Chapter 22 – Gay

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Xiuying and her party arrived at another empty site. Even the remains of the campfire had stopped smoldering. ‘They keep leaving earlier and earlier,’ Cara said.

‘Damn it – damn it – DAMN IT!’ Sarah said. ‘Three camps already! I didn’t come here to hike, boss!’ Her already low patience was quickly running out. Xiuying didn’t mind, though. Patience is a skill that needs to trained as well. Even more important, the fleeing of their enemies might work in their favor.

‘They must be gathering in one place… or maybe even completely leaving…’ Cara said.

‘Hmm,’ Yuki hummed, with Xiuying saying: ‘We were warned for an enemy on the south… Which means it’s a threat of at least A-. I don’t know how much information they have on me, but it’s probably not enough for them to just give up.’

Sarah collected some rocks to throw at the trees as the other three sat down and put their minds to use. ‘They’ll be prepared,’ Cara said. ‘How many do you think there’ll be?’

‘Likely more than a hundred,’ Xiuying said.

‘Do you think we can take them?’ Cara asked, prickling Sarah’s ears.

‘Yes! Yes, we can, boss! Easi--.’

‘No,’ Xiuying said, cutting her off. ‘Not when they’re prepared. Besides, we don’t have any information on the threat. It would be unwise to take them head on.’

Sarah didn’t get mad at her, but did continue throwing her rocks, calmly swearing in her mind: ‘this fucking sucks, sucks, sucks. Fuck these trees. Eat this, bark!’

It took a while for Xiuying to notice Yuki’s stare. They knew each other the longest, and because of that, Xiuying knew what that stare meant. ‘She’s got an idea she doesn’t want to say out loud…’ Xiuying silently stared back. Cara switched from one face to another a couple times before asking: ‘uh, hello. Are you alright? Hello?’

Xiuying exhaled through her nose and closed her eyes. There were a few things Yuki could have on her mind, but the most likely one, Xiuying didn’t want to say either. ‘Some bloodstains wash off better than others… These ones are the stickiest…’ Xiuying thought.

‘Talk to me!’ Cara said, waving her hand in front of Yuki’s face.

Xiuying stood up, prompting the others to do so as well. ‘We’re going,’ she said. ‘Sarah, get over here.’

‘Don’t wanna!’

‘You’ll like this,’ Xiuying said. Sarah dropped the remaining stones and skipped over to Xiuying. ‘Yeeeees?’ she asked. Xiuying told the party what they were going to do from here. While Cara’s eyes widened, a wicked smile blossomed on Sarah’s face — one that put chills through Cara’s spine. Sins are a foot in this blood soaking forest.

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Kuno was a master at controlling his bladder – courtesy of his many raids and tournaments. So when JD threatened to summon Sha’Gult again, and the memories of yesterday, when his chest cracked open and his appendages exploded, reemerged, he didn’t wet the floor.

JD let go of his summoning and sat down. ‘Come here. JD will educate you.’

Kuno walked over, slow and hesitant, but he moved—and sat down on the moist grass.

‘SUJ,’ JD said, and the green hologram screen appeared between him and Kuno, playing the Duckboy theme song. JD gave the screen a few taps, changing the window. A drawing popped up. It was reversed, but Kuno saw a childish, crude, colorful drawing of JD standing on top of a pile of geese, apparently having slain them all. JD’s finger moved to the top right as he said: ‘save that for later…’

He clicked on the save button and named the file: ‘Triumphant JD #31.’

A blank page opened up. ‘Okay, so,’ JD said. ‘These are your intestines,’ he said, drawing two squiggly lines which were supposed to be a zoomed in version of Kuno’s intestines. ‘When you make your Dung Cannon, your intestines stretch out and the little thingies in the walls produce feces and fill it up.’

‘Hold on,’ Kuno said, opening up his own drawing board with a ‘SUK,’ to take notes. ‘Got it.’

‘This creates pressure, and you instinctively squeeze the poo out,’ JD said. ‘Like you’re laying an egg.’

‘Laying an egg…’ Kuno wrote down.

‘There’s only so much power you can draw from your physical intestines. Alcott told JD he was really struggling with this. Alcott is strong, but he’s still human, sadly…’ JD said, wishing the Shitman could turn into a duckman—the highest compliment his prideful mind could think of.

‘What you should do is create more pressure using your magical ability--.’

‘Gas!’ Kuno said. ‘I can create gas behind it to pump up the pressure! It’s like a fart and a shit combined. Why didn’t I think of that!?’ he quickly wrote it down.

‘QUAHAHA!’ JD laughed. ‘Correct, but! There’s one more thing. Kuno looked at JD again, his eyes shouting out: ‘tell me, sensei!’

JD drew a ball at the end of the intestines and pointed right behind it. ‘If you create gas here—and there’s a cannonball right here, what’s gonna happen?’

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Kuno took a second to think. It’s a good thing he just woke up. His mind was fresh and eager to work. ‘The gas moves the opposite side, away from the dung cannonball, because of the pressure difference…’

‘QUAHA! The gas will move higher up your intestines and just blow you up like a balloon until you pop!’ JD said. ‘So, what now?’

Kuno took his time, deep in thought, with his fingers on his chin. ‘Maybe I can block the back by pushing my intestines against each other… Creating like a second butt hole deeper in my intestines…’

JD crossed his arms to form an X. He gave him two taps on his head. ‘Nice try, but you miss a crucial part. You’re never going to create enough pressure with that, because it’ll never be strong enough to hold on. Like a butt hole, it’ll eventually release the gas.’

