Chapter 16 – ‘What did you just call me?’
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The lactic acid rushing through their muscles had finally dimmed – together with the oily sludge that caused it. They didn’t know what to think. Is he still there? Why are we alive? What’s going on? Only after they had finally reached the top did they figure out what all this brown substance and previous wind was – and it only brought more questions to their minds.
‘Where are the enemies?’ a rabbitmen asked.
Hopper touched the walls Kuno had shat out. ‘It was one guy…’
‘Did you see him?’ Chompy asked, upon which Hopper nodded and said: ‘it was just a kid…’ he sat down and gave a big sigh, grabbing everyone’s attention. ‘You all know what this means, don’t you?’ he asked, looking around him at the shit wall, more mesmerized than frightened by it. He heard of this ability. All of them had – the ability that had impacted this entire realm more than any other ever had.
‘This war will never end…’ one said, vocalizing what everyone thought.
Kuno’s existence was bad news. Another Shitman, the worst thing that could have happened, - the birth of a walking apocalypse. As all heads dropped, Chompy saw something in the corner of his eye. A simple thing that symbolized hope. ‘Maybe it might end sooner than we think,’ he said, pointing at the object on the ground.
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‘I deserve to be an F rank,’ Kuno thought. ‘I can’t do any damage on my own!’ JD had crouched to the ground, digging up the pellets Kuno had shot, leaving him to his thoughts. From minute one, JD could see Kuno wasn’t a threat – to such an extent, he had trouble seeing him as an enemy. It was as if a person had spotted a mole in their garden. Of course, it’s annoying, but there’s no chance that it’ll directly hurt anyone – there was no rush to deal with it. His drifting mind let the mole do his thing, but this mole was determined to grow – yet didn’t know how.
‘Weight… I can make it weigh more – but I need to hit him with it… Dung Cannon won’t do yet.’
JD picked up a pellet, squinting his eyes to examine the flattened piece of poop. He felt how soft it felt between his fingers, confused about the use of it.
‘I need to add more weight, I desperately need more power… And I also need to maneuver much faster – farting was the first thing I did with my ability, but I have yet to master Dart Fart… Currently, I’m lacking in every way there is…’
JD dropped the pellet, Kuno keeping his eyes on him. ‘This blows. Why would you use this?’ he said.
‘Stop rubbing it in!’ he shouted at him. ‘I know it blows… Wait...’ His brows jolted up as an idea popped up in his head. ‘I can make it faster and do more damage at the same time… I don’t even need more weight…’
He smiled, having regained his mental – JD immediately felt the air change, snapping his neck to Kuno. ‘Round two, naked boy?’ he asked. ‘Round two,’ Kuno replied. JD would’ve reminded him he couldn’t win, but he was curious to see what the naked human had come up with – so above all else, wanted him to try it on him. ‘Humans are strong, but duckmen are stronger… And this one wears pants wrong - must be intellectually challenged, unlike JD… JD’s a genius, and very handsome… yes.’
Kuno shook his arms and legs. ‘Visualize, Kuno… If anyone can do this, it’s you!’ he ran up to JD, quickly lifting himself up with his farts: ‘Dart Fart!’ JD continued his strategy, confident his reactions are superior to Kuno’s speed.
‘Foolish boy!’ JD shouted, still able to follow Kuno in the air. ‘You are but a dumb fly! JD has electric flyswatter!’ he said, whispering quickly after:
‘Fists of Levin, quah.’
A wave of blue lightning traveled through JD, blasted through the ground as the dust rose. He rubbed his hands together before moving them apart, causing surging lightning to travel from one palm to the other. Kuno wasn’t anywhere near JD yet, still zigzagging above him, but all the hairs on his body already spiked as he said: ‘oh come on…’
‘Quahahaha!’ JD laughed. ‘Gonna cry?’
He almost wanted to, but Kuno wasn’t going to give up yet. ‘I can imagine what those will do to me,’ he thought, but decided to not delve into the details, returning his attention to his strategy. ‘His head might be able to follow me, but his arms don’t have that liberty… I hope.’
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He tried his best to stay directly above him. That way, he could quickly switch from JD’s front to his back, making it harder for him to adjust his body in case he wanted to intercept again.
JD admired Kuno’s stamina. He shoved his pride to the side, and admitted to himself that in a battle of endurance, he would lose. ‘But JD takes his time. No need to hurry. A gentleduck will walk, but never run.’
But running he would, for Kuno broke through his limitations as he began the barrage of a million splinters – ‘Draw as much moisture out of it as you can without turning them brittle – make it thin and pointy – and keep it cold.’
‘Shit Shivers!’
