, Sam. Answer my question!

I am so confused all I can do is say huh.

She laughs.

Who do you want to be, Sam?

My breath shuddered as it fled my lips, carrying my Wish into the world,

yet another, ruined, and I the epicenter of devastation.