Seeing Kuno struggle, JD chose to give him the answer. ‘A plug,’ he said.

‘A plug?’ Kuno repeated.

JD drew another piece of poo behind the already drawn one next to the exit.

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O GAS O

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‘This is the composition you should aim for,’ JD said. ‘Block the gas escaping inward with another ball of poo.’

Kuno understood the logic, but immediately saw the danger behind this technique. ‘They share the pressure from the gas… W-What if the other one gives in first?’

JD smiled without a sound, making Kuno miss the obnoxious laughter he has, for this smile seemed to hold a darker undertone. ‘You hit your own body—likely cause damage to multiple organs—internal bleeding— death.’

‘Shit…’ Kuno said, finding probably the most embarrassing way to die in this realm – shitting inside himself.

‘The trick is always creating a denser and stabler poop inside – so the poop you’ll shoot will give in to the pressure before the other one. In other words: always shoot your second best shot.’

Kuno swallowed his spit and quickly wrote it down. ‘I’m learning so much… Is this how nerds feel during class…?’

‘Those are the basics… there is something else, but JD doesn’t get it as much… Alcott talks a lot about Terra One. JD only listens sometimes, but Alcott keeps talking on and on! Never shuts up!’

The more he heard about the original Shitman, the more Kuno wanted to meet him. But those were thoughts for later. ‘What is it?’ Kuno said. ‘Just tell me. I’m from Earth. I might know what he’s talking about.’

‘He kept talking about this… Gay…’

‘…’

They awkwardly stared at each other for a second. Kuno looked down at his crotch and decided he was going to sit sideways for the rest of this. Respectfully, of course. ‘Excuse me?’ Kuno said with a cough. ‘Do you know what gay means?’ Kuno asked, to be sure.

JD pushed the tips of his index-finger against each other, shyly saying: ‘maybe…’

‘Then what are you talking about?’ Kuno asked.

‘He kept saying something, something, Gay something, pressure and… heat…’

‘What the… Gay pressure and heat!? Dude… What are you trying to say--,’ Kuno said before abruptly stopping.

‘Pressure and…’ Kuno’s mind began racing. There was something there, something deep in his memory. ‘Gay… Gay…’ he thought. ‘Gay pressure and heat… Why does that sound so familiar…!?’

He heard the words of a voice speaking about his disdain for Gay, pressure, and heat. Kuno didn’t have any homophobic friends, but since most of his friends were gamers, they did have one dislike in common: School.

And then he remembered.

‘Dude, I can’t come to the raid today…’ Kuno’s friend Michael said on Pisscord.

‘Aww, dude, are you serious! You need to tell me two days in advance! How am I supposed to find a replacement now!?’ Kuno said behind his computer screen, hastily looking through his friends list.

‘I’m sorry, DDaddy! I got a physics test tomorrow I completely forgot about. My mom will kill me if I fail it again!’ Michael said, his desperation blatant in his voice. ‘I don’t think she’ll let me play video games for months if that happens!’

Kuno stood up, almost pulling the headphone cords out of his computer. ‘I need you! The AssBlasters need you! What’s your test about? I’ll help you study, right now!’

‘R-Really?’ Michael said. He knew Kuno wasn’t interested in academics either, but he did always pass his classes, albeit with the most minimal requirement possible—A Kuno A+, as he would call it.

‘It’s about, uhh,’ Michael said, flipping through his page. ‘Gasses… Wait, what does this page say… Gay… Lussac? Oh wait, it’s that thing… Dude, this one sucks! I don’t get it at all! Pffff, fuuuuuck!’

The name alone made Kuno type it in his search engine. ‘Gay Lusack,’ he typed, yet still got the result he was looking for, and read through the Bikibedia page.

Kuno’s eyes lit up. He lifted his finger at his eureka moment.

‘Gay-Lussac’s Law!’

‘Quah?’ JD said, getting confused.

‘When the temperature of a particular system is increased, the molecules in the gas move faster, exerting a greater pressure on the wall of the gas container!!!’

‘Q-Quah…?’ JD said, hurting himself in confusion, taking 15 damage, but not really.

‘He saying that if I heat up my bowels, the pressure will increase, and I’ll be able to create more force!’ Kuno hadn’t felt this good in a long time. He still sat sideways, hiding his wiener, but for a different reason.

‘QUAH! JD gets it! Uh… JD always got it… of course… Well done figuring it out yourself, pea-brain human…’

Kuno’s hands moved at the speed of light as he wrote down his notes. ‘The possibilities are endless…’ he thought. ‘With the right creativity… I can do so much with this ability… I’m getting excited…’

Meanwhile, JD felt a sense of pride, as if he needed more of it. ‘Kuno’s smart… He’s a lot like Alcott. I’m glad I got to meet him… But will I ever tell him? Over my dead duck body! QUAHAHA.’

The original Shitman was the first dent in his hate for humans. Kuno slowly became the second. For a split second, JD wondered if a world could exist where they could live happily amongst each other. Quickly scrapping the thought out of fear it might cause hesitancy. ‘Kuno’s an exception… he’s the second Shitman… Don’t be weird, JD…’

Tired of sitting around, JD stood up and puffed up his chest. ‘QUAHA! Let’s get to testing, Kuno. Come on, stand up!’ JD said.

Sweat formed on Kuno’s forehead. He glanced down in between his legs. He had gotten a bit too excited about all of this.

‘G-Give me a m-minute, okay!’