The moment he spoke his spell, JD knew what time it was. Haphazardly from every corner above him, but mostly from behind, it began to hail sharp needles at a speed JD couldn’t manage without a sprint. He dashed from his spot, but the needles were scattering everywhere, to such an extent they lifted up the dust completely, creating a cloud of smoke to make it even harder to evade them. Like a crazed nail gun, Kuno kept shooting, thinking: ‘I can’t aim for shit, but with this speed, I don’t need to – I shoot from the hip, baby!’
JD dashed all over the place to dodge the needles, but it wouldn’t be long before he would slow down. Luckily, the battle hardened Undead Warlord had already used a spell that could get him out of this pinch. He let himself fall on his back, putting his knees to his chest.
Using his charged hands, he deflected the needles, but his reaction speed was nowhere fast enough to stop all of them. Good thing he didn’t need to, because right before his fist made contact with a needle, the electricity shocked it, making it disappear into thin air – but the most important thing was what happened after – the bolt didn’t leave it at a single needle, but bounced from one to the other until its energy was depleted. Blocking one needle granted him the destruction of approximately eleven.
With JD on his back, laying on the floor, Kuno could try to focus his aim on him – but the cloud of dust didn’t only disadvantage JD. Kuno couldn’t see where JD was, so kept on spraying and praying.
After a whole minute of shooting, Kuno stopped to see the result. When the dust settled, he witnessed his creation, the entire area was covered in needles, with JD laying on his back in the midst of it, laughing his ‘quahahaha!’ laugh.
He stood up, arms on his hips, chest puffed, smiling at Kuno – who smiled back. ‘Marvel at JD! Someone like you can’t even scratch me!’
‘Maybe not scratch you,’ he said, exhaling as he closed his eyes, still drifting in the air. ‘But it seems like I can puncture you.’ He pointed at the needleless ground JD had laid in. Three drops of blood sat on the flattened grass, dropping the jaw of the Undead Warlord. He turned his neck 180 degrees and saw the needles that had entered his skin.
‘Impossible…’ he thought, thinking back on the battle, quickly figuring out how it happened. Kuno didn’t hit him. It was of his own doing. He looked around him, seeing the million needles sticking out of the ground. ‘These must’ve already been in the ground… entering my skin when I laid down… This doesn’t suit you, JD…’
‘Seems like round two goes to me, Mr. JD.’ Kuno said with a bright smile, ticking JD off.
‘JD’s holding in!’ he said, raising his fist at him. ‘You’re no match for JD! JD can capture you in one second whenever he pleases!’
‘Capture?’ Kuno said, having forgotten for a second that he was in a battle against his enemy, one that could leave him dead. They both carried a carefree persona – one that turned this duel into a friendly match.
‘Yes, you hurt my rabbitmen! I will capture you and bring you to the capital as a prisoner of war!’ JD said, switching to the first person.
Kuno gently floated down, just outside of the needled floor. ‘How do you know I didn’t kill them?’ he said with a menacing look on his face. ‘I’m a pretty sly guy.’
‘Quahaha!’ he laughed. ‘You don’t have a killer’s face! Look at JD. JD is a killer duckman!’ he said, performing some basic karate chops to the air.
‘He’s goofy, but I’ll have to give it to him – he’s very strong. He’s not even taking me seriously and I’m busting my balls to draw the tiniest drop of blood…’ Kuno thought.
‘You don’t seem like a killer,’ he said. ‘A killer would have killed me already. I’m a human on Soji grounds.’
‘Yes, humans die here. JD killed hundred-thousand-million humans, but you are special,’ JD said, his smile fading. ‘You might be a puny version… but you are Shitman, nonetheless.’
Allies and enemies alike, they all seem to put the utmost respect to that title; Shitman. Kuno began to dislike it. Living in a shadow was the last thing that he wanted out of life. He had too much pride for that.
‘The third round will be the last,’ Kuno said. He liked JD, a strong and fearsome enemy, but one that seemed to live however he wanted. With a few more screws loose, Kuno might’ve been exactly like him.
‘Yes, JD will finish you now – prepare yourself, Kuno,’ he said, using his actual name, revving Kuno’s engines to the max. ‘I will visit you in prison, give you comic book. JD is a nice guy.’
‘You definitely are a nice guy, but you’re looking at the best, JD. You’re just a stepping stone to me – I’m only here to beat your ass and level up.’
‘Quahaha! You will learn when JD’s lightning will touch your pantsless buttocks!’ he said, mocking Kuno: ‘You will cry; ‘Please, JD. I’m sorry, don’t hurt me. You’re so cool and good looking. QUAHAHA!’
Kuno couldn’t help but laugh with him, to the point where his eyes got teary. He wiped away the tears, never having expected he would have so much fun fighting his enemy. ‘You silly goose,’ he said, getting in a battle stance, but a sudden change of air dilated his pupils as adrenaline rushed through his body. He had no idea what happened, but a darkness covered JD’s face as a deep and terrorizing voice spoke out:
‘What did you just call me